Children's "milk and spicy style" is prevalent, is the overmaturity of children's dressing up free or profit-driven?
What is "Milk Spicy Wind"? That is, the milk is milky and very hot. Originally popular only among young women, it is now gradually trending towards children. Some people think that this overly "mature" clothing is a red flag for adults to gaze at children's bodies, and the first hints of "sexualizing children".
This phenomenon directly refers to whether the first standard of children's growth in the process of socialization follows the rule of "conforming to the development of children". Parents can rightly dress up their children, provided that they wear age-appropriate clothes in the right places.
When a girl presents a "feminine" style of dressing, there is "wrong" to grandstand and win traffic. In this issue of Tencent Parenting "Children Are Not Depressed", Bai Lu, member of the Standing Committee of Adolescent Sexual Health Education of the Chinese Sex Society, and Wang Hongqi, a child and adolescent sex counselor, are invited to analyze the social phenomenon of sexualized children from the perspectives of children's sex education, mental health, and network security.
Core Ideas:
- 1For children, the formation of aesthetics and values is mainly influenced by parents and teachers.
- 2 Build an aesthetic environment, that is, the more diverse and open, the more choices given, the less restrictions, so that you can slowly establish your own beauty and suitable for yourself.
- 3. Call for the establishment of a police system for the sexual expression of children who consume malignantly, and provide necessary support for the social system to protect the rights and interests of minors.
- 4. If parents can talk to their children about sex education from an early age, they are actually occupying the high ground of sex education.
- 5 Sex education is a lifelong education, when to start depends on whether parents have this ability, parents should continue to learn, understand this knowledge.
- 6. While doing a good job in preventing sexual assault, it is more necessary to let children have the ability and willingness to seek help.
Q: At present, the popular milk spicy style on the Internet is to dress children up mature and sexy, and pose as adults to take photos, which has aroused attention and heated discussions. Is this behavior a freedom to dress, or is it a deliberate move by parents to win attention? Does it have an impact on the child's development?
Bai Lu: This is a completely adult perspective, and parents may have a bigger component of eyeballs on the Internet; In daily life, it is not excluded that some parents think that such a dress is better for children and can highlight their beauty. In fact, it is completely the aesthetics of an adult perspective, for children, especially children before adolescence, they have no discernment and cognitive ability, and they completely comply with the requirements of parents.
I agree with the freedom to dress, this is everyone's right and freedom. But there is a little worry and thinking about whether the child has the ability to make decisions on his own, and it is only in adolescence that children begin to have the ability to make decisions on their own. For children, the formation of aesthetics and values is mainly influenced by parents and teachers. As a parent will have a tendency to guide, I think that the child looks good in this way, and when I hope to dress him like this, I may emphasize a lot of good parts with him.
It is necessary to remind parents to see the child's decision to belong to their own will, and under the premise of this willingness decision, the ability to deal with external risks must also be possessed. If parents really use videos to get eyeballs and clicks on the Internet, it must be harmful to their children, and this is the oppression of parents on their children.
Wang Hongqi: I think whether something is good for children's growth depends on the direction of friends and parents around you and some discussions on the Internet. Is it voluntary for children to take photos and videos in such dressing up or forced by their parents? I think that the first thing to look at is whether the child is voluntary, and from the perspective of the parents, the discussion and thinking between the parents and the child determines whether this matter is developed in a direction that is unfavorable to the child or in a favorable direction.
I think it lies in how parents guide, think and deal with it, not just the problem of a piece of clothing, but the problem after the clothes is the real impact.
Children may hear criticism from those around them, so whether it is beneficial to the child's future growth depends on how parents talk to their children about it and avoid hurting their children because of other people's discussions. Through such things, parents can think that what children gain in such events is the ability to "deal with others who have different views and opinions with you". If the child acquires such abilities in this event, he can properly handle and actively deal with similar problems in the future growth process, work and study, and family life.
Q: The temperament of adults is mostly determined by the aesthetics of childhood, and the aesthetics of childhood almost determines the aesthetic tendency of a person's life. Children will enter the aesthetic sensitive area around the age of 3, parents' dress has a deep impact on it, how to correctly cultivate children's aesthetic awareness, and correctly guide children to dress safely and appropriately?
Bai Lu: To present children with many possibilities, you can't just do certain dresses. The so-called construction of an aesthetic environment is that the more diverse and open, the more choices given, the fewer restrictions, so that you can slowly establish your own beauty and suitable for yourself.
When a subculture exists, the child's dress may be evaluated by others, for example, if the boy likes the clothes of small flowers and wears them outside, someone may criticize him, in fact, such criticism is not right, and it is not possible to have a negative evaluation of him because of any of the child's clothes. When this kind of criticism may exist, we must remind the child of the possible risks, let the child choose to self-choose, choose to dress up like this and then face pressure, or not do their favorite dress to avoid being discussed, this is the choice of children.
Wang Hongqi: Share with parents and friends to avoid making education "because of the clothes I wear, others may harass me".
Children have the right to dress freely, but as a parent still have to share some comprehensive information, such as children walking on the street in a bathing suit in the summer, to share with him, wearing a swimsuit to walk on the street, others may ignore you and think you are normal, but may also point fingers, will bring you some harm, and may even induce some bad influences. From the perspective of parents' words and deeds and the healthy growth of children, we should give children the opportunity to share comprehensive information, so as to avoid children thinking that because of how I am, I will suffer from some people's criticism, resulting in a psychological impact of "the victim is at fault".
Q: It's okay for adults to show sexual charm, but when children coexist with "sexual tension," it's a sin. What is a "sexualized child"? Is it worth being wary of projecting desires on children at an unenlightened age?
Wang Hongqi: No matter how hard we try, we have to admit that there are still sexual crimes against children and adolescents around the world. Originally healthy and pleasant sex is a thing that brings good intimacy to adults and gives us good feelings, but the intentional sexual display of minors, especially for commercial purposes, is a particularly vigilant thing.
My personal view is to do a good job in sex education in the whole country, not only for children and adolescents, but also for adults who are ready to have children, and if the entire education system does a good job of popularizing it, I believe that there will be no market for child sexualization display, because if everyone condemns and everyone scoffs, there will be no market.
Bai Lu: For children, there is actually no so-called perception of sexiness, more often it is just that they think that dressing looks good this way. But it cannot be ruled out that some adults will project their sexual feelings after seeing it, trigger some sexual desires, and do some bad or even illegal things, and we must be vigilant about whether they will provide some material for these people when dressing up like this. It's not the child or the cosme, it's someone else's problem.
The best state is that in the future, our society will resist such an existence, and no matter what age, you can do what you like without suffering any harm.
Q: Children's clothing is gradually becoming adult, and some e-commerce platforms use some indecent publicity photos of children in order to make profits and attract attention, does this infringe on children's rights and interests, and how should it be rectified and prevented?
Wang Hongqi: In one sentence, I think it should be "maximizing children's rights and interests". If the child is consciously cooperated with some e-commerce platforms by the parents in order to make money, wearing some indecent clothes, how can the rights and interests of the child be protected?
It is worth thinking about or calling for the society to establish a system, such as child abduction and trafficking has a police system, so should there also be such a system for the sexual expression of malicious consumption of children, in order to protect the rights and interests of minors, what support can our social system provide?
Bai Lu: Everyone actually sees the photo, the reaction will be different, some people think so cute, they will not think about sex, but some people will think about sex. If someone consciously obtains their own interests in order to attract the attention and traffic of these people, this must be harmful to the rights and interests of children.
If the child becomes a tool for parents to make money, then the harm obtained by the child is caused by the direct guardian, and the person who should have cared for me has caused harm to me for some purpose and benefit, and the child needs a long time of psychological intervention at this time, because it is a relatively serious psychological trauma. Therefore, in addition to paying attention to the issue of rights and interests, the mental health of children must also be paid attention to.
Q: Why do parents talk about dysphoria? When conducting sex education for children, how to overcome shyness, do not avoid, do not deceive, create a safe environment for children to talk about sex, and establish correct sexual values?
Wang Hongqi: When many parents encounter the problem of sex education, because their generation has not received correct and comprehensive sex education, they may treat their children in a wrong way. Treating children with one-sided information, evasive, shameful attitudes or language is bad sex education for children's growth. Therefore, one of the principles of parents doing sex education is not to avoid or lie.
If parents don't have expertise, they can find resources to work with their children to solve problems. At the same time, it gives children a very good inspiration, that is, parents are not omnipotent, and can also let children know that they can find answers with parents when they encounter problems. If parents avoid or even reprimand, the child may no longer talk to the parents about sex education, and if he encounters trouble in the future, the first person to ask for help will exclude the parent, which may bring greater risks to the child's future growth.
Bai Lu: From the birth of a child, sexual development and sexual exploration begin. When the child begins to have some questions about sex, the problem will not disappear if the parents do not answer it, and the effect of parents avoiding talking about it is that the child may turn to other channels to seek answers, such as the Internet, but parents will worry about whether there will be problems with the information on the Internet, and there is no way to intervene.
If parents can talk to their children about sex education from an early age, they are actually occupying the high ground of sex education. If children can obtain scientific knowledge from their parents at the beginning, they will have a certain ability to distinguish when surfing the Internet, and they can know that some are incorrect. If parents avoid or scold their children, it will make them feel negative about sexual problems or when they feel sexually exactly. Therefore, a negative attitude towards a child's sexual curiosity will cause the earliest child's negative perception of sex.
Parents can make good use of resources, such as picture books and books, to provide some scientific channels for their children, or explore with their children.
Q: At what age should sex education be conducted, and how should parents and schools do it?
Bai Lu: The sooner sex education starts, the better. The child's sexual development begins from birth, and there is no ability to have direct dialogue at birth, depending on the attitude of parents to their children, when the child makes some behaviors, the parents' expressions, and the actions of response, in fact, will make the child have an emotional response. As the child develops, the appropriate educational content should be provided at the appropriate age.
Early education is not about children, but more about teaching parents how to treat their children. After the child is two or three years old and can talk, there is a lot of sex education content that can be carried out one after another.
Wang Hongqi: I want to remind parents and friends that what age and in what way children's sex education depends on parents' timely learning and updating their cognition. Parents should think about whether they have the ability to do such education, if parents learn first, all opportunities are opportunities for educational growth. If parents do not understand and do not improve and update the knowledge structure, it may become a small pit in the growth of children, not exaggerated, and even become a nightmare. Therefore, sex education is a lifelong education, and when it begins depends on whether parents have this ability, and parents must continue to learn and understand this knowledge.
Q: Why do you say that children are precocious today? What are the causes of precocious puberty? Should parents block the environmental factors that trigger precocious puberty in their children?
Bai Lu: Now children are precocious, in fact, because they are exposed to more information. A large amount of complex information is a good development process for the child's brain, of course, it also brings challenges and risks, but in fact, the protection of parents for children is never to put a hood on him, or change the environment. We can't change the environment, but we can discuss it with our children, and the more we discuss with our children, the more we let our children look at some phenomena more objectively and rationally, this phenomenon will not affect them.
The best way of education is actually to listen more to the children's expression, put us in the position of students and talk to them, sincerely ask them about some of the things they receive, and then discuss and analyze objectively, which is a more in line with the characteristics of children. As a parent, use a relaxed mind and curiosity to grow up with your children.
Wang Hongqi: I would like to share from two aspects. First, precocious puberty, I recommend that parents take their children to a regular hospital for a comprehensive examination, if medically determined that some intervention is required, such as affecting height, or listen to the doctor's professional advice. On the other hand, if your child achieves a gold medal in the Olympiad at the age of 9 or 12, do you think he is precocious? Obviously not.
Some parents may think that I only understand things when I am 18 or 22 years old, how do you get exposed to this information at the age of 8 or 9? The environment in which our teenagers grow up is completely different from the parents of the previous generation, and parents must realize that if they want to communicate with their children and do some educational guidance, they need to keep pace with the times and humbly ask for advice. It is very simple, parents humbly ask their children, so that the children are interested, and when the children are teachers, parents have the opportunity to do some thinking and guidance with their children about values.
Q: What are the significant differences in the future growth process and social decision-making of children who have received sex education and have not received sex education?
Wang Hongqi: The problem encountered in the process of sex education for children and adolescents is how to correctly view pornography, people who have received sex education know that pornography is filmed by directors and actors, it is for commercial use, in order to meet the sexual proclivities, sexual needs, and sexual stimulation of some adults, it is not real, it is also illegal in our country, and does not represent some reactions and attitudes of ordinary people in sex. People who have not received sex education, when they first come into contact with sexual information, will mistakenly think that sexual relations between men and women are such a norm.
Q: How to prevent sexual assault? What kind of psychological counseling and healing should be carried out for children who have already had this kind of experience?
Bai Lu: Sexual assault prevention education is an important part of comprehensive sex education, but it is definitely not the only part. While doing a good job in preventing sexual assault, it is more necessary to let children have the ability and willingness to ask for help. The ability to ask for help is whether the child can identify the sexual assault, and then inform and ask the parents in time. The willingness to ask for help is whether the child is willing to ask parents for help when he encounters sexual injury, so if you want your child to have the ability and willingness to seek help for sexual injury, you must establish a flexible atmosphere in the family, that is, to carry out sex education for children, not just simple sexual assault prevention education.
When helping a child who has been sexually assaulted, the first point is to avoid secondary injury, the biggest difference between sexual assault and other injuries is that secondary harm can sometimes be greater than the initial injury. Therefore, parents should be conscious, and at the same time, professionals should intervene to avoid the appearance of secondary injury. Second, we must believe in the power of professionalism, when the child encounters injury, the physical trauma must be dealt with by a doctor, and the psychological injury should have a professional psychological counselor or psychologist intervene as soon as possible to help the child go through the traumatic period as soon as possible.
Wang Hongqi: To teach children to correctly identify, prevent and respond to sexual harassment and assault, the ideal way of education is to carry out dual education at home and school. Families can use some family trivia, news, and the advantage of schools is that systematic sex education can be carried out, specific to the prevention of sexual harassment and assault. Don't make the prevention and response to sexual harassment and assault in sex education a form of sexual intimidation. Many parents also feel that it is very important and enthusiastic to educate their children about sexual harassment and sexual assault, but they refuse to talk about sexual pleasure, talk about the beauty that sex brings to partners, and only give their children one aspect of information.
Even if parents do nothing about sex education, it is crucial to give your child a firm sense that no matter what happens to you and what you may face, remember that life is the most important thing! It is impossible for society to eliminate crime 100%, and when we face some harassment, children should keep in mind that wisdom for self-help, life is the most important.
Q: At present, what is the gap between children's sex education on the mainland and developed countries in the West? What are the biggest obstacles currently encountered in sexuality education curricula in primary and secondary schools?
Bai Lu: The gap at home and abroad is related to the time when the discipline was opened, many more developed countries may have begun to do this thing a hundred years ago, our country may only be twenty or thirty years old, so it is normal to have this gap, we still need more time to develop. With the increase of social attention, everyone is willing to spend time and energy to do this thing, to take it seriously, and the current situation in our country will also change.
School, if only rely on experts to enter the school to do a course, and many times not a participatory course, is a large lecture, the effect is actually very limited, good sex education is to accompany the child's entire growth, if the school is missing, parents have to consider doing some sex education work.
Wang Hongqi: I once refused a school's sex education system curriculum because they wanted to open several experimental classes and do a series of classes in these classes, and I wanted to help this school do teacher training, because a person's strength is limited, when class teachers, life teachers and other related teachers have sex education ability, they will achieve twice the result with half the effort. If there are only a few classes, how are the rights of other children guaranteed?
I personally still call for and hope that China's education can truly bring comprehensive, age-appropriate and systematic sex education into schools, so that the combination of family and school can give children a very healthy environment for growth.
Q: Do you have any good advice for parents on how to dress up and how to educate your child?
Bai Lu: If you start to make a small change through education, or respond positively to children's problems, you may be able to solve potential problems that may exist in their future lives. It's hard to spend time and energy on improvements when you're older, and parents can now spend a little time on making their children grow up healthier and happier.
Wang Hongqi: No matter how old your child is, the most cost-effective and cost-effective way to learn is to start from now on, starting from reading a professional sex education book, and having the ability to educate your child is the best way to treat your child's parenting.
Guests of this issue:
Fang Ling|Roundtable host, lecturer of science popularization of the Chinese Psychological Society
Bai Lu|Member of the Standing Committee of Adolescent Sexual Health Education of the Chinese Society of Sexology
Wang Hongqi | Child and adolescent sex counselor, domestic violence counselor
Finishing: Chen Yanbo
Reviewed: Cai Juan