Borderline personality disorder is a type that counselors often encounter. Individuals with borderline personality disorder are characterized by instability, impulsivity, and self-destruction, and fear of abandonment.
If the mother has borderline personality disorder, then the child will face an emotionally unstable mother from the beginning of life, and the innocent and inescapable child will feel extremely painful growing up.
Children of borderline mothers often describe their mothers as "ridiculous, untrustworthy, outrageous, ridiculous, stupid." ”
Today I will talk about borderline mothers, how they generally behave in the process of raising children, and the possible harm to children. And, if you have a borderline mother, how can you save yourself?
One
In Beyond the Mother-Daughter Relationship That Torments You: Understanding Borderline Motherhood, the functional comparison between ideal and borderline mothers is mentioned:
Two
The book divides borderline mothers into four categories: wanderer, hermit, queen, and witch.
These classifications are used by us to help understand this personality disorder, and that there is not an either/or relationship between them.
Different types of borderline women tend to seek specific types of men as spouses, and the way they treat their children has their own characteristics, but the same will bring deep emotional torture to their children, and even make daughters suffer from borderline personality disorder in adulthood (sons are prone to other psychological disorders).
01
Wandering mothers:
Helpless and desperate, poor and disgusting sister-in-law Xianglin
Such mothers will complain about their own pity and misfortune like Xianglin's sister-in-law, and inspire the sympathy and care of others.
Her credo: Life is too hard, no one loves me, you all owe me.
They are passively conniving at their children, and their attitude towards them oscillates between arrogance and deliberate neglect. Wanderers are more likely to cry than to be angry, and they tend to endure anxiety and depression.
Wanderer mothers are always "weak", making themselves miserable and using guilt to control others, which makes those around them feel overwhelmed and tired of coping, and many children still support themselves financially and emotionally as adults.
Not knowing where the boundaries to help are, and not knowing what is appropriate to treat the mother, with guilt and anxiety, children may gradually breed boredom, especially when children marry or start a family, conflict may occur, and resentment will deepen over time.
Many children of homeless patients spend their entire lives caring for their mothers, meeting their mother's unreasonable demands, being overwhelmed by their mother's dependence, and only thinking about how much they have sacrificed for their mothers when they are overwhelmed. Completely incapable, enjoy your life.
If you encounter this type of mother, it's important to let go of your desire to save and realize that your mother is an adult who needs to take responsibility for her emotions.
The responsibility for life and death must be placed in the hands of the mother so that children can be free to embrace their own lives.
02
Reclusive mothers:
Children who are afraid of the outside world and want to hide
Such mothers are like a frightened child, anxious, fearful and restless, shrinking into a closed, secret protective shell, hostile to the unknown.
Her credo: The outside world is too dangerous for you to resist. Do not touch the outside world, only hide is safe.
Her inner experience is murder, always living on alertness, full of extreme self-preservation, very strong desire for possessiveness and control.
They usually don't like to socialize, they are deeply wary of other people, and their interactions with others can overwhelm her.
They like to stick with their children, drag them into their protective shells, and do their best to hinder their independence, socialization, and autonomous development.
They always make a fuss when they encounter problems, such as being overly sensitive to their children's health, not allowing them to eat snacks, and being slightly uncomfortable and possibly overly worried and caring.
When the child enters adolescence and needs to make more friends, the anxiety of the reclusive mother will become stronger.
Living with a reclusive mother, the child can feel very suffocated and accustomed to high levels of anxiety, but do not understand what he is afraid of.
If you meet this type of mother, you need to affirm your own subjectivity – how do you feel? What do you like? What do you want? What do you think of the world?
When you confirm that your world is not the same as the world of danger and hostility that your mother imagined, you don't need to change her, you just need to connect your body and feelings, and change everything from what you should do to what I want to do, what experience I want to create, so as to live yourself.
03
Queen Mother:
Ask the child to be a servant for life
The queen type of BPD will present some of the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder NPD. They show jealousy, a strong desire for control, a desire for power, and an extreme thirst for the attention of others.
With this type of mother, you often feel like she expects the whole world to revolve around her.
They seem ambitious and powerful, but in fact they are empty and lacking inside, and they have only one core throughout their lives: I cannot sense existence unless you pay attention to me.
Therefore, they tend to show their glamorous appearance, wealth and success to the outside world, full of superiority and showy, eager for external recognition, and feel worthy.
They love to manipulate others and use children as servants or tools for show. They impose their tastes, interests, values, and preferences on their children and partners, and family members often feel that they can only obey her, and if you don't do her will, she will often retaliate again.
If the purpose of control is not achieved, they deny, suppress, and belittle the child. Children's growth and independence are also a great threat to them. Sometimes, such mothers threaten to promote filial piety, fabricate scandals about their children, and threaten to take their children to court, which are common methods.
Their "I put first" principle inevitably breeds resentment in children's hearts and makes them feel deprived.
No one can fill the emptiness in the heart of a queen-type mother.
All you need to do is refuse to allow yourself to be a tool for her to meet all kinds of empty needs, and constantly emphasize to yourself that "I have grown up, I only listen to myself." "And learn to tolerate the anger and blame of queen-type mothers because of your psychological decoupling."
04
Witch Mother:
The skill of changing faces in an instant is very terrifying
If there is a witch-type mom, there is no doubt that it is a disaster of life.
This type of person will project the suppressed anger and fear into others. What I like most is to appreciate the reactions of other people's fears and shocks and take pleasure in them.
Ordinary parents will not taunt, frame, humiliate their children, and sacrifice themselves to save their children, but witch types are the opposite, they may show antisocial behavior, calculating, and happy to sacrifice their children to save themselves.
For example, some mothers will be jealous of their daughters, publicly make fun of their daughters' appearance, or often in arguments, call their daughters sluts and shameless.
Or deliberately set the child and see the child do wrong things and make ugly things to satisfy the pleasure of their own sadism.
They do not respect someone else's territory and can destroy their children's most cherished finances and give away or kill their pets.
This type of mother is sometimes normal, sometimes manic. What makes children feel devastated is the transformation of the mother. Their message to their children: Get out of my life; I'd be better off without you; regret giving birth to you; You dragged me down.
The witch's mother's ability to instantly change her face is very terrifying.
Usually because the child may express independent thoughts against the mother's will in some small things; or expressing affection for someone other than the mother; contempt for mother's authority; Objections to the mother.
As long as the witch-type mother feels betrayed, rejected and abandoned, then a good mother turns her face and instantly becomes a witch full of evil.
They are angry, loud, emotional, and are particularly snarky, harsh, sarcastic, and even beaten and abuse their children. Sometimes, threats are made to kill the child, or to destroy the child. Sometimes, it also destroys finances, destroys things, beats, bites, and is very aggressive in limbs.
They need to completely control the child, through abuse and abuse, etc., so that the child has the fear of submission. They like to form alliances to attack their children, sometimes husbands, sometimes other children. They described to their allies how bad the children they were attacked, even misbehaving.
Living with a witch-type mother, children struggle to experience trust and safety, and they often have to grow into a warrior-like existence, and even want to kill their mother when they grow up to have more power.
If you are unfortunate enough to grow up under the influence of a witch-type mother, all you can do is make yourself more empowered to stay away from her, refuse to be her victim, and express your zero-tolerance attitude with your actions.
Third, how to face the edge
Mother of type personality disorder?
Spread a borderline personality disorder mother, tell yourself: It's not your fault.
But it is your responsibility to save yourself, to stay away from her as much as possible, to protect yourself. If you can't get away, you can learn more about the characteristics of borderline personality disorder and learn how to get along with your mother.
If possible, try to take your mother to counseling, or you can do family therapy together to better separate and get along with the help of a counselor.
It is now accepted by most people that borderline patients learn to control their behavior, which in turn significantly improves their quality of life.
Early intervention is important for children who develop borderline symptoms during adolescence. Studies have shown encouraging results in long-term treatment of adolescents with borderline problems, most of whom have mothers with borderline personality disorder.
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