1 My husband took advantage of my shower, peeked at my mobile phone, and found a text message: "So-and-so hotel, room 306." I came out of the shower and said, "I'll go out to a party in a moment, late."

1 My husband took advantage of my shower, peeked at my mobile phone, and found a text message: "So-and-so hotel, room 306." I came out of the shower and said, "I'll go out to the party in a moment and come back later." The husband smiled and said, "Okay, I see." Just as I was singing a happy birthday song with a group of friends around the cake in the hotel room, a strange man wearing a mask and holding a kitchen knife suddenly kicked the door open, then calmly walked over, cut the cake open, and said: "This is the service provided by this hotel for free, I wish you a happy meal, happy birthday!" ”

2 Recently unwell, went to the hospital for examination and found out that she was pregnant, and told her husband when she returned home. Early this morning, my husband went out early and bought breakfast and a bottle of fetal repair. Holding my hand and saying to me, "You will definitely help the development of the fetus after eating." I watched it for half a day, directly threw it in the trash can, and asked my husband: "Where did you buy the fetal repair spirit?" My husband proudly told me: "Downstairs in the community, a loudspeaker shouted to sell." I scolded, "This is glue for repairing bicycle tires." ”

3 The brother-in-law, who has always liked to eat soft rice, recently went to the construction site every day to move bricks, and earned 600 yuan in 3 hours, all of which was put in his own pocket as private money! I was moved, and every day I told my daughter-in-law to work overtime, and then secretly went to move bricks. Last night, after moving the bricks home, I met the aunt next door downstairs. When my aunt saw me, she said excitedly: Wow! I said you hurt your daughter-in-law too much! For her Hermès bag, she went to move bricks every day...

4 The guy who works in the same company is very hospitable and will be warmly welcomed no matter who comes to his house. On this day, my son called a few classmates to play at home, and he thought at all, don't let the classmates be too restrained, talk to them about games and life. It was almost time to eat, and the buddies thought of going out to buy vegetables to entertain their classmates. But just out of the door, I heard my son's classmates say musically: Your father is really not simple, and finally he is willing to leave.

5, I am a department director in a listed company, the annual salary of 500,000, because I am busy with work has not found a girlfriend. On this day, a brother introduced me to the object, and directly led the sister to me without saying hello. I was caught off guard, thanks to his humor and humor to resolve embarrassment, and he kept saying good things for me. Later, in the stark contrast between the two of us, my sister fell in love with him, and I always felt that I was being tricked!

6, my cousin is handsome and often changes girlfriends, I am very envious. Recently, my cousin was chasing a beautiful girl again, so I went to watch. It turned out that the cousin was very nervous, and there was nothing to say during the whole process, all the girls were talking. Afterwards I asked him: Why are you so nervous and talk so little? He said dismissively: As soon as I am nervous, she will take the initiative!

7, take my nephew to the newly opened small shop to eat fritters, ask for 4 sticks, we only eat one. After checkout, boss: There are 3 left, I will pack it for you. Nephew: Don't fight, my aunt has money. The boss smiled: If you have money, you can't waste it, can you? Nephew: My aunt is rich and willful... Such a hard and hard fritter, she certainly didn't want to...

8, I finally have a girlfriend, buddy said to look at the photos.

I showed him and he said: "If you use plants to describe her."

If you describe her as a vegetable, then she is a cabbage, if you describe her as an animal, then she is a swan.

I think he makes too much sense!

After I had savored the words, I was now taking a knife to his house.

9 The man asked his brother out for a drink and said: Can I borrow my 20 million turnover for 4 days? The brother took out a bank card and said generously: The card is for you, the password is: 666666, you go and get it yourself! The next day the man called his brother after going to the bank: What about you playing me? How can Cary have no money! The brother said: The last time you said to borrow me 5,000 yuan, the card number you gave me when you repaid the money, hasn't it been 3 months now? Hasn't the money arrived yet? The man said awkwardly: You see I am really forgetful, that 50 million forgot to pay you back, sorry ah, another day please you to dinner! Brother: What to do another day, just today, me and your sister-in-law are resting, where to eat? Man: Huh? What did you say? My signal is not good, I hung up first! 

10 Accompany my wife today to go to the pregnancy test, in the pregnancy test room. Me: Doctor, boy and girl? Doctor: The hospital has regulations, can not inform, understand! Me: We're going to set up the baby room first, I don't know if it's blue or pink, which color do you think is better? Help me with a reference. Doctor: I think pink is good. Me: Thank you Doctor!

11 Ask a beautiful woman online and invite her to a bar for a drink, and the beauty gracefully says "I only drink 93 years of Lafite!" I ordered a cup hard, and the beauty smacked a mouthful, "That's the taste!" "A total of three drinks, checkout, a total of 86 yuan, I whispered to the waiter "how is it so cheap?" the waiter whispered, "Sir, we don't have Rafi, it's all ordinary dry red, and I'm afraid you're too expensive..."

12 Female colleagues sent me a message at night saying, "Brother, come quickly, or you will lose me forever!" "I hurried over and found my female colleague sitting demurely in the living room watching TV. At that time, I got angry and said, "What do you mean?" Boring isn't it? The female colleague smiled and said, "It's boring, otherwise I wouldn't have called you over at night!" "Since I came, I watched TV with her, but I always felt that there was something wrong with her look, I looked at it carefully, and the room was very clean and tidy. I sat down, took her hand and said, "What happened?" Is there anything unhappy to tell brother well? ”

The female colleague suddenly cried: "Brother, I just miss you!" "Hey, I knew that a man like me who was a mystery would always attract female colleagues, the female boss was like this, HR was like this, the front desk said that it was inseparable from me, and now even the company clerks have a deep affection for me." 」 If it weren't for the pain of the monthly salary of 50K per month, I would have resigned a long time ago.

Some people must say that so many women are around you, beautiful you. You don't understand how painful it is to be an upright man and see that your whole body is full of flesh and you can't eat it. No way, I'm an honest person and an upright person, and the most I can do is to be naughty with them.

#Funny# #搞笑段子 #