I once knew such a father, he took good care of his children, and even turned the page of the book that the child wanted to read when he was studying.
He does this to save time for his children and to set aside more time for them to learn. However, contrary to his wishes, his son not only did not have good grades, but also formed a bad habit, and his father was not with him, so he could not complete his homework independently.
Children have a kind of dependence, as long as someone is anxious for him, he will slack himself.
When his parents are too involved in his learning, he will think that learning is something that his parents have in common with him, or even that it is completely the responsibility of his parents. Since his parents thought about something for him, he didn't have to worry about it. This is actually a big taboo for parents to educate their children.
Although the child at home is the pearl in the palm of the parent's hand and the center of the family, as parents, we should understand that once the child leaves the family, comes to school today or goes to society tomorrow, even the little emperor must obey the collective needs and will no longer be the center.
Therefore, parents should make their children realize that learning is his own business. Studying hard now is for him to have a good future in the future, not for his parents to study. In the face of fierce social competition, if there is no ability to maintain their own survival, then one day they will be eliminated.
Only when the child understands this, he can not wait and not rely on it, redouble the opportunity to learn, and the more engaged, the more rewarding he is.
We must remind parents that, in the end, learning is their own business, and it is more important for children to understand this than anything else! Of course, many parents understand this truth, and also hope that their children understand this truth, why do children still feel that they are learning for their parents?
01
A child's learning, this motivation is very different from the other motivation
There are actually two kinds of learning motivation for children, one is endogenous motivation and the other is external motivation. Child behavior and psychologists have made a surprising discovery: these two dynamics are like two large trees that grow next to each other, and their growth is often not synchronized, but rather one after the other.
In other words, if the learning motivation is given by external forces, then the resulting situation is often the atrophy of the child's internal learning motivation.
Nowadays, the external motivation of children to learn has been shown to be stronger in many families. Whether it is a weekend or a holiday, whether it is a cold wind or a hot summer, you can see parents driving hands to transport sleepy-eyed children around to tutoring classes; parents use electric vehicles to drive their children to and from school, all the way are severely torturing their children's homework, and when they get home, even if they don't have time to cook and wash, they must be like a cell boss, calling on children to put all their thoughts on learning.
In this way, the external motivation of the child to learn jumps into a giant, while the child's internal motivation to learn shrinks into a dwarf. Children often have a rebellious psychology in strict discipline and boundless repression:
My mother managed me like a cell boss, she wanted me to study well, not because she had the capital to brag in the circle of friends, so that she could get hundreds of likes on her face, did she feel my pain? Do you realize that I don't sleep enough every day, and the pain of being filled with all kinds of homework every day? How selfish she is!
02
The improper practices of parents weaken the internal motivation of children to learn
1. The emotions are completely carried away by the child's achievements
I don't know if your family is in this situation: the parents' joys and sorrows are all affected by the child's results, the child has taken the test well, and the parents are even more overjoyed than their own promotion and salary increase;
The child did not do well in the test, and the parents were depressed, and their investment was full of despair than the stock market plummeting. After such a performance became the norm, the child felt a thorn in his back as soon as he took the exam, and his hands were full of cold sweat.
Over time, the child feels that learning is for the mother, otherwise, why does the mother beat her chest for my 89 points and be sad?
Such a thing happened at a friend's house, the little girl did not do well in the exam, the mother thought of the hardships of driving her daughter around in the wind and rain this year, angry and sad, and could not help but cry. The little girl stood calmly and handed her mother a tissue, but instead comforted her:
"Mom, learning is my business and not your business, why are you so unable to withstand the blow?" Can you be calm when you are almost 40 years old? A monthly exam will make you like this, in the future, in case I do not take the middle school entrance examination and the college entrance examination well, what should you do? Which winner hasn't failed many times? Even our teachers said that there are difficulties and easys in the examination, that is, a stage test, and we must get out of the mentality of the winner as the king and the loser as the coward as soon as possible..."
The daughter's words are like a thunderclap in her mother's heart, prompting her to think about the blind spot in her own understanding: is the child's learning for herself, or for the face of the parents? Is the child's learning for her all-round growth, or is it just for a face-earned score?
2. Link the child's achievements with material rewards and punishments
I believe that many parents will make a lot of rules for their children to win material rewards, such as how many points to get on the homework test, how many will be rewarded to their children or what conditions to meet their children.
Parents who formulate such a reward and punishment policy must be proud, because at the beginning, the child did study well for material rewards for a while, but after 6 months at most, the same strength of rewards and punishments can not touch the child's heart, he began to restore the "old fritters" temperament.
Parents stared, he passively pushed a little, parents did not pay attention to supervision, he immediately deserted, and also came up with a unique way of laziness and slackness such as "squatting on the toilet for a long time to watch anime", "taking a long bath and delaying homework", "pretending to eat fruit and rubbing TV to watch".
Yes, look at these reward and punishment contracts between parents and children, and see how these material inducements are different from the way capitalists hire workers.
In the child's mind, the parent is like a capitalist, hanging a carrot in front of his nose, coaxing and deceiving him to drive him forward, in this case, which worker who works in this situation will be proactive and generate inner creativity?
3. Blame your children for not seeking self-improvement
"Since my children went to primary school, we have never written a paper, have not engaged in scientific research, and have not contributed to the evaluation of professional titles."
"But no, since the child entered the grinding path at the beginning of the little ascension, I have pushed away all the further training and overtime, and I have to get by at work."
"What are these sacrifices of yours, I am a good girlfriend, in order to keep an eye on the children's learning, closed the cafes that were very popular; I also have a sister who even gave up the opportunity to go to the United States to study for an MBA."
Three mothers in one play, when such a play is sung in front of the child, what will be the consequences?
If the child is sensible, he will definitely carry a heavy psychological burden - my mother sacrificed so much for me, if I can't get into the top five, I must not be ashamed to die? How did I have the face to face my mother's trusted face? If the child thinks like this, it will cause a big slippery slope in the big exam, and the situation of the small exam and the small abnormality will fall into the strange circle of confusing the chain at the critical moment.
If the child does not understand things, he will retort like this: "You don't want to make progress in the unit, why let me hurry up?" "You say I don't have a brain?" Are you an aura? How come you've been mixed up for so many years without even being an associate professor? ”
Parents encounter such a bear child, please do not rush to get angry, calm down and think, the child is not wrong, work is your business, learning is my business, we are all responsible for our own affairs okay? Don't always blame me for your own faults, I can't carry this pot!
4, always suppress the child's dreams
Now there are primary school students' families, dinner tables, on the way to school, children and parents of the conversation, has been guided by parents into a pragmatic dialogue, the theme of the exchange is nothing more than: how to improve your next exam, how to adjust the level of the competition awards; in order to arouse the teacher's attention to your weak links, do we want to give the teacher some gifts?
If the child is naïve and unrealistic, talking to his parents, what kind of person he will become when he grows up - he wants to work for the famous NASA, he wants to discover aliens and talk to them friendly; he wants to learn the most advanced movie stunts, to make the most powerful dinosaur movies in history; he wants to be the fastest and most popular e-sports player in the world; he wants to create a flying car that can solve the problem of urban congestion...
In the face of children's wild dreams these days, most parents shouted: nonsense, you hurry to give me rules and regulations to study, and then take the key middle school, a good university, a civil servant, an iron rice bowl, or let us rest assured.
Parents believe that their children's future wishes are boundless fantasies and untimely dreams, and think that he should keep an eye on the current acre and three points of land, and only work tirelessly in this place, in fact, this is very inconsistent with the child's love of change and love of longing.
A child who has no dreams has a hard time realizing the significance of all the suffering he is eating today, why he wants to learn math, English, piano, computers. If he does not have a long-term goal, it is difficult for him to be willing to endure the hard work in the near future.
Only when he realizes that the dreams of the future are inextricably linked to today's learning, and realizes that today's hard work is to have richer choices in the future, can his endogenous motivation sprout and take root and thrive.
As the famous writer Long Yingtai often said to his son Andrei when he was a child:
"Child, I ask you to study hard, not because I want you to compare grades with others, but I hope that in the future you will have the right to choose, choose meaningful, time-consuming work, rather than being forced to make a living." When your work has meaning in your heart, you have a sense of accomplishment. When your work gives you time and doesn't deprive you of your life, you have dignity. A sense of accomplishment and dignity that gives you joy. ”
As a mother who is diligent in thinking and raising her two sons, Long Yingtai also soberly realizes that money and fame are not the core elements of the happiness of the next generation.
She talked to her son like this:
"Suppose that the choice in front of you is to go to Wall Street as a bank manager or to go to the zoo as an administrator who takes care of lion hippos, and you are a person who likes animal research, I don't think that bank managers are more accomplished, and lion hippos are 'mediocre'." Struggling daily with the ups and downs of the number of money is probably not as good as bathing elephants and brushing hippos every day. ”
From this point of view, there is no distinction between high and low dreams, only suitable and inappropriate children. Therefore, with the child to see the seed of their dreams, plant it together, water it, find ways to cultivate it, if our parents do this first, you will find that the child's learning consciousness is not difficult to cultivate, because consciously voluntary, always belong to a person with a goal.
5. Everything about children's learning must be managed
Parents' learning of their children, whether it is the supervision of pre-study, or the inspection of homework, whether it is the promotion of memorization, or the details of review, must be chased and blocked, one by one, one by one, one by one, and no autonomy is given to the child.
Parents may not realize that it is such a thing that is not done by themselves, but it kills the initiative and consciousness of children's learning.
It's like when we encounter a boss who has to think, supervise, and correct everything, and doesn't trust his subordinates in everything, and in the end, the subordinates will become abacus beads, become "brainless giant babies", pushing and pushing, moving.
Yes, the subordinates will think: anyway, I think it is useless, it will not meet your wishes; anyway, consider the progress, performance, it is your business, you love to manage, may wish to give you all the brain-stirring things. In the same way, work becomes the business of the boss alone, and in the same way, learning becomes the business of the parents.
Children are still young, and they are not divided into their own areas of responsibility for themselves and their parents, and the parents' big package has exacerbated this sign. If we want to raise children who have clear boundaries in terms of responsibility, should we parents take a step back and give up space to stimulate children's initiative?
What parents should do is to stimulate their child's potential, mobilize his enthusiasm, and let him learn with full energy. Here are some reminders for parents:
Let the child handle the homework alone, let him use more brains and explore more.
When the child encounters a problem in doing homework, when asking you for advice, do not explain it to him immediately, you should ask the child how he thinks, see what he thinks wrong, which can make you understand his thinking, so as to guide the child to learn in a targeted manner.
Remember not to do your child's homework, even if the child keeps begging you or you sympathize with your child's large amount of homework. You need to lead your child to take responsibility for his own affairs.
When a child has an opinion about a teacher, tell the child that you can dislike the teacher, but you can't refuse to learn. You study for yourself, for your future needs. The teacher will eventually leave you, but the knowledge is yours, your lifelong wealth.
A final reminder to parents: to solve the endogenous motivation, you must be willing to let go.
In order to accompany reading and writing homework for 24 hours, parents give up their career pursuits, friends, and hobbies.
Such close pressing is, in fact, the external motivation of learning obscures the child's mental space. The external force is too strong, which is equivalent to completely suppressing the endogenous motivation of the child's learning, and the child is strictly monitored every day, in a state of blame at every turn, and it is strange not to be super disgusted with learning.
If children want to gradually establish the mentality of "learning is my own business, I am responsible for my own future", parents should gradually let go of their children's daily learning.
Basically, after the third grade, don't accompany the homework, the fourth grade should not intervene in the child's test summary and daily preparation, after the fifth grade, let the child choose the tutoring class by himself, and the sixth grade should let the child choose the path to further education...
In short, only when you release such a message - children, mothers can not hold up an umbrella for your future, learning, is your umbrella bone, an umbrella bone to accumulate their own capital to shelter from the wind and rain, the child will realize that learning, is the need to settle down, is the most critical cornerstone of future life, is the challenge he must face.
-END-
Source: Three Trees Psychological Education
![Solve these 4 problems and your child will explode with amazing motivation to learn! Her speech opened up thousands of parents[fig]](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAP///wAAACwAAAAAAQABAAACAkQBADs=)