In the book "The Inconceivable of Life", it is said that:
To maintain a relationship, the less you expect, the better, and if you don't have any expectations, you can love unconditionally.
Between people, the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment, the lower the expectations, but can get along better.
After all, in this world, not all efforts will be rewarded.
Life is never always fair. Good people do not necessarily have good rewards, and suffering does not necessarily have to be willing, and they repay grievances with virtue and seek perfection, and they may not be able to wait until the day when the conscience of others finds out.
These theorems apply to any relationship, including between parents and children. What we can do is to lower our expectations of others and be nicer to ourselves as soon as possible.
There is a saying on the Internet that says:
The easiest people to feel warm and surprised are strangers because you have no expectations of them; the most likely to make people feel sad and cold are people close to you because you love them.
We always have high expectations for our loved ones, especially between parents and children, although it is not necessary to have a substantial return, but at least to be able to feel emotionally full.
However, love has selfishness. The same is true of the love of parents for their children.
When the expectations in the heart are disappointed, that strong sense of gap will cause great psychological harm to people.
01. Once full of expectations
Netizen Lin Yuan (pseudonym) once had full expectations for her parents. When she was young, she sketched out many blueprints about the future of her life, in which the figures of her parents were clearly visible, and occasionally touched in her sleep, and she did not feel grinning.
As everyone knows, when she grew up, a word from her mother directly woke her up from her dream, and all expectations were disappointed, and for a long time, her heart was full of resentment like a widow in the world.
Lin Yuan has an older brother who is two years older than her.
When she was young, her parents seemed to treat her brothers and sisters equally, except that her mother often said that she ate too much, and often praised her brother in front of others for how smart she was...
In addition, when she was in the fourth grade of elementary school, she had already learned to do housework under her mother's arrangement, but her brother, who was two years older than her, never had to do it.
My mother once explained this, my mother said that you are going to marry in the future, you will not do housework how to get married, your brother is a boy and does not marry, of course, do not have to learn to do housework.
In fact, Lin Yuan could feel some differences, but at that time, she only felt that she was not as smart as her brother.
Therefore, in life, she tries her best to help her parents share the housework and not let their parents worry; she also works very hard in her studies, looking forward to using excellent results in exchange for her parents' smiles and praise.
As a line in "My Sister": "I live so hard because I hope that one day, when standing in front of my parents, you can say that my daughter is still good." ”
But her parents never praised her for being smart.
Even if she was admitted to a good university, her parents did not show much excitement, but said in front of her that the girl's education is so high, and then cried in front of her...
When she was in college, Lin Yuan was distressed that her parents earned money hard, lived very frugally, only took the lowest living expenses to the family every month, and often went to work to earn money, and worked hard to earn scholarships to reduce their burden.
Later, she learned that the family was not poor, and when she was a freshman, her parents bought a duplex house with more than 1 million yuan, more than 200 square meters.
02. The brother's blind date was successful
After graduating from college and entering the workplace, she experienced more things, and she also understood some of the sophistication of people, and she also began to have some ideas about some of her parents' practices.
Many things that happened later made her feel a little chilly.
For example, she originally worked in the field, with a high income and good prospects, but her parents insisted that she return to her hometown to work, even if she was a waiter in the county town with a monthly salary of 3,000, she had to go back. Because it is convenient to take care of them later.
For example, when discussing her marriage, her parents said that other people's girls were only secondary school students, and the bride price could be 100,000, she was a college student, and the bride price would be 200,000 yuan, thus driving away her first love...
Lin Yuan felt more and more that her parents were full of utilitarianism for her, but they were naturally full of love for her brother.
The brother is like Fang Jiadong, who is favored by his parents as a "giant baby" in "An Jia", cowardly and incompetent, irresponsible in case of trouble, and also eats and is lazy.
His parents bought a house and a car for him, and he was ready to get married, but his blind date was always unsuccessful. Many girls have been with him for a month or two, seeing his essence and turning away.
What made Lin Yuan unforgettable happened exactly on the day when her brother successfully went on a blind date.
At that time, her mother and brother were having dinner with her, and her mother said to her: "Daughter, your future sister-in-law does not want you to live at home after marriage..."
She was stunned on the spot, there are 6 houses upstairs and downstairs, her parents often live in the shop, the home is extremely spacious, why can't she accommodate her?
She always thought that she and her parents and brother were a family that loved each other, but she did not expect that she had become an outsider before she was married, and she asked her mother: "Where do you want me to move, is this what you and my father mean?" ”
My mother explained a lot, and she didn't listen to a word.
03. Can't go back to the past
In the days that followed, she did nothing during the day, but at night she cried and fell asleep. She no longer rejected blind dates, and in a very short time, she got engaged to her current husband and then married.
During this period, because of the dowry and the dowry, there was an argument with his mother. Later, the two sides slowly cooled down.
Fortunately, although her husband is generally well-off, he is down-to-earth and self-motivated, and he is also very protective of her, and will chat with her and comfort her in the night when she can't sleep after she wakes up crying.
She and her parents will occasionally move around, but they won't push their hearts as much as they used to.
In the past, every season, she would buy clothes, shoes and socks for her parents; now, in addition to the Mid-Autumn Festival, Spring Festival, and birthdays, she would give red envelopes according to local customs, and other times to stay polite and distant.
In the past, my mother said that her blood pressure had risen, she was very nervous, prescribing medicines, buying sphygmomanometers, running around; her father found gout, she looked around for medicine, looked up information on the Internet, and found out the food that was taboo for gout...
Now, the mother said that her father had suffered gout again, and she was no longer alarmed.
In the past two years, her parents began to contact her regularly.
It may be that they realize that their brother is unreliable and their sister-in-law is not easy to deal with, and they want to repair their relationship with her so that they can have more protection when they are old.
In fact, she knew very early that there would be this day, a woman who had not yet married in, and was going to drive her sister-in-law out of the house, how could she get along well?
Parents do small business, can make two or three hundred thousand a year, and they often live in the store, the advantages for the sister-in-law outweigh the disadvantages. However, when the parents are old and can't do business, can the sister-in-law tolerate them?
04. There is no harm without expectation
Her mother often told her about all kinds of chicken and dog jumping things between herself and her sister-in-law, but she didn't want to mix them at all, after all, she was just an outsider.
Her parents knew she was going to buy a house and said they wanted to lend her some money, but she simply refused. After two days, the mother said that she would give her 100,000, and she did not refuse or agree.
However, after a week, the mother said that the family had no money and could only give her 20,000.
She smiled and didn't say anything.
She knew very well in her heart that her mother regretted it. She is accustomed to this kind of thing, and today she feels guilty and wants to be nice to you; tomorrow, because of a provocation from someone else, she will change her mind again.
Today, she has no expectations for her parents, just as a relative.
Of course she will support her parents, but she does not provide emotional value and does not have time to take care of their parents' spiritual world. She wants to use her time and energy to love herself, her partner and children.
There was no expectation, there was no hatred, and she could understand the limitations of the people of her parents' time, the limitations of ideas, but she could not forget.
There is a saying that all love and being loved are two-way and require positive interaction.
The same is true between parents and children.
May you and I understand that no matter what kind of feelings, it is not easy to come by, and to be kind to the people around you is to be kind to yourself.
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