In the psychological counseling of children and adolescents, we often receive some children who come to adjust due to behavioral problems, such as procrastination, grinding, passive resistance and other behaviors.
In the face of such behaviors of their children, many parents have tried various educational methods - bitter mouth, Duntun teaching, ear to ear, blame, reprimand, and scolding. However, all efforts were thwarted by the child, and the parents fell into helplessness, anxiety, and helplessness for the child.
Guangzhou heard about it psychological counseling center
Interpretation of child and adolescent counselor Ms. Xu Wenjiao
Xiaoyu, first grade of junior high school.
Outside the father, inside the mother, the relationship between father and son is distant, the relationship between mother and son is close, and there are many conflicts. Parents think that their son is smart, has a good IQ, and has high grades, but he is introverted and melancholy, not good at expression, procrastinating, low self-demanding, high requirements for others, poor temper at home, and many emotions.
For psychological counseling, Xiaoyu was more defensive at first, reluctant to interview, and wanted to try sand table counseling.
In the first sandbox, the process was hesitant and repeated, unsure of what he wanted to put and what he could put it, and changed the theme many times. After realizing that time is constantly passing, I become more and more anxious and depressed.
Stabilize their emotions, encourage existing ideas to be presented first, adjust as they go, and put forward difficulties in a timely manner. Xiao Yu tried again, slowly invested, the sand painting gradually plumped up, and the content gradually became clear.
When the hour of consultation came, he could only pause here, and Xiaoyu felt regretful and frustrated, and blamed himself for thinking that he should have been better and faster.
In the second consultation, Xiaoyu reproduced the original mode, and hesitated repeatedly from the beginning of picking sand tools, this also wants, that also wants to try, this is not good enough, that is flawed... It's hard to be satisfied.
In the first few consultations, Xiaoyu was dissatisfied with the outside world, including sand equipment, sand games, school teachers, classmates, etc. But he is also conflicted in his heart, and after realizing that he has too much dissatisfaction, he will blame himself, think that he should not say and think so, think that he also has shortcomings, is not qualified to talk about others, and criticizes himself for being better and better.
On the one hand, he longs to be excellent and become good, on the other hand, he always feels that he can't do it and doesn't do enough, and sometimes he wants to work hard, but he is tired and frustrated in his heart, and he can't lift up.
Parents thought that Xiaoyu was lazy, could not endure hardships, and did nothing, so he cried tired. For example, her mother asked Xiaoyu to review her homework, Xiaoyu reviewed for 10 minutes and played for 30 minutes, her mother thought that she should hurry up and review more, Xiaoyu felt that she had worked hard and was tired. Mom was angry, "You didn't do anything, tired of anything." I take care of you all day long, eat and drink well to serve you, and have to coax you to study, I didn't say tired, what are you tired!"
Xiaoyu is both guilty and angry with his mother, and the guilt is that his mother really works harder than himself; The angry thing is that he really feels hard and tired, and his mother not only does not understand, but also nags all the time.
After losing his temper with his mother, guilt prompted Xiaoyu to want to apologize. After apologizing, I felt that I was tired, and my mother should not say this about herself. One moment I feel that my mother is wrong, the next I feel that I am not good, repeatedly, emotions accumulate, and I can't move and explode.
Another thing that troubles Xiaoyu is that he has been playing mobile phones, playing games, and brushing Douyin more frequently recently. Parents objected, thinking that the end of the semester was approaching, and it was better to review instead of playing with mobile phones! Xiao Yu was angry and blamed himself, knowing that he shouldn't play, but he couldn't help it, and he was upset when he was banned.
The behavior of playing with mobile phones is initiated, and when Xiaoyu has negative emotions, mobile phones become a way to transfer emotions - to free yourself from emotional entanglement with your mother, not to experience guilt and anger towards your mother, to avoid emotional fermentation and can't help but resent your mother and lose your temper with your mother. This goal can be achieved by other healthy emotional regulation methods.
Two weeks later, Xiaoyu played with his mobile phone less often, loved to read extracurricular books, but did not like to review, and his parents were disappointed and anxious. Xiaoyu has a different view on this, thinking that his parents have not changed, he has worked hard and improved, he plays less with his mobile phone, reads more books, has fewer negative emotions, has fewer tantrums, is more active, and has his own motivation and ideas.
Xiaoyu recognizes his own changes, and he also appreciates the sand paintings he created. During the counseling process, from time to time, self-affirmation and self-appreciation, "Well, I think this position is great" "Look, put them up like this, isn't it particularly XX feeling".
Xiaoyu is constantly strong, in the early stage of consultation, he has a lot of dissatisfaction with himself, others, and the outside world, and has a lot of emotions, always thinking that he is unable to satisfy the people around him, afraid that others will pick on him and pick on others first.
Now he can like himself, his own satisfaction increases, he trusts his efforts and abilities, his aggression is sublimated, he is more confident and gentle, and he is less dissatisfied with the outside world; In the consultation, create sand paintings at your own pace, self-control becomes stronger, want to be fast, want to slow and slow, not as out of control and anxious as before... These internal changes have given him more confidence and motivation to be positive.
In terms of parent consultation, the mother takes Xiaoyu full-time, and "bringing up the child" has become her requirement for herself and the "explanation" to her husband. While loving Xiaoyu, his mother felt uneasy and anxious about his growth and always felt "not good enough":
This kid wasn't good enough →→ this kid should have been better
This child is not obedient enough →→ this child should have been more obedient
This kid didn't try hard enough →→ this kid could have worked harder
This child has not a good enough personality →→ this child could have had a better personality
This child is not likable enough →→ this child could have been more likeable
Even, "I have accepted your shortcomings in this regard, why can't you be better in that regard" ...
These "not good enough" make children's self-confidence damaged and stressful:
I don't know what makes you really satisfied.
I tried hard, you don't look, you don't feel hard enough.
Haven't I worked hard enough, I did ABCDEF a lot of things, you see.
Am I really slow? I may be such a person, I don't work hard, I work hard.
After doing this, there is the next one, so tired!
……
The mother reflected that she not only often felt that her son was "not good enough", but also had a similar perspective in other aspects: she felt that her husband did not pay enough to the family, did not participate enough in her son's education, and often complained about her husband; feel that her mother is not doing well enough, worry that she has not given her son enough, and often feel guilty and blame herself; I feel that my wife is not good enough, I have not raised my children well, and I am not tolerant and supportive enough of my husband...
A person who experiences "I'm not good enough", even if he is good, can still find a lot of bad and deficiencies. During the consultation, the mother and the child make progress together, recognize themselves more, reduce dissatisfaction and anxiety, and increase satisfaction with their son and husband.
Conclusion of Guangzhou Psychological Counseling
Xiaoyu is still growing, and the current psychological counseling is only part of him. I believe that in a trusting and safe consulting environment, in a stable consulting relationship, Xiaoyu will touch himself more deeply and better handle his relationship with himself, with others, and with the world.
In the process of counseling, parents are also gradually changing their expectations of Xiaoyu, learning how to love their children better, and also cultivating and changing their hearts that they are not aware of. I believe that these efforts will eventually pay off!
(Due to the principle of confidentiality of psychological counseling, the personal information related to visitors has been modified.) )
(This article is the original of teacher Xu Wenjiao, who has done original protection, and uses it without permission, and the company reserves the right to pursue it according to law.) ）
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation