Psychologist Wu Zhihong wrote in the best-selling book "Why Home Hurts": When getting married, the standard for making choices is not passion, not love and love, but often a sense of security, not only when elders make choices for their children, but also when young people make their own choices.
Therefore, whether it is a man or a woman, when choosing a mate, they will consider each other's economic factors, personality and even learning, ideological level, etc., and strive to find a person who is not better than his own comprehensive conditions, but not much worse.
Some people may feel that talking about money hurts feelings, once it involves interests, love is no longer pure, but marriage must not only look at love, but also depend on whether it is suitable. If two people are not suitable, even if there is love, it will not blossom. If love disappears and the marriage is fragmented, no matter how bitter the husband and wife are, it is even more bitter for the children.
In addition to the economic situation, personality, personal ability and three views, there is another point that can never be ignored when choosing a mate, that is, the original family.
Girl, please note that even if you have your own house after marriage and do not live with your in-laws, it does not mean that your in-laws will not affect your marriage.
As lu qi, an emotional expert, said: "When you marry, you are not married to a certain person, but to all the social relations of this person." So what kind of family you marry, what kind of marriage will you have. ”
When choosing a mate, we must look at the original family, especially the girls, if you find some signs of wrong, such as the in-laws have the idea of preferring sons to daughters, don't hesitate, you can't afford to hide.
"Mom, I'm sorry, I'm probably going to humiliate you, the wedding reception is going to be canceled." Hearing her daughter Zhu Lin's words, Aunt Pan felt that something was wrong, afraid that her daughter had been hit, and felt comforted to her daughter.
"Shame is a small thing, your happiness is a big thing, cancel it, and my daughter can't marry out." What the hell is going on? Tell mom, and mom will judge you. ”
Comforted by her mother, Zhu Lin told everyone the reason why she decided to cancel the marriage.
01. I heard that my boyfriend had a sister, and my cousin reminded me to pay attention to his original family, I didn't care at the time;
Zhu Lin's fiancé, named Lin You, is a year older than her, and the two fell in love two years ago, passed the pass of both parents two months ago, and set the wedding date, which will be held on May Day.
Lin You graduated from a college, worked in the provincial city, and earned a monthly salary of 8,000, which was about 1,000 higher than Zhu Lin, and his economic strength was quite OK.
In terms of family situation, Lin You was much worse than Zhu Lin. Lin You's parents are both migrant workers, and when their son was only 3 years old, he went out to work, paid a pension, and had basic security after he got old. Zhu Lin's father is a cook, her mother is a teacher, her job is stable, and after retirement, her pension is much higher than that of Lin You's parents.
"I don't know much about his family situation, I only know that his parents are working outside the home, he has an older sister, two years older than him, not yet married, the other he did not say, I did not ask, afraid that he would be angry."
Compared with Zhu Lin's parents, Zhu Lin's cousin knew about her cousin's relationship earlier. After learning that her cousin's boyfriend had a sister, her cousin reminded Zhu Lin of something.
"My husband's uncles and aunts, who are heavily patriarchal, exploit their daughters for their sons, use their daughters' marriage as their sons' cash machines, ask for a 200,000 bride price, and marry their sons. As a result, his daughter-in-law also gave birth to a daughter, and this time, the old two were annoyed, and every day they quarreled at their son's house, telling their daughter-in-law that either one more would be guaranteed to be a grandson, or they would take the pieces of the handmaiden to get out of the egg. Their son is also not a thing, on the side of his parents, putting pressure on his wife. You say, who can guarantee that you will have a son? I can't blame women for this! Isn't that? In the end, they divorced. ”
The cousin reminded Zhu Lin that although she could not kill all the boys with sisters with a stick, she could not fail to pay attention to the point, so that Zhu Lin must find out whether her boyfriend's family had the idea of preferring sons to daughters.
However, Zhu Lin was patronizing and falling in love at that time, and she did not have a clear understanding of marriage, and did not take her cousin's reminder seriously.
02. My boyfriend's sister called me and questioned me, and I almost became the murderer of his sister;
It wasn't until someone found Zhu Lin some time ago that Zhu Lin knew that her cousin's concerns were not empty, and she almost met the original family like her cousin's cousin.
The person looking for Zhu Lin was none other than Lin You's sister. Lin You's sister faced her future sister-in-law unceremoniously, and opened her mouth to ask them why they forced her to die, which made Zhu Lin inexplicable.
"I invited his sister to a café and comforted her over coffee and told me the truth."
"Even if you tell my parents and my brother about our conversation, even if you leave my brother because of it, and my parents scold me for ruining my brother's happiness, I don't care." They don't care if I live or die, ruin my happiness, then blame me for not filial piety. ”
Lin You's sister cried while complaining to Zhu Lin about her parents' preference for sons and daughters.
First of all, 12 years ago, Lin You's sister had very good grades and was very hopeful of entering the university, but her parents locked her up at home, ruined her chances of taking the college entrance examination, and forced her to give up her studies and go out to work.
Secondly, she worked outside the home for 12 years, her salary rose from one or two thousand to seven or eight thousand today, rebelled countless times, moved several times, her parents refused to let her go, and she has always asked for money.
"I make 7,000 a month, they want 5,000, isn't that not letting me live?" How do I pay my rent? How to buy daily necessities? ”
Finally, the reason why Lin You's sister has not yet married when she is 30 years old is because she hates her parents and is unwilling to let her marriage become the weight of her brother's wife.
"My parents asked me to introduce me to the object, one does not look at the character, the second does not look at the family situation, and does not care whether the family has ever been married, why divorce, only look at how much dowry money is given."
Hearing her fiancé's sister's accusations, Zhu Lin felt incredible, after all, she was an only child, the pearl in the palm of her parents, and she never dreamed that there were parents who treated their daughters like this under the heavens.
03. If I marry a patriarchal family, if I can't give birth to a son, won't I be miserable?
The last straw that crushed Lin You's sister was Lin You's marriage to Zhu Lin.
"You married my brother, asked for an 80,000 bride price, and bought a house in the provincial city, right?"
Zhu Lin nodded, in her opinion, her request was not excessive. However, Lin You's parents obviously had savings in their hands, but they refused to take them out and started their daughter's idea.
"My mother told me that she was sick, I believed it, ran back to see her, she was fine, turned over my bag and took away the bank card and ID card, forced me to say the password, handed over all the money, married my brother, said that fat water does not flow to outsiders, rather than let me take it away to the future in-laws, it is better to give it to my brother."
Not only did his parents force his daughter so much, but Lin You also unceremoniously asked his sister to hand over all his savings, telling his sister that he needed 300,000 yuan to get married, and if his sister's savings were not enough, he would borrow money and then be responsible for repayment.
Therefore, she not only resented her parents, but also resented Zhu Lin, and tried her best to get Zhu Lin's contact information and come to Find Zhu Lin's trouble.
Knowing what happened to her fiancé's sister, Zhu Lin broke out in a cold sweat: "I don't dare to marry, I am afraid of having a daughter, I can imagine what kind of fate I will have if I give birth to a daughter, and how pitiful my daughter will be." ”
Listening to Zhu Lin's words, Aunt Pan understood what had happened and raised her hands in favor of her daughter's cancellation of the marriage. Lin You did not spare and asked Zhu Lin the reason for breaking up, and Zhu Lin made up her mind to block him.
However, Zhu Lin had a question: "Is it possible that men's parents prefer sons to daughters, and men do not value sons over daughters, and will protect their wives and daughters?" ”
04. Woman, you are not a god, don't think about changing the thoughts of others that have been heard for more than twenty years, or change yourself!
This possibility does exist, some men have received advanced ideological education, will be sensible, do not prefer sons to daughters, but I want to say, women, you better not bet on your marriage, to challenge human nature.
Baby Anne said: "Don't easily challenge human nature, human nature can not stand the test, it needs to be preserved and covered, if you go straight in, it will be full of flaws." ”
If you lose the challenge, and when you have a daughter, you find that he also has a patriarchal mentality, or even if he does not, but it is his parents, can he really firmly rebel against the parents who gave birth to him, and have been protecting you for decades and are committed to you?
At that time, not only will you be wronged and feel very painful, but your daughter will also be treated unfairly. Having a patriarchal family of origin is the greatest pain in a girl's life.
Woman, you are not a god, don't think about changing the thinking of others for more than twenty years, or change yourself! Remember, don't marry haphazardly, don't bet on marriage, even if you are responsible for yourself, you are responsible for your children.
END.
Today's topic: Do you think Lin You has a patriarchal mentality? Feel free to share your views in the comments section.