Text: Zheng Shaoyuan May my words warm you
-01-
Teacher Tu Lei, an emotional expert, once described marriage like this:
If marriage is a siege, then love is a house in a walled city, and men and women who live without houses cannot withstand the wind and rain, either they flee or they die of illness. So whether you love first and then marry, or marry first and love later, your marriage will last because you have a house of love.
A perfect marriage does not exist because it requires both spouses to achieve a perfect state of fairness. This balance is not well mastered by the vast majority of couples. In fact, husband and wife have half the responsibility in marriage, but few people can do it perfectly.
Love marriage is not a one-man show, and if a man and a woman are only excellent on a purely personal level, it is not the inevitable result of a happy marriage. Whether it is a talented couple or a mutual appreciation couple, its essence is the same, that is, to understand each other's customs and understand life. The so-called husband and wife play double reeds, without cooperation can not be.
And what are the most important factors that affect marriage? In fact, I summarized that what can affect marriage is roughly divided into two categories, one is emotional factors, and the other is material factors. Both are indispensable.
-02-
I wrote this article because a reader told me about her personal experience, and her marriage was tragic because it was full of calculations from the beginning. She wants to use her own personal experience to tell us that there must not be too many calculations in marriage.
The reader's name is Yuhui, who is just 30 years old this year, and she just recently divorced her husband.
The relationship between Yuhui and her ex-husband Tiehao is a mistake to say. At the beginning, Yuhui mistakenly thought that Tiehao loved herself very much, and she really loved Tiehao, so she married Tiehao without hesitation.
And the people around her are not optimistic about this marriage, because the two people's family situation is too different, it belongs to the wrong door, and Tiehao's contact with Yuhui is purposeful.
Tie Hao comes from a remote rural area, from snacks to hard work, after graduating from college through his own efforts to stay in the city to live, is a veritable phoenix man.
Although the folk have always had the saying that "marrying someone and not marrying a phoenix man", many girls also strongly reject the phoenix man in love to avoid "stepping on the thunder". But the distinctive Tiehao still attracted the attention of colleague Yuhui.
-03-
Yuhui is a local girl whose parents are both civil servants. Although she is not a rich and noble lady of a thousand gold, compared with Tiehao, her family situation is several streets away from Tiehao's family.
Regarding love, Yuhui has always had her own ideas. She does not require that the man must have a car and a house, what kind of height the economic strength must reach, or if he is not tall or handsome, everything is not discussed.
She has always believed that a man's good or bad character is the key to determining happiness or not. If the man has a full material score and his character is not qualified, even if he gives her a gold house and a silver house, she will not marry.
Through the contact at work and the observation of Tie Hao in her daily life, Yuhui feels that the other party is the man she wants to find: hard work, filial piety, and low profile. So she took the lead in confessing to Tiehao and began to take the initiative to pursue each other.
It is said that "women chase men, compartment yarn", the beautiful and generous Yuhui soon won the favor of Tiehao and became his legitimate girlfriend.
However, in feelings, whoever takes the initiative first loses, especially girls.
-04-
Two people were in love for a year or so and then got married. When he got married, Tiehao could not afford to buy a house and only gave a dowry of ten thousand yuan. And Yuhui's family married a suite, and some money.
After getting married, Yuhui thought that life would be very happy, but found that she fell into the trap of "poverty alleviation marriage".
After Tie Hao got married, he did not give up the subsidy to the family, most of his salary was given to his parents, and the family's expenses were all responsible for Yuhui alone. Not only that, sometimes, some relatives and friends from Tiehao's hometown will come to the house to borrow money, tiehao has a good face, and every time he comes, he does not refuse. When he didn't have any money, he told Yuhui to go back to her mother's house to ask for it.
Getting along after marriage also made Yuhui understand that Tiehao is a phoenix man, because Tiehao always hangs his parents on his lips, and he will never refuse any request from his parents, which will only make Yuhui blindly endure.
Yuhui from the beginning of the dissatisfaction but now the habit of the current, it is not that Yuhui does not care about this matter, but Yuhui feels that two people together should tolerate each other, and marriage is not easy to come by, always can not easily say give up.
Yuhui's mother-in-law is an authentic rural person, and she has no insight, and usually does not live with Yuhui, but lives alone in the countryside, Tiehao has long proposed the idea of taking her mother-in-law to live at home, but has not been agreed to by Yuhui's parents, because the house where the two now live is married by Yuhui's parents.
-05-
Recently, the mother-in-law's health is getting worse and worse, so Tie Hao and Yu Hui took the mother-in-law to the home, wanted to do a full body examination for the mother-in-law, did not check and did not know, a check frightened, the mother-in-law actually had Alzheimer's disease, this news shocked Tie Hao and Yu Hui.
Tie Hao was distressed by his mother and said that he would not let her take care of the housework anymore. He simply asked Yuhui to resign and take care of his mother at home. When he told Yuhui about this idea, he was rejected by Yuhui.
Although Yuhui loves Tiehao and is willing to be filial to her in-laws, she has always been an independent woman and does not want to leave society at such a young age and live the life of a housewife.
She suggested that during the day she asked an hourly worker to help take care of it, cook a meal, accompany her for a walk, or something. When they get off work, they can go home and watch TV and chat with the elderly, and they can still take care of their mother-in-law.
Tie Hao disagreed. He felt that being a child and doing it himself when his parents needed care was truly filial piety. And Yuhui's so-called unwillingness to leave society is clearly an excuse for not wanting to serve his mother, which is a manifestation of filial piety and a taboo that he cannot tolerate.
-06-
He insisted on the idea of letting Yuhui resign, saying bluntly: "If you don't resign and take care of my mother, what is the use of such a woman marrying?" "The implication is that marrying a wife is to be a housewife and take care of her family.
The two people quarreled without a word, and finally Tie Hao actually threatened Yuhui: If you don't resign to take care of my mother, we will divorce!
After saying that, he actually "ran away from home" intelligently, and has been living in a colleague's house these days, thinking that Yuhui will be afraid and compromise.
However, since he ran away from home, Yuhui also calmed down, she felt that she could no longer continue to live with this phoenix man, the unhappiness of married life made her disappointed in Tiehao, and she made up her mind to divorce Tiehao.
So she hired a lawyer, drafted a divorce agreement, and waited for Tie Hao to return and the two of them went to the divorce.
Yuhui returned to her parents and told the whole story, and her parents also agreed with her divorce from Tiehao.
-07-
Yuhui has a high school classmate who has always liked her, and the two have been connected over the years. When he learned that Yuhui was going to divorce, he was very happy, and he said that he didn't care that Yuhui was married or that he had a daughter.
Yuhui knows the character of this male classmate and knows that he likes himself. During this special period, Yuhui did not hesitate to agree to marry him.
When Tie Hao returned home, he found that his belongings had already been packed up by Yuhui and placed at the door. A divorce contract awaits him. That day, Yuhui's classmates helped her and were also present. So the scene was unusually awkward.
Tie Hao's mentality collapsed on the spot, he didn't expect that Yuhui really wanted to divorce himself, and his home already had a new male host! Soon Yuhui divorced him.
The so-called happy marriage is only the result of the couple's accommodation and habits, just like a pair of shoes, which become fit after a long time.
Two couples live a life, personality discord may also be able to slowly run in. But two people whose three views are too far apart, no matter how they are run-in, cannot really live happily together, and will only lead to more troubles and pains.
-END-