1. The old classmates were guests, specially went to the small supermarket to get a box of soft cigarettes, 65 yuan a box, I gave 100 yuan, but the cashier beauty found me 88 yuan. I was secretly happy in my heart, and I took the money

1. The old classmates were guests, specially went to the small supermarket to get a box of soft cigarettes, 65 yuan a box, I gave 100 yuan, but the cashier beauty found me 88 yuan. I was secretly happy in my heart, took the money and left! When I got to my old classmates, I took out my cigarette and said to him, Soft China to smoke one! The old classmate took a look at it, smiled and said: "Brother Long, why are you worse than me?" I smoked $13! I took a closer look at the cigarette, I came and went, the man lost his hair, this deadpool killed me, she brought me the 12 pieces of Hardmen that I often smoked!

2. One night I drank outside and forgot the corridor password when I came home, so I called the security guard. He asked solemnly, "How do you prove that you are the owner?" I said, "Open the door for Lao Tzu!" The security guard said, "Prove it to Lao Tzu." I shouted, "Beanie." A dog's head popped out of the balcony, and I said, "Bark." "So Bean Bean shouted, causing the next door to be called, causing the black back to cry on the other side... In the blink of an eye, the community was noisy, and the lights were lit. The security guard wore his suit and said, "This proof is too noisy and powerful." "Hurry up and open the door!!!!!

3. I went to a class reunion, and many of my classmates were drunk. Before leaving, everyone sent the drunk home separately. There was still one female student left, so I had to drive to drop her off. Because he was afraid that his girlfriend would misunderstand, he did not tell her about it. Early the next morning, I drove my girlfriend to work and suddenly noticed a woman's shoe at her feet. So I took advantage of my girlfriend's look out the window and quickly picked up the shoe and threw it out the window, which was a relief. When she got to her girlfriend's company, she yelled, "Huh? What about my other shoe? ”

4. The husband was a regional manager in Shunf, and after retirement, he opened a courier company on his own. Because of the lack of people, I quit my job as a green executive to help him. After opening the business, I have been helping him receive goods in the warehouse in the old man's shop. When I go to work today, there are beautiful women with plump and slightly fat bodies to deliver the goods. I asked: How many pounds? The beautiful woman's face immediately turned red, and she said shyly: Handsome man, how many pounds are you asking me? How can this be said? Fat point Wanfu! I said helplessly: Beauty, I am asking how many pounds of your goods there are!

5. Today Friday, I went to high school accommodation and can finally go home. In the corridor, I helped a grandmother carry her luggage to the 5th floor, and I was slowing down to stop on the 10th floor. Grandma said, "Thank you, boy." Do you smoke or not?" Me: "Yes, I smoke, thanks." Granny: "No wonder, I'm still breathless when I go up the stairs at a young age."

6. I was just a housewife before, and my life has been changed since I became a micro-business.

I think I have been married for 10 years, have children, I am idle to earn much more than my husband, the annual salary of 500,000! Because of the opening of the company, I tried my husband, let him put the year-end bonus to me, I helped him manage his finances, dead or alive, just turned his face.

I was desperate for a while, now all the expenses in the family are my payment, I will care about his year-end bonus, his pocket money is all I give.......

7. Invite buddies to help me bargain and stumble upon him having only 5 contacts. I laughed at his lack of friends, but he smiled and said: You can find someone to dial it. I called a contact, and he picked up the phone: There's a bit of an emergency to call me 10,000 yuan to use. As a result, in less than 5 minutes, the text message reminded him that the bank card 20,000 was deposited. I blushed and said ashamedly: I get it! He said: You don't understand. After saying that, he blacked out the man!

8. Work part-time as a waiter in a hot pot restaurant with your roommate on college weekends. A guest asked to stir the bottom of the pot with chopsticks that day. The housemate stirred and stirred, felt really fragrant, and conveniently clipped a chopstick to eat! All the guests at the table were stunned, and they all looked at their colleagues in an instant. Then I saw my roommate pretending to be noble and cold and saying: I will try it first!

9. This morning, there were a lot of people in the breakfast shop downstairs of our house, so a young couple and I shared a table and sat across from me. The girls were very good-looking, so I looked at them twice more, and I didn't expect to be discovered by the boys. He snapped a Volkswagen car key on the table to scare me! So I put a Ferrari car key, Cadillac and Lincoln, and several car keys I threw on the table, and the man led the woman away... Really, you and I have a key to what to pack!

10. My cousin took two bottles of Moutai wine to my house as a guest on the weekend, and after coming in, he teased my girlfriend: Uncle asked you, how much is 3+3 equal?

Girlfriend: 8.

Cousin: What is the 4+4 equal?

Girlfriend: 10.

My cousin shouted at me: Oh no, your girlfriend will definitely be amazing in the future!

Me: I don't know how to count, what's wrong?

Cousin: At a young age, he will lie and falsely report data, and this promotion and salary increase will definitely be fast!

2. 11. Since my wife worked in Biguiyuan and was promoted to supervisor, she has been feeling that I am incompetent all day long, and said that my mother is not good and that it is not good. After work today, I just got home and she muttered again. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I said to her, "My mother is not good at anything, your mother is fine?" The wife said calmly: "My mother has her daughter-in-law's scolding, what do you care about?" ”

12. In the evening, Fang Zhihua came back very late, his stomach was a little hungry, and he saw that there was half a bag of potato chips in the drawer, so he ate it! In the morning, Fang Zhan was woken up by a clap! When I came out, it turned out to be a Mickey Mouse who had died under the broom of Shi Tai. The little monk saw that Fang Had come out and fiercely made up a kick on Mickey Mouse. Then he glanced at Fang Zhan: Master, see, this is the end of stealing food!

13. Recently, the addiction to smoking has been committed again, but the wife has put the money to death, and there is really no money on hand, so she takes advantage of the wife's bath to take some money to spend. I secretly wiped my wife's bag and began to look for money. It didn't take long to get 100 yuan, and just turned around to see my son standing in the doorway with a smile. The son said slowly: Rest assured Dad, I will not sue, but I want to play back to the mobile phone, and tomorrow the teacher will ask the parents. As soon as I heard it, I patted my chest and said: Give it to your father, give you your mobile phone!

#Funny##搞笑段子 #