Psychological Counseling Guide:
The impact of extramarital affairs on a family is not only for the couple themselves, but also for young children. The divided love and hate, buried in the little heart, has never been seen or repaired.
Today, we will show you a case of child psychological counseling, and we will follow the psychological counselor to see how the love and hate in the hearts of young children are presented and healed after the parents' extramarital affairs.
"Guangzhou heard about it, teacher Xu Wenjiao, child psychological counselor of the Psychological Counseling Center:"
(Due to the principle of confidentiality of psychological counseling, the personal information related to visitors has been modified.) )
Little Lisa, a fifth-grader in elementary school, was brought in by her mother for child counseling. The mother divorced because the husband cheated on her, and the couple tossed for more than two years and chose to divorce.
After the divorce, after a year of adjustment in marriage psychological counseling, my mother just came out of the shadows and improved her relationship with her ex-husband.
At this time, the mother suddenly realized that her daughter may also have a psychological shadow because of this matter, and she was worried about the child's mental health, so she took the child to receive psychological counseling.
Little Lisa's life situation: After the divorce, little Lisa lived with her mother, and her father took little Lisa out to play one day a week, but because of the resentment between the husband and wife, her father could sometimes see little Lisa, and sometimes he couldn't.
Little Lisa's social function is normal, she is excellent in learning, and she is deeply liked by teachers. But the mother feels that her daughter's personality is not good enough, although there is no contradiction with classmates, but there are not many close friends; Moreover, disobedient, often confrontation with mother, emotions, sometimes forcing mother to be very mad, and even can't help but beat and scold her daughter.
And afterwards, the mother blamed herself and felt guilty, but she really didn't know how to get along with her daughter, and she couldn't stand her when she loved her.
The mother gave birth spontaneously, because of the lack of milk after childbirth, did not know how to take children, and was busy with work, so when Little Lisa was one year old, she was sent to an early care institution.
Since then, although little Lisa has been living with her parents, the relationship between mother and daughter is not good, and her mother feels that little Lisa is difficult to bring. The early separation also made little Lisa form a contradictory attachment relationship, love and hate, good and bad are more divided. (We'll continue to talk about this and see how this state of mind affects Lisa's intimate relationships.) )
Little Lisa likes sand games, and after the consultant told the setting, she immediately began to lay out her own sand world according to her imagination. Her sandbox was very full, and she felt like the contents were about to overflow, and there could not be a little gap between the sand tools, as if she wanted to stuff everything she wanted.
The feeling this child gives the counselor is that she is afraid of the feeling of "emptiness" inside! Mom also reported that Little Lisa's whole room was stuffed with toys, and when she saw a toy she liked, she had to buy it home immediately, and she had to buy a lot every time, and her parents couldn't change her habit with many methods.
This feeling of stuffing lasted 10 times, and Little Lisa's sandbox began to have some boundaries, order and space appeared, and there were things that she wanted to put in this time, but would say to herself "I'm going to make an XX world with that (some sand tool) next time". Start being able to delay gratification.
There is also an episode here: during a sand table, little Lisa found that a sand tool she liked very much had been damaged by another child, and she was very angry, saying that she would never use that sand tool again. Although she still completed the sand table this time, she deliberately messed up everything when she left.
Before the next consultation, she complained to her mother that she didn't want to come and thought it wasn't fun. After the counselor communicated with her mother, her mother continued to bring little Lisa over for counseling.
During the consultation, the counselor discussed with Little Lisa her feeling of not wanting to come, it turned out that Little Lisa felt that the consultant should know that she liked the sand tool very much and should help her protect it well, but the consultant did not do it, she was disappointed and angry with the consultant.
She projected her hatred on the counselor, and deliberately messed everything up when she left, in fact, she subconsciously wanted to punish the counselor and let the counselor "clean up the mess". Her hatred was strong, and the counselor became a very bad and dark object in her heart, and this punishment persisted in the next 3 consultations.
Then, she found that the counselor treated her as usual, did not "take revenge" on her, did not "abandon" her, and she stabilized a little.
She would test the counselor in counseling, asking many times "Do you remember the last time I got an XX?", "Do you remember the third time I came to play an XX world?" When she finds out that the counselor remembers, she will be at ease.
The counselor continued to interpret that little Lisa wanted the counselor not to forget her, hoping that when she did not come to the consultation, she also existed in the counselor's heart. (Because when she feels like the counselor has forgotten her, she's scared and feels like she doesn't exist.) This is a presentation of the horror fantasies that arose during the early separation. )
When the counselor slowly became a "good object" in her heart, she stopped hating the consultant, stopped leaving a mess for the consultant, and the sand table stabilized.
After that, the sandbox became deep and began to present her relationship with her parents.
In the first stage, she likes her father, hates her mother, and feels that her mother is not good: her mother has a bad temper and often quarrels with her father, which causes her father to leave; I feel that my mother is unable to keep my father, and my mother is not willing to change, and I feel resentful of my mother.
Although the external reality is that her mother takes more care of her, spends more time and energy on her studies and daily care, and her father almost cares about her, in Little Lisa's heart: the love part is invested on her father, and the hate part is projected on her mother,
Therefore, Dad is good and Mom is bad. The feeling in her heart made her unwilling to listen to her mother, and even disgusted and confronted her mother, and her mother was dissatisfied with what she did.
In the second stage, the hatred of my mother changes from fierce to peaceful, and I can see the good parts of my mother, such as it is not easy for my mother to take care of herself, my mother's temper is better, my mother doesn't beat herself, my mother gives me freedom, my mother becomes beautiful, and so on.
The sandbox revolves more around her relationship with her mother, whose image is "on a business trip" and does not appear in her sandbox.
In the third stage, the love for the mother increases, and the hatred is projected more on the father, feeling that the father should not fall in love with the third party, should not abandon the mother and himself, feel that the father is unreasonable and obsessed, fantasize about "burying" the father in the sandbox, and fantasize about the father having an accident.
Her hatred for her father is very strong, and she even wants to kill her father on a psychological level, but she has a strong sense of guilt, and finally makes her father "resurrected". Kill again in the next sandbox and revive again.
This theme lasted 6 times. In reality, she did not want to see her father for a month, unwilling to accept her father's gifts, unwilling to go out with her father, and felt that her father's kindness to her was flattering herself.
In the fourth stage, although she hates her father, the concentration of hatred decreases, it is no longer so strong, and she also has love for her father, and her father's image has become better, but she is full of resentment towards her father's third party, and she expresses many times in the sandbox room that she wants to kill the third party, and simulates various ways to kill the third party, comparing blood and violence.
Even so, it could not resolve the hatred in her heart. The following 8 counseling sessions have been centered on this theme, and the degree has never been stronger, and the counselor once felt as if she was going to hate forever, "this hatred lasts forever", completely overwhelmed by the hatred in her heart, and even ruined her own life.
Mom reflected that her attitude towards her father changed, began to accept her father's gifts, and was willing to hang out with her father, but in the consultation, little Lisa said that this was "revenge" against her father and deliberately spent her father's money.
In fact, at this time, she already had love for her father in her heart, but at the same time there was hatred, hatred made her dare not admit her love and need for her father, "Such a bad person, how can I love him?"
I began to be a little considerate and dependent on my mother, willing to lie on my mother's lap, and my mother felt that the relationship between mother and daughter had become better.
In the fifth stage, she slowly realized in the sandbox that hatred for the third party had occupied all her hearts, affecting her own life, and began to shift part of her attention to her study and family life in the sandbox.
The previous hatred of the third party occupied 30 minutes of consultation, and slowly changed to 20 minutes and 10 minutes. She can't forgive the third party, let alone love the third party, but slowly she can bear part of the hatred, and not let too strong hatred destroy her life and study.
In the sixth stage, in the sandbox, her love and hate appear in her self-portrait, in which there is a very beautiful her, and there is also a classmate who likes to destroy, is very bad, and is often criticized. This classmate is actually a part of her, a bad and bad part of her, and that beautiful she is a good and satisfying part of her.
Little Lisa's counseling is still continuing, the first 50 consultations, this child has undergone great changes, while presenting the love and hate of her inner world split, it also allows us to see the continuous growth and progress of this child's heart, as well as the slow integration of her inner love and hate. In the future, with the deepening of the consultation, I believe that she will get better and better, and will be more capable of getting along well with her parents, learning happily and growing up healthily!
[This article is an original case of Mr. Xu Wenjiao, the relevant information of the case has been modified, and the company reserves the right to pursue according to law for unauthorized use and tampering. 】