Adolescent children are rebellious, grumpy, and difficult to manage... What went wrong?
Instead of complaining about why your child is not obedient, it is better to calm down and find the reason from yourself.
In an issue of "Teenagers Say", Zhang Chenxi, a sophomore in high school, took the stage to apologize to his parents.
Because he ran away from home two years ago, his parents were worried and looked for him everywhere.
Recalling the scene at that time, he sincerely and solemnly said "I'm sorry" to his parents for his former rebellion.
After all, an adolescent child can reflect on his own growth, be grateful for the difficulties of his parents, and muster up enough courage to apologize in public.
But the father's response was unexpected: "The results are still the most important, and your basketball time should be controlled." ”
The son is apologizing, but the parents are making demands.
Zhang Chenxi stood there, and from his twisted hands, he could see the pain and entanglement in his heart, and he also said his heart:
"Every time I go home and play, I don't play for an afternoon, it's only two or three hours.
Every time I played, it was the happiest time of my entire student life. Playing with classmates, everyone talked and laughed.
Do you know how depressed I am at home and at school?
Every time I look forward to it, I look forward to physical education class, physical exercise class.
When I got home and finished my homework, I didn't do anything when I stayed home.
I can go out and play, and now you let me do it again..."
Zhang Chenxi was already choking up and couldn't continue, but in the end he assured his parents: "I know that learning is the most important, I will reduce my basketball time, I will also take care of myself, and I will never let you worry again next time." ”
The son seems to have compromised, but in fact, his heart is full of grievances.
The scene of such a screw is actually not unfamiliar to many families.
Kid: Am I handsome in this jacket?
Dad: Are you done with your homework?
Child: I want to go to a concert.
Mom: The midterm exam results have regressed, and I haven't said anything about you yet.
Child: I scored 5 goals in basketball today, which made a big contribution to our team's victory.
Dad: If you can use all this thought to study, I will be Amitabha.
The child is saying A, you are talking about learning, the child is talking about B, you are talking about learning.
When learning becomes the only focus of parents, the communication between parents and children is like a chicken and a duck, and children do not feel the love of their parents for themselves, but are only wrapped up in the requirements of their parents.
So the child simply closed the door of his heart to his parents, and even rebelled against his parents.
In fact, for adolescent children, peer relationships gradually occupy an important position. And having a hobby is also crucial for them.
Exercise is a necessity for teenage children, especially boys, energetic, through exercise can release the energy in the body, the excess energy to vent.
Due to hormonal influences, the emotional ups and downs of adolescent children are relatively large.
After a week of study, the child has accumulated a lot of negative emotions, and through sports, especially through the large-scale sports of playing basketball, the child's emotions will also be released.
Zhang Chenxi played ball with his classmates, which not only met the needs of peer interaction, but also met the needs of physical exercise, which was such an important thing for him.
However, in the case of parents, these have become things that delay learning, and the difficulty of communication between children and parents can be seen.
In the TV series "Little Parting", Fang Duoduo's mother asked her to go to Gubei Water Town to play with an English test of 85 points, and the results came down, she took the test 84.5, and her mother thought that the difference was 0.5 points, which did not meet the requirements, so Fang Duoduo still could not go to the place she wanted to go.
When Dad talked to Fang Duoduo about respecting her parents, she took out the test paper and slammed it on the table, and the emotions that had been suppressed in her heart for a long time finally broke out:
"Now you're satisfied!" If you want me to respect you, please tell me, what else will you respect besides the score?
I'm a fractional machine in your eyes. ”
Fang Duoduo was accidentally discovered by her mother when she wrote a novel, and her mother was furious, thinking that she spent her precious study time doing these messy things.
He even turned over the old account of participating in the fan meeting, which made Fang Duoduo feel hurt: "In your eyes, what else is there besides the results?" ”
Then push the parents straight out the door.
Writing novels is the most important pleasure for her in addition to learning, she can express all her feelings and feelings in writing, but this only beauty has also been rejected and deprived by her mother.
She lost all her spare time and lost all the good times except for studying.
Children's hobbies, whether they are playing basketball or writing novels, have become "roadblocks" that hinder learning in the eyes of their parents.
The Beijing News once did a survey showing that more than 90% of the middle school students interviewed were unwilling to tell their parents what they were talking about.
Why are adolescent children reluctant to talk to their parents?
Because parents only see the change of the child's score, but can not see the child's psychological fluctuations;
Parents are only unilaterally making demands on their children, without the awareness of sitting down and discussing issues with their children on an equal footing.
We adults can ask ourselves: Who are you willing to say your heart to?
Definitely a person who is willing to listen and understand you, and preferably able to understand you, rather than a person who is critical of you all day, just asks of you, and doesn't care about your thoughts and feelings.
People have the same heart.
For adolescent children, the parents' incomprehension, or even unwillingness to understand, has become the biggest obstacle to communication between them.
Last weekend, when I was waiting for my child to go to after-school, I chatted with a mother next to me, and she looked shrewd and capable.
She proudly said that her discipline of her daughter was very strict, and she was very authoritative in front of her children.
After class, as soon as she saw her mother, the girl excitedly said, "Today I am at school..."
As soon as the girl's words began, her mother interrupted her:
"Don't tell me about the school breakdown, let's go, I'll have to pack up my things and go on a business trip in a moment."
The girl's face suddenly darkened, and she silently followed her mother.
I secretly regretted that it was a good communication opportunity, and the child wanted to share his world with his mother, but the mother unconsciously blocked the channel for her daughter to communicate.
If parents are always habitually impatient with their children and are unwilling to listen to their children, how can children continue to be willing to communicate with you?
In addition to not listening, nagging is also one of the causes of communication barriers.
There was once a survey that showed that one of the behaviors that children hate most about their parents is frequent nagging.
Parents' nagging often carries the meaning of distrust and blame the child, passing anxiety and pressure to the child, so that the child feels that he is controlled.
Children have entered adolescence, parents still discipline children like when they were young, which can only cause negative emotions in children and increase the rift in parent-child relationship.
In the face of nagging parents, the child's response is basically "pretending not to hear", "she said her, I did mine", "I will bump into a few words when I am bored".
Obviously, too much nagging and preaching can not achieve the purpose that parents want, and can only make the child and the parents psychologically farther away, and make the children more reluctant to open their hearts to their parents.
Why do we think that the older the child, the more disobedient we are?
Why do we think that children suddenly start to rebel?
Teacher Guan Chenghua, author of the book "Don't Compete with Adolescent Children", believes that:
Family education, family atmosphere, and parent-child relationship before puberty have all made useful preparations for children to enter puberty, or buried bad hidden dangers.
For example:
Mothers who are always strong and do not know how to respect their children are often exchanged for the excessive resistance of adolescent children;
Excessive coddling, from an early age, when the child's adolescent behavior exceeds the bottom line, parents have no power;
Under the pretext of exercising the child's independent ability, ignoring or even indulging the child, the door of the child's adolescent psychology is closed to you, and the danger will come.
Rational family education, equal family atmosphere, and harmonious parent-child relationship are important guarantees for children's health through puberty.
Psychological research believes that one of the main life tasks of adolescent children is role identification, and he is positioning himself as a person.
He longs for independence and has his own views on things.
In this process, the role of parents can be that of companions, supporters and advocates of equal communication, and must not be preachers, controllers and dictators on high.
I remember watching the movie "Big River Love" many years ago, after the death of Paul starring Brad Pitt, the passage his pastor father said in the church was very moving and sad:
"The people who are closest to us are usually the ones we can't understand, but we can still love him, and we can love people we don't know with all our hearts."
There are also times when relatives are estranged, and no matter how close they are, one person cannot fully understand the other.
For our adolescent children, even if it is not so easy to understand sometimes, if parents have the willingness to understand, they can create more opportunities to communicate with their children in life.
For example, participating in common activities, traveling together as a family, etc., in this process, you can break the shackles of communication with your children and deepen emotional connection.
If the child goes to the ball game, you are a good driver and cheerleaders, and you go to the game to cheer him on, which is the greatest support for him.
If your child is excited to win a game, you can give him a warm high-five; if he is upset about losing the game, you can tap him on the shoulder to show comfort.
That's what family means.
For an adolescent child, love doesn't require you to use too many words, but let him feel, love and support, always be there.
A friend recalled that when she was busy reviewing homework in high school, her mother always gently put a glass of milk on her table and then quietly walked out, and she often looked up to see her mother's silent back.
Today, her mother has passed away, and every time she thinks of her mother's back, she will be moved to tears.
A little more care, a little less demand;
A little more understanding, a little less blame;
A little softer, a little less tough.
Parents can strive to become a gas station for their children's growth, and do not let the twisted parent-child relationship become the pain of teenagers' growth.