More and more families now have two or more children.
One more child in this era is not such a simple thing as an extra pair of chopsticks, which is enough to make the family chicken fly dog jump because of "who is the surname of the second treasure" in the end.
PRAT1 Second Child Storm: With Whom's Last Name?
Ms. Wang and her husband and wife had a girl 4 years ago, when they were the first child, both men and women in the whole family liked, and naturally followed the father's surname.
The daughter naturally took her father's surname, but at that time, Ms. Wang joked that "if there is a second eldest in the future, she will follow my surname, so as to appear fair." ”
A few years later, Ms. Wang and her husband felt that a child was too lonely, and from the Chinese bones, they still hoped that their children would be complete.
Therefore, not long after the opening of the two-child policy, the whole family expected a second child, and the second treasure was a boy!
This time, the children were complete, and everyone was satisfied.
However, not long after the happiness, Ms. Wang's confinement was not finished, and the family conflict came.
The whole family began to argue over whose surname the boy should follow.
Ms. Wang's parents believe that the previously agreed "Erbao with the woman's surname" cannot be denied, the name is also good, and even the woman's property inheritance is planned for the second treasure.
The grandparents looked like boys and were reluctant to do so, and my family also had "property" that needed to be inherited by boys.
The two sides negotiated in a harmonious manner, but there was no result, everyone held their breath, and the two sides began not to look at each other.
Although the young couple felt that they could follow anyone's surname, after being bombarded by the emotions between the elders, the couple also began to have differences.
Dabao, who had originally greeted his "sister" with joy, found that it was a younger brother and was not happy.
In addition, the whole family's attention is on the younger brother, Dabao becomes irritable, disobedient, sometimes screaming at home, and the whole family is annoyed and does not have a good temper with her.
Ms. Wang was so exhausted that she approached us for consultation during the month.
After listening to her crying, I found that this is basically a typical case.
As a family therapist, you need to lead your family members to see the process of this storm, how does it happen?
Why is this happening at this time?
What are the common beliefs and solution strategies of the family (all members)?
PRAT2 Conflict Source: 4 years ago...
In fact, this family storm has been laid down as early as 4 years ago.
Ms. Wang and his wife are only children, the family economic conditions are good, and the grandparents also have a lot of expectations.
In particular, Ms. Wang's father is particularly eager to have a grandson, because he is the eldest son in the family, hard work in the early years, and has achieved little success in middle age, and now the only regret in his twilight years is that he has not been able to have a boy to pass on to the family.
Although the mouth is not said, the old man's desire for his grandson is still somewhat strong.
When I heard that the two children had a second child, I paid more attention to Ms. Wang's B-ultrasound situation, and from time to time revealed the regret of "being the eldest son of the family without a queen", and also knocked on the side to ask whose surname the child was with, and also expressed that the second treasure would come to help after birth.
Ms. Wang cried and laughed when she said this part, "This pit is buried a little deeply", and now it seems that Grandpa has long had a plan to seize his grandchildren.
Second, Dabao's ideological work was not done well.
After my daughter went to kindergarten, she often came back and asked, "Mom, when will I have a brother and sister too?" and "When I have younger siblings, I will help you take care of him."
Ms. Wang did not understand why she now had a younger brother, and her daughter seemed to have changed as a person, and she wanted to send her brother away.
I asked Ms. Wang to see her brother's arrival from her daughter's point of view.
Ms. Wang suddenly realized that "she must think that her brother stole our love for her, she is actually very sad." ”
The child's desire to express "younger siblings" is to have one more person to play with her, rather than no one to ignore her, which is a huge blow to a "former only child".
For a 4 year old, we can't ask her to be as rational and sensible as an adult.
In her world, only by becoming like a baby again, Mom and Dad will return to themselves, which is what we often call "regression" in psychology.
However, this is not the biggest dilemma facing the family in the future.
Ms. Wang said that in the end, in order to calm the storm at home, she let the second elder follow his mother's surname and let the eldest go to live at his grandparents' house.
This was exchanged for a moment of calm.
But will a girl with her father's surname and a boy with her mother's surname be the same as her brotherhood?
They will be raised separately, will they be like the siblings who grew up together?
Will the families of both parties treat their two children equally in terms of resources?
How will different surnames affect a child's personal future?
The expectations that a person is born with, the surname given, the name of the milk, etc., will become the driving force that affects our lives. Especially in our traditional conception, the right to crown the surname is an important thing.
How will two children understand their different surnames? Parents give answers and explanations do they believe?
In addition, issues such as son preference, ranking order, and foster care are also the driving force of the family system that has an important impact on two children. How will they see their relationship to the world then?
(For details, please refer to Shen Jiahong's book "Native Family", The System Dynamics in the Family | "Native Family: Psychological Motivation That Affects Your Life")
The answer is open.
PART3 Advice from a Family Therapist
As a family systems dynamic therapist, I would advise parents of second-born families to do two things well that will go a long way toward making this answer positive and meaningful.
The first thing: to separate and differentiate from your parents in your own family of origin.
When a person has a newborn family, he must do a good job of differentiation with the original family, and it must be clear who is the parent and child in this nuclear small family, and who has the right to enjoy the resources and relationships in this family.
Many people seem to have started a family, but it is still their parents who are in charge of the family.
Chinese families are big families, and many times there are no boundaries, for example, are the financial situations and bedside affairs of many small families clearly known by the elders?
The second thing: do a drill with Dabao.
"Communicated with children" and "We respect children's opinions" These are all parents' excuses, and the real communication and respect is to let children know what will happen in life after having the second treasure.
Make a rehearsal with the child, if a brother or sister comes, what will happen to the way mom and dad treat themselves, mom and dad don't have a lot of energy to pay attention to themselves, whether they will be taken care of by others, how long will this transition time be, and so on.
Talk to Dabao carefully, so that he/she understands that he or she is also part of the family and needs to make adjustments for the arrival of his younger siblings.
As for the matter of "whose surname it is", it is naturally not a difficult problem for the couple to grasp it with full authority.
PREVIEW
Each of us is born, grown up, and lived with a variety of family system dynamics, and many times we cannot screen and predict in advance, but we can remain objective and rational as much as possible, and carry forward the good influences and reduce the bad ones.
This is also the mission and significance of family system dynamic therapy.
Author: Zhu Qizhen
National third-level psychological counselor, practicing for 7 years
Clinical Psychotherapist (Ministry of Health), Master of Medicine
Shen Jiahong psychological counselor
Graduate student of child and child health and maternal and child health care at Sun Yat-sen University
He is a member of the Group Psychological Counseling and Treatment Professional Committee of the Chinese Mental Health Association
Psychological counselor of China Association of Non-public Medical Institutions