Slaps, spanking, ear twisting, spanking palms... These words, which make people feel hot and painful when they look at them, are the way parents use to discipline their children in many families. In addition to physical violence, there are many children who suffer from verbal violence and emotional "cold violence" at home. Traumatic childhood experiences can have a lasting impact on people, so much so that "some people spend their whole lives healing their childhood."
In fact, laws and regulations such as the Protection of Minors and the Anti-Domestic Violence Law clearly prohibit domestic violence against minors. When the "Family Education Promotion Law" was introduced in 2021, netizens also lamented that "parents finally have to 'hold a certificate to work'".
However, there is still a big gap between law and reality. Many people believe that disciplining children is a household affair and that parents have the right to decide how to discipline their children. Therefore, although some vicious cases of child abuse have attracted social attention, under the cultural norms of "filial piety under the stick" and "beating is kissing and scolding is love", non-violent parenting methods have still not been universally recognized.
"The last time I was hit with a wooden stick, I discounted all the sticks."
A study published in 2015 estimated that among children aged 0-17 in China, the incidence of physical abuse was 26.6%, the incidence of emotional abuse was 19.6%, the incidence of sexual abuse was 8.7%, and the incidence of neglect was 26.0%. [1] At present, there are still no national statistics on violence against children on the mainland.
In 2014, Save the Children launched a global initiative to "end corporal punishment and stigmatization against children". At the same time, we launched the "Positive Parenting" project, which focuses on corporal punishment and humiliation of children in the family.
In order to understand the current situation and reasons for child abuse in Chinese families, we conducted a literature review and interview in collaboration with Associate Professor Tong Xiaojun of the University of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. In interviews with middle and high school students, many recalled the experience of being disciplined at home, both physical and verbal and emotional:
"Before elementary school, when I was in elementary school, my mother always hit me, spanked me, or patted my back with her hands... There was a press there to hit. ”
"The last time I was hit with a wooden stick, I discounted all the sticks."
"Dad just told me to stand at the cupboard and stand for an afternoon."
"Hit with a clothes drying rod."
"My dad went to the yard and put the console on the ground and smashed it with a hammer in my hand."
"My dad would choose not to talk first. He just sat there, and he wouldn't let me go, so he let me stay there, and he didn't say anything. ”
"(Mom) treats me coldly, says little, has no words, just doesn't have any feelings of emotion."
"I'm stupid about something, like looking for something and can't find it, she takes me to look for it, and when she finds it, she will scold me and say I'm stupid, 'Is it so simple to teach?' ”
Although students still remember these experiences vividly, they often do not think of it as child abuse, but instead use "Mom and Dad are all for my own good" to explain their parents' behavior. This makes us realize that the experiences of parents and children are contradictory on the topic of hitting and scolding, and it is easy to characterize the problem of "right/wrong" and "good/bad" in theory, but in terms of emotions and relationships, it is very complicated.
Based on the research, we introduced Save the Children (Sweden) and Jon M. Thompson of the University of Manitoba, Canada. Dr. E. Durant jointly developed the "Positive Discipline" parent course manual, comprehensive reference to other books and textbooks at home and abroad, trying to develop family education training materials suitable for China's national conditions.
At this time, we define "positive parenting" as "focusing on the equal and common participation of both parents, actively creating a nurturing environment for children without physical and emotional harm and respecting their rights, and then cultivating a close and solid relationship between parents and children, and maximizing the child's potential." ”
Save the Children has developed two manuals prohibiting corporal punishment of children, for children and parents
Why do parents hit their children?
Since 2015, we have cooperated with social organizations in Guangzhou, Meishan, Kunming, Urumqi and other cities to carry out positive parenting learning groups for parents. In the group, we were exposed to a wide variety of parents and learned about the challenges they face in their families.
Some mothers said that her husband often used beatings to educate children over one year old, and traces of being hit by hangers could be seen on the children's bodies. Once, she saw the child also holding a drying rack and whipping a stool.
Some fathers said that he hoped to learn some direct and effective methods to make children obedient.
Some mothers said that they were beaten and scolded by their parents since childhood, and after marriage, they were often scolded by their husbands, and when they were uncomfortable, they often vented their anger through two children, and once even beat their children into the hospital.
In the process of communicating with parents from different regions, cultures, classes, occupations, and educational levels, I have seen the intergenerational transmission of violent discipline – many parents grow up in scolding, and when they become parents, they think that scolding is an effective way to discipline their children.
At the same time, we have also seen many parents who are "trapped": parents love their children very much, but they scold their children in the process of education. After calming down, she/he will be filled with guilt and determined to change next time. But when conflict recurs, violence cannot be used. This cycle constantly erodes the parent's confidence, and guilt, powerlessness, and self-doubt keep telling her/him that you are not a good parent.
Therefore, in the positive parent group activities, we do not first discuss their children with parents, but about the parents themselves.
In the beginning, we invite parents to share their family dreams – what kind of parent do I want to be? What do I want my children and neighbors/friends to say about me? Who is my role model when it comes to homeschooling and how does he/she do it?
Furthermore, we guide parents to see the pressures that subsistence, child rearing, etc. bring to her/him, and the impact of stress – what makes me feel stressed? How does my body react when I'm stressed, and how does my mood change? When under pressure, what do I easily say or do to others? When I am stressed, what behaviors of my child will make me prone to outbreaks? Do I treat boys and girls differently in stressful situations? Is there a difference between the way men and women treat their children under pressure?
In my opinion, a person must take good care of children and family members, and the premise is to take care of themselves first. We are not blaming parents with a straight face , "You are wrong to hit your child", but to help parents consciously observe their own stress levels, emotional changes, learn to take care of themselves, and find a suitable way to relieve their stress. Many parents tell us that when they become the masters of emotions, rather than being swayed by emotions, they can communicate with their children more calmly and rarely scold their children unconsciously or uncontrollably.
Positive parenting mentors practice nonviolent communication with each other
We don't tell parents "how to teach children is right"
Although many parents say they want guidance in raising their children, recruiting parents is not an easy task during the project. In addition to the limited time, parents' nervousness about "learning" is a more important obstacle.
In our upbringing, learning is often considered a "chore" – teachers will point out students' mistakes in class, take exams after studying, not allow plagiarism, and be criticized for not doing well. Therefore, when it comes to learning the method of family education, many parents will naturally have a fear of difficulties, afraid that they will not learn well and do wrong.
In fact, unlike regular education, homeschooling has no standard answers, but is constantly evolving based on experience. Rather than telling parents "how to teach children is the right thing to do", we prefer to work with parents to discover and summarize "what good experiences and methods I have used", and encourage everyone to refer to each other and imitate the effective, non-violent ways and methods of educating children that others have used.
In our view, not only children, but also parents need to be affirmed and encouraged. When parents see their highlight moments, she/he will become more confident, more willing to learn from other people's successful experiences, more motivated to try new methods; when encountering setbacks, it is easier to come out, discuss with people, summarize experience, and continue to try.
This leads to a new understanding of "empowerment"—not just about empowering them and the methods, but also about the confidence to use them. Based on a new understanding, we updated the definition of "positive parenting" in 2019, placing more emphasis on encouragement and recognition, improving parents' confidence and ability, making parents willing to control the behavior of beating and cursing their children, and trying non-violent parenting methods.
Many parents will say: "After learning positive parenting, I know that I can't beat my child, but when my emotions come up, I still can't control myself." At this time, we will affirm the self-awareness and reflection of parents, guide them to allow their own failures, accept their anxiety, re-establish a relationship of trust with their children, slowly turn non-violence into a habit, and realize the "International Day of No Children" advocated by "Please try it, at least today do not hit children, maybe you will find that every day after today, you do not need to beat children." We also believe that parents can honestly face setbacks and communicate with their children on the basis of respect will further affect their children, so that children can learn respect and self-reliance, and at the same time make the parent-child relationship more intimate and stable.
Li Dong is a positive parent tutor and a technical consultant of the Renshou County Heart Times Social Work Service Center. At a parent group, a father and Li Dong said that today's lesson gave him the idea of changing his child's education methods and improving his relationship with his children, and asked Li Dong to help come up with ideas. Li Dong expressed his appreciation for his idea and asked him to go home and sincerely apologize to the child for the harm he had caused to the child in the past. The father asked, "Is an apology useful?" Li Dong said: "Try it, take your time, there is no hurry." ”
At about 12 o'clock that night, the father excitedly called Li Dong and said that he had apologized to the child, and the child returned to the room and cried and waited for a while before coming out. He handed the child a carton of milk, and the child looked at his father, punched him with his fist, and then hugged the father tightly. In the memory of this father, this was the first time that the child had embraced since the child understood things.
Parents have group discussions at positive parenting group activities
Meishan has a group of grassroots mothers
From 2015 to 2021, Save the Children, in cooperation with government departments and social organizations, carried out more than 400 family protection service activities in rural areas and townships in the western regions of Sichuan, Yunnan and Guizhou, benefiting more than 40,000 parents and children. In the past six years, we have trained more than 200 positive parent mentors and child facilitators who will continue to carry out family protection services in rural areas.
In Renshou County, Meishan City, Sichuan Province, a group of mothers have become household names through positive parenting services.
Wang Jiaqiu is a primary school teacher at Wenjing Primary School in Renshou County. In 2014, she participated in the Positive Parent Mentor Training held by Save the Children in Renshou. One day, while playing with her children, she thought that she could bring several families together, children play together, and parents exchange parenting methods with each other. So she asked the child, "Do you have any children in the class who have a good time?" We can invite their family to play together. ”
In the first 5 families, the main caregivers for the children were mostly full-time mothers, single mothers, grandparents, grandparents. In the second half of 2016, the number of families grew to 10, and Wang Jiaqiu built a WeChat group, bought projections and other equipment, and organized parent-child activities in her living room every Sunday afternoon.
With the introduction of parents to each other, the number of people in the group grew to 500 within half a year. Therefore, Wang Jiaqiu and several partners together set up the "Grassroots Mothers Growth Education Association", regularly organized Thursday parent-child reading, Friday grassroots mother storytelling, Sunday parent-child play and other activities, and began long-term cooperation with the Women's Federation and civil affairs departments.
Grassroots moms tell stories every Friday, which is the most lively time in the WeChat group. Moms who have participated in positive parenting groups will share what they have learned; some mothers will share their stories of bringing their children without learning positive parenting; and some mothers will talk about the problems between themselves and their children and seek advice from friends.
At the beginning, some mothers, grandmothers, and grandmothers did not dare to speak because mandarin had a Sichuan accent, and they were worried that they would not speak well in a group of hundreds of people. Wang Jiaqiu kept comforting them: "It doesn't matter, everyone in this group respects each other, and it is safe to speak and share." If you're worried, listen to what others are saying before you say what you want to say. ”
Volunteers from the Grassroots Mothers Association will organize the stories in the group into articles and post them on the WeChat public account. For many mothers, their sharing is written into an article, which can not only play an exemplary role for their children, but also let their children see their intentions in the parent-child relationship.
Zhang Hailan, one of the volunteers, is a single mother who returned to Renshou from Chengdu with her 2-year-old daughter in 2017. In the new environment, she wants to find new friends for herself and her children, so she starts participating in grassroots moms association activities.
Zhang Hailan said that she used to be grumpy, and she had to go to work alone and take children, which was very stressful. As long as her daughter is naughty and disobedient, she can't control her emotions, often beats and scolds her daughter, and feels that this is a very normal way of parenting.
After participating in 5 positive parenting group activities, Zhang Hailan realized that she should change her attitude and approach to children. Since then, whenever the child loses her temper, she will first stand in the child's point of view and think about "Why is the daughter angry?" Is it because there is something that has not been met, something that I have not learned? Then, Zhang Hailan will guide her daughter to think from her own point of view and communicate on the basis of mutual understanding between the two sides.
Slowly, Ms. Zhang began to share with other parents the changes positive parenting had brought to herself and her daughter, drawing them to grassroots moms association activities, and she herself had turned from a participant to a volunteer. "I have organized many offline activities with the grassroots mom team, and many parents and children in the county have participated in our activities. Sometimes when I go out shopping and buy vegetables, I may meet parents and children who know me, and they greet me when they are far away, and I feel very happy and proud. In an interview, Zhang Hailan shared with us her sense of accomplishment as a volunteer.
Now, the positive upbringing activities and the stories of grassroots mothers have been promoted for a long time on Renshou County's official publicity platform "Damei Renshou". The sound of grassroots mothers and children reading stories together also spread throughout Renshou County People's Radio.
Grassroots moms come together to share their experiences in parenting
How can migrant parents better "be together" with their children?
In the western countryside, we came into contact with many left-behind children who, although rarely scolded, generally lacked the company and support of their parents. When talking about family education, the parents who go out to work can only say helplessly: "How do I teach her/him, I go home once or twice a year." ”
Although most parents will call and video with their children as much as possible, because they do not know how to communicate, they can only ask "how are the recent grades" and "whether the food is good", and over time, the children are not willing to talk to the parents. After the outbreak of the new crown pneumonia epidemic, due to the epidemic prevention and control measures such as lockdowns and traffic control, it is more difficult for parents to return to their hometowns, and they will see less with their children.
In addition to left-behind children, some children have moved to the city with their parents. According to statistics from the Ministry of Education, the number of children who moved with them during compulsory education reached 14.297 million in 2020[2], accounting for 52.58% of the children of the floating population[3].
The COVID-19 pandemic has also created greater challenges for these families. The epidemic has made parents of migrant workers face greater financial pressure, increased mental pressure, and increased the likelihood of scolding their children. When isolated at home, parents and children have to get along for a long time in a limited space, which is more likely to produce contradictions and conflicts. In the context of increased risk, the ability of communities to identify and intervene in domestic violence has weakened.
According to the National Bureau of Statistics, in 2020, there were about 286 million migrant workers on the mainland, of whom 79.9% were spouses[4]. Therefore, in 2022, we will move from the countryside to the city, enter the "urban village" where the floating population is the mainstay, and try to cooperate with enterprises that employ a large number of migrant workers to make positive correctional services enter the families of the floating population.
We hope to increase the importance that migrant parents attach to the parent-child relationship, and encourage them to pay attention to the emotional connection between their families in addition to working hard to earn money to support their families. In fact, many parents do not deliberately fail to pay attention to parent-child relationships, but are limited by "time poverty" - working long hours every day, rarely spending time with their children, and it is more difficult to take time to learn the methods of family education.
Therefore, we have reorganized the core information points of positive parenting, combined with the topics that migrant parents are most interested in in family education, designed into 1.5 hours of online and offline lectures, and developed learning materials such as short videos, in order to cover as many migrant parents as possible, provide them with basic and effective knowledge and skills, and attract some of them to participate in longer-term workshops. For the workshop, we also set up three different courses of different lengths of 6 hours, 12 hours and 20 hours to explore the most suitable learning mode for parents of migrant workers.
If parents only have one day a week, or only one hour a day, to get along with their children and call their children, then in a short period of time, providing high-quality companionship to their children may be exactly what migrant families need.
Parents and children participate in positive parenting activities together
Citations:
[1]
XFang,DAFry,KJi,DFinkelhor,JChen,&PLannen等. (2015). Theburdenofchildmaltreatmentinchina:asystematicreview. BulletinoftheWorldHealthOrganization.
Author and Institution Profile:
Haoyin Feng is the Family Protection Project Manager of Save the Children. Since 2007, he has been advocating for the rights and protection of children in the family. He is currently the core tutor of Save the Children's Positive Parenting Education and the Positive Disciplinary Certification Tutor of Save the Children (Sweden). In the past eight years, he has led the team to develop a series of training courses related to positive parenting, children's rights and health education, and cooperated with government departments and social organizations to carry out more than 430 family protection service activities in Guangdong, Sichuan, Yunnan, Xinjiang and other places, serving more than 43,000 parents and children.
Save the Children is the world's leading, independent children's charitable organisation, founded in the United Kingdom in 1919. Since the 1980s, Save the Children has been in China and has begun projects in Anhui, Yunnan and Tibet. In 2017, in accordance with the Law on the Administration of Foreign NGOs' Domestic Activities, it was registered as the representative office of foreign NGOs, Save the Children International (UK), beijing, to carry out child welfare and protection, disaster relief, education, health, children's rights and interests and other projects in China in accordance with the law. At present, the project has been implemented in 12 provinces, autonomous regions and municipalities directly under the Central Government in China. Our vision is that all children have the right to live, to health, to be educated, to be protected and to participate in the world.
(Guo Yueping also contributed to this article)
Feng Haoyin