A mantra is a phrase that a person habitually or unconsciously often says.
Habitual or unconscious manifestations, often reflect a person's behavior patterns and psychological states,
This has to do with the personality, life experience, or mood of the mantra user.
Mantras not only take on the characteristics of the individual, but often affect how the people around them feel about the person and how they interact with him.
For example, some people's mantras are "casual" and "it doesn't matter." Then when we get along with such a friend, we will have a general feeling: he is more easy-going or may not be assertive. Then, when getting along with such friends, maybe we will also be more relaxed, or take the initiative to help him make choices or take care of everything.
Everyone has their own mantra to a greater or lesser extent, and the habitual, often said to the child without thinking about it, can be called the mantra of parents. I don't know if we have noticed that among the mantras that parents say to their children every day, are there more positive effects or more negative harm?
Different types of mantras
Category 1, comparative type.
Classic line: others can do it, why can't you do it; you look at the results of so-and-so, you look at yourself;
scenario:
Mom and Dad took Xiaoming to the kindergarten carnival, watching the children on the stage perform, Dad said: "You look at people, how good is the dance, why don't you go up to perform?" Bob said, "I won't jump." Dad said, "Everyone else can jump, why can't you learn..." Bob was speechless.
analyse:
Comparing their own children with other people's children is a common problem for many parents. Some parents often use comparative mantras to remind or imply that their children are always inferior to others or inferior to others. After 99 points on the test, there are still a hundred points; a hundred points, and a grade ranking; finally the child gets the first place in the grade, and finally there is no pride. In short, it is to let the child know that you are always not good enough. However, such an education method is easy for children to form excessive and extreme personality characteristics.
Perhaps the original intention of parents is not to make children proud, but the information received by children will feel that they will never be as good as other people's children in the eyes of their parents, and children will lack a sense of security. Because we have to shop around for things we buy, and we don't want things that are not good enough, the child's subconscious will have a fear of being abandoned by their parents at any time.
I would like to ask, with such fear of learning, how can the learning effect be played well? Even if this child is very talented and studies hard, his life will always be in a state that is not good enough. Even if he achieves excellent results, it is difficult for him to experience the joy of learning and the thrill of success, because for him, it is just a bitter medicine to relieve the pressure of this round of examinations.
In addition, in the psychological state of unwillingness and disbelief, children may use self-harm or some excessive behaviors to gain the attention of parents.
Because of the mental illnesses and problems caused by grades, clinical work in psychological counseling is often encountered. For example, if your child's test scores are not satisfactory, he or she does not want to go to school again. Ostensibly because of grades, but in fact the pressure behind grades, poor grades do not seem to deserve the love of parents. Therefore, once the child's grades are not satisfactory, through the development of various psychosomatic diseases or behavioral problems, the parents' attention will shift to symptoms and behaviors, and they will not care about the grades as much as before. This is called the secondary benefit of symptoms, which is simply to obtain outside attention, recognition, and compensation for the usual unsatisfied symptoms through certain symptoms. More seriously, some children will look for short-sightedness because they care too much about grades and fail exams, and even kill classmates because their classmates are better than themselves in exams.
Every child is a unique individual, and comparing a child to everyone else is actually hypnotizing the child: you are not a good enough person. When parents say such a mantra to their children, they are telling their children all the time: You can never do it.
I suspect that this should not have been the intention of the parents. Since we know that there are so many disadvantages to the comparison, we don't have to develop on the short board, we can also make a fuss about the advantages. For man is flexible and free. Discover the strengths of your child, and then enlarge his advantages, do not arbitrarily compare your own children with others, but guide your children, encourage and support him to face the challenges of growth.
Category 2, control type.
The control type is divided into soft control and hard control.
Soft control classic line: I'm all for your own good; there's nothing wrong with listening to mom.
Hard control classic line: I say no, I can't do it; I count to three... I'm your dad.
scenario:
Winter vacation, the children are playing downstairs, Xiaoming also wants to play with friends. I asked my dad if I could do it, and my dad said, "Is your homework done?" Hurry up and write your homework. "Xiaoming and his father discussed, go down to play first, because it is rare to have so many friends together, come back and write homework." Dad disagreed: "If I say no, I can't do it." "There is absolutely no room for negotiation.
Xiaoming was a little angry, thinking that his father was unreasonable, and after writing homework for a while, he went to ask his mother. Mom said, "Well, take advantage of the holidays, we must not only finish our homework, but also review and prepare, otherwise how can we surpass other students." Xiaoming still wanted to play, and her mother said, "I'm doing this for your own good, and there's nothing wrong with listening to my mother." "Dad is not reasonable there, Mom can't even take advantage of herself here, Xiaoming is speechless."
analyse:
Whether soft or hard, the core meaning is: You have to listen to me.
When the child is young, maybe this one is quite useful, but as the child grows up and the self-awareness becomes stronger, the conflict between parents and children will increase.
Just like the previous hit TV series "Little Joy", there is a girl named Ying Zi, who has been very obedient since she was a child, has a good academic performance, and is the kind of other people's children. Still, she couldn't avoid her mother's mantra: I'm all for your own good.
Ying Zi has moderate depression because of the pressure, she came to Shenzhen alone with her parents on her back, and later found by her parents, she is on the verge of extreme collapse, and in a moment of urgency, she jumped on the railing and wanted to jump into the river. Mom said to Hideko, "Come down, you tell Mom and Dad it's okay, don't stand there." Hideko said loudly, "How can I tell you, you have always decided my life based on your own ideas." As a result, mom's mantra still appeared: "Mom wants to be good for you." Hideko couldn't help but shout, "That's all you think, have you ever thought about what I really want in my heart?" ”
The original intention of parents is of course to be good for their children, after all, they are people who have come over and do not want their children to take the wrong road, so they want to give their children the most correct direction. But what children receive is often the feeling that their parents have deprived them of their experience of life. Once parent-child relationships become a battleground for power, conflicts over choices continue to flow. Even if the parents' choices are correct, the child will do the opposite. Children do not just want to do it to their parents, but hope to take this opportunity to enable parents to understand that they want to have more experiences of life, which are not only right and right, but also wrong and absurd, because life is about choice. A life with choices, even if it is wrong, is your own experience; without the right to choose, even if it is right, it is only the right puppet.
The mantra of parents on the control of their children will present two situations, one is excessive control, and the other is poor control, which will lead to two adverse effects on the child.
First, children who are overcontrolled. It is the control of parents who say one thing and two things, soft and hard, and the child is weak and helpless. Such children often become unsystematic, dare not explore, and dare not express their emotions and ideas, and are prone to form a flattering personality, so that children have a fear of authority. This will make the child dare not compete and be afraid of competition in the future workplace, because he will always be the one who is tamed and controlled, lacks his own strength and judgment, and always follows the ass of others.
Second, poor control over the child. It is often the parents who want to control the child at the beginning, but in the face of the parents' control, the child continues to make trouble, and finally the parents compromise unprincipledly. This will make the child realize that the original interaction with people is to make trouble, and to achieve the goal is to make trouble. Such children often become unaware of how to properly express their needs and emotions, which can easily cause tension in interpersonal relationships. At the same time, it may also lead to children's rebellion against the instinct of authority. Whether the leader is right or wrong, he must be in opposition, not for the sake of things, but to correct the mistakes of childhood. Because the past was always controlled hard and the resistance was not complete, now that I have strength, I will find a symbolic character to express the emotions of the past. These are not conducive to the development of an individual's career.
The sooner the child is trial and error, the more the child will have the right choice, which is the lowest cost. Children learn and grow in mistakes. Parents only need to support and understand their children when they encounter mistakes and setbacks, support him to face and understand his choices. Parent-child relationships are not battlefields of power.
Category 3, negative.
The negative type is divided into the negation of emotional feelings and the negation of the value of ability.
The classic line that negates emotions: cry what to cry; know to cry, don't cry; how can you be so timid.
The classic line of negative ability: what is there to be afraid of; negative ability: how can you be so stupid; how can you be so careless; he is just not good at math; he is just inattentive....
scenario:
Xiaoming wanted to eat his own rice, but accidentally broke the bowl, and Xiaoming cried sadly. Dad said, "It's okay to cry, don't cry." You can't take a bowl well, how can you be so stupid. ”
Every time Xiaoming's mother talks to people about the topic of children's learning, she always intentionally or unintentionally brings up a sentence: "Xiaoming in our family is not good at mathematics." Every time Xiaoming heard his mother say this, he felt embarrassed, and Xiaoming's mathematics was getting worse and worse.
analyse:
Many parents show "like" to deny their children, and many parents feel that how can they motivate their children to become better without attacking their children. Some parents also call it the Radical Law. Perhaps the original intention of parents is to arouse their children's fighting spirit, but in fact it is more of a blow than an incentive.
I remember once going to a ballet performance, and when I left, a little girl next to me also tiptoed up and tried to learn the ballet movements and danced. She excitedly said to her father, "Daddy, look, I'm a little swan." Then Dad said, "You're a chicken dancing." "The girl's interest was gone. Maybe the dad was just joking, but he didn't know that such a joke negated the child's efforts.
A situation like this, a mantra like this, not only negates the child's current feelings, but also directly denies the child's ability.
And we're all very familiar with it: you don't study hard to get into college, and you go to ask for food later. This can lead to the child always learning in a state of anxiety, fear of becoming a beggar who wants food in the future. When learning is not good one day, the child's psychological pressure will be very large, and if you don't carry it over, you will be depressed, or you will find a short-sightedness, which often appears in some children who have a strong sense of self-esteem who learn well. The child with average academic performance may admit his fate and feel that he is like this, and it will not be much better.
Just like the girl who learned to dance ballet, she was so excited to explore, but in her father's eyes, it was a chicken dancing. Her originally stimulated interest, enthusiasm for exploration, and motivation to learn have slowly decreased.
Parents are a symbol of authority for children. Now the authoritative figures have repeatedly diagnosed me: I will be a meal in the future. The child will subconsciously prepare a bowl for himself in advance in the heart, so that he can use it when he "asks for food" in the future.
Some children will gradually develop a sense of incompetence in learning for some reason in the learning process, and gradually become less and less confident. There are three main reasons: giving children too high learning goals, premature knowledge transfer, and too many negative and negative hints.
Some parents, do not consider the child's mental development level and seedlings to promote growth, too high learning goals make children unbearable, the more they learn the more they feel that they have failed; premature knowledge transfer beyond the child's cognitive level, reducing interest in learning; at this time, many parents also have a round of mantra to mend the knife: how are you so stupid.
Therefore, the child silently agreed with this statement, and it turned out that he was very stupid. Over time, children may become timid and inferior, think they can do nothing, think they are really stupid, and eventually develop learned helplessness.
Learned helplessness is a feeling of helplessness that people are prone to when faced with a condition that can never be changed. Over time, even if environmental factors change, it is still difficult to get out of this feeling of helplessness. Like the lions and tigers of the circus, even if the cage door is open, they do not dare to come out, because their hearts are already ready for a "bowl for rice".
A child's belief in life is planted by his parents, and a lie that is told a thousand times can become the truth.
The radical method may be useful for some children at some times, but the child prefers to have the encouragement and support of his parents when he encounters difficulties and setbacks, and even if he behaves like a mess, he is still the best child in the eyes of his parents.
Category 4, complaining type.
Classic line: All blame you; if it weren't for you....
scenario:
When Xiaoming's father came home, he happened to see Xiaoming running barefoot on the floor, and then jumped on the sofa, leaving footprints on the sofa. Because the work was not going well, Xiaoming's father was in a bad mood, so he yelled at Xiaoming loudly: "I blame you." Noisy and noisy, affecting my work all day. ”
analyse:
If it weren't for you, I don't know how well I'm living right now; if it weren't for you, I would have been divorced a long time ago.... Many parents often unconsciously transfer their emotional pressure to their children when their marital relationships are not handled well, or because the workplace is not going well.
Everyone has multiple identities and roles, both as parents and as husband and wife, clerk, and boss. These identities and roles can bring us gains, but also create stress. When our marriage fails and our careers go well, we tend to doubt ourselves: Am I really bad? Having these psychological pressures is a common human condition. It's just that sometimes we may accidentally use our children as an outlet for emotions.
When we are in life, facing all kinds of pressures and breathless, when we return home to see that the child is still so naughty, the homework has not been completed... At this time, the child's various "bad" performances seem to mean that I, as a parent, have not done a good job, which arouses the frustration in the hearts of parents. So we will unconsciously say: all blame you....
But sometimes, our performance may be different. Imagine that if you are proud of your career, maybe you see your child running around in the living room, and you will feel that your child is particularly energetic, especially makes you happy, and simply inherits your excellence.
The mantra of complaining parents may initially be just to release their emotional stress. However, inadvertently making the child feel that life is a heavy feeling will make the child feel guilty. Because children may not be able to clearly distinguish between what is objective and what is subjective. Why is it that the last time I ran barefoot at home, my father came back and kissed and hugged, and this time he came back and hit and scolded, and the child would be confused.
In the long run, children will identify with their parents' unreasonable complaints, and they may feel: It's all my fault, I made my parents angry again, why am I so stupid, why I can't meet my parents' expectations, it's because I, Mom and Dad are so unhappy.... The child will therefore revolve around the emotions of the parents and become the caregivers of the parents. Such a child may be particularly old, but also live a particularly heavy life.
Remember, don't let your mantra become a heartache for your child.
Author: Wu Zaitian, psychological counselor, psychological columnist, author of "What Kind of Children Dare to Succeed", "Inner Awareness", "Live Life to Yourself"