Curatorial, writing / Coco
Editors / KY Creators
"Bouquet of Love" has been well received since it was released in Japan last year. At one point, extranet even named it the best love movie of 2021. Some time ago, it was finally broadcast in China, and I couldn't wait to pull my friends to see it, and as a result, I cried into tears as expected.
In this love film, because of the common love of movies, literature, and music, Wheat and Silk become soul mate-like lovers.
However, due to their different life plans, the trajectory of the two gradually shifted.
Not only is the pace of life gradually out of sync, but even common topics are gradually lost.
The two, who gradually had nothing to talk about, eventually regretted breaking up.
The friend who went with me for a long time: "Two people who are so matched can't escape the fate of separation, you say, is true love bound to not last?" ”
This is not the case. We may attribute the breakup of Mai and Silk to the disappearance of passion, the deviation of planning, the jagged family situation...
However, on the eve of the breakup, Wheat, who said that she loved Xiao Silk, had more than once made a date with the two of them, and she could no longer listen to Xiao Silk's needs for feelings, and even sneered at Xiao Silk's work and hobbies. Xiao Silk was also reluctant to adjust her expectations of him according to the changes in Wheat's work.
In my opinion, they may still be committed lovers, but they are no longer close friends. Although they still live under one roof, they can no longer respect each other and see each other as friends.
The story of Mai and Silk is not a unique case in life, if there is a lack of intimacy in love, it will actually affect the feelings. If you're like them, in a relationship that lacks "friendship love," you may feel the following:
Two people are obviously a partnership, but they do not feel the intimacy between the two
The other person is not interested in your life and is not aware of the change in your state
The other party can't hear your needs, and even if they promise you to change, there is no substantive change
The other person is reluctant to have a meaningful conversation with you
You feel like you've been suppressing yourself in such a relationship
What causes such problems to arise in relationships? How important is friendship to a long,solid relationship? How can you create friendships in relationships?
Take a look at today's article.
In one study, couples who had been married for more than 15 years were mostly asked the secret to maintaining a relationship by saying, "My spouse is my best friend" (Lauer & Lauer, 1985).
More scholars have pointed out that when people are in a relationship with a higher concentration of friendship, they respect their partners more, care more about the relationship, and even achieve self-expansion in the relationship (Lewandowski, 2020). That is to say, these people not only have a stable and happy relationship, but also become a better version of themselves under the gaze of their lovers.
So, what does it mean to be a relationship with a high concentration of friendship? Did you or your partner do it?
authentic
In the early days of most romantic relationships, fantasy and novelty dominate. Both of these states can make people who are actually quite different from us look attractive in the short term, and people tend to idealize their partners at this stage, narrowing down or ignoring unfavorable information that might put the relationship to rest.
Unfortunately, research shows that both fantasy and novelty disappear with the flow of time and the accumulation of experience (Walster & Walster, 1978). A lot of fresh feelings are challenged at this stage, and people are separated because they can't accept the other person's appearance after putting down the disguise. However, love with deep friendship as the core can keep the relationship full and plump for a long time after the passion retreats, because both parties love each other for the truest way.
Equality and respect
Inheriting the truth mentioned above, many people will feel that being the most authentic in front of their partners means that they can be unrestrained, and even, they can not respect each other so much. But this is actually not true.
Guthrie et al. (2011) point out that the people closest to us tend to be the ones we respect the most. If you respect your partner, you will care about their well-being, do not want them to be treated unfairly, and sincerely hope and support the other party to have the freedom to choose their own life development.
If a person in a relationship hopes that the other party will be wronged by the interests of the other party to fulfill his "truth", it is a kind of selfishness, which is a great disrespect for the lover and the relationship.
Support and responsiveness
Percieved partner responsiveness refers to being able to clearly perceive a partner's concern, respect, enthusiasm, and support for their needs (Reis, 2009). Partner responsiveness can promote self-disclosure, trust, and interdependence of two people in a relationship, and it is very rewarding and can make people feel that they are understood, appreciated, and cherished.
For many people, the three traits mentioned above may exist in their relationships with good friends, but not in their daily relationships with their partners.
People don't always value friendship in love.
In a 1993 survey, only 44 percent of college students said their lovers were also their best friends (Lee, 1993). And that number has nearly doubled in 20 years — in 2017, 83 percent of college students surveyed said they were in a relationship with their best friend (Lewandowski, 2020).
It is not difficult to calculate that most of the college students in 1993 were post-70s, while in 2017, most of them were post-90s. So, in just over 20 years, has the concept of love of two generations changed dramatically? Look down together -
First, today's young people value friendship more, believing that deep friendship can bring equal or even more satisfaction than passionate partnerships, and do not blindly put love first (DePaulo, 2015).
This coincides with the concept proposed by the Polish sociologist Baunan in 2003, "Liquid Love". This concept emphasizes that love should not be limited to romantic love between couples in the narrow sense, but should flow into a larger, warmer energy.
In addition, today's young people value friendship in relationships more. Studies have shown that the post-80s and post-60s and post-60s and post-60s marriages have very different views: for millennials, among the reasons why they decide to enter marriage, they are more concerned about each other's investment (76%) and companionship (71%) for the sake of financial stability and having children (27% and 49%).
Some studies have also pointed out that post-80s and 90s prefer to marry people with the same level of education as themselves than post-60s and 70s. With the spread of the gender equality movement, women are generally more educated and no longer need to rely on men for social resources (Barroso et al., 2020).
More women want to feel in the power dynamics of marriage that "both parties' hobbies are valued," "being able to freely express themselves rather than being pretentious," and "valuing each other's talents and decisions" (Barroso et al., 2020) – which coincides with the traits of good friendships as "equality, truthfulness, respect" (Davis & Todd, 1985).
In the past, in order to maintain the solid structure of patriarchal society, the greatest "function" of women was to procreate, thus ensuring the continuation of the husband's family (McKelle, 2013). In this cultural system, the expectation of rights and division of labor in intimate relationships is solidified.
If you still hold this kind of thinking, both men and women will find it difficult to agree that they can be truly good friends with their partners. Men may still regard their husbands and godsons as their wives' vocation, and women also think that earning money to support their families is all their husband's business, and they do not need to understand his world.
Essentially, the core of a lack of friendship is a lack of intimate interaction, equal communication, and a deep and sincere interest in each other. Even if two people seem to be perfectly compatible soul partners at first, as long as the relationship has been in a state of "one party does not share, the other party does not ask" in the long-term relationship, even if the body is still sleeping in the same bed, the soul can no longer truly see each other's world.
In fact, regardless of gender, too many people are accustomed to seeing their partner as static, unchanging, and unaware that even if the other person's identity as their partner is fixed, the individual himself may be constantly changing. From daily mood swings to wavering plans for the future, all changes require us to be insightful and respond in a way that is fair to both parties.
When a person thinks that his partner's emotions and feelings are not so important, and that his "function" should be limited to supporting his work, sharing stress for himself, and solving sexual needs, then all of his or her normal needs as a person will appear troublesome, even greedy.
1) Learn to support something you don't completely agree with – Agree to disagree
You need to realize that your partner's views and needs are as real and important as your own. Learn to give unconditional support to your partner at all times, and many times "I'll always stand with you" is more important than "I'm right" (Seltzer, 2022).
When confronted with a topic that you don't fully understand or support, but is important to your partner, a better response than "I'm not interested, I don't accept" is: "I don't know much, or you teach me, right?" Or," "Why do you think that?" Can you tell me about it? ”
2) Learn each other's "language of love" – everyone expresses love differently
Marriage counselor Chapman (1995) pointed out that in intimate relationships, because the two parties express love in different ways, one party will always feel that they have tried their best, while the other party is still not satisfied.
Many times, it's not that you or they don't do enough good enough, it's that you fail to understand the way the other person expresses love. What the other person may give you is not what you want the most, but what they may give is the best and most precious thing in their cognition.
At this time, you need to communicate openly and directly with each other like friends in order to have a long-term intimate relationship. (How to express love?) Poke Huang Lei Sun Li has been in love for 24 years丨 How important is "expression" in the relationship)
3) Discover a common language – If not, you can create new hobbies together
Digging into the similarities between you and trying to have a unique system of secret discourse, such as creating codes and "stems" that only each other understands, or special ways of expressing them, will be of great benefit to promoting relationships.
Try to focus on opportunities around you, such as couples craft workshops, the release of a new movie, or the opening of a new restaurant. Anything you might want to experience, you can present your ideas to your partner and invite them to do the same (Narum, 2021).
Finally, to borrow a quote from consulting columnist Landers: There is a big difference between indulging in lust and true love, and love is deeper and richer than pure passion. Love is built on the basis of tolerance, love and communication, and love is "burning friendship". ——— Landers, 1982 Wishing us all best friends with the people we love the most
Interactions Today: Do you think it's important to be friends with your partner? Have you ever encountered a love that lacked friendship?