People participate in the costume garden blind date. (Xinhua News Agency, Huang Zongzhi/Photo)
How many steps do you need to go through to realize that you are getting married?
Born in 1997, after "interviewing" three hundred boys a year and successfully finding a boyfriend, Caroland summed up his experience into words and posted it in the Little Red Book the day before Valentine's Day in 2022. In two days, the content received 200,000 views, over 10,000 likes and nearly 5,000 comments.
The most asked question in the comments was the object examination score list summarized by Caroland. In this table, Caroland details the different stages and steps from recognizing being able to marry. In the general direction, there are four stages of ordinary friends, good friends, boyfriends, and life partners, and each stage can be split into a number of different proportions of the field. There are forty-six subdivisions in the four stages, and each field lists the corresponding examination methods, as well as the specific criteria of one-vote rejection, six points, eight points, and ten points.
Part of the Caroran Object Survey Table. (Photo/Photo courtesy of the interviewee)
Among the many comments that asked for the specifics of the form, there was also a debate between two voices, one thinking that finding someone to become a job was terrible, and the other feeling that Caroline was clear-headed and very clear about his position and goals.
According to data from the Ministry of Civil Affairs, the mainland's single adult population reached 240 million in 2018, and the number of marriages has declined year by year since 2014, falling below the 10 million pair mark in 2019 and falling below 8 million pairs in 2021.
For people who want to get off the list/get married, blind dates have become an increasingly popular choice. According to the "2019Q1 Single Population Survey Report" released by Zhen'ai Network, the first blind date of single men and women is less than 23 years old, and nearly half of them have blind date experience after 95, while the average number of successful blind dates for the off-single population is 5 times. From the blind date corner of beijing's Temple of Heaven and Shanghai People's Park, from the 985 blind date bureau to the online dating platform under different banners, young people looking forward to finding a life partner are active.
Or actively or passively go on a blind date
Before the age of 30, Internet practitioner Xiaobai did not deliberately consider marriage. Although her family urged xiaobai to find a good family from the beginning of her master's degree, Xiaobai believed that everything needed to go with the flow.
After the third relationship ended in a breakup, Xiao Bai began to consider blind dates. At this time, she was 32 years old, and came to the conclusion that if she did not marry and have children, there would be regrets in life, and if she wanted to have children, 35 years old would be more appropriate. In this way, Xiao Bai needs to find the right person in a relatively short period of time, cultivate feelings, get married, and have children before the age of 35.
At that time, Xiao Bai set a goal for himself: to find the ideal object in three months.
The specific way to achieve this is to get to know at least one person per week. Xiao Bai is a north drifter from Hunan, and there are no relatives in Beijing who can help introduce him, so he can only rely on himself. From the perspective of her circle of friends, she took the initiative to ask the right person to come out to dinner and asked a well-connected friend to introduce. At the same time, Xiao Bai also tried a lot of online software and public accounts such as MaryU, Mo shang hua blossom, etc., but it didn't take long for her to find that the people she met on these platforms were not reliable, few people took marriage in the short term as the starting point, and there were many "pig killing plates" that came up to talk about financial management.
Accidentally, Xiao Bai found that Douban has a group for love, many seriously written blind date posts in the group, people who are interested in the poster first exchange by email, suitable for further communication, is a relatively slow communication process. Xiao Bai posted his carefully prepared posts in the group and received nearly a hundred replies within two or three weeks. Of those who responded, she met her current husband.
In 2020, Caroland, a master's student in the Uk, downloaded Summer, a campus real-name certified dating software for college students. When she was 23 years old, she found that many people around her who had worked for many years were single, and it was more difficult to have the energy to meet new people after thinking about work, hoping that she could get off the list as soon as possible. In the year of using Summer, Caroline chatted with three hundred people, and added WeChat with forty of them, officially meeting three people offline.
Since graduation, relatives and friends of Xiamen Cheng Hai have begun to introduce him to blind dates intermittently, but he has always adhered to the Buddhist attitude, not refusing to meet each other, not forcing them to be together. By 2016, 28-year-old Cheng Hai realized that both parents had entered the age of retirement and that it was time for him to start a family, so he increased the frequency of blind dates.
Before graduation, Cheng Hai basically did not have the experience of being alone with girls, in order not to be cold, he specially prepared a set of "blind date techniques" to deal with the first meeting, planned a set of topics to be involved, created a humorous image for himself, and also used some stories to explore each other's views on money and family. The first time he used the technique, Cheng Hai was still very nervous, and by the third time, he had already "walked in the clouds and flowed water".
That year, Cheng Hai went on blind dates 31 times, once saw a person every day from Monday to Thursday, ate a Hong Kong-style tea restaurant for three consecutive days, and "wanted to throw up after eating." After a period of time, Cheng Hai found that the cost of high-intensity blind dates was very high, and eating plus shopping and drinking coffee may cost four hundred yuan a night. In order to reduce costs, after the blind date, Cheng Hai will take each other to a greek restaurant that is more economical and decorated. After eating, the waiter wondered, "Why do you bring different girls over to dinner every time?"
Book editor Zhang Yiqi is 29 years old, and her blind date began with the active introduction of relatives and friends. Zhang Yiqi's first blind date occurred in his sophomore year, the other party was an IT practitioner who had worked for several years, and Zhang Yiqi, who held the mentality of making friends, chatted with the other party for a long time. After the end, the introducer told Zhang Yiqi that if she agreed to fall in love, she was ready to "bleed" on Valentine's Day and buy a very expensive gift. Zhang Yiqi's first feeling was unhappy, feeling like a condescending "reward".
After that, more and more people were introduced, and her parents also hoped that Zhang Yiqi would find someone who could take care of her as soon as possible, but she had never met the right person. Zhang Yiqi feels that it is very good to be single, it is too difficult to fall in love and get married, even if you do not marry for a lifetime. Friends understand, but her parents argue with her and keep looking for her next blind date.
Know yourself and identify each other
In 2021, after Xiao Bai shared his experience of being proposed to xiaohong on the Little Red Book, a batch of comments on "receiving good luck" appeared, and people of the same age as Xiao Bai expressed anxiety, thinking that they "couldn't meet". Finding that so many people care about this topic, Xiao Bai shared his story of successfully finding a partner in three months, and continued to output blind date points and become a "blind date teaching blogger".
Xiao Bai's teaching divides finding a partner into three parts, namely what kind of person he wants to find, where such a person will be, and why he will be with him. Before officially meeting the newcomer, Xiao Bai spent a week recalling his previous love experience and listing the three traits he wanted most and didn't want the most. Sunshine and humor were the criteria she had initially set.
After receiving nearly a hundred replies after the Douban team posted, XiaoBai conducted a round of screening and contacted one by one in the order of intention. Among them, there is a male student who meets the requirements of Xiao Bai in all aspects, graduated from Tsinghua University, works in the system, looks sunny, and is humorous. However, after meeting several times, the other party showed "anxious and tired", each meeting wanted to make progress, and when discussing the rhythm of development, he was angry because he could not reach an agreement, saying that he would not continue to chat, afraid of exploding his own foul language.
Xiao Bai's current husband's answer to The Douban exclusive question before marriage. (Photo/Photo courtesy of the interviewee)
This boy will often quarrel with his parents, and all kinds of details make Xiao Bai realize that he will not be able to get along with him in the future, and it is also at this time that Xiao Bai finds that emotional stability is more important than many conditions. In this regard, the top 3 wanted traits under the initial list were modified to include personality.
As a product manager, Xiao Bai holds the idea of going through frequent iterations on blind dates, and summarizes the latest set of standards every once in a while. In the third part, why the other party will be with himself, Xiao Bai also underwent an iterative process. At first, XiaoBai thought that boys would pay attention to appearance, and when posting, they would choose some photos that could highlight their physical strengths, although they were not too beautiful, but also pay attention to weakening their shortcomings. In the actual contact, Xiao Bai found that the boy would also explore the material conditions. So she gradually adjusted from suggesting that she had a rich and well-informed life to revealing her income and future work plans.
Caroland's expectations for the other half are fully documented in the subject examination scoring table. To become friends, you must have certain personality qualities and hard conditions; to become a good friend, you need to be able to appreciate each other, have the same three views, and can work together; if you want to become a boyfriend, you must examine the degree of hormonal attraction and attentive attention; the last stage of becoming a life partner is the overlap and superposition of future planning and time experience.
Caroline summarized the object examination table framework. (Photo/Photo courtesy of the interviewee)
The content of the form comes from Caroline's experience with three hundred boys a year, and a large part of it comes from a hands-on "exchange of ideas". Before being with her current boyfriend, Caroran spent nearly two weeks typing and chatting with her boyfriend on time every day, asking each other questions and answering questions about the love experience, underlying personality, money concept, and future planning. During the question and answer, the two found that they had very similar personalities and very similar plans for life, so they came together.
Whether it is an acquaintance introduction or an online acquaintance, the essence of blind dates or the socialization of strangers for the purpose of marriage. After knowing yourself and what you want, there is a compulsory course: to distinguish each other in the process of known information and actual relationships.
The first two people caroline met were in disagreements. The first one felt a good fit when chatting online and made a voice call. But when Caroline knocked on the side and asked if he wanted to meet, the other party refused on the grounds of the danger of the epidemic. After that, the two gradually stopped communicating. "I thought it was strange at the time, and suddenly I became very cold." Caroline told Southern Weekend, "But I feel like there may be other options." ”
Another person who meets offline is almost "seeing the light and dying". Before the meeting, Caroline found this person's Douban, saw his entrepreneurial experience, and felt that he was a very thoughtful person. However, in the actual meeting chat, it was found that the other party's conversation was quite different from the expectations, and the two people exchanged not on the same channel. After this, Caroline found that the gap between the other party and his own academic qualifications was relatively large.
Although he has stepped on the pit on the Internet, Caroland does not think it is a problem of the channel: "I think it is human nature, and there will be these problems online and offline." Instead, because I know what kind of people I want, there are more samples online. ”
Cover of a post by Caroland, "Interviewing 300 People a Year." (Photo/Photo courtesy of the interviewee)
In 31 blind dates, Cheng Hai met 3 girls who felt they could develop further. Before considering further development, Cheng Hai will first "showdown" with them and admit three problems. First, he owed a lot of money; second, his father lost a lot of money by speculating in stocks; third, family relations were complicated. These three problems are real, but in the process of the showdown, Cheng Hai also deliberately hid some information, such as a large amount of money owed was a mortgage, and the stock loss just happened to encounter the stock crash in 2015, but the family members were financially independent of each other, and the total amount of stock accounts was very impressive.
After listening to Cheng Hai's showdown, the girls basically said "this is nothing", but two of them will suddenly "have something" to rush home after eating, and then make an appointment, and then they will not be able to "have something" out. The remaining blind date that can still be made out, after saying that he will help Cheng Hai share it together, will also pick expensive places to travel every time, which seems to Cheng Hai to be a bit "inconsistent in words and deeds".
During a meal, Cheng Hai found that the girl who was not scared away by the showdown had a very sharp look in her eyes for a moment, and his intuition told him that this girl had a bad temper and might not be suitable for life. Under the superposition of multiple details, Cheng Hai also excluded the girl from his own consideration. Later, the fact that the temper was not good was confirmed by people who both knew each other, and the girl would move the table to smash people when she quarreled.
The "end" of happiness
Xiao Bai has an exclusive question in the post posted by the Douban group, describing the ideal life of two people. Her current husband was not in Xiao Bai's mate selection range because of his younger age, but the answer he gave was very sincere, describing a warm scene such as "you read a book on the sofa, I cook for you in the kitchen", which made Xiao Bai feel touched. However, because there were two fruitless sister-brother relationships, Xiao Bai had a grudge against boys younger than himself, so he added him with the mentality of making a friend.
The first time the two met was at the flower market, did not find friends to go together, the two went to lunch with a large pot of flowers after shopping. Later, after several appointments to eat, Xiao Bai gradually put down the mustard and found that it was very comfortable to get along with him, "every time I go back, I will be very happy and at ease."
At the fifth meal, the boy asked Xiao Bai "do you want to be my girlfriend", because they had only known each other for a month, Xiao Bai hesitated, but he also felt that there was nothing wrong except for the time soon. After a meeting, the other party confessed again, and the two people successfully established a relationship between lovers, and then successfully lived together and got married.
The scene of Xiao Bai being proposed. (Photo/Photo courtesy of the interviewee)
Caroran's current boyfriend is the third person to meet offline at that time, and after two weeks of "concept mutual questioning", before the formal meeting, the two basically recognized each other. In mutual questions about future planning, both answered that they started a family around the age of 28-30.
After Xiaobai and Caroran successfully found a partner through blind dates, they both precipitated their own experiences into content and posted them on social platforms to help more people who are still "struggling" on the blind date field. Xiao Bai formed a community of "knowing one person every week" and hoped that everyone would take action and move towards success.
However, not everyone can find the ideal person through blind dates. In Xiao Bai's group, there were hundreds of blind dates and did not succeed.
Cheng Hai's final marriage partner, who dates 32 times a year, is not a blind date. When the blind date was almost excluded, Cheng Hai paid attention to a girl he had met at the party before. At that time, girls would often talk to him and help him solve problems. When giving the girl a thank you gift and the two of them eating together, the girl took the initiative to pay the bill. This is a scene that Cheng Hai has never encountered in 31 blind dates. Although the girl's family conditions are not as good as the previous blind date, the initiative to pay for it makes Cheng Hai think that she is a worthy object for development, and Cheng Hai's family belongs to the local middle and upper level, and she does not care too much about the girl's family situation. The two established a relationship three months after formal contact, and after two months of licensed marriage, they now have children.
In the drama "Blind Date in the Society" (2022), the male and female protagonists meet in a blind date arranged by their parents. (Infographic/Figure)
After graduating with a master's degree in state-owned enterprises, He Song embarked on the road of blind date. She had never been in love before graduation, and she was very eager to find a partner who could grow up together, but the people she met on a blind date were either looked down on her or looked down on herself. In 2019, He Song, who was in the age of establishment, entered a period of anxiety, recording his blind date experience under the question "What is the end of the older leftover woman", expressing fear that "he will be lonely for a lifetime".
Among the blind dates, there are also people who pursue He Song very seriously, and even some people immediately bought a house near He Song's work site because He Song felt that he "did not buy a house before the house price soared, and would not plan for the future". But after He Song tried to get along with the other party, he could not imagine further contact. He Song frankly said that he was a face control and voice control, like a polite person, and once took the initiative to pursue several blind dates that met his requirements.
Among the boys He Song took the initiative to chase, there was a person that her parents felt was very suitable. The work and consumption habits of the two are very matched, and they usually chat and meet, but they have not been able to push the relationship forward for half a year. When He Song invited the boy to come to dinner with his family, the boy refused. He Song asked the other party what he really thought. The other party's "inappropriate" made He Song instantly fall to the bottom.
Since then, He Song has begun to have a pessimistic attitude towards blind dates, feeling that it is too time-consuming and costly, and he spends half a year to know a person but still says that it is not appropriate. Since then, she has stopped sharing blind date stories with her parents, but instead said that she was not on a blind date: "After giving them hope, they may be disappointed." I can't bear the disappointment. ”
After the disappointment of the blind date has passed, He Song is still in contact with the blind date intermittently and has also participated in the blind date. At the blind date party, when he saw a boy with good conditions being rejected by a girl who was three years older than himself, He Song suddenly found that when everyone had the right to choose, it was really difficult to pick a person who could look at each other.
"I sometimes think that if I were a fatherless and motherless child, it wouldn't matter to me if I got married, and it didn't matter if I couldn't find it." He Song told Southern Weekend, "But if I live alone, it will be cruel to my parents. Other people's parents can enjoy the joy of the world, but my parents can't even feel such happiness. ”
Zhang Yiqi has not met the right person because of the blind date, and her mother has had a fierce quarrel, and she has done some verbal harm to each other, and she does not know "why the plot of this KIND OF TV series happens in her own home". In the most white-hot stage of the conflict, Zhang Yiqi was very frustrated, and he also thought about "or forget it, find a good one in here."
At the time, Zhang Yiqi's father told her that "you can't think like this" and advocated continuous communication. Later, because many girls in the family had the same situation as Zhang Yiqi, and repeatedly expressed their demands for life and feelings to their mothers, their mothers gradually stopped tit-for-tat.
Although Zhang Yiqi occasionally goes to see relatives and friends tirelessly introduced blind dates, she has been frank: "Just like the puzzle, my current puzzle is quite complete, if you insist on adding a piece in, you may have to take away other things, which is also a very important decision for me." I feel like I'm at a point of balance right now and wouldn't be very eager to end being single or getting married and having kids right away. ”
(At the request of the interviewee, Xiao Bai, Carolan, Cheng Hai, He Song, and Zhang Yiqi are pseudonyms)
Southern Weekend contributed to Lu Yuting