Original | Pregnancy
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"If you don't have a sister
The big ones may not get sick! ”
On April 17, an 80,000-word diary by 43-year-old mother Wu Yueqin attracted all attention, and the following is the full text she shared:
Wu Yueqin is a mother of a depressed child, and in 2020, her 16-year-old daughter was diagnosed with depression and later turned to bipolar disorder.
In her diary, she recorded her relationship with her daughter, and also reflected on the failure of her education and the trauma caused by family rifts to her daughter.
After reading the diary, the pregnant mother was very moved.
(Image source: @极昼)
In this family, the father is throwing the palm cabinet + violent tendencies, the grandparents are promised to help and do not care, and the mother is depressed because of the second child.
In this family environment, the eldest daughter fell ill, suffered from depression, and wanted to kill herself many times.
The eldest daughter used to be very cheerful and lively, and she was also full of mothers, and she would buy bracelets for her mother in the 2 yuan store, and she would buy babies for her mother.
When my parents quarreled, my father rushed to my mother to protect my mother when I wanted to take a knife and bucket, shouting: "If you want a bucket, hurt me first!" ”
But such children were lost by their parents.
The mother attributed the trigger for her daughter's illness to having a second sister.
When the eldest daughter was 13 years old, the second sister was born, and after that, the whole focus of the family was on the younger sister, and the mother was exhausted because she took her sister, and the grandparents said that they would help bring the baby, but it was only
The couple always quarreled, and the mother was depressed after giving birth.
After the birth of her sister, the family completely ignored the eldest and always let her let her sister.
Once my sister learned to walk and wrestled, my parents accused the boss without saying a word: Why don't you know to take your legs back, why don't you help your sister?
For this reason, the boss cried aggrievedly:
"Why should I let my sister?"
"Why did I watch TV and did nothing, and my sister blamed me for falling?"
"Why did Dad beat me, and you didn't protect me?"
"Why did you give birth to me?"
"If I don't have my sister, I won't be wronged, and I'll pass the hurt on my sister."
So, since then, the boss has sprayed alcohol spray on his sister's face, will cause damage when her sister is playing, and will bomb her sister with a leather band.....
This kind of getting along made my sister also hurt.
Mom said: If you didn't want the small one at that time, the big one might not get sick, but regret is the most useless thing.
Watching the experience shared by this mother, many netizens are distressed for it, for the eldest daughter, and for the second sister:
"The second child did something wrong, to face the problem parents and emotional sister, but also to be bullied by the sister, and to endure the evil thought brought by relatives that "it would be good if you didn't have a second child". ”
"The eldest one gave birth to a second child before raising it, and such a family harmed two children."
"You can't blame a man with a knife to stab you, you can't do without." A daughter who protects you with her life, and you blame her for being sick. ”
"A child is not raised well, and there is a second child, what qualifications are there to have a second child."
"Having a second child really requires the opinion of the first child, after all, the first child is also a member of the family, and the first child has the right to know and participate in family decision-making."
That's right, although the eldest daughter's illness is not entirely due to the arrival of the second sister, a large part of it is caused by the family environment.
But if you don't even take care of the first child, really don't have a second child, which is a harm to both children.
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"If I can't be a Duanshui master, I won't have a second child!"
Li Guangjie and his wife once talked about having a second child on the show, and their couple's attitude is very clear: if they can't balance their love for their two children, they won't have a second child.
This is really responsible for the child.
Because for a second-child family, it is really important to weigh the love for the two children.
If you don't think about it well, it's really easy to overlook Dabao.
And the neglect of his parents is a deep hurt to Dabao.
The following scene, I believe that many second-child families have appeared.
The second sister cried, and the whole family went to coax her sister, only the mother noticed that Dabao was sitting alone at the table, feeling depressed.
Seeing his mother patting him, he also vented and pulled the white paper in his hand to the ground, and then lowered his head, but after a second, he couldn't help but look up and continue to look.
Dad sensed Dabao's emotions and immediately went over to hug Dabao, and Dabao's tears immediately rolled in his eyes.
The arrival of my sister is a huge change for Dabao.
If in this great change, he detected the neglect of his parents, then this great change for him was mixed with a storm that would impact his young heart.
Remember the 11-year-old boy who ran away from home because his mom was pregnant?
Because he was criticized by his pregnant mother for playfulness, he felt that his mother did not like her, so he ran away from home and wandered alone for a day and a night.
He said: My mother always scolded me and didn't like me, and now that she is pregnant and has a baby, she doesn't like me even more!
Are children naughty? No, he just hoped that his mother would love him more and pay more attention.
Many parents overlook the point that after having Erbao, Dabao still needs to be loved, paid attention to, and cared for.
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"TA is smaller than you", "Kong Rong let the pear"
It is the biggest pit for a two-child family!
Almost the vast majority of parents of our generation have acquiesced to the fact that "the big gives way to the small".
It is Dabao's obligation and responsibility as an older brother/sister.
But the "let" in the mouth of parents will hurt the child's heart the most!
There is a father-daughter dialogue in "The Young Man Says", which makes the pregnant mother very distressed:
A little girl plucked up the courage to say to her father: Dad, can you try to believe me once?
She has a sister at home, always provoked for no reason, she has to be taught a lesson by her father, sometimes it is obviously her sister's fault, but her father always protects her little daughter unconditionally, which makes her wronged and wronged!
But she plucked up the courage to protest, but her father said coldly:
She is small and does not understand, do you not understand things?
Kong Rong let the truth of pears still use me?
Are you the sister, of course you have to let the sister?
Even if the eldest daughter had cried until she couldn't cry, the father did not comfort his daughter, and in the end, the little girl could only leave the scene with tears on her face!
Many parents still do not know that this neglect and favoritism of their parents will really bring indelible damage to Dabao.
Pregnant mothers have seen a lot of such news, and two of them are the most profound.
A 6-year-old girl in Hubei Province, because her mother gave birth to a second child, her attention was all on her younger brother, and her parents' lack of attention caused her soul to suffer a heavy blow, resulting in hysterical blindness, and her vision was about to reach 0.15.
A 17-year-old girl in Henan Province jumped into a river with her 10-year-old sister to kill herself because of her parents' long-standing favoritism and neglect.
In life, her parents are asking them to let their younger brother all the time, which makes her very desperate: why do I let my younger brother every time, everything is based on my younger brother, and I don't care about the feelings of my sister and me! Why does my sister have to let it! Let! Let!
Because of the partiality of their parents, the two children are desperate to die, which is too distressing!
I want to say to all parents of the second and third children: don't use Kong Rong to let the pear kidnap the child, the premise of Kong Rong letting the pear is that the pear is handed to Kong Rong's hand first.
If at the beginning this pear was not handed to Kong Rong, directly said that your pear is big, directly to (others), then Kong Rong is not necessarily happy.
The big one should be the child's willing active choice, not the adult's mandatory requirement!
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After having Erbao
Please focus on Dabao's feelings!
For the second-child family, because of the arrival of the second child, taking care of the baby must be wholehearted, and there will inevitably be neglect.
At this time, parents must take care of Dabao's emotions.
At this point, Sun Li and Deng Chao handed over textbook answers.
When his younger sister Xiaohua was not yet born, Sun Li gave the naming power to his brother and so on, he liked an animated tiger called Xiaohua, so his sister was called Xiaohua.
Sun Li also carefully prepared a gift, telling Waiter that it was given to him by his sister, which made Wait's good impression of Xiaohua immediately arise.
Even Sun Li would take into account the feelings of Xiaohua 100 Days Banquet and tell him, "This is also your 33-month-old party."
And for the conflict between brothers and sisters, Sun Li has always let the child discuss to solve the conflict, never favoring his sister, and even told the nanny that no matter what food he wants to eat his sister, he will give it to him.
With enough love and trust, the relationship with her sister became closer and closer, and so on not only did not see her sister as a threat, but became her little teacher and patron saint, sticking together every day and not letting go.
Isn't this the best look in a second-child family.
Therefore, if you are also preparing to have a second child and feel that all the conditions are met, before starting the second and third child plans, please give Dabao enough security and love, please communicate with Dabao in advance.
There are two steps to this: before the arrival of the second baby and after the baby is born.
1. Communicate with Dabao in advance before the birth of the second child
(1) Ask Dabao to help choose the things in his younger siblings' rooms.
(2) Let Dabao pick a gift for his younger siblings, and his parents should also prepare a gift for Dabao.
Image source: @亲爱的小课桌
(3) Take more time to accompany Dabao. Let Dabao know that even if he has younger siblings, his parents still love him very, very much as always.
(4) Look at picture books. There are books written specifically for young children about growing families, which can help children understand the changes that are taking place in the family.
(5) Tell Dabao about the changes in the family after that. Reassure the older child that although the child needs a lot of attention, there is still enough time and love for him or her.
(6) Pay attention to Dabao's status in the family, patiently tell him that you are the baby's "big brother/sister", and help the child enjoy this new role.
(7) You can bring the big baby during the prenatal examination. Let him participate in the process, after the baby is born, schedule a time for them to meet as soon as possible, the first greeting is important.
2. Give Dabao enough love after the birth of the second child
(1) Never scold another child in front of the child.
(2) Never compare children. Never compare children with things like a brother who is disobedient or a sister who is not sensible, appreciate your child's behavior, show your child the right way to do things, and don't hint at who does it better.
(3) Do not get too involved in the quarrels between children. Let the child negotiate to resolve the conflict, and parents should not take sides.
(4) Praise the child. If Dabao gently touches the baby, give him compliments, hugs and kiss him, tell him how great he is, mom and dad are proud of him.
(5) Support the child's psychological feelings. The child will have jealousy and he will sometimes dislike his younger siblings, since the arrival of younger siblings will disrupt his life, understand and speak his feelings and tell him that it is okay so that he does not attract attention with bad things.
(6) Pay special attention to the emotions of older children. Increase your love for older children, say more I love you, increase the number of hugs per day, find time to read or play games, and if older children have emotional problems, regularly give children time that belongs to TA.
(7) Get Dabao involved. Teach Dabao how to help the baby, how to play with the baby, older brothers and sisters open the baby's gift, and take pictures of the baby with the camera. Teach him how to put socks on babies and encourage him to praise him.
(8) Make everyone special. Avoid comparing siblings, even on seemingly insignificant topics like birth weight, when they first crawled or walked, or who has more hair! Children can interpret these comments as criticism.
(9) Let your child understand you. When you don't have enough time to spend with Dabao, be sure to explain to Dabao why this happened, communicate with him, and understand his fears. You want him to know that for some reason you can't stay with him all the time.
The arrival of the second baby, every family needs time to adapt, in this process, the boss's psychology needs more attention, focus on handling this matter, so that the baby can peacefully adapt to the new family model.
Before the birth of the second child, let the eldest accept the second child from the heart, and after the birth of the second child, balance the care and love for the two children, this is the correct love of parents for the two children!
I hope that every baby can grow up under the care of mom and dad!
Reference article
"Zhihu", "Dear Little Desk"@叶一茜 @看看新闻 @新京报 "Strange Words" @极昼