Author: Slow Heat Hi (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
I know that there is a problem: my childhood parents intentionally let me suffer a lot of setbacks, not only did not become stronger, but found that my psychological endurance is very weak, is it normal?
One of them replied that the psychological endurance of children when they grow up is often positively related to their own successful experience.
At present, many parents feel that the child's growth environment is too smooth, not a good thing, so they always take pains to let the child experience some setbacks and try to cultivate the child's willpower.
However, artificial setbacks are not tempering for children, but torture.
The core of setback education is not how many setbacks children experience, but how to teach children how to see and face setbacks.
The real education of frustration should be based on the sense of security, not through the creation of pain to educate.
Only when they get enough warmth can the child withstand the cold
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng once compared frustration education like this:
The winter temperature in Wuhan is around zero degrees, and in the absence of heating, it feels cold to the bone marrow.
In harbin in the north, the temperature is often tens of degrees below zero, and it is much more comfortable to spend the winter there than in Wuhan, because there is heating in the house.
The heating allows the body to reserve enough warmth so that the body can withstand the invasion of the cold.
On a physical level, only when enough warmth is stored can our bodies withstand the onslaught of severe cold.
The same is true for the mind, which can only withstand setbacks, colds and hurts if it is nourished with a lot of satisfaction, warmth, and happiness.
Love is the best education, it is the source of strength for children's resilience.
Basketball superstar Kobe Bryant once said in an interview:
"When I was around 10, I played basketball for a summer and didn't get a single point, I cried about it, my dad gave me a hug and he said ' Whether it's your 0 or 60, I love you no matter what.'"
Bryant admits that this sentence was the most important sentence for himself, who was a child at the time. It was the hugs and comforts given by his father that gave him the courage and confidence to face difficulties.
To some extent, Kobe Bryant's later achievements are inseparable from the encouragement given by his parents in times of adversity.
A child must be convinced that he or she has the confidence of being unconditionally loved by his parents at any time in order to gain courage and strength from it.
When he encounters setbacks and is at a low point, there may be a force to avoid collapse.
Only a heart that is warm enough to withstand the cold wind and nourished by love can dwell in light, beauty and hope.
Additional and additional frustration is a kind of damage
In the TV series "Female Psychologist", the girl Jiang Jing has suffered many additional setbacks since she was a child.
Her mother was very strong, and Jiang Jing had high hopes as soon as she was born.
From the age of five, her mother asked her to practice and start ten hours a day.
There is no rest on weekends, and likewise, there are no winter or summer vacations. If you don't practice well, you won't let you eat, and if you practice well, you won't have encouragement and praise, even if you practice until your fingers bleed, you don't have a word of concern and comfort, and you even have to openly hit her in front of the guests.
Under the high-pressure indoctrination of her mother, Jiang Jing has never felt recognized since she was a child, nor has she enjoyed the space of herself, and her entire childhood has been filled with her mother's advice and accusations.
When she grew up, Jiang Jing ostensibly became someone else's child, but in the corner that no one saw, she developed into a bulimia nervosa.
How many parents are the same as Jiang Jing's mother: afraid that the child is not motivated, afraid of the child's pride, so do not encourage and do not praise, always try to meet the child as little as possible, can not ask for what to give, really want to give, also need to agree to some conditions.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said:
The child's frustration education is not unnecessary, but can not be extra and additional, otherwise it will evolve into harm.
Let the child be frustrated and degraded in the relationship, so that he cannot easily get what he wants, so that he feels that he is not good enough, not free, and not worthy of recognition.
Such a frustrated education will only make the child suffer, and in this environment for a long time, the child will internalize the parents' evaluation and thus self-deny and attack themselves.
Even if you achieve great results in the eyes of outsiders, you will feel that you are useless, and a deep sense of powerlessness and frustration will arise in your heart.
Children have no energy and hope in their hearts, and they are most likely to collapse
South Korean writer Lee Yoo-nam once shared a story about himself and his son in "Mother's Repentance":
My son suddenly told her one day: I have never felt a sense of accomplishment in my life until now.
You should know that his son has served as the president and vice president of the whole school, participated in various competitions and won countless awards, or the top three in the school.
Such a child even said that he had never felt a sense of accomplishment. Reflecting on the way she and her children used to get along, she found that the reason why her son had become like this was actually in herself.
My son once came back with the first place in the school and told her loudly: Mom, I got the first place!
She didn't give the child a nod, just said: Be quiet, bring over last month's report card.
After comparing the two transcripts, they will frown and say:
"Language has improved, but how has mathematics regressed?" Do you know how expensive the cram school you signed up for is? Your grades like this are in the elite schools, and you can't even rank in the middle. ”
She always said such things to frustrate the child's vigor.
She never asked the child what he wanted to learn, only to know that the math score regressed and sent to the math cram school, the need for art assessment scores, send the child to the art cram class, as long as the piano has a foundation, then send it to the piano cram class...
In this way, the children are sent to the cram school they think of one by one.
However, as a result of having children learn piano, not only money and time are spent, but even the relationship with parents is consumed.
Not just piano, but other cram schools that children are forced to go to, and to this day, none of the talents are really well learned.
After being hit and forced by the mother for a long time, will the child become more and more motivated and more and more perfect?
No, the child told her, "It feels like I'm going crazy." ”
Psychologist Fairbairn said that when children are treated badly by their parents, they tend to think that they are bad in order to maintain the intention that their parents are good.
Why is that?
Because children do not have the opportunity to learn to think independently from an early age, choose what they want, and cultivate the ability to act independently.
What they do is not what they want to do, and what their parents want them to do is not recognized, supported and praised, so they accumulate pressure, let alone get a sense of accomplishment from it.
There are data showing that 30.4% of Peking University's first-year freshmen, including undergraduate and graduate students, hate learning or think that learning is meaningless.
Another 40.4% of students believe that life is meaningless, that I am living now only according to the logic of others, and the most extreme of them is to give up on myself.
These "life winners" in the eyes of others will not feel the meaning of life and the motivation to live, and even cannot find themselves, suffering from what people often call "hollow heart disease".
The real frustration education is to stand with the child
Recently, UNICEF released this year's State of the World's Children report, which for the first time focuses on the mental health of children and adolescents.
It published a shocking set of figures:
Every year, nearly 46,000 adolescents around the world end their lives. That's equivalent to every 11 minutes, a teenager dies by suicide;
Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among adolescents aged 15-19 years (after road injuries, tuberculosis and interpersonal violence).
Whenever you see these data and related reports, there will always be such a voice around you:
Today's children are too squeamish to be raised, they can't scold, they jump off the building if they don't go well, they can't bear the pressure and can't bear the setbacks, they are all too good to live.
Is this really the case?
As parents, we are worried that the child's psychology is too fragile, can not withstand the wind and waves, become glass heart, can not afford to lose, so most parents choose to create artificial setbacks, hoping to use "frustration education" to help children cultivate a strong heart from an early age.
What we can ignore is that the child's strength to fight setbacks can only be given by the family.
This confidence does not come from denial and frustration, but from the affirmation and empathy of parents who are not stingy.
This confidence, in the ordinary ordinary successful experience: success in eating by yourself, success in brushing their own teeth, success in cleaning up toys by themselves...
People must grow up in order to accumulate strength in childhood in order to have the strength to fight more pressure in the future.
A child, only after experiencing success, can have the confidence and strength to face the unknown difficulties.
Encourage everyone.
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