5 years of marriage was as sweet as ever, until I ordered a takeaway on my husband's phone

Author: Zhang Huishan (Psychological Counselor) Editor: Jia Fangfang Source: Marriage and Family Magazine ID: hunyinyujiating99

01

Flash marriage, naked marriage, seemingly happy marriage

At the age of 18, his first love and Liu Ting disappeared after breaking up. This hit her hard, and pain and loneliness kept coming. To ward off these negative emotions, she began adding stranger chats to social networking apps. It was at that time that she met her husband Xiaoye.

After only a week of acquaintance, Xiaoye said to Liu Ting, "Come to my side." "Without thinking too much, Liu Ting immediately quit her job in Henan and bought a train ticket to Guangzhou, just for a man she had never met." The first time we met, I hated him, and he was particularly shabby. Liu Ting did not leave, because Xiaoye helped her take her luggage bag that day and handed her a bottle of water. He was good to himself, and because of that alone, she could put up with everything.

In this way, Liu Ting began to communicate with Xiaoye. 3 months later, she married naked.

Married for 5 years, Xiaoye works to earn money to support the family, but also responsible for taking care of children, doing housework, Liu Ting only needs to enjoy Xiaoye's various kindnesses to her: she is afraid of the dark, every night when she goes to the toilet, he will accompany her; he will buy back whatever she wants to eat; the salary card is handed in, he does not keep a penny of private money; no matter how she is, he never loses his temper... Xiaoye spoiled Liu Ting like a princess, Liu Ting was very happy, and the people around her were also envious.

It sounds like a very good marriage. However, a WeChat message blew all sweetness and happiness to pieces.

That day, Liu Ting's mobile phone ran out of battery, and she wanted to use Xiaoye's mobile phone to order takeaway, but suddenly a new message popped up: "Husband, I miss you." Liu Ting's whole person was blindfolded: her husband who spoiled herself in every way actually cheated!

Liu Ting couldn't imagine that Xiaoye would cheat, because she had always felt that whoever cheated, Xiaoye wouldn't. In her eyes, Xiaoye is short, poor, fat, ugly, and has poor ability, in addition to coaxing herself and doing housework, it is useless, how can there be a woman who looks up to him?

However, there are really women who look up to him.

Liu Ting had lost her soul for a long time, and she really couldn't get out, so she ran to me.

02

Wife: The girl who is not loved

In the counseling room, what I saw was an unbalanced relationship.

Why should people fall in love? Intimacy, it is written that one of the important reasons is from your inner needs. The so-called search for true love is actually the pursuit of unmet needs in childhood. As children, we always pursue two things: a sense of belonging and the importance of affirming ourselves.

Let's first look at my wife, Liu Ting.

Liu Ting has a habit of suppressing and mocking her mother, and in her words, her mother can belittle her in 180 different ways. In her memory, her mother was always unhappy, and all her unhappiness was because of her: if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have to suffer in this house; you, like your father, came to torment me...

Liu Ting did not get any positive emotions from her mother. "Once, my aunt gave me a new dress, and I was very happy, standing in front of the mirror and twisting and turning. When my mother saw it, she only said one word to me - people are ugly and weird. The shame of that moment, I still remember. ”

Children are loyal to their parents, they can't tell the truth of the matter, but they are convinced of their parents' point of view, and they can easily live as they are in their parents' eyes. Liu Ting was very disgusted with her mother's blow, but she grew into a bad one in her mother's mouth: "Others are better looking than me, better than me." "I sometimes feel like my presence is a shame." "I want someone to come and love me."

A girl who does not feel love from her parents does not know how to love herself. When she grew up, she met a gentle boy who said to herself to drink more hot water, and she mistakenly thought it was love. Such a girl is easy to fall in love early, and it is easy to go with her lover at all costs, because marriage is the most legitimate reason for her to leave her original family.

When she turned to Xiaoye, Liu Ting did not care to consider whether he was a liar or not, whether she would be in danger, she just wanted to have someone to be good to her. But she didn't love him, and she knew clearly that he wasn't his favorite type, both in looks and abilities. The only thing she could see was his goodness, and his goodness compensated for the lack of being loved when she was a child.

As long as he is good enough for her, she can marry him; but she does not love him, so she can enslave him from above—I marry you only because you are good to me, so you have to always be good to me. I just want to enjoy your kindness with peace of mind, but I don't want to give it.

03

Husband: A boy who can't find a sense of value

Let's look at her husband Xiaoye again.

His parents have very high requirements for Xiaoye, and if they can't do it, they will hit and deny him; their parents are also very controlling, even if he is now an adult, they still yell at him and manipulate his life at will. Growing up in such an environment, Xiaoye had to learn to be independent, and also learned to isolate emotions and let herself pretend that she didn't care about everything. Moreover, Xiaoye's family lives with grandparents, and there are uncles and cousins in the family, and he has to learn to be obedient to ensure that he is noticed. Deep down, he couldn't find his sense of worth at all.

When she met Liu Ting, who needed love, Xiaoye was aroused to take care of her inner child. He never dared to admit that he needed to be taken care of, but this woman needed to be loved, and he could fill the pit in his heart by taking care of her — I wanted to be loved.

In marriage, Xiaoye completed the following inner meanings by pleasing and taking care of Liu Ting: taking care of the young inner self; enhancing her sense of value by taking care of Liu Ting; and maintaining a home that was different from her childhood. Therefore, even if he is controlled and reprimanded, Xiaoye will not say "no". He needs to compensate for the pain of his early years that was considered worthless by giving: I give to you, I am valuable.

In 5 years, Xiaoye became a man who only paid and did not expect anything in return. He always strives to be the best he can, and perhaps never thought he would cheat. However, he still fell in love with someone else. Because this marriage is an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship: one side is asking for love like a baby, one side wants to find value through giving, the balance is tilting more and more, and finally, the man is tired.

At this time, a woman approached him and admired him, and he began to taste the sweetness of being recognized, began to become addicted, and even desperate. In this extramarital affair, he no longer needs to prove his worth by giving, he also needs love and recognition. The wife could not give it, Xiaoye found it in another woman, and he felt that he was finally like a man.

04

What really hurts you is yourself

After confirming that her husband had cheated on her, Liu Ting slapped Xiaoye hard. She cried and made trouble, as if she had roared out all the repression that had accumulated in her heart for many years. She became hysterical and unable to take it, so she wanted to escape and ran to me, tearfully accusing this man of how bad and how he hurt her. Liu Ting said that she was not willing to be hurt by him like this.

She was injured, but was it really the man who hurt her? After all, she didn't love this man in the first place.

The little girl who was not satisfied with her mother used Xiaoye as a bottle, and she wanted to prove that she was cute through his kindness to herself. But now, this bottle is almost out of milk: he has actually taken care of other women. Betrayal can be painful, but deep inner pain comes from the pain of childhood being inspired and re-experienced.

Her insecurities and shame were thrown out and told her again: You see, are you unloved? As my mother said when I was a child: Everyone is better than you, you are so bad. "I am bad" "I am not loved", this is the deepest pain in Liu Ting's heart.

Sometimes, the third person is a mirror of marriage, and it reminds you that there is something wrong with your marriage. To really grow, you have to see the reasons behind things, see the needs of two people, and find a solution.

First of all, what Liu Ting needs is empathy. When one's emotional feelings are truly seen and emotional needs are understood, pain and anxiety can be alleviated.

Second, to guide her to see her inner child, to see her upbringing, attachment patterns, and emotional needs, which is introspection. Only by seeing the real self can we truly take responsibility for ourselves.

Finally, guide her to the problems in marriage. Marriage is a win-win cooperation, not a one-way exploitation, both parties pay to maintain equality, and the return should be balanced.

The most important thing is self-awareness, reinventing oneself. Now that I am grown up, no longer a child who begs for love with his hands up, tell himself: I have grown up, and I can live without anyone; I am good, I am complete, and I deserve to be loved.

Honey, there's no one else out there, just yourself.