When you hold one side of the coin, you also hold the reverse side of it.
Text | Chen Dali
Recently, I brushed the Little Red Book and found a phenomenon that surprised me.
What is it, I see 90% of the posts about "marriage anxiety", "single anxiety", "older age anxiety", which are actually written by girls around 25 or 26 years old.
I thought it would be a lot of age to start thinking about anxiety and not anxiety - it is also very funny, everyone on Weibo is "I will never get married in this life, a hundred", but to the little red book, to the individual's life, it is difficult to have broken cans and broken, all have such real doubts about marriage: there is longing, nervousness, escape, "I hope I can be a smooth ordinary majority" also has.
I have been talking about love for a long time, marriage has talked very little, and today I want to talk about how I view marriage as a well-behaved girl who reads step by step, whose life coincides with the trajectory of most people, and who has been a blogger for 6 years and has seen some strange girls.
1, marriage, must occur in the stable stage of your life.
What does this "stability" mean, this stability is that the big questions you face in life are mostly solved, or at least the goal is clear.
At work, it's not that the position is stable — but that you're sure what kind of industry you're in, what kind of life you're in, work-life balance or hard work, and you've chosen it. Or, you have refined enough personal abilities and qualities, even if you change careers, you have the confidence to start over.
In terms of mentality, you have a roughly formed value, in short, you can think independently when things happen, and you have a set of independent thinking about most things, in line with their own individual core of the way of looking. You have some emphasis, some likes and dislikes, and when faced with many choices, you will not make decisions blindly and too emotionally, but you can give your own logic and thus choose what you really fit.
Emotionally, you've mastered the rules of adult behavior, or rather, they've been incorporated into your blood— a sense of boundaries with people, the ability to empathize with each other, the way to build and hold bottom lines and principles... They are all people who want to live on their own, and no one wants to live a family. Therefore, you must be able to avoid unnecessary emotional wear and tear of "inward" in the relationship most of the time, and let two people use the greatest energy to face the challenges of life together.
I have seen many people talking about the entanglement of marriage, and the impression is: in fact, the problem is that the man and the woman do not seem to have grown up. Either the woman compares herself and unrealistically asks for some "decency", regardless of the man's ability to bear it; or the man is cowardly, his family calculates, and he allows both sides to talk and collapse, and he does not dare to stand up and make decisions at all.
Both sides are, even the most basic "objective understanding and responsibility for their own choices" can not be done, is not a stable adult state.
It's like a child fighting about life events, so it's normal not to get into marriage.
2, the marriage market is very cruel.
I'm not trying to instill age anxiety... I just want to tell some really big truths.
When I fell in love in college, I felt that the boys I liked were ordinary ordinary people, and later matured a little (especially after entering the society in the past two years) to find that in a not bad undergraduate study, urban hukou, height (175 and above), normal personality (note, just normal), senior resume to go to the ordinary company to work the salary of the boy - is already a high-quality boy in the marriage market.
College seems to be full of campuses, but a few years after graduation, you will find that they are magically digested, and this time you look for them in society, the lower limit is pulled to a very "lower", you may encounter all kinds of things that you can't accept: junior high school education, no formal job, gambling debts...
I'm not saying that you have to fall in love early when you're young, I'm just trying to tell the younger girls among the people who pay attention to me out of the heart, and that's the way it is, and as for how to do it, you can decide for yourself.
Maybe I'd be scolded for saying this, but I've often thought that if you really haven't reached the level of ten thousand percent certainty not to get married, it must be good to know some information about the field you're going to be exposed to.
So I also encourage girls who are more certain to enter marriage in the future, they can learn more about the current situation in advance - the situation is very complicated, need to collect information, different industries are different, and different levels of cities are different. This is not to hate marriage, this is to try to make the right decision in the future.
A friend I know, when she was twenty-three or four years old, told many people that she "wanted to talk about a relationship until marriage", and actively mobilized her high school friends, college classmates, and even elders in the family to help her introduce, with clear goals and strong action, I did not feel that there was anything wrong.
It's like I'm buying a house, and I don't really know much about real estate before I buy it. The year I started looking at the house, I knew almost nothing: old or broken or new? Suburb or downtown? Priority subway or school district on a limited budget? What kind of community needs to be protected from lightning?
Whatever you decide to do, don't be a sheep who knows nothing. With information and basic points of view, you have a place to do things.
So...... After buying a house, I began to pay attention to a group of real estate KOLs and began to read various real estate analysis "make-up lessons".
3, whether married or not, it is like people drinking cold and warm self-knowledge.
Everyone must engrave this sentence into the lungs: love is an absolute luxury, how luxurious, there will be some people, a lifetime can not meet.
Under this premise, there are many kinds of life ecology:
A very small number of lucky people marry people who love and are very suitable; some people marry the right people who can live a life but do not love each other, no longer have the anxiety of "entering marriage", but often perceive boredom and sadness; some people insist on not marrying, avoiding the cumbersome homework or dog blood with another person, clean and relaxed, but also need to face uneasiness and doubt alone.
Not being loved, or not encountering love, is a very normal thing at all - you must turn your head around from the atmosphere of everyone in the idol drama, in real life, or that sentence, love is an absolute luxury.
Therefore, you have to be clear that there is a certain possibility that everything will not go as you wish, even in old age.
Some chicken soup (although I also write chicken soup, but I still have to say) is really quite unrealistic, will write some "improve yourself to meet better people / single for a long time because it deserves a particularly good person" and the like, in fact, whether you can meet a reliable person who has a love between you is purely a matter of luck.
Just like the lottery, there are always people who have been unlucky, can't shake, and then quit. Or shake an unsatisfactory one, will be on it.
So, make a decision, be rational, and don't be fooled by too many slogans.
I say this because I am afraid that everyone who pays attention to me, when encountering love or marriage is not going well, because I have read too many online remarks, and regard "not marrying" as the most supreme solution - not marrying is not so noble, and it is not as heavenly on earth as it is said on the Internet, which is an ordinary way to exit. I don't have a clear statement about how it must be, I just hope that any choices people make are based on reality and deliberate. Before making any decision, think hard about what it will bring to your life.
Most importantly, be aware that all options have two sides and a cost.
When you hold this side of the coin, you also have the opposite side of it.
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Figure | "One Day"