Source | New Oriental Homeschooling (ID:xdfjtjy)
Hello everyone, I'm Sprout Mom.
My girlfriend called me and cried that after the child entered junior high school, she suddenly felt that her son was very strange and terrible.
Every night after school, my son hid in his room playing with his mobile phone, and the homework book on his desk was blank.
I couldn't help but remind him several times, but his son was annoyed, sometimes even yelling "Don't bother me!" ”
I can't beat or scold, and now I can't even say it.
The girlfriend cried desperately and helplessly, "Why is this? ”
Because the best time to miss the psychological construction.
There are steps in the child's psychological development, and when the problem is presented, the best opportunity for correction has long been lost.
Professor Li Meijin said:
Before the age of twelve is a critical period for a child's development.
Grasp the characteristics of children's growth and give psychological care, the more relaxed the management, the more stable the child's road.
The following three stages of development, parents must control in time.
01
Before the age of 3, relationships are the foundation of parenting
There is a saying: no matter how difficult it is, you must take your child with you.
Because the lack of early emotions will cause a lifelong gap between parents and children, and will become the most difficult problem to dissolve in discipline.
Professor Li Meijin has emphasized many times:
Before the child is 3 years old, parents must personally raise and give the child positive attention and response.
When a child is born, he is fragile and lonely, he cannot move, he cannot speak, and the response of the nurturer constitutes his belief in the world.
When someone is coaxed when crying, someone is hugged when it is uncomfortable, and when they are hungry, they are immediately satisfied, so that such a stable and positive relationship will allow children to obtain the deepest sense of satisfaction and security.
This intimate emotional relationship is called "attachment" in developmental psychology.
Many times, we have the misconception that parents are born with the power to discipline their children.
But when children grow up and they turn a deaf ear to all exhortations, one fact will be revealed:
Identity is never the key to discipline, and the child's emotional attachment to his parents, this psychological gravity, is the source of his willingness to listen to the teaching.
in other words:
Attachment is the foundation of upbringing.
If parents miss the stage of building attachment and don't enter into an intimate relationship with their children, parenting can become the hardest thing in the world.
In the web drama "Rebirth", Lou Yi, played by teacher Song Chunli, was once the chief doctor and supported a public welfare school after retirement.
Lou Yi has strong professional ability, kindness and benevolence, but she has great love, but she is not a competent mother.
She devoted all her time and energy to her work, but neglected her children.
She forgot her child in kindergarten countless times;
Can't remember what day the child's birthday is;
When the child behaves abnormally, there is only verbal abuse and blame;
It wasn't until her son Fan Kai disappeared that she suddenly discovered in the process of searching that her son had already slipped into the abyss of sin.
Canadian psychologist Gordon Neufeld said:
Behind the behavioral problems, almost all of them are relationship problems.
Behind the child's escape, rebellion, and disobedience to discipline, hidden is the lack of attachment to the parents.
As a parent, when the child needs it, connect the psychological umbilical cord between the parents and the child, in order to have the power to guide the child in the long growth.
02
Before the age of 6, personality determines the ultimate success or failure
Professor Li Meijin was a guest of the "Round Table Pie" and said a sharp sentence:
"Before the age of six, the nagging and words of the parents were gold.
After the age of twelve, the words of my parents were garbage. ”
The child's problem has a lag, missing the critical period of training, and when the problem is found, the habit of only spending 1 kilogram of energy to cultivate may take 1 ton of energy to correct.
3 to 6 years old is the golden age of children's character development, at this time, helping children to establish good qualities and habits will benefit children for life.
Not long ago, Huawei announced the talented teenager candidate.
The strict screening process and enviable returns have pushed these "geniuses" to the top and accepted the scrutiny of the public.
It can be traced back to the fact that they are not talented, but more step by step, and finally slowly reach the top.
Zhang Ji, who got the highest annual salary of 2.01 million, came from a three-book college with an undergraduate degree, and surprisingly, this is his result after re-studying.
Yao Ting, who was also selected as a "genius girl", only took the 4A2B test in the middle school examination, and even did not knock on the door of the key high school.
They are obviously not the smartest, and perhaps not the hardest, but their excellent qualities are extraordinary.
Throughout their experiences, without exception, they all follow independence, planning, focus, self-discipline, etc., and these qualities support them to break through themselves and win unlimited possibilities in the future.
Good qualities and habits are not innate, their causes are in the family, and their roots are in their parents.
As the parents of children, parents should deliberately establish their children's code of conduct in parenting.
For example, being able to say "no" to children and teach children to understand and follow rules;
For example, guide children to share and take responsibility, so that children understand gratitude and responsibility;
For example, accept the child's frustrated emotions, patiently guide, and polish the child's resistance;
Before the age of six, how many words a child recognizes, how many problems he can do, and how many poems he memorizes really doesn't matter, these weak advantages will soon disappear.
Only qualities and habits will have the power through time, influencing children's behavior over the years and determining the ultimate success or failure.
03
Before the age of 12, value affects a child's positioning
There was a joke on the Internet: the score of the child's test determines the degree of harmony of the family.
As an old mother, I feel the same way.
The child's learning performance is like a hanging sharp weapon, which is stimulated from time to time and makes people's livers hurt.
What to expect is to be expected, there is one fact we will eventually face:
Children's nature and abilities are different, some children are born with the attribute of "learning to bully", while some children are scenery elsewhere.
So, even with the same effort, sometimes you can't get the same performance.
Professor Li Meijin once suggested:
Parents should identify the child's personality and help the child discover his own ability, and this sense of value will form the child's positioning of the self.
Unfortunately, there are many parents who cannot see the shining point of their children and pass on their anxiety to their children, so that they cannot breathe in the pressure.
After watching a program, the little girl likes to write novels, relying on this love, she began to write 56 books from elementary school, accumulating more than 300,000 words.
Thanks to writing novels, girls have good grades in liberal arts, and science is relatively weak.
In order to spur his daughter to go hand in hand, the father tore up the novel in a fit of rage, persistently believing that the novel was the culprit in delaying his daughter's mathematical achievements.
The most heart-wrenching thing is that the father said to his choking daughter: "Others can do it, you can do it, and Dad believes in you!" ”
There are many parents who uphold this concept, and in the comparison and competition, they force their children to find it difficult to live with themselves.
The most terrible thing is that in the continuous denial, the child will deeply plant this "no" thought in his heart and form a native inferiority complex.
In fact, why force a child to enter a track that does not belong to him.
Affirming the child's strengths and giving more positive attention will make the child feel the value and usher in his own backlight moment.
We all know that the amount of water stored in a bucket depends on the short board of the barrel.
So, we always want to spend more effort to make up for our shortcomings and shortcomings, even if we get only a moderate template.
However, if we tilt the barrel, how much water the barrel can hold will be determined by the length of its longboard.
This is the new barrel theory.
Instead of focusing on the child's shortcomings and shortcomings, it is better to encourage the child to carry forward the strengths and find the dreams and interests.
Whenever you are able to do what you love, such a child must be lucky.
Looking at the once toddler little person, suddenly becoming a child with thorns and many problems, our hearts will undoubtedly feel hurt.
But all the tricks and means can be discarded, and we will find that every behavior of the child comes from the projection of the parents' parenting.
What cause is sown, what fruit is harvested.
The initial companionship and response of life is the starting point of all upbringing;
Guidance and correction in early childhood is the foundation of behavioral habits;
The affirmation and support of youth is the prototype of the value of life.
Parenting is hard and painstaking.
But only in this way can children have indestructible strength in the face of wind and rain and temptation.