In 2018, the movie "Dog Thirteen" was released, and the film told the helpless growth history of Li Play, a young girl in the flower season.
Li Play's parents divorced very early, she lived with her grandparents, and in the Chinese-style education of "to be obedient", Li Play was "bound" by almost all her relatives with emotion.
When Li Play needed to make a choice in the physics and astronomy interest group, her father forced her to sign up for the English interest group out of "for her own good";
When Li played his beloved dog "Einstein" accidentally lost, the family just brought another puppy of the same breed, claiming that it was the one that was lost, and no one understood the girl's psychological feelings;
So doesn't Li Play's family care about her?
Of course, the answer is no, even the stepmother has never scolded Li Play, or even carefully pleased her, although the father is grumpy, but there is no lack of love for Li Play in words and actions.
Although almost everyone is for Li Play under the banner of "good for you", everything he says and does is excusable, but what is presented is a typical "Chinese-style education" - parents should dedicate themselves to their children, but children should also obey the wishes of their parents and become "good children" in the large population.
However, for children, obedience under the "power" of parents is actually a pathological symbiotic relationship between parents and children. In the perspective of psychology: although the child's rebellion often makes parents feel very "uncomfortable", this is an inevitable process towards maturity, and the child gradually realizes ideological independence and personality perfection through rebellion, and becomes a truly mature person.
Parental control is too strong, will make children feel "suffocated"
Perhaps many "Chinese parents" seem that I arrange my life and pave the way for my children, which is the responsibility of parents, and children should have a grateful heart.
But in fact, such an education method of parents is only a manifestation of "strong control", and children living in it will only feel "suffocated".
Last year, the well-known idol Wu Yifan was detained, and countless people were shocked at why he caused such a catastrophe, which is in fact closely related to his mother's education style.
Wu Yifan grew up in a single-parent family, immigrated to Canada with her mother very early, perhaps due to the unfortunate marriage experience, Wu's mother put all her attention on the child, she hopes that Wu Yifan can be admitted to a prestigious university, step by step to become a doctor, and set very strict standards: not only require Wu Yifan to go home from school on time, but also ask him to report everything every day.
There is a mother with such a strong desire to control, Wu Yifan feels very "suffocated", several attempts to resist but have failed, although finally successfully went to South Korea as a "trainee", and achieved good development in the entertainment industry, but because of the habit of being arranged by his mother since childhood, even if he has grown up, once he encounters things, he will still ask his mother for help at the first time.
In the end, Wu Yifan was finally sent to prison by his mother's own hands, and it was precisely because of his mother's excessive desire to control that he ruined his life.
As a mother, we must know how to actively break away from the "symbiotic relationship"
In psychology, there is an "object relationship theory", which means that the baby will be in a symbiotic relationship with the mother before the age of 3, they do not know that the mother is someone other than "me", at this time the baby is often extremely attached to the mother, seeing the mother as a part of the body.
In this symbiotic relationship, on the one hand, due to human physiological instincts, on the other hand, due to role identification and psychological needs, the mother will unconsciously impose her will on the baby's body and produce a desire to control.
Therefore, when the baby gradually transfers the attachment to the mother to other objects, we must know how to actively break away from such a "symbiotic relationship", let the child establish contact with society, and learn the rules of the world, otherwise once such a transition is not completed, it will evolve into a "sick" symbiotic relationship and affect the child's life.
Realizing self-worth is more important than focusing on the growth of children
After giving birth, some mothers will focus all their attention on the child, completely regard the child as their emotional sustenance, and even gradually lose their own life, unconsciously becoming harsh on the child.
In fact, too much intervention in the growth of children will only unconsciously give children emotional restraints and fall into the strange circle of "too much control", and we can only make children excellent if we become the best of ourselves first.
When the child's self-awareness awakens, we may wish to try to shift the focus of life, strive to manage the marriage relationship, social interpersonal relationship, and focus more on self-growth, rather than always having high hopes for the child and trying to control its growth trajectory.
For children, the first step towards maturity is actually to gradually get rid of the dependence on parental control, trying to make parents "uncomfortable", such a short "pain" will bring children a broader life.
Crooked Mom Conclusion:
Long Yingtai wrote in "Eye Sending":
"Slowly, slowly, I learned that the so-called parents and children, your fate with him, only means that you and his fate are constantly watching his back in this life and this life." 」
As children grow up, they may never be as close as we were when we were children, but this just represents the real growth of children, and the highest state of parenthood is actually to learn to let go.
Today's topic: Do you have parents around you who have a strong desire to control their children?
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