3.4 Learning status丨 Children are in a good mood to learn well

Hello parents and friends!

Welcome to the "Good Parents of China" series of courses.

The topic we are studying in this issue is "Adolescent Learning", and today we are studying the fourth section, the content is: children are in a good mood to learn well.

Another important factor affecting the learning of adolescent children is the state of learning.

I met many adolescent children in counseling, and the goal of learning was enough, and the motivation was enough, but it was not efficient, and it took a lot of time and energy, but it seemed that nothing was learned.

These children often show that they want to learn and can't go in, they can't concentrate in class, the teacher's lectures, listen to a few minutes to run away, read books can't read, do the problem, can't analyze in depth, a thought on the brain pain. You watch him spend a lot of time at his desk, but he actually learns very little. In fact, this is the typical performance of poor learning emotions for children in adolescence.

Many parents and children themselves will have such troubles, what is the reason for this? In our consultation, we found that there are many factors that lead to poor learning in adolescent children, among which the highest frequency is nothing more than these three:

First, when the child reaches puberty, he cannot adapt to the rapid physical and mental changes of adolescence, so it affects the state of learning;

Second, the child is in a bad state of learning because of emotional problems;

Third, there are problems in getting along with children and parents, resulting in a poor learning state.

Then, next, we will start from these three points to lead the child out of these bad emotions.

First, when the child reaches puberty, he cannot adapt to the rapid physical and mental changes of adolescence, so it affects the learning state.

Adolescence is a period when the child's body and mind change very quickly, and his heart, like a house being renovated, is very chaotic. Therefore, as far as this age group itself is concerned, it is a period that is easy to be impetuous and has relatively large fluctuations in mood swings.

I once met an adolescent student who took two years off from school at home, and the reason for the suspension was that he had acne and was not handsome. Do you find it a little difficult to understand? Many parents will feel that acne is a small thing, and everyone will grow up in adolescence, but the truth is that children of this age will especially care about their appearance, care about whether they are handsome or not, whether they look good or not. Children at this stage, if they can't accept their own changes, will be upset, affect learning, and even go to school.

So, what can parents do to help their children adapt to the changes in adolescence?

The most important thing for parents is to help their children do a good job in sex education, including physical development education.

First, talk openly about sex with your child. For example, the atmosphere of dialogue between father and son, the mother's education of her daughter to recognize sexual and sexual health, and the education of her daughter on how to protect herself are the key to education. Parents should not be vague and hide, because if even we can't face it, we can't talk to the children calmly.

Therefore, parents should not think that sex education is just about knowledge, no, in fact, sex education is more about telling children your attitude towards sex.

Second, talk to your child about sex easily. Some parents may find this topic very embarrassing, or they lack some sexual knowledge. Then I suggest you read some related books and talk to your trusted friends. The more you learn about sex, the more you will believe you can talk about it. Even if you can't get rid of your own embarrassment or don't have enough sexual knowledge, you should be open to communicating with your child. If you make them feel that there is no topic in this family that cannot be discussed, then everything will be very smooth.

Then, provide accurate sexual knowledge to the child at the right time. For example, your 12-year-old asks, "Why do boys and girls make so many physiological changes when they grow up?" You could say something like, "Everyone has a special chemical component called hormones in their bodies, and the hormones in boys and girls are different." So when the boy grows up, his voice will become low and the hair on his body will increase; when the girl grows up, her breasts will grow up and her hips will become round. ”

In addition, parents should also avoid entering the misunderstanding of their children's adolescent sex education. For example, answering your child's questions in a deceptive way, avoiding your child's questions, and so on.

When the child is able to integrate his body into a complete sense of self, there will be no confusion within him, and he will slowly accept his unique self, thus avoiding the impact of learning.

Therefore, having time, in a relaxed atmosphere, opening up with children, talking about sex, talking about the body, talking about how to accept their own physical changes, is the most important thing for us to help children maintain a stable learning state.

Well, we continue to say that the second situation that affects the learning status of adolescent children is that the child is in a bad state of learning because of emotional problems.

I once consulted a girl who was not in a good state of study, which directly led to a suspension from school. The reason is that I think I am too fat, and then there is a boy who likes, and this boy likes her girlfriend, a series of adolescent confusion, no one helps to solve.

So, how can parents help their children who are in emotional distress?

First of all, you need to adjust your communication with your child so that your child is willing to talk to you openly. If the child knows that as soon as he tells you about this matter, you will be very panicked, or very angry, and want to stop him, the child will not be willing to talk to you, but when the child feels in his heart, no matter what difficulties I encounter, my parents understand me, will accept me, help me find a way to solve it together, then the child is willing to talk to you.

Second, talk about love and marriage with your children, don't just do safety education, but talk to your children about this matter from the personality and moral level. For example, respect for one's own life and the lives of others, responsibility for the lives of two people, being a boy with responsibility, and being a warm and kind girl will not be involved in immature feelings prematurely. Parents are better off not strictly forbidding them as soon as they come up, because the more you try to break them up, the more difficult it will be.

The third factor that causes a child's poor learning status is that the child has problems getting along with the parents.

This is mainly manifested in too much control by parents: for example, parent-child communication is not smooth, parents are emotionally unstable, at this time, we really need parents to adjust themselves.

Again, we'll start with the following three points:

First of all, we must learn to let go of our authority and ask our children more.

When children are young, the authority of parents is useful, and when children grow up, what they need is the recognition and respect of their parents, and they will experience the feeling of growing up through anti-authority. Once met a child who was suspended from school, he said that the reason why he was suspended from school was that he wanted to work with his parents, and as a result, he could not go back to school after taking a leave of absence, which was the problem of learning status caused by parents not adjusting in time to communicate with adolescent children. So, ask your child more, "What do you think?" What do you think? Mom and Dad don't quite understand this and want to hear your thoughts? "In this way, the child will be more willing to communicate with you."

Then, be sure to learn to adjust the content of communication with your child.

Don't talk too trivially with adolescent children, talk more about lofty things, they will be more willing to listen to you. Also, don't just talk to your child about learning, it will only make your child bored with school. Parents can share anything in life with their children, not necessarily to tell their children what the truth is, what is important is that this sharing can narrow the distance with their children and make communication smoother.

The last point, and very important point, is that we must learn to adjust the state of communication with children, which is also related to our ability to control emotions.

On the one hand, we will get out of control, out of control, all kinds of hurtful words come out, and even quarrel with children, children in such a state, sitting at the desk, can not learn. Therefore, you can count the breaths before losing control, you can also mentally meditate "the child is my own child", or some parents will choose to leave first when they feel that they are about to lose control, and when the emotions calm down, and then come back, it is also a good choice.

Also, although we are not out of control, we are too anxious and easy to interfere with our children's learning state with our anxiety. There is a saying that if you want to see how a child is learning, let's first see how his mother's emotional state is. The mother's inner fluctuating emotions are the biggest interference with the child's learning. Therefore, we must start from ourselves and be parents who are not anxious.

When we give counseling to children, in fact, we often help mothers adjust their emotions first, and when their mothers are in a good mood, the children will go up to learn, is this not amazing? But that's the way it is. Later, we have a lesson dedicated to sharing how moms manage their emotions.

Well, that's all for this lesson, and let's sum it up:

There are three main factors that lead to the poor learning status of adolescent children:

First, when the child reaches puberty, he cannot adapt to the rapid physical and mental changes of adolescence, so it affects the state of learning;

The second is that the child is in a bad state of learning because of emotional problems;

The third is that the child has problems getting along with his parents, resulting in a poor learning state.

We can start from these three points to help children adjust their learning status.

In the next lesson, I will share it with you: help children find the confidence to learn. Welcome to continue listening, and we will see you in the next lesson.

Growth Mind Map

Children can't adapt to the changes in adolescence, affecting learning, what to do?

What should children do if they fall into emotional distress in early love, affecting learning?

Parent-child conflict, affecting children's learning, what to do?

Knowledge chart card

Flow: Psychologist Mihari defines flow as a feeling of fully engaging an individual's mental energy in an activity, with a high degree of excitement and fulfillment at the same time. Mihali sees flow as "an almost automatic, effortless, but highly focused state of sensation."

Practice deliberately

[Emotional Parachute] This lesson, to share a way to prevent emotional loss of control, parents can practice on their own, after mastery, you can also teach your children.

Before you feel like you're about to lose control of your emotions, shout a stop, and then follow the steps to self-awareness:

Be aware of the breath, exhale and inhale, and breathe deeply 3 times;

Bring your attention to your own mind, be aware of what the thoughts and emotions are in your head, but don't judge, watch them like clouds in the sky, floating around.

Bring your attention to your body, be aware of the sensations in your body, and where there is a strong feeling, relax that part with your breath.

Finally, expand your attention to the vast space outside of yourself.

You can practice for 3 minutes a day, and after a while, you will find that your emotional management skills have improved a lot.

Resource recommendations

book:

Mindfulness Therapy for Improving Mood by Mark Williams / John Tisdale Publisher: Chinese University Press

Burns New Emotion Therapy by David Burns Publisher: Science and Technology Literature Press