Good parents don't need to be perfect, but be honest

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Estimated reading time is 7 minutes

After becoming parents, parents face this new life and give themselves various responsibilities:

Take good care of your child's diet and living to ensure that he grows up healthy and safe;

Teach children the truth, cultivate habits, and supervise learning;

Helping children grow into a good, ethical, educated person...

In order to give their children the best, parents are demanding more and more of themselves and hope to try their best to be a perfect parent.

However, as long as it is a person, there will be limitations. Whether it is from the deep-rooted influence of the original family, or the inadequacy of their own cognitive thinking, in the process of educating their children, parents will more or less, there will always be some mistakes and powerless times.

This is quite normal.

It is enough to give up the illusion of perfection, to be an ordinary parent, and to try to do a little better within your own ability.

Children don't need perfect parents, but honest parents.

Honest parents mean being honest with their children and being honest with themselves.

01

Be honest with your child:

Admit that your emotions are out of control

Instead of saying "I'm for your own good"

Emotional management has always been a difficult issue in the process of educating children.

In life, such scenes are often staged:

Parents are physically and mentally tired and in a poor mood due to trivial matters in life and work, and it is easy to erupt when they face their children's disobedience and poor performance, and they will lose their temper and yell at their children.

In order to maintain the absolute correctness of parents, parents are often reluctant to admit their mistakes, but in the name of "love", they push the responsibility on their children:

"Mom said you for your own good."

"Whoever makes you disobedient will make you angry with me."

"I just beat you when I want you to be good, if you're not my child, I don't care about you."

In such an explanation, young children mistakenly think that they are not good, parents will be angry, every time parents lose their temper, they will feel that it is their own fault, full of guilt, passively responsible for their parents' emotions.

Slowly, children begin to become sensitive, learn to observe the color, suppress their feelings and needs, and strive to perform well, obediently and sensibly, in exchange for the happiness and satisfaction of their parents.

This is a kind of suppression of the child's vitality, which is not conducive to the child's mental health and character development.

Just like in the movie "Dog Thirteen", a thirteen-year-old girl Li Play has a pet dog that was accidentally lost by her grandfather, and she is very sad and desperate to look for it everywhere.

The adults found a very similar dog to trick Li Play into finding it, but Li Play knew that it was not his own dog. The adults' incomprehension and deception exacerbated Li Play's anger and rebellion.

In the process of looking for the dog, Grandpa accidentally broke his leg, Grandma, who had never been out, went out and got lost, coupled with the uncomfortable atmosphere that had been solidified in the family for a long time, Dad blamed these on Li's ignorance, and he was angry and beat Li to play.

Late at night, the guilt-ridden dad said to Li Play:

"Dad beat you because he loved you, and when you grow up, you will understand."

Dishonest parents interpret their mistakes and inappropriate behavior as "love", and weak children are bound by "love" and carry responsibilities that did not belong to him, lose their child's innocence, and are forced to grow up.

As an honest parent, you should clearly understand your emotions, learn to think about the source of emotions, strive to make positive adjustments, and be responsible for your emotions.

If you do not control your emotions and lose your temper with your child, be honest and tell your child the reason and apologize to your child. Like what:

"Mom has been in a bad mood recently because of work, so I can't help but lose my temper with you, I'm sorry."

Parents are honest enough, can face their hearts, admit that it is their own problem, apologize in time, the harm to the child will be reduced a lot, and it will be more able to win the respect and trust of the child.

02

When you can't satisfy your child, tell him the real reason

Instead of denying his needs

Many people have had this experience in childhood:

When you tell your parents that you want something, you get blamed:

"Mom and Dad work so hard to make money, how can you ask for something so expensive?"

"Our family is on this condition, you have to understand something."

Psychological studies have shown that if the needs of childhood are not well met, or if there is a problem with the way parents meet their children, it will affect the child's thinking patterns and personality development after growth.

The request is not met, but is criticized for not wanting, not understanding, over time, the child is easy to have a sense of psychological scarcity, with a lifetime.

When they grow up, in the face of some good things, they often feel that they are unworthy and unworthy; they dare not show their true desires and needs, and they are very depressed.

When parents can satisfy their children, they are happy to be satisfied. Because of limited conditions, or do not want to satisfy the child, you should honestly tell the child why:

"I think it's too expensive to afford for the time being."

"I already have something like this at home and I don't want to buy it anymore."

Children whose needs are not met may be sad, but they will understand that they are limited by objective conditions, and they will not deny themselves, and their psychology will develop healthily.

Regardless of whether you can meet the child, parents should send this message to the child: your needs are reasonable and good, you deserve all the beautiful and precious things; the needs that cannot be met now can be achieved through their own efforts.

Only in this kind of education can we raise children with a high sense of self-worth and positivity.

03

Be honest with yourself:

Face your own life problems

Instead of transferring to the child

After some parents have children, they give up their own growth, and pin their unfinished life tasks and unfulfilled wishes on their children and count on their children to complete them.

They tie themselves to their children together, as if they can prove their worth by raising their children to be excellent and successful.

Such parents often lack a sense of security in their hearts, are prone to anxiety, have too much control, and have great expectations and strict requirements for their children.

In the TV series "Little Joy", Song Qian is such a parent, after the divorce, she put all her life focus on her daughter Yingzi.

In order to help Hideko prepare for the college entrance examination, she quit her job as a "gold medal physics teacher" and surrounded her daughter wholeheartedly, strictly controlling all kinds of small things in Hideko's study and life.

She replaced one of the walls of Hideko's room with glass, opened the curtains, and could see her daughter's studies at any time; deprived Hideko of all interests and hobbies other than studying, confiscated Lego, and forbade Hideko from participating in the planetarium's voluntary commentary...

During the college entrance examination, Ying Zi decided to apply for the Astronomy Department of Nanjing University, and as a result, Song Qian privately modified her volunteers. Hideko, who learned the truth, broke down and ran to the beach to jump into the sea.

Looking at her daughter's pained look, Song Qian cried and said:

"Mom's all for your own good."

Eiko hysterically shouted out what she had always wanted:

"I don't have to go to NTU, I just want to run away from you."

A body can only accommodate one personality. When parents always impose their own ideas on their children and let them act according to their own wishes, children are burdened with the life problems of two people, and their bodies and minds will be overwhelmed and prone to problems.

When parents are honest enough, brave enough to face their own life problems, do not use their children as tools to realize their wishes, and respect the child's independent personality, children can be physically and mentally healthy and live out their true selves.

Such a boundary-based parent-child relationship will be healthier and more intimate.

In the face of their own life problems, parents need to find the source of their anxiety and uneasiness, is it not confident enough in themselves, not satisfied with the existing life?

Through their own efforts, find ways to overcome and solve problems, and grow up with children.

04

Accept your true feelings and don't demand perfection

A parent once consulted and said:

"I went to work for a busy day, physically and mentally exhausted, but the child did not see his mother for a day, always wanted his mother to play with him, sometimes he was too tired to accompany the child, and he felt very guilty, and he felt that he was not a good mother."

Such parents are not in the minority.

In fact, when parents realize that they are not in a good state and do not have the heart to take care of their children, adults can honestly accept their feelings and allow themselves to have moments that they do not want to do and cannot do.

At these times, you can let yourself rest for a while, or ask your family for help, and when your energy is restored, you can spend time with your child wholeheartedly.

When rejecting the child, gently tell him why:

"Mom is too tired today, I'm afraid it's easy to lose my temper when I play with you, wait for Mom to rest well, come back to you, okay?"

If parents feel guilty about rejecting their children, choose to suppress themselves, and force a smile, the energy at this time is very low, and even show negative energy, it is easy to be angry when accompanying children, because their "sense of sacrifice" leads to increased desire for control, and the quality of companionship is greatly reduced.

Moreover, parents force themselves, not willingly and wholeheartedly, and it is difficult for children to have a link with their parents.

The educator Montessori once said:

"Children have their own spiritual embryos, when we have small flaws in our performance, the child is not as fragile as we think, on the contrary, a certain degree of frustration is a life problem he must face, for the 'imperfect' thing, the best starting point for adaptation is his parents." 」

The "imperfection" of parents creates a real growth environment for children: the external world cannot always be comprehensive, and all kinds of needs can be met.

Children have the opportunity to learn to deal with their emotions and experience "frustration", which is also a growth gain.

Therefore, parents honestly face their feelings, accept themselves, and face their children in a better state by letting go and resting, which is a better choice for both parents and children.

The source of this article | Qian Zhiliang Studio

Responsible editor| Kong Meng