01
Whenever I see some marriage stories of sprinkling dog food, or see the story of "other people's husbands", there are always people who will sigh: If my husband has half of the family, I am satisfied!
When we have this mindset, it means that we are passive in our relationships:
My emotions need to be influenced by others, and my mood and anger need to be led by others. I am happy when others coax me, and I am angry when others snub me.
If you're looking forward to a more rapport with your partner, you might want to make a conceptual shift first:
What kind of emotionS I want, then what kind of effort I need
The least costly and most effective way to provide each other with emotional value is to praise each other.
There is an "Aronson effect" in psychology that confirms this.
What it says is that as rewards diminish, people's attitudes become progressively negative. As the reward increases, the attitude of the person will gradually become positive.
Conversely, if you want the other person to have a positive attitude towards us, it is right to increase the reward.
02
When it comes to praising each other, some people will feel that their husbands simply can't make people mouth. Carpet searches don't necessarily find any advantages to boast about.
And we will also feel fear, praising him for what to do if he is proud, and whether his shortcomings will be more reluctant to correct.
Having these concerns is not your fault, but the way we are raised from childhood to adulthood.
Our parents' generation rarely praised us. We have hardly enjoyed the happiness of being praised, the satisfaction of being recognized.
When praising others, it makes us feel uncomfortable and afraid that "pride will make people backward."
But in fact, praise does not make people regress, but also makes people feel empowered and feel like they have been seen.
If we want to provide emotional value with praise, we must cross our own psychological barriers and get out of these misunderstandings.
Myth 1: Praise him, but what about his shortcomings?
The more we reinforce a person's shortcomings, the easier it is for him to break the jar.
May you think back to the shortcomings of the other party, we have been nagging for so many years, has he corrected it?
Shame does not make people progress, and we cannot change a person by repeatedly urging.
On the contrary, accepting the other person's shortcomings and admitting that he is an imperfect person is the most rare.
Who doesn't have flaws? Let him see how touching it is that because I love you as a person, so I accept your flaws and strengths.
Myth 2: Why should I praise him? I couldn't find the pros.
When we say praise, we do not require the other party to have eight-pack abs, but must be full of merit to be worthy of praise.
In life, small trifles, such as small enough for him to help you unscrew the bottle cap, the warmth of the other party bit by bit, are worthy of praise and gratitude.
There is no need to find those advantages that shine into stars, and the spark of a star is enough to burn the plains.
Myth 3: Don't let you feel it, but let him know.
Our cultural practices are restrained and habitually substitute wordless actions for speech.
But in fact, moving and happiness can play a double role.
If you think it doesn't matter if you don't say it, then why say it? Even if he knew, what would be the loss to say it again?
Myth 4: Don't rush to reciprocate.
Many people always think that after I change slightly, the other party should be close to me.
There is a "golden ratio" for happy marriages, with a ratio of positive emotions to negative emotions being 5:1.
That is to say, if we once said something that hurt each other once, we may have to compensate with 5 compliments.
Change will certainly not happen overnight.
What's more, we praise each other in order to learn to appreciate life and let ourselves see the beauty of life, not to "force" the other party to change.
03
Psychologist William James said that the deepest need of human beings may be to be appreciated.
Whether it's for children or partners, the power of praise is enormous.
Speaking of which, how do we actively and effectively praise each other?
First, reject false praise, sincerity is the bottom line.
Many people praise others, only a one-size-fits-all "you are awesome" and "you are the best".
The problem with such praise is that it is not a fact, how can a person be the "best"? And his rod, where is the stick?
When we praise each other, we must be based on truth and sincerity. He must have done something, and then we complimented on those things.
Second, see what the other person does in the eyes, and recognize his/her efforts and value from the bottom of his heart.
In an intimate relationship, don't take what the other person does for granted.
The husband repaired the family's electrical appliances, and the wife made the family's meals, all of which have irreplaceable value.
If you can put gratitude on your lips and magnify the value of the other party, your relationship will get better and better.
For example, if the husband repairs the things at home, the other party can say:
"You fixed this light so quickly, and you always feel very grounded at home."
The wife made a table of meals, and the other party could say:
"You spent the morning cooking for us, and it's so happy that I have such a capable wife as you."
Affirming the efforts and efforts of the other party, the other party is willing to pay more.
Third, when language is scarce, body language keeps up.
If you really don't know what to say, give the other person a hug and hold his hand tightly.
Tell him with action, I am really touched and thank you very much.
We have to get used to it, grasp the small details of life, feel a little bit of our partner's strengths, and then zoom in.
Finally, Zhimei tells you a secret:
If you have been married for more than 5 years, and two people can still praise each other every day to make outsiders feel numb, then you must have a very good relationship!
If you don't believe me, try it!
attack
assemble
Life sea sea,
Sometimes I can't find someone who can tell my heart.
Dear you,
Is there the same moment of helpless confusion?
In the face of a relationship that does not know how to advance and retreat,
Or trapped in a relationship that doesn't handle well,
Or be plagued by hard-to-talk health problems...
Now, you can let go of your anxiety and insecurities
Tell Zhimei about these unhappiness in private messages
Just leave a message to the background (note: confidant column)
Me and my friends
May you be your relief grocery store.
Content production