Sunset, a fifth-grade student, has recently plummeted in academic performance, and his mother and himself know that the problem stems from a knot, so his mother takes Sunset to counseling.
Sunset is not good at talking, but he studies hard, and his grades have always been at the upper middle level.
A month ago, in the class teacher's class, Yu Hui suddenly thought of making a call at the end of class, and his mobile phone was about to run out of battery, he planned to turn off the phone first to save power, so he secretly took out the mobile phone to turn it off, but unfortunately was discovered by the class teacher, criticized him in public and confiscated the mobile phone.
Sunset did not argue, but his heart was full of grievances and anger, and he felt particularly faceless. Afterwards, the teacher told him to write a review to pick up his phone, but he ignored it.
Since then, I can't listen to the class, and the recent exam has been a mess.
The mother observed that her son had been sulking recently, and his mobile phone was missing again, and only after careful questioning did she learn about the situation.
At home, Sunset can still talk to his mother, but there is very little communication with his father, because his father always disagrees with his views, and they are prone to conflict. After this happened, Dad talked to him and told him not to be so careful, the teacher still did not teach you to be disciplined, Sunset did not speak, and did not pay attention to Dad's words.
Seeing the child's poor mood and poor grades, the mother was anxious.
▓ Analysis of teacher Zheng Qijuan, a psychological counselor for children and adolescents
In the subconscious of people, mobile phones represent an extension of the self. The confiscation of his mobile phone by the teacher meant that he was denied by the teacher for Sunset.
In the family, the afterglow that is often denied by his father, he has an inferiority complex in his heart, and he cares more about whether others respect him and identify with him. The teacher's behavior touched his inner sensitive points and stimulated resistance to the teacher. Due to low self-esteem and lack of communication skills, Sunset does not express and explain.
We know that the biggest requirement of teachers for students is to study well and get good grades, so Sunset used the method of "poor grades" to attack teachers.
In this case, it is necessary to make the child realize that he is attacking the teacher, and at the same time, it is necessary to improve the communication atmosphere of the family, improve the child's confidence and communication skills.
dispose
▎ Adjust the child's perception of this matter
After Sunset said this, I expressed my understanding of his inner grievances and resentment. Then make cognitive adjustments: "Why does the teacher take your phone?" "Because he thought I was playing with my phone in class, he wronged me."
"Why can't he think you're turning off your phone, but instead wronged you for playing with your phone?" "He saw me press my phone, and I didn't explain."
"Is there a way for him not to wronged you?" "If I had explained it then, maybe it would have been better!"
Faced with why he didn't "explain" at that time, Sunset began to be silent and became frustrated. I guided him step by step to become aware of his emotions and see what was behind them.
He plucked up the courage and talked about his relationship with his father, he felt that his father often misunderstood him and did not give him a chance to explain, and his explanations were all "excuses" from his father, and he couldn't talk about his father and couldn't argue with his father.
Faced with the teacher's misunderstanding, Yu Hui was very angry in his heart, "I am very angry, I want the teacher to know that he has wronged me, and it is not good for me to study."
After dealing with Sunset's relationship with his father, Sunset also clarified his relationship with the teacher, he began to understand the teacher's behavioral reaction at that time, and his anger towards the teacher also dissipated, and he decided to communicate with the teacher to try to gain understanding and ask for his mobile phone back.
▎ Let mom do a good job of communication and coordination
From my mother's point of view, I suggest that she communicate with the teacher, let the teacher cooperate in handling this matter, and arrange more speech for the child to speak and encourage the child to express more. Communicate with your dad and invite him over for consultation.
▎ Adjust the communication method between father and son
Regarding the details of the father teaching the child not to be careful and to understand the teacher, the father clarified his thoughts and purpose: "I hope he can let go of this matter, be happy, and study better." ”
Dad's intentions are good and well-intentioned, but the child's feelings don't have to be that way. I encourage my child to say how he felt, "I feel like Dad is denying me, accusing me, not liking me." ”
"What happens when you feel negative and unliked?" "I'm not happy, I don't want to hear him."
"How does Dad speak, and will you listen?" "At least don't deny me, it's better to understand me."
The father loves the child, and the child also longs for the father's love, hoping that the father can like himself, but the communication method between the two is ineffective, and the child's feelings and the father's wishes are opposite.
I suggest that before communicating with the child, father is first aware of his own emotions, do not communicate with the child with anger and anxiety, first maintain inner peace, believe in the child, stand in the child's position, think about his feelings, and then combine his own wishes to express it positively, replace denial with affirmative words of encouragement, and replace accusations and worries with care, understanding, and support.
After adjusting, Dad said to the child: "Dad knows that your mobile phone has been confiscated, and he is sad and feels wronged." But Dad wants you to be a man, open-minded, able to let go, and happier, and Dad thinks you should be able to handle it better without affecting your studies. ”
A week later, the child happily told me that he was going back to his mobile phone, learning was back to normal, and he felt that the teacher and father were much more cordial than before, and his father was willing to communicate with him more.
Experts in this issue
Guangzhou heard about it, director of the psychological counseling center, psychological counselor, and national family education instructor - Zheng Qijuan
Zheng Qijuan
Lead Consultant
I heard about it, the chief counselor of the psychological counseling center
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
National Marriage Counselor
National Family Education Instructor
Child Counselor
Senior hypnotist
Spiritual healer
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Specially invited psychological consultant of the emotional column of Guangzhou Radio Station
· Guangzhou YWCA appointed psychological counselor
"Yangcheng Evening News", "Yangcheng Metro News", "Modern Parenting Weekly", "Urban People Growth" invited psychological experts