Letters from readers
Hello,
Have you and Sister Lu watched "Little Min Family" recently? Can you talk about the character of Xu Zheng in it? What if I find that I am a bit bumpy with this kind of sick and delicate persona? Of course, he went to the back to imprison Xiao Jie and stabbed himself with a knife, which was definitely not right, and I would definitely break up resolutely in this situation!
But what if I can do it without associating with the opposite sex? If I am obedient and do not make him suspicious, will those two people be able to get well? Because I didn't like to socialize, I didn't have any friends of the opposite sex, I was also very homely, and my clothes were quite conservative, and I felt that these requirements were not very difficult to do.
I think it's rare for someone to love themselves so persistently... At least such a boyfriend will not cheat and love me wholeheartedly, so why should I sacrifice my social life for him?
Hello readers~
I have not seen this drama, after seeing your question, I went with Teacher Lu to watch the relevant plot, and browsed some posts discussing this plot.
Briefly introduced, students who have watched the play can skip this paragraph:
Xu is a young handsome and rich man, who fell in love with his elderly and divorced Xiao Jie at first sight. At first, he was affectionate, romantic, persistent, and gentle and overbearing, but in the back, he gradually revealed a strong desire for control, forbidding her to wear "cool" clothes, forbidding her to associate with male friends, and even driving into "love enemies", eating Xiao Jie's nephew's vinegar, and even not allowing Xiao Jie, as an editor, to contact male authors at work, but Xiao Jie believes that this is Xu Zheng's performance of loving himself too much and caring too much about himself. Later, Xu Zheng imprisoned her at home, confiscated her computer and mobile phone, and stabbed herself with a knife during the quarrel, and finally Xiao Jie was rescued by family and friends. At this point, Xiao Jie finally woke up and filed for divorce. Xu Zheng cried and begged for forgiveness, but Xiao Jie refused.
(The following only analyzes the role of Xu Zheng, does not rise to the actor, his fans please do not misunderstand Ha)
Although most viewers believe that when they meet a controlling boyfriend like Xu Zheng, they should run quickly. But after reading the comments, I found that the question you started with is actually quite representative. There are indeed some viewers, and you think the same way.
There are several misunderstandings in your and this part of the audience's thinking. I think I should dissect you so that when you meet such people, you can identify the red flags.
(Dissecting these is not to blame these viewers, but I am worried that some of my classmates are more simple and do not understand the possible consequences and thus step on the pit.) So I think it is necessary to popularize science, which is a risk tip)
Myth 1: I don't like to have contact with the opposite sex, and I'm a good fit for a controlling boyfriend
There are many people who hold this idea:
It is a misconception to say this because:
1) He chooses prey, not a "suitable" partner
Looking at your description, you feel: "I didn't like to socialize, I didn't have friends of the opposite sex, and I didn't like to wear short skirts, so I was 'suitable' for him." ”
However, the person with a controlling personality is not just a little possessive in general, but he can only get pleasure from control. He pursues a "sense of control" rather than the "result" of control itself.
One possibility is that he doesn't necessarily like objects that are already "well-behaved" without his control, because it does not bring him the pleasure of conquest - he is prone to like girls of the opposite sex like Xiao Jie. (Here is not to accuse girls of "being obedient" or "not being obedient" to become victims, but to analyze the psychology of control freaks so that students can avoid the pit)
Of course, another big possibility is that he can't control the "unruly" girl at all, so he chooses a very "well-behaved" you. But even if you are obedient, he will definitely be able to find other "evidence" of "you are not obedient" to judge you and control you. At that time, the right to interpret your "obedient" will probably not belong to you... Because what makes him happy is the process of playing with the living prey in the applause and gradually sucking away the vitality. If so, do you still feel that your "goodness" and his "sick petite" are "suitable"?
2, "I love to wear long skirts" and "he does not let me wear short skirts" there is a fundamental difference
This view is contributed by Teacher Lu:
Sisters, I can stay home, I can be socially afraid, I can not like to interact with the opposite sex, I can like to wear long skirts, but this and he will not let me go out, do not let me socialize, do not let me contact with the opposite sex, do not let me wear short skirts, although it seems to have the same result, but in nature there is a fundamental difference.
This is called self-determining in psychology, and according to SDT, everyone has a sense of autonomy, which means that if I want to do it myself, it is good and can meet my need for autonomy. But if you forced me to do the same thing, then I'm sorry, even if I liked it before, I may not be willing to continue to do it.
When you think that "I can do these requirements he prescribes, I can be a qualified girlfriend who satisfies him", it means that your sense of autonomy is relatively low, and then you have passed the first step of PUA - the obedience test.
I think that the education we receive should teach girls more about subjectivity: to clearly recognize that they are citizens, not a subject; that they are subjects with free will and independent status, rather than an object that needs to cater to the requirements of others and let others decide everything. Whether I can go out or not, whether I socialize or not, and what clothes I wear are all basic rights granted to me as a citizen by the People's Republic of China, and as long as the law and public order and good customs allow it, others have no right to "not allow it."
When you find that you enjoy staying at home without socializing, when you enjoy the power of a long skirt brushing over your calves, you don't have to think "Oh my God, I'm so suitable for a controlling boyfriend like Xu Zheng, he must like me like this", but you can think "I care what he likes".
Myth two: As long as I don't stimulate him, he won't be so extreme
This is also a kind of cognitive misunderstanding, thinking that "as long as I do what he asks, do not trigger his 'minefield', he will not have a seizure, and we can be happy and happy."
It's too idealistic to think that way. Because, his control will gradually escalate, and you may never be able to "not irritate him".
Suppose you can "sacrifice for love", do not have contact with the opposite sex, do not go out to work, do not wear short skirts, then you can not be safe? Not.
Because when you gradually become "controllable", he will not get pleasure.
We know that the sense of control is a feeling, and since it is a feeling, there is a threshold (sensitivity to the sensation of the slightest change). The threshold of a certain feeling caused by the same person, the same behavior, is constantly raised, so a person can only escalate a certain behavior in order to continue to obtain a certain feeling (this is almost consistent with the principle of drug addiction).
How to understand the increase in the threshold? In layman's terms, for example, when you first hold hands with a couple, you will blush and beat your heart, but then you hold hands like your left hand touching your right hand, you need to hug, and then kiss... Wait, this shows that the threshold that evokes your blushing heartbeat has been raised, and the intimate behavior needs to be escalated continuously...
The same is true of the control of the control maniac over his partner, when you repeatedly satisfy his sense of control with the same behavior, his control threshold will increase, and the original behavior will no longer satisfy his desire for control, so he will continue to escalate his control behavior:
For example, at first, you are only not allowed to wear short skirts, and then you will not be allowed to wear makeup, you will not be allowed to buy new clothes, and then you will not be allowed to spend money and control your economy;
For example, at the beginning, it was to persuade you not to go to work, and then you would not be allowed to use your mobile phone iPad to contact others, and then even the door was not allowed;
For example, at the beginning, you just didn't let you send messages to male friends, and then even your brothers and brothers couldn't contact them, and then female friends couldn't be very close, and then even family members had to break off relations...
After reading the suffering of these victims, do you still feel that "as long as you don't stimulate him" and "don't make him suspicious", you will be fine?
Remember pua your girlfriend to suicide? He went from asking his girlfriend to get him a tattoo, to asking her to deliberately conceive a child of his and then have an abortion, to asking her girlfriend to sterilize him and remove his fallopian tubes... At first he may just ask you to swear to love him, but then he will ask you to "prove your innocence" by repeatedly self-harming... His control and hurtful behavior over and over again will escalate, otherwise he will have a hard time feeling "love" (the pleasure of control).
When you can't even go out and become a habitual way of life, when he can't even imprison you to get a controlled pleasure, you use your imagination at the moment, you may not imagine what strange tricks he will come up with to make you prove your "love" for him, and it is really difficult for you to "not stimulate his onset point".
Myth three: He controls me because he loves me too much/The guy who loves me so much won't cheat
As mentioned above, he loves the feeling of control, and he does not even love the result of his control, so he does not love the person he controls.
Like "healthy love is to heal each other, respect each other, love each other, let the other party become more and more accepting of themselves, appreciate themselves, love themselves, rather than saying that they love you but actually do hurting your behavior" I will not say first, I will talk about the most superficial: "will not cheat."
This kind of person "loves" each other so crazy, so he must not cheat? not necessarily.
As mentioned above, there is a threshold for the sense of control. When he cheats depends largely on when his existing threshold of control reaches its peak, and his Neptune means.
One scenario is that his control threshold here is at its peak, and then he goes out looking for new prey to experience the thrill of fresh control — derailment.
In the second case, his control threshold here has peaked, but he has not been able to find his prey outside – not cheating, so he can only further escalate control over the incumbent, even escalate violence.
Don't think that he used the way of drawing a knife to self-harm to keep you and love you, violence often starts from temptation, and people who can be cruel to themselves will be more cruel to others.
Myth 4: He is so perverted, has he been hurt by his ex-girlfriend?
Some people think that this is just a speculation, how can it be a misunderstanding?
For people like Xu Zheng, who have obvious mental disorders and personality disorders, the factors that cause his problems can be said to be multifaceted, may be innate physiological factors, or may be environmental factors (may be factors of the original family, or it may be his experience), many influences, not necessarily related to his ex-girlfriend.
You may ask, that is not necessarily related to the ex-girlfriend! And even if it is caused by physiological factors and parental factors, he is also very pitiful.
Yes, that's what I'm going to say – people who hold the idea that "he must have been hurt by something like this scum" are often lambs to be slaughtered.
Because once the other party's abnormal behavior is rationalized into the result of "being hurt", it is easy for people to put themselves in the position of a savior - "I am different from his predecessor, I am not a scum, I can redeem him" . With this savior mentality, you will think that you can bring some difference to the other person's ending, but the result is often dragged to hell by the other party.
There are many people who have been hurt and need to be healed, can't we choose one that we can do..." He must have suffered some harm if he is so perverted, this idea is really naïve and dangerous, and belongs to the high-risk group that is easy to be PUA.
The matter of saving him was left to the psychiatrist, and the matter of educating him was left to the police. If we don't have this professional ability, it's best not to put ourselves in it.
How to identify: there are red flags hidden in the sweet details of the early days?
Some students may ask, when encountering someone like Xu Zheng, how can they identify it? Although when xiao jie was imprisoned in the back, most people could recognize his true face. But at the beginning, he has good looks, money, gentleness, and affection, so that people who hold the script of the idol drama male protagonist launch a fierce pursuit of you, how many people can resist it?
In fact, from some of the "sweet details" at the beginning, you can see some clues. For example, on his hot day, he had to wrap Xiao Jie tightly and "can't let others see", for example, he deleted the male friends in Xiao Jie's mobile phone and did not let Xiao Jie and his nephew be too close, for example, he said loyally, "If my parents do not accept Xiao Jie's divorce, then I will break off relations with my parents."
Some people may say that he let Xiao Jie not dress so exposed, but also afraid of the girl is not safe, Xiao Jie and the male girlfriend contact is so warm, it is not right, the nephew is 18 years old, is it should avoid suspicion, standing on xiao Jie's side and fighting with her parents, is not better than the mother treasure man?
Indeed, different people have different acceptance of freedom of clothing, different sense of proportion to interact with the opposite sex, and conflicts with parents are also old topics, and it is not surprising that couples quarrel and break up because of these problems.
But:
1) A list of similar behaviors may not be enough to show that he is a control freak. However, the various behaviors are superimposed on a comprehensive assessment, and the possibility that he is not a control freak is actually very low. (This is similar to the joint probability in statistics, you judge by a single condition, the false reporting rate is still quite high, but if multiple conditions are judged together, the false reporting rate will be greatly reduced.) ）
2, quarrel is normal, excessive behavior is not normal. Xu Zheng drove his car into an enemy and threatened to break off relations with his parents, and these behaviors also made Xiao Jie think that he "loved" himself too much. But in fact, these details just show that when he encounters contradictions and conflicts, the only way to solve it is to "go to extremes", whether it is for "enemies" or relatives.
3, the process of quarreling and breaking up is to leave the partner whose values are different from their own and find a partner who is consistent with their own values. Obviously there is an irreconcilable contradiction but do not break up or run in, but also have to force the other party to obey, control each other, then you should be guilty of muttering in your heart.
So, if you like the "sick petite" persona, just fantasize about it in the second dimension. If you meet a boyfriend like Xu Zheng in reality, it is best not to think about how suitable you are for him, or whether you can not stimulate him, or what hurt he has suffered, or whether you can change him... My personal advice is: Run! Hurry up and run! Run with the train!
(The reason why there is so much bitterness is because once you are involved in a deep intimate relationship with someone like Xu Zheng, it is probably quite difficult to get out without experiencing physical and mental trauma, and in reality, there may not be a Qian Feng to save you, so you can withdraw as soon as possible, and withdraw as soon as possible.)
Of course, if after reading my nagging, you still feel that you are suitable for such a boyfriend, or you like such a sick petite, or you feel that you can change him, or you think what I say is not credible, that is also a free choice for an adult, I fully respect! Don't bar me! ）