Yi said that the gathering place for women's growth, may you not wear armor, you can resist thousands of life is not easy, welcome attention.
The word PUA is not a new word, whether it is love or the workplace, it is frequently mentioned, and there is also a consciousness to avoid, but is it really so easy to stay away? After watching the love marriage of Xiao Jie and Xu Zheng in "Xiao Min's Family", I thought about it very carefully.
As Chen Zhuo said in the play, the characteristics of PUA are easy to get to the Tao at the beginning, he is gentle and considerate, all kinds of kindness and love you, all kinds of good, wait until the girl once confused with the Tao, then start to brainwash you, this is not OK, that is not OK, and finally there is a problem. Some girls don't know what's going on in the end, don't know what to do.
From attraction to fascination to control, this is the logic of PUA.
First of all, the attraction between lovers is to start from appreciation, generally high-value things will be noticed, this high value can be value, education, social status, can also be a person has excellent qualities and personality, these can become high-value things, attracting the eyes of the opposite sex.
Xu Zheng and Xiao Jie met on the basketball court, Xiao Jie's clean and neat shooting attracted Xu Zheng, and Xu Zheng's high appearance and high emotional intelligence performance also attracted Xiao Jie. There is nothing wrong with human nature yearning for the pursuit of better things, but once this appreciation becomes infatuation, it is Chen Zhuo who said it.
Xiao Jie is an editor of children's literature, independent and outstanding in both thought and ability, but she is still lost in Xu Zheng's love. Why get lost? It is crucial to understand this.
Zhuangzi said in "The World of Man": "The form is not as good as it is, and the heart is like a harmony." There is no desire to enter, and there is no desire to come out. The form is in, and it is upside down, and it is broken; the heart is harmonious, and it is the name of the voice, and the demon is the iniquity. This passage simply puts it, that is, when anything goes to extremes, it will make you lose yourself madly.
There is nothing wrong with longing for good love and a happy marriage, but in the process of getting it, wanting to occupy all your spiritual world too much becomes a desire that becomes your weakness, in other words, it becomes the beginning of your BEING PUA.
Xiao Jie experienced the failure of the first marriage, and soon met Xu Zheng, who was high value in all aspects, even in real life, xiao Jie doubly cherished Xu Zheng's love is normal, because he has failed, so he wants to succeed once. If Xiao Jie is infatuated with Xu Zheng, it is better to say that she is obsessed with the feeling that Xu Zheng is together.
Xu Zheng surrounded Xiao Jie with gentle and considerate love, not letting Xiao Jie have a moment of loneliness, which was exactly what Xiao Jie needed in his heart. Her sister reminded Xiao Jie that a person should learn to enjoy loneliness, but unfortunately Xiao Jie did not realize it, she said that she was very afraid of loneliness, afraid of the feeling of being alone.
Because of fear will be desired, because failure will be cherished, so when Xu Zheng began to put forward various excessive requirements for Xiao Jie, Xiao Jie chose to compromise, or even pander. In PUA, one of the most important purposes is to make the other party willingly pander.
Many people, including Xiao Jie, will understand this kind of pandering as tolerance in marriage, and it is precisely with this kind of cognition that they will let themselves lose themselves step by step without self-awareness. An important feature of PUA is to control each other and let the other party do everything according to their own wishes, just as Xu Zheng wants Xiao Jie to become his personal property.
And Xu Zheng's control is from the beginning of jealousy and unhappiness, he put forward excessive requirements step by step, from not being able to interact with old money, to not allowing intimate acts with his nephew, to not being able to contact authors of the opposite sex at work, these requirements are step by step across the boundaries of lovers, and Xiao Jie acquiesced to these restrictions, as long as Xu Zheng is angry, she will compromise and pander.
Many people say that women at this time are overwhelmed by love and confused, in fact, from another point of view, it can also be said that it is a trade-off between longing for love and making yourself uncomfortable, and choosing to compromise. At this time, Xiao Jie, not allowing herself to contact the opposite sex is to make herself uncomfortable, but compared to Xu Zheng's love, she feels that she can compromise and sacrifice it.
It was not until this restriction was further expanded, isolating Xiao Jie from the outside world, that Xiao Jie realized the seriousness of the problem. Fortunately, she also grew up and ended this love marriage.
There are also many people in the barrage who say that their boyfriend is exactly the same as Xu Zheng, who likes to be jealous, jealous and careful. Many people also say that this is normal, loving a person means that you can't betray, but behind this there is a boundary problem of interpersonal communication, and there is also a boundary between lovers and lovers, once you cross the line, once you lose the bottom line, it is likely to evolve into a PUA like Xu Zheng's, it can be said that this PUA is hidden under the appearance of love, which is a combination of control and inferiority. On how to identify interested friends can move to "Xiao Minjia" Liu Xiaojie: Lost in Xu Zheng's love, and do not know themselves
So, how do you avoid encountering love marriages or invisible PUAs in life?
First, enhance your sense of worth. An important way in PUA is to show their high value, so you can also see that the inner sense of value of the party being PUA is low, at least not high. What is shown is whether a person is confident in his heart.
Xiao Jie seems to be a confident girl, but the failure of her first marriage also made her feel low value, although she believes that divorced women can also have better people and a higher quality of happy life, but she still put herself on the side of low value in front of Xu Zheng.
The improvement of self-worth is a process of obtaining inner strength, you can read some cognitive books to improve your inner cultivation and way of thinking, you can also take a piece of paper to write down your own good and bad aspects, and then ask yourself. And the most important point is not to easily demean yourself, the beginning of a woman's love for herself is to see her own excellence.
Second, don't lose yourself. Women are prone to lose themselves, because in love marriage, women pay a lot, but this kind of giving and loss is to have a bottom line. Xiao Jie's boss reminded Xiao Jie that no matter how good his other half is, he must also have his own career, which is the foundation of your life.
This sentence of Boss Xiaojie said that the important problem in love marriage is that you cannot lose yourself. Whether you are for love marriage, or for your family and children, no matter how much you pay, even if you make sacrifices, you can't lose yourself, this is your bottom line.
Finally, focus on personal growth and cultivate your own independent thinking and judgment. Meeting love and entering marriage is an important growth issue for a person. Whether it is reading books or chasing dramas, you can learn lessons from them, so that when you encounter some discomfort and unfairness, you can bravely face and make rational analysis, do not blindly demean yourself, do not easily deny yourself, can make you not be brainwashed, or not PUA.
Growing up is indeed a painful and happy process, but it is like Xiao Jie who paid a terrible price to grow, which we do not want to see, let alone experience. Therefore, in the face of love marriage, the warmth of feelings can be there, but rational thinking must not be missing.
Have you ever experienced being PUA? Or after reading the article, do you find that you are experiencing invisible PUA? And how to deal with it? Feel free to share your response in the comments section.
(The pictures are all from the screenshots of the TV series "Xiao MinJia", if there is infringement, please contact to delete)