Thanks for this romantic encounter
What you are not aware of becomes your "destiny"
22.04.25 10:00PM Miss you.
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Have you realized that most of the troubles in our lives are related to other people?
You want your child to read well, but he always worries you;
You want your parents to respect your ideas, but they always point fingers at you;
You long for your partner to accompany you to share the housework for you, but he always throws his hands in charge...
Of all relationships, family is the most tiring and complex.
Why do we always struggle with family relationships?
The reason for this is that there are two of the most fatal psychological misunderstandings.
01.
It was you who chose to make him do this to you
Psychology god Li Songwei once shared a case:
He had a friend who wanted to hire a babysitter, but his mother stopped him every time.
On the surface, the mother is very strong and has a strong desire for control over the family, and this friend has no choice. But is that really the case?
If she really wants to hire a babysitter, she can say to her mother, "I have decided, I will go to the babysitter tomorrow." ”
But she didn't do it, and the underlying reason was actually that her friend had authorized her mom and was waiting for her to say no.
In relationships, the logic behind this "empowerment" is: I give you the initiative in the relationship, and I agree to be controlled by you, influenced by you, and controlled by you.
In the same way, when you encounter unreasonable treatment in the relationship, you do not resist, swallow your anger, in fact, you are authorizing the other party to hurt you, you are conniving at this bad relationship model.
This is the first psychological myth in family relationships: "I authorize it to be controlled by you, but I don't know it."
The formation of a relationship is the result of the interaction between the two parties, remember, you are not passive, you always have the initiative, you can take back the power handed over.
02.
He wants something different from you, and then what?
In the family, disputes between husband and wife are mostly due to too many presuppositions and imaginations about their partners:
"He should communicate with me."
"She should support my cause."
"He should be involved with me in the education of his children..."
We can always find reasons to justify this imposition: "This is for us to have a better future", "this is to prove that Ta loves me"...
Of course, this kind of imposition does not only occur between husband and wife, but also exists in the parent-child relationship, parents can force their children to listen to their own words, sometimes without even a reason, directly saying "I am your parent, so you have to listen to me" .
And this is the second psychological misunderstanding in family relationships: "I must control you."
There is no good or bad right or wrong in the relationship, and it is difficult for us to accept that the other person and we think differently and do not do what we say, not because they are stupid or bad, but because they are also an independent individual: "We want different things."
It makes us feel anxious about getting out of control, and the more times like this, the more you need to ask yourself, "Yeah, he's just not what I thought, and then, then what am I going to do?" ”
When you start thinking about "what to do", you can get rid of the obsession of "how should he be".
And when you let go of the desire to control each other, the relationship can form a two-way flow, and achieve a win-win situation in your back-and-forth game.
03.
How to use the relational perspective,
Get your parents, partner, and kids?
The psychological misunderstandings in these 2 family relationships make most families either fall apart or bind each other and go to suffocation.
The key to breaking the game depends on whether you can "see the problem from the perspective of relationship", and the mental method is: change "control" to "get along".
Take one of the most common small things in the family, such as "let your partner wash the dishes", as an example:
"You go wash the dishes!" Today it's time for you to wash the dishes, you have to wash the dishes. ”
This is trying to control
"If you don't wash the dishes, I won't cook the next meal."
It's closer to getting along
What's the difference?
The first argument is coercion, which imposes an "absolutist requirement": you have to wash the dishes. Once the other person does not do what they say, they will be very angry.
The second argument is to threaten the other person, but it is closer to the "way of getting along": you may not do what I say, then I will choose to retaliate against you, you do not work, I do not do.
If you don't want to threaten the other person, you can also make a deal with him: "You go to wash the dishes, and I will play games with you at night".
You can even be cute, you can seduce him, you can even beg him.
If he really doesn't want to wash the dishes, he will also throw and roll, then you can also go to wash, wash this time you say OK, let's buy a dishwasher, or we will call takeout in the future, because no one is too lazy to wash the dishes...
That's the mindset of getting along.
This mindset works in any family relationship, whether it's for parents, partners, or children, or even extends to any relationship.
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Article | One Psychology (ID: yixinligongkaike)
Image | Internet
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