In the family, parent-child relationships trump everything.
Building a strong emotional connection between parents and children is the key and core to solving educational problems.
Author | Coke Mom
In the early hours of yesterday morning, I saw a friend post such a dynamic:
"As a teacher for all these years, no matter how naughty and rebellious the child is, I can cure it, but how can I face my own children and have no recruitment?"
It really feels so desperate..."
This friend was a college classmate of mine, and after graduation, he went to a school as a teacher.
Because she was knowledgeable and good at communication, the children in the class liked her.
However, it is such a person, after becoming a mother, he can never get his son:
No matter how hard he tried to reason with his son, the son always went in and out of his left ear and out of his right ear.
Two days ago, the mother and son quarreled again because of some trivial matters.
In a fit of rage, the friend slapped his son hard.
Although she quickly apologized to her son, the relationship between the two was completely frozen.
Since then, as soon as the friend opened his mouth, the son hid impatiently in the bedroom, refusing to say anything to the friend.
In fact, I can often see similar messages in the background:
"Every time I want to communicate with my son well, I can't say two words, and I'm about to quarrel..."
"When he was a kid, I said whatever I wanted, but now, I say what he says."
So as a parent, in the face of a child who "does not enter the oil and salt" and gradually strengthens his self-awareness, how should he communicate with him?
Before answering this question, I would like to share a story that I saw some time ago -
"From today on, he is no longer your son"
I inadvertently brushed up a video of Fudan professor Wang Defeng.
In the video, he shares one thing:
One day, Professor Wang Defeng suddenly received a phone call.
On the other end of the phone was his old neighbor, a middle-aged mom whose son was in his senior year of high school.
I don't know when the mother and son will quarrel as long as they talk, and now, the two people can only be silent and do not say a word to each other.
But recently, the college entrance examination is about to be taken, and my son's grades are constantly declining.
The son's homeroom teacher asked the mother to communicate with the child more, but when it came to learning, the relationship between mother and son became more tense.
There was no way, this mother could only find Professor Wang Defeng to support him.
Professor Wang thought about it and said:
"I can only give you one piece of advice, and that is that from today onwards, you will withdraw yourself from it."
Mom didn't understand, and Professor Wang explained:
"That is to say, from this day forward, you should no longer see him as your son, and you should not regard yourself as his mother.
You see him as your good friend who can't take care of him, so entrust it to your child. ”
Professor Wang also told the mother that in the face of such a child, parents only need to do three things:
First, don't let him go hungry;
Second, when it is cold, don't let him freeze;
Third, let him sleep peacefully at night.
After listening to Professor Wang's words, my mother would be suspicious.
However, two months later, when Professor Wang saw the mother again, she looked full of spring breeze, and her first words were:
"I didn't expect that my son had so many advantages, how come I hadn't seen them before?"
Immediately after, mom said:
"I also knew that my son loved me deeply."
Once, the mother had a high fever.
If it had been before, even if it was uncomfortable, the mother would have struggled to get up and make dinner for her son.
But that day, my mother remembered Professor Wang's words and thought to herself, anyway, there is still food at home, how can I not be hungry, or I am more important to rest well.
When his son came home, he saw this scene and was immediately anxious.
He carefully read the instructions for the medicine, supervised his mother to take the medicine, and then ran to the kitchen to make a meal and brought it to his mother's bed.
Although this meal was unpalatable, my mother ate it with tears in her eyes.
It was also from this day that the invisible layer of solid ice between the mother and son was suddenly broken.
In the face of her son's declining grades, the mother did not lose her temper and blame her son as usual, but calmly asked the reason for the decline in her son's grades:
What can be solved, the mother and the son face together; if they can't be solved, they are left to the son to deal with.
Unexpectedly, after a period of time, not only did my son's grades improve, but I and my son once again became speechless.
From the sword to the joy and harmony, from speechless to speechless, behind the story of this mother and son, there are actually three truths of the parent-child relationship -
First Truth:
The most useless way of communicating,
It is to lose your temper with the child and be reasonable
From Professor Wang Defeng's story, we can see that many parents communicate with their children in the two most common ways:
Or parents chatter about reasoning with their children;
Or if they don't agree, the parents will be angry at their children.
Either way, the final communication effect is almost zero.
Why?
Psychologist Albert Merribbin once proposed a famous "55387" theory:
When people communicate with each other, the total effect of communication = 7% language + 38% pitch + 55% facial expression.
Other words:
When parents communicate with children, if the parent's facial expression looks angry and disappointed, the tone of voice sounds high and sharp.
Even if the parents' reasoning is correct, no matter how good the original intention is for the children, when it reaches the child's ears, it is no different from the noise.
In the variety show "Super Parenting", there have been such scenes:
Chen Chen is a rebellious and violent teenager.
In the face of her parents' concern, Chen Chen either turned a deaf ear or shouted "I want you to manage" and "go out";
In his room, he still had a stick erected for many years, and when he didn't agree, he used it to threaten his mother.
However, after observing for a while, guest Lan Hai found:
Chen Chen's rebellion was actually provoked by her parents' wrong way of communication.
On weekdays, the topic of communication between my mother and ChenChen is always inseparable from learning.
Even at the dinner table, it says, "How much homework is tonight?" "Make this volume a little later", "What is the choice of this question?" ”
And Dad always had a straight face and reprimanded Chenchen:
"Do you understand politeness?"
"When your parents talk to you, do you know the answer?"
Even Lan Hai sighed and said:
"The communication between mother and child is too simple, and the communication between father and child is too lacking."
This leads to a twelve- or thirteen-year-old child, who receives only questions and lessons every day at home, and his ears are filled with scores and grades. ”
When faced with a child who grows up and slowly has his own ideas, the parents' reasoning and violence not only have no effect, but will destroy the parent-child relationship.
At this time, it is better to change into a kind smile and learn to use a relatively peaceful tone, and you may find:
Being pleasant and soft-spoken is often more powerful than nagging and temper.
The second truth:
Education can only play a role if the parent-child relationship is good
The "water management theory" in relationships tells us:
In order for the water to flow smoothly, the first thing you need is that the water pipe is open.
Similarly, for a family, the relationship between parents and children is like a water pipe:
If the parent-child relationship is harmonious, no matter what the parent says, the child is willing to listen;
But if the parent-child relationship is very tense, it is often the parents who open their mouths that the child is annoyed.
Remember the previous Peking University professor Ding Yanqing, who was popular all over the Internet because he complained about the "scum" daughter?
Professor Ding's daughter was talented, and when she was a child, she was raised on the stock and did not attend any cram schools.
When she went to elementary school, she couldn't keep up.
Especially in mathematics, she was at the bottom of her class in every exam.
Faced with this situation, Professor Ding did not scold his daughter, but thought of a way:
Every day, I cycle my daughter to and from school.
During this hour or so of journey, the daughter could not do anything else, and the father and daughter could only chat.
However, because of this undisturbed parent-child interaction time, the relationship between Professor Ding and his daughter is getting better and better, and the efficiency of teaching her daughter math problems is getting higher and higher.
Communicating with children and solving problems in children has never been a panacea, and there is no immediate shortcut.
The only and right thing to do is to slowly smooth out your relationship with your child.
Psychologist He Lingfeng once said in his speech:
"The parent-child relationship is the relationship that children are worth relying on in the world.
This relationship is broken, and if the child really encounters something in the future, the parents will not be able to hold up.
Because children will not talk to parents, parents want to help but can not help, that is our failure as parents. ”
Responsible and wise parents, after seeing the problems in their children, will heal their children by repairing relationships;
Anxious and arrogant parents will only blindly blame their children, but they will not see that the family is sick and the relationship has been broken.
The Third Truth:
Learn to be a child's "scaffolding" instead of a "fire extinguisher"
Later, the mother said to Professor Wang Defeng:
"In the past, I always imposed my own ideas and values on my son's head, and I always judged my children by my own standards, and I always felt that my son was full of problems;
But since thinking, 'This is not my child, I just need to be loyal to others,' I have seen the merits of children. ”
In fact, this also reveals one of the most basic principles that parents should observe when educating children:
Be a "scaffolding" for your child, not a "fire extinguisher".
What does this mean?
In the eyes of "fire extinguisher parents", they can often only see the shortcomings of their children and are accustomed to criticizing their children.
It turned out that the more he picked the problem, the more the child's problems appeared in an endless stream, and this one was just extinguished, and the other was burned up again.
The characteristic of "scaffolded parents" is to give their children greater autonomy.
And always remind yourself:
The only thing I can give to my children is love, not my thoughts, because they have their own thoughts.
When we are faced with a child whose ideas and abilities are not yet mature, but always feel that they have grown up and no longer need their parents, how to communicate with them and establish a good parent-child relationship is the wisdom of parents.
In this process, "scaffolding parents" often do the following things:
Learn to let go without letting go
When the child needs it, it is incumbent upon him to help him; when the child does not need it, he pays attention to it silently.
Wang Zhanjun, director of the China Education Association, shared such a thing:
When his daughter was in junior high school, she was a bit biased.
As a father, he naturally wants to help his daughter, but her daughter is not willing.
Therefore, Wang Zhanjun wrote a "cover letter" to his daughter, saying that he wanted to apply for his daughter's "learning consultant".
If the daughter needs it, she only needs to pay him a dollar a month and promise that she can freely hire or dismiss herself.
At this moment, the daughter accepted his help.
Parents love their children, it is instinctive.
But how to love children at the same time, let go of the hand to let them experience, to grow, is a parent to learn throughout their lives.
Try to dig up the strengths from the child, and then desperately praise him
Deep down in everyone's heart, they long to be seen and recognized.
The same goes for kids.
But many times, we only see the shortcomings of the child, but ignore the highlights of the child.
And the best way to win a child's heart is to give him recognition and dignity, give him trust and time.
Only in this way can the child go to the other side of the shore called "growing up".
I once read a passage like this:
"To love a man is to help him become the king of his own land, not to make him a puppet in the name of love."
I love you, but you are yourself, and that's about love, the most fascinating definition. ”
Communication between parents and children is becoming more and more difficult, and perhaps the trigger is precisely because we have misunderstood the definition of love:
I always think that love is as I wish, but I forget that love is actually as you are.
Sometimes, what we have to do may be to stop treating our children as our own children, but as "tasks" entrusted to us by our friends:
Let go of the hand and let him grow on his own; and look at his progress with an appreciative eye.
At that time, the little man would probably be willing to sit down and chat with us shoulder to shoulder.