Author: Creative Group Shinoda
The child he had always been proud of had become a thief. If you encounter this situation, are you also shocked and surprised?
Recently, I read such a story on the Internet and sighed.
In a class in the third grade of a key middle school, there was a theft one day, and two fountain pens of a classmate disappeared.
In order to find out the initiator, the class teacher took the monitoring of the classroom door, but the result was shocking - it was not someone else who stole the pen, but the boy Who had always performed well in his daily life, Little A!
The monitoring faithfully recorded the entire process of small A's theft. In the face of overwhelming evidence, this good student, who was recognized by all teachers and classmates, admitted in front of the class teacher that he was knowingly committing a crime and wanted to fight his parents in this way!
It turned out that since entering adolescence, Little A's rebellious heart began to germinate. He became more and more unaccustomed to his parents, more and more disgusted with their discipline and broken thoughts, and always wanted to fight against them. The long-standing depression and dissatisfaction forced him to breathe, so he finally made a mistake this time.
Knowing the truth, Little A's parents were puzzled. From childhood to adulthood, the son has always been introverted, docile and obedient, and always says nothing about the requirements of adults. How can such a well-behaved child now have a great change in temperament and sentence two people?
In fact, this is the confusion and confusion that many parents share. When children reach their teens, they often undergo an "earth-shattering" transformation. They will become strange, out of line, out of control, and difficult to discipline. For adults, this is a huge challenge and test on the road to parenting.
The adolescence of children is destined to be a hurdle that countless parents cannot escape.
The rebellion of a child's adolescence is actually a sign of growing up
The author Mai Jia once said: "My son was particularly rebellious during his adolescence. ”
In the program "Readers", he shared with the host Dong Qing a series of rebellious performances of his son in adolescence.
From one day in the second year of junior high school, the teenager suddenly closed his door. Since then, for three full years, thousands of days and nights, the door has never been opened again.
The son thus shut himself off and spent the whole day in the room playing games, surfing the Internet, chatting, and playing pranks. He would never allow his parents to enter the room, otherwise he would think he had been offended and would immediately run away from home in protest.
This fast-growing teenager longs to be with the world, only to be the enemy of his parents; in the face of adult discipline, he is like a powder keg, which explodes at the slightest point.
In this regard, the Mai family has no choice but to do anything about it. He said bluntly: "An adolescent child is a tiger, a knife." You have to be careful not to provoke him, because he will not die after provoking him. ”
I believe that many parents have a deep understanding of this, and after their children reach adolescence, parenting has entered a difficult mode. In the eyes of many adults, the mutation of children's temperament is "the wings are hardened and disobeyed", "the older they are, the more ignorant they are".
But in fact, the impulsiveness and irritability of adolescent children are normal needs for growth, and they are also the instincts of everyone.
Professor Li Meijin once said: "Due to the development of independent consciousness and self-awareness, children's rebellion, disrespect for parents and self-assertion are common phenomena in adolescence. ”
Children of this age, eager for independence and attention, always try to challenge their parents, clash with authority to fight for their own autonomy and space, and gain inner value and belonging.
At the same time, the development characteristics of adolescent brains are also an important reason for the words and deeds of adolescent children.
The TED talk "The Amazing Way the Adolescent Brain Works" dissected the root causes of adolescent children's impulsiveness and irritability from this perspective.
It turns out that the limbic system of the brain during puberty has been fully developed. This area is primarily responsible for the generation of emotions and emotions, where pleasure is generated when an individual engages in the act of taking risks and stimulating.
At the same time, the development of the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for higher-level thinking such as decision-making and self-control, is still immature. This part will make timely and rational decisions to stop the individual's impulsive behavior.
That is to say, physiological factors determine that adolescent children are emotionally dominated emotional animals, which to a certain extent affects the ability to empathize and empathize.
It can be seen that love to be angry, easy to be impulsive, poor emotional control, self-centered, rebellious and difficult to engage... This series of adolescent problems is actually closely related to the physical and mental development of adolescents, and many times they are not controlled by the subjective consciousness of individuals.
This is the process of growth, parents must first correct their mentality and look at it with a normal heart.
Getting along with adolescent children, hard and hard is always the next step
In the TV series "Little Parting", the parents played by Huang Lei and Haiqing have a daughter Fang Duoduo, who is in adolescence.
In the face of the increasingly rebellious Duoduo, they have all kinds of worries: afraid that she will learn badly, afraid that her early love will affect her studies, afraid that she will go down a crooked road... To this end, they did not hesitate to adopt a high-pressure policy and strictly discipline their daughters.
However, Duo Duo is more rebellious about this. She bumped into her parents, slammed the door and roared, even ran away from home, tired of school and truant... All kinds of performances made her parents collapse.
In fact, in the face of adolescent children, it is always the next step. Blindly forcing children to obey or obey will only push them farther and farther away, and even lead to a tragedy.
Bo Shining, director of the Department of Critical Care Medicine of the Third Hospital of Peking University, once told a real case on Douyin.
A high school boy had an argument with his mother at home over a trivial matter in his studies. The two men had their own opinions and did not give in to each other.
On impulse, the boy jumped directly from the fifth floor, resulting in a crushing fracture of the spine and lower limbs.
Suddenly, the originally energetic teenager became a paraplegic patient with high positions, and could only spend the rest of his life in a hospital bed. What a pity, what a pity!
There is a saying on the Internet that goes like this: "Every adolescent child is destined to have a war with his parents." If the child wins, it is a comedy; if the parent wins, it is a tragedy. ”
Never compete with children at this stage, and don't try to control or tame them.
The obsession with "winning" our children will only make our parents the biggest losers.
For adolescent children, parents should make good use of the power of "softness"
Dr. Lin Wencai, an expert in parenting education in Malaysia, pointed out that in the process of children's growth, it is inseparable from the five major "psychological nutrition" - unconditional acceptance; importance; security; affirmation, praise, recognition; learning, cognition, and model.
Especially for adolescents in adolescence, it is even more necessary to nourish these five elements.
When the child is attacking us with his teeth and claws and full firepower, don't forget that behind him is his desire for respect and understanding. At this time, only by squatting down with love can we enter the hearts of children and see their real needs.
Known as the "Father of Carnegie in Chinese", The Black Baby Dragon is a successful father. Under his careful cultivation, all four children graduated from world-renowned universities and became pillars in their respective fields.
But in fact, several of the children of the Black Young Dragon were stubborn and rebellious when they were young, especially the second son, Li Guoguo, who was simply a "mixed world demon king" with bad deeds when he was a teenager.
Not only did he have poor grades, but he was also full of foul language, fights, and trouble everywhere. He once tried to light the fuel tank of a neighbor's car with a match, and even went to the supermarket to steal something and was caught on the spot... All kinds of out-of-line words and deeds made the wife of the black young dragon collapse and cry for a while.
Seeing that their son was about to fall into the abyss of depravity, the Black Dragon couple decided to save him. The first step in action is to change the way of education - to let go of the authority of parents and let themselves "soft", "slow" down, "weak" down.
On that day, when Li Guo skipped class again and was discovered by Hei Youlong, he did not accuse and preach to his son as before. He swallowed a lot of words silently, didn't say much, just gently told the other party: "I believe you are also sad, go back first." ”
And when the country was in trouble, he always believed in his son's character. He said: "Even if this happened, my wife and I didn't think that Hei Liguo was a bad boy. ”
It is this tolerance and trust of the father that makes this hanging boy gradually awaken. Instead of skipping class, he worked hard, eventually becoming the associate dean of the University of Washington School of Medicine at the age of 30.
Years later, in a thank-you note to his parents, Founding State wrote:
"Although I did so many bad things as a child, you have always loved me and have confidence in me, believing that I am a good person who is kind, talented and full of great potential. Your patience and tolerance, and the attitude of never giving up, have made me never give up on myself. ”
The time of young rebellion is the "soft" power of parents that gives children the courage and courage to go forward.
In the book "Positive Discipline", it is written:
"The best way to win over teenage children is to stand by them first with kindness, firmness, and respect. Let the child get a sense of self-esteem and belonging in the support of being understood. ”
Learn to show weakness, learn to shut up, and learn to "retreat into progress." This is the way parents must get along with their adolescent children, and it is also a university question that requires the wisdom and patience of parents.
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