To be a good parent, we must learn to overcome our own desire to control, grasp the boundaries between parents and children, guide children to independence, self-management, and live their own lives.
01
On National Day this year, I broke out with my mother the biggest conflict since I gave birth, and this conflict was so big that it not only led to my mother's action against me, but also made me finally make up my mind to leave her and leave this family.
The cause of the incident was my 3 year old son.
During the National Day, because my husband had to travel for three days, I took my child back to my mother's house, because I was in a city, so I had close contact with my parents.
At 10 p.m. on October 1st, I told the child a storybook and agreed with him to play with the toy for another 10 minutes and then turn off the lights and go to sleep.
10 minutes passed quickly, and my son obediently began to pack up his toys, at which point my mother rushed in and began yelling at me and my son:
"What time it is and I still can't sleep!" It's 11 o'clock! What do you want to do without sleeping! ”
My son and I were shocked, and I was very dissatisfied with the explanation: "He slept until almost 6 o'clock in the afternoon, and he certainly couldn't sleep at 10 o'clock, and besides, this is not the beginning..."
My mother did not listen to my explanation and continued to vent her dissatisfaction at me, "When I used to take Taotao, we always slept at 9:30, you see you take a child, nothing is satisfactory, you say what you can do!" ”
The anger in my heart was completely ignited by my mother, and from childhood to adulthood, she could always humiliate me with all kinds of sarcastic and insulting words.
After calming down, she would say it was "for my own good," and whenever I made up my mind to leave the house, she called again and again, kidnapping me back with affection and tears.
The cycle repeats, year after year.
I packed up my things and took my son to prepare to leave, and my father came to persuade me, saying that it was the big festival, it was night again, go to bed first, and if there was anything to say tomorrow morning, my mother was still on the sidelines and said:
"Let her go and see how capable she is!" But say well, the child has to stay for me, Taotao follows you, I am not at ease! ”
That night, I put my arms around my son and cried silently all night, and such a scene has appeared countless times in the picture of my growth.
02
There is a high praise answer on Zhihu, the title is: "Can a woman really ruin three generations?" ”
The following variety of answers are nothing more than their own strong grandmother, grandmother or mother-in-law, how to use a strong posture and the banner of "good for you", 360 degrees of all-round control of children's lives, snooping on the privacy of others.
A university study from the University of London found a link between parental controlling behavior and mental health problems later in life.
Parental control is too strong, and the negative impact on children's happiness is similar to the negative impact of the loss of a loved one.
Excessive control is a stumbling block to the child's independence, so that he has no opportunity to face the difficulties in life, it is difficult to cultivate the ability to solve problems, and even social love, do not dare to try, after leaving his parents, it is very easy to live into an island.
In the previous issue of "Round Table Pie", the guests were discussing a topic, why do some parents like to say that their children are not biological, but are picked up in the trash?
Dou Wentao put forward a point of view, the reason why parents love to play with their children like this is actually the hidden desire to control their children in the depths of their hearts, that is, if I let you cry, you have to cry, I make you afraid of you, and I make you laugh and you have to laugh.
Parents need to grasp and control their children's emotions at any time, but in fact, they are only satisfied with their own pleasure and satisfaction with manipulating their children's lives.
Before the hit youth drama "Little Joy", I felt empathy and tears in my eyes.
There is one scene that particularly bothers me. In order to realize her dream, Ying Zi decided to apply for the Department of Astronomy of Nanjing University.
Mother Song Qian was resolutely opposed, and even privately directly changed her daughter's college entrance examination volunteer.
Faced with this uncontrollable desire to control, the desperate Hideko comes to the beach and wants to jump into the sea to completely get rid of her mother's control.
She cried and said to her mother:
"Because you're so nice to me, cooking for me and taking care of my life, I don't think I deserve it, I don't deserve to get you to be so good to me."
"Because of you, I haven't slept well in 34 days, and I just want to escape from you now!"
Many viewers who have not seen the play may think that Hideko is a child who is spoiled by her parents and is not grateful, but she does not know that such parents are actually around you and me.
How strong is Song Qian's desire to control?
In order to know what her daughter was doing in the room at any time, she transformed the wall in her daughter's bedroom into transparent glass;
She strictly controls Hideko's diet, prohibits junk food such as spicy hot and McDonald's, and drinks various health-preserving medicinal foods every day.
At the college entrance examination oath ceremony, Ying Zi wrote down the wish of "China National Space Administration" on the balloon, and finally under the pressure of Song Qian, it was changed to: Tsinghua and Peking University choose one, and the college entrance examination score is 700 points...
03
A friend once shared her relationship with her mother, and her mother's slightest mood swings will affect her every move.
When the mother is anxious, she will be worried and overwhelmed, and it must be because she has done something wrong that will make the mother unhappy.
When the mother begins to get angry, she will be even more afraid of not knowing what to do, because according to the experience of growing up as a child, she must have done something that made her mother unhappy, or did not achieve the results that her mother wanted.
If there is a fight, her mother will say that it is because of giving birth to you that my life is a mess.
She can't control her own negative emotions, so she hopes to control her child's behavior to change her mood.
Such parents completely ignore the existence of children as independent personalities, and the only value of children's existence is to become the "successful person" they hope to become.
They "use the authority of their parents to force their children to grow up according to their required goals" "in the name of love", and many parents do not even perceive that they are controlling their children's lives, but will think that this is a natural "good for you".
And if the child is unable to reach the goal, they will attribute all the reasons to the child's disobedience. If the goal is achieved, it is all due to their own control, completely obliterating the realization of the child's own value.
04
Chinese parents' desire for control is mostly tied to devotion, and they want you to listen to them so much, and they are so afraid that you will not listen to them.
This desire for control, I don't know for whom it was born.
The reason why Yang Yongxin, the "magnetic explosion infantry", exists is because there are many Chinese parents behind him who are anxious to lose control of him, they cannot control their children by their own means, and can only use external forces to turn children into obedient "good babies".
Chinese families value kinship but lack a sense of boundaries.
To get rid of controlling parents, the first thing to do is to firmly demarcate the boundaries, that is, to take responsibility for their actions and pay for their choices.
Be clear about what is your own business and what is someone else's business, and keep your boundaries.
As parents, when the child is still young, we must cultivate his independent hands-on ability, as long as the child can do things, resolutely do not do it. Don't use the excuse of being distressed and afraid of the child taking a detour to fill all the private space of the child with deep affection.
What parents need to control most is not the child, but the heart that thinks it is good for the child.
British psychologist Claire once said: The real success of parents is to let the child separate from your life as an independent individual as soon as possible. The sooner this separation, the more successful you will be.
A child's perfect life is to have the right to choose.
A child who can decide his own life is happy because he has the freedom to choose his own life.
A parent who can let his child make his own choices is wise, because they give up their desire for control and dare to let their children live their own lives.
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