Author: Main creative group Jinshan Yue
There was a video that caused quite a stir in the parent circle.
The video advocates "happy education", exams, scores, key middle schools are not important, the important thing is that children should have a happy childhood.
After reading it, many parents sighed from the bottom of their hearts: no matter how hard they are, they can't suffer their children, and no matter how poor they are, they can't be poor in education.
Therefore, they invest a lot of effort and resources to make children happy to learn, but neglect discipline, blindly spoil, give in, and condone.
As a result, children become more and more arrogant, not only learning nothing, but also not following the rules, not gratitude, and even affecting their future.
In the face of this educational strangeness, Professor Qian Wenzhong of Fudan University appealed bitterly:
"Education cannot be compromised repeatedly, and we have to be really responsible for our children."
Growth, in essence, is the process of restricting nature; Education, on the other hand, is a kind of persuasion, correction and guidance.
In the process of raising children, if the love of parents has no boundaries, the result is likely to lead to disharmony between parents and children.
Truly responsible parents know how to "love with proportion", so that children can grow into people with positive views and responsibilities in the midst of constraints.
Blindly giving in will only raise children who "do not know how to be grateful"
Education expert Professor Li Meijin once said:
"When the child is 3 years old, you don't meet his requirements, he will roll around at most; But when he is 15, he may self-harm, commit suicide, and argue with you; But when he turns 20, he may resent you and even attack you. ”
We always think that it is love to ask for children, but we don't know that this love is a poison that erodes the bones, harms the child, and eventually hurts ourselves.
Remember the 29-year-old man who "sued his parents for not raising them"?
He openly said: "I hope that the state will introduce a law, if the child is not capable, the parents should always raise it." ”
His name is Kuang Zhengxuan, he was afraid of getting tired when he was studying, and he did not learn a skill; After dropping out of school to work, I felt that work was more tiring than studying, so I simply went home to gnaw at the old and wandered around.
You may think he has a good family, but the opposite is true.
His father was just a construction worker, earning up to 3,000 yuan a month; The mother was in poor health and was sick in bed all year round.
As the saying goes, the children of the poor are in charge of the family early, but why is Kuang Zhengxuan so depraved and decadent?
It turned out that behind this, it was not unrelated to the education he received.
Mother doting, father protecting, from childhood to adulthood, Kuang Zhengxuan in "overprotection", do whatever he wants, wantonly.
If you don't like to read, you don't read, if you don't want to work, you don't go, your parents take care of all your food, drink, and Lasa, and if you have no money, you want it, and once you are rejected, he loses his temper and punches and kicks his parents.
We feel that parents are pitiful, but it all stems from their excessive involvement in children's lives, giving in without a bottom line in the super-concentration of love.
Kuang Zhengxuan's story reminds me of the red spider on the African savannah.
This spider has a great appetite at birth, and after eating all the rice balls prepared by the mother spider, it will climb up to the back of the mother spider and tear and eat the mother.
These parents are like spider mothers, hollowing themselves out, not getting the gratitude of their children, and eventually being eaten away.
In many cases, the more parents love their children, the less self-awareness and judgment the children have, the less fighting spirit and survival ability, and the more they lack education and character.
A family, the biggest misfortune, is to raise children who "do not know how to be grateful" with full love.
The best parent-child relationship is one in which love has proportions and boundaries
"Talent magician" Cai Xiaowan once told a past story between himself and his son in the program "Thank You, My Home".
When the fourth son Cai Tianrun was in junior high school, he was fascinated by martial arts films such as "Shaolin Temple" and "Huo Yuanjia", and quarreled to go to Shaolin Temple to learn martial arts.
In order to move his parents, Cai Tianrun vowed: "I will never study in this life, I will become a generation of martial arts masters, defend the motherland, and shake the world." ”
After Cai Xiaowan listened, he did not immediately agree or dissuade in every way, but calmly talked to the child.
After making sure that the child was desperate, he asked Cai Tianrun to write a "letter of determination" to ensure that he would do what he said and do what he said.
After that, Cai Xiaowan found the admissions brochure of the martial arts school, signed up for the child, and took the whole family to Cai Tianrun to practice.
Unexpectedly, in just the past two months, Cai Tianrun could not stay in the martial arts school, and hoped to return to school to continue studying.
But this time, Cai Xiaowan was not so "talkative", he solemnly said to his son: "You must persevere, you are not responsible for your life choices, how can you become a talent in the future?" ”
As a result, Cai Tianrun could only bite the bullet and stay in the martial arts school for a whole semester before being taken home by his father.
With this lesson, Cai Tianrun corrected his attitude towards learning and made great progress until he obtained a doctorate from a famous university in the United States.
Cai Tianrun was very grateful to his father for teaching, and in order to fulfill Cai Xiaowan's last wish of "saving lives and helping the wounded", many years later, he gave up his high-paying job abroad and founded a private hospital in Shanghai.
In educating her children, Cai Xiaowan embodies the "measured love" of her parents, neither completely obeying her children nor forcibly suppressing them.
After suffering a little, Cai Tianrun understood a truth: everyone should be responsible for their own lives.
Only when the love of parents is "just right", gentle and firm, can children grow up physically and mentally healthy.
The same is to love children, some parents help everywhere, take the helm of everything, fully intervene in the child's survival field, and overbind themselves to their children, but some parents, on the basis of love, can be willing to let go, appropriately refuse, and cultivate their children's independent personality.
Education is by no means a simple matter, it requires every parent to work hard, not only to establish an emotional bond with their children, but also to be loose and moderate in the process of discipline.
Zhou Guoping said:
"A sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to respect the necessary distance between people, and this distance implies respect for the other person as an independent personality."
Excessive spoiling and blind concession is a kind of love that transgresses the line; Strict discipline by parental authority is also a harm to children "in the name of love".
Qualified parents can find a balance between giving their children freedom and restraint.
Bear children are used to it, good children are managed
"The Courage of Discipline" says: "Educate a child, when he is young, he must be ruthless, and when he grows up, give him wings." ”
Disciplining children is not to suppress and control, but to establish rules and concepts for children from an early age, cultivate good habits, draw a safety line for children with love, and help children grow up to be people who adapt to society.
So how to discipline children? Five pieces of advice for everyone.
(1) Control the mobile phone and prevent children from being addicted to entertainment
Some people ask on the Internet: What are the things that children must not touch?
Many parents say, "One of the things that children must not touch is something that can get short-term pleasure." ”
For example, short videos and small games are too easy for children to indulge, and mobile phones have penetrated into all aspects of life, and we cannot completely eliminate children's contact.
So what to do?
There are expert recommendations:
"Before the age of 6, do not let children touch mobile phones under various names; Even if you want to use it, you must delete mobile apps such as short videos and games; After the age of 6, according to the needs of learning, set the length and frequency of looking at mobile phones; Make rules and clarify the consequences of breaking them. ”
Children are children because they lack self-control, are easily attracted to low-level entertainment, and indulge in it.
As a parent, it is imperative to lead by example by keeping yourself and your children away from mobile phones and not indulging in entertainment.
(2) Manage your time so that your child doesn't procrastinate
Many parents complained:
After children go to school, there is always not enough time, get up early every morning, go to bed in the middle of the night, but there are still endless things to do. The family was in a hurry, the chicken flew and the dog jumped, and the moment when it never stopped, it felt like it would die suddenly every minute.
It is undeniable that the pace of life is indeed getting faster and faster. Therefore, time management is particularly important.
"How Smart People Manage Time" says: "Smart people know how to prioritize and how to improve their efficiency." ”
What parents need to do is to teach children to recognize and feel time; Help your child keep things organized; Segment and rationalize time; Combine work and rest, slow and moderate, neither blindly nagging and urging, nor let the child procrastinate.
(3) Cultivate habits and enhance children's consciousness
The writer Gao Ling told such a story.
The child of his friend "Brother Song" is in high school, and his academic performance has always been at the top, but he has never attended interest classes, and he can also engage in some hobbies in addition to studying, which can be described as a typical student.
Brother Song's approach is two: "One is to treat homework like an exam; Second, there are problems and only subjective reasons are sought. ”
The first is to cultivate the habit of children completing homework independently; The second is to enhance children's consciousness.
The philosopher Bacon said, "Habit is really a tenacious and great force that can dominate life." ”
Good parents know how to let their children develop good habits from an early age and cultivate consciousness as soon as possible.
(4) Emotion management, improve children's emotional intelligence
Psychologist Daniel Goleman once said, "Family life is the first school we learn emotions. ”
Children, like us, will have all kinds of emotions: positive, happy, negative, angry ...
But without our ability to analyze and evacuate emotions, once frustrated, children can easily fall into emotional loss of control.
As a parent, read your child's emotions, hear their inner language, and teach your child how to express and deal with negative emotions.
For example, in the face of children who are in the mood of adolescence, the first thing parents must do is to help their children calm down.
Then through in-depth understanding and communication, find the crux of the problem, and guide the child to accept, face and solve the problem.
Teaching children emotional management not only harmonizes family relationships, but also helps to improve children's emotional intelligence.
(5) Learn to refuse and let children be self-reliant
Rousseau wrote a very heartfelt sentence in "Emile":
"Do you understand what can make your child miserable? That is, let him have what he wants. The more he gets, the more he wants, and sooner or later, you have to reject him, and this unexpected rejection hurts him far more than he never gets satisfied. ”
Why some children are difficult to be satisfied and do not know gratitude; And some children can understand their parents and understand that life is not easy?
The reason may be whether the parents have done the right refusal.
Learn to say "no" to your children and only be a 60-point parent in order to raise children who are independent and self-reliant and know how to be grateful.
I like this passage:
"The process of growing a child is like cultivating a small sapling to grow. The growth of small saplings requires irrigation and care, as well as pruning of branches. ”
No one is born automatically as a qualified social person, and we all nurture children like saplings, allowing them to grow up with careful watering and patient pruning.
And parents, that is, gardeners with scissors in their hands, only parents can trim their children to a better appearance.
Parents love their children for far-reaching, true love has stamina, can support the child's future, but also allow them to spread their wings and fly.