The Intensive Jun General Dictionary has been launched with 1880/2000 entries
Today is the 3128th day of intensive reading to accompany you throughout your lifelong growth
01
"Women over 30 are like suburban houses, and men won't buy them if they have money."
Many years ago, Guo Yingguang, a 34-year-old returnee, received such an evaluation in the Shanghai People's Park, a famous blind date in the country.
Guo Yingguang saw that these parents, who were anxious about their children's marriage, became interested in the blind date corner, so he decided to do an experiential survey.
She wrote herself a blind date advertisement, and wrote some information that she thought she could evaluate herself and that she was satisfied with.
For several weeks in a row, she went to People's Park every day to hold up advertisements for her blind date, and recorded the real reactions of the parents of the blind date corner.
Guo Yingguang went to that station, and immediately a large number of people surrounded him.
But when the uncles and aunts heard that she was 83 years old, their reaction was, "So big, you are in trouble with this situation."
There was even an aunt who asked about her age, said "Oh, the courage is commendable", and then turned around and left.
An uncle felt that she should not have read that high education:
"You see she's got a master's degree, it's no use. Girls don't read too many books, it's good to read college or undergraduate.
Marrying out, marrying and having a child, is also very stable, how good.
After reading a lot of books and delaying myself, it is difficult to match now, quite difficult to match! ”
Another uncle described her:
"Here, the man is the bank card, you have money, you can buy a house, so the woman is the property."
You see her, she looks okay, and she has never been married, this room type is OK. But she was older, so she had this house in the suburbs. ”
Everyone just cares about how old she is.
Although Guo Yingguang was mentally prepared, the response she received exceeded her expectations.
In the end, even she herself began to doubt, only in her early 30s, has she depreciated to this extent in the marriage market?
02
In the TV series "Rational Life", there happens to be a 30+ unmarried woman Shen Ruoxin.
Shen Ruoxin works for a large automobile company, and as the manager of the legal department, her business ability is impeccable.
Shen Ruoxin, 33 years old, is naturally urged to marry by his parents.
Mom told her: If you are twenty-three years old now, just graduated from college, you want to pick this today, tomorrow you want to choose that...
But you are now thirty-three years old, where is your wayward capital?
Shen's mother has always hoped that her daughter will marry her boyfriend as soon as possible, but Shen Ruoxin found that after a period of time together, the two people could not go to the end.
In this regard, Shen's mother believes: "You are just doing, isn't getting married just to live a life?" ”
Even her boyfriend told her to give up her fantasies and that it was good that he was willing to marry her:
"When you go to a marriage agency at your age, you are rejected."
People around her were telling her that the boss was not small, and there was no shop in this village.
But Shen Ruoxin finally chose to break up with her boyfriend and live the life she wanted to live.
Just like the 34-year-old returnee school bully, many netizens said that they saw their own shadow in Shen Ruoxin.
Indoctrinated with age anxiety and gender dysphoria, struggle and choice in this.
But in Shen Ruoxin, we can see the way to get along with the pressure given by society and with ourselves.
She also tells us in a way that it takes courage to go your own way and live your own life, and how wonderful it is when you really construct your own life for yourself.
03
In the traditional sense, "get married and have children", and only when you get married can you have children.
But if you don't have a suitable partner to form a family and want to raise children, should you either get married or not have children, and compromise one of the two options?
A single female model did both.
Li Xueke, now 33 years old, went to Thailand 4 years ago and became the mother of 3 mixed-race children through test tubes and children, and has been living alone with 3 children ever since.
Li Xueke had to work in addition to taking the baby, and there was no way to take care of the three children alone, so she invited three aunts to take care of the children together.
She has always been committed to giving her children the best, saying that she spends 100,000 yuan a month to raise a baby, and the cost of kindergarten alone has reached millions.
She once calculated that if she couldn't make money now, then the money she had saved now had enough money to raise her children to adulthood.
When Li Xueke was born more than a month ago, his father had an affair.
When she was more than three years old, her parents divorced. When she was still young, she once cried alone in kindergarten, and when she saw her mother, she said, "Mom, you and Dad remarried." ”
Mother's answer was naturally no.
When she was in the fourth grade of elementary school, Li Xueke was with her father for more than a year, and she said that there were more unhappy things in her memory at that time.
Gradually, she never felt the concern from her father, and she no longer had illusions about his father's love.
The experience of the original family made her feel that "Dad is dispensable." ”
When she grew up, her emotional experience also made her expectations of marriage disappear.
In a recent relationship, she was eager to stay together for 24 hours, and her extremely controlling lover overwhelmed her.
In the end, she chose to flee and also refused marriage.
Li Xueke tried to prove that it is not necessary to have a father and a mother to be a complete family, and she can give her children a full sense of love and security.
Whether to marry or not to have children is a personal choice.
As long as you believe that you have the ability to take responsibility and take responsibility, then no matter what choices you make, it will be the best for yourself.
I think everyone should focus on themselves and recognize their own needs in their lives.
This has nothing to do with external standards, let alone the evaluation of others.
After all, life is only once, and we have to live for ourselves.
So, what do we need to do in this "wayward" pursuit of self?
04
Avoid the illusion of truth and form a fixed opinion
The "Warring States Strategy, Qin Ce" records the story of "zeng participating in the killing".
Once upon a time, Zengzi lived in Fei County, where a man with the same surname as Zengzi killed someone. Someone told his great-mother, "I was involved in murder." ”
The great-mother said, "My son doesn't kill. "Still weaving freely. After a while, someone came up and said, "I have participated in the murder." "My great-mother still weaves freely. Soon a man told her, "I was involved in murder." The great-mother was finally frightened, and left the shuttle to escape over the wall.
The rumor of Zengzi's murder, or a colorful lie, was not initially believed by Zengmu. But the three became tigers, and after many people repeated the emphasis, the great-mother believed it to be true and ran over the wall.
This is the illusion of truth, which tells us that even a lie, repeated many times, is easy to believe.
Boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, Shen Ruoxin has been indoctrinated by the people around him that "girls are going to get married quickly".
Under the frequent bombardment of people around them, presumably many people will waver and begin to wonder whether their persistence is wrong.
But Shen Ruoxin did not, she had her own values.
The company came to appreciate her boss, and gradually became fond of her at work.
Her boss took her to buy a house, and in the face of a house of tens of millions, others told her that she could easily own a mansion with her boss.
But she said: "All the gifts of fate are secretly marked with prices." ”
She is fully determined in the life she aspires to and soberly understands what she wants.
Therefore, only when stable values and stereotypes are formed, it is not easy to go with the flow and strengthen their ideas.
Expand the space of possibilities and cope with the social clock
Possibility space refers to the space formed by the collection of various possibilities.
For example, the whereabouts of a lost person will form a huge space of possibilities.
Assuming that each road has two forks, and each fork has two forks, then the number of possible routes, as the number of forks increases, forms an equal ratio series of ratios with a common ratio of 2: 1, 2, 4, 8, 16... This is an exponential growth, and the possibilities will be very large.
The Russian writer Leo Tolstoy made a point in his novel Anna Karenina:
Happy families are all similar, and unhappy families have their own misfortunes.
We can also understand this sentence in terms of space of possibilities.
Observing happy families, couples working together will narrow down the possibilities to acceptance, effective mitigation, smooth transition, non-emergence, and agreement.
Unfortunate families, as long as one item cannot be unified, may lead to family misfortune.
Happy families are all similar, and unhappy families have their own misfortunes. Because among so many possibilities, the possibility of happiness is relatively small, and the possibility of unhappiness is relatively large.
If both husband and wife understand the space of possibility, it is easier to form a consensus, and the probability of running a happy family will be higher.
And for our personal life choices, we can expand the space of possibilities.
As a woman in her 30s, Shen Ruoxin seems to have become the most urgent thing for her at the moment.
But why do you have to get married for the sake of getting married?
Life has diversity, and if you follow the social clock at a glance, it is equivalent to shrinking the rich possibilities of life into a single possibility, which will not bring happiness.
Whether a person goes out and turns left or right, there are two possibilities; each possibility is followed by more branches, so that there are infinite.
Such a rich and endless possibility, if it is only solidified into one possibility, it is a waste of life.
When we hear various "should" points of view, remind ourselves:
Is there only one possibility, and no other possibility?
Maintain a growth mindset and pursue a growth leap
In the eyes of people with a growth mindset, effort can make us smarter or better at something, and effort can inspire our abilities and achieve ourselves.
Therefore, we don't have to be good at something right away. In fact, doing things that we're not good at is more fun, because by doing things like this, we can expand our comfort zone and learn from it.
People with a growth mentality, adhering to the principle of "planning in people, success in the sky", on the one hand, follow the results-oriented, use results to guide the direction of progress, on the other hand, pay attention to the process, even if they fail, as long as they can learn and gain, they can maintain the fighting spirit of repeated defeats and battles, and strive to improve a little bit every time.
Shen Ruoxin is such a person.
She had worked in the legal department, but because of internal struggles, she was demoted to the administrative department to do miscellaneous work.
But she was not discouraged, in the time of the administrative department, the director came to her for big things and small things, and she could do them one by one.
Later, the new boss let her come to the department that needed to understand the new energy vehicle and work more professionally, and she was still able to get started in a short period of time, forming an energy level transition and becoming the right-hand man of the new boss.
If a person has not experienced a cognitive transition, a jump in ability, but only with age, seniority and position have risen a little, and the old experience has been used skillfully, then there will be no change in vision and pattern.
In other words, there is no growth transition and it is still at a low energy level.
Although Shen Ruoxin in the workplace is full of difficulties, she can still broaden her field again and again and move forward step by step.
Zheng Xinyi has a song called "Goddess", which sings: He is only a very small stage, you deserve to be full of love.
When each of us can be excellent in our field and have the ability to let ourselves live the life we like.
Well, I think this is probably our "wayward cost".
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