Wen | Northern Su
Beisu, a second-level psychological counselor, focuses on marriage and emotions, and carefully creates every emotional column to take you to meet a better self and meet a better emotional relationship.
01
Repair the relationship and become my effort alone, by what? Why is he wrong, not letting him change, shouldn't he be making him pay more action and more?
Such questions are often encountered in consultations, and under this question is accompanied by a message of resentment and exhaustion.
Indeed, when a person is hurt and disappointed in marriage, it is difficult to take the courage to re-accept the partner, expecting him to make up for himself with his heart, but he is told, or "forced" by the partner's attitude to need to regress again, to make changes to repair the relationship, to take more tolerance and take care of his emotions, to take the initiative to repair the relationship with him, how to look too bullying, too unfair.
Those who make mistakes should be corrected by knowing their mistakes, and they should make up for their mistakes and take more actions to repair their marriages, which is a right and wrong view that everyone thinks is very correct, and it should also be applied to some problems.
What is more troublesome is that the problems in the marriage relationship cannot be completely handled by the people in the marriage with the original "right and wrong view".
In problematic marriages, both husband and wife carry bows and arrows and shields at the same time, although invisible but always affect the relationship between the two people, may be stabbed when close, or incomprehensible through the shield; when estranged may provoke an attack from one side, while allowing him to raise a thicker shield.
In marriages that have experienced betrayal, this "bow and shield" state of getting along will appear more frequently, and the original "right and wrong view" will only aggravate the attack and self-protection of both sides.
02
How is the "bow and shield" getting along?
In marriage counseling, there is a often encountered "chase and escape mode", which describes that one of the parties constantly "chases" the other party in various ways, and the other party also uses various ways to evade and avoid.
The purpose of his pursuit is the need for closeness, but this inner need is overshadowed by the excessive pursuit method, resulting in every communication without negotiation turning into an attack, a crusade, and then a quarrel or war.
The fleeing party does not want to escape, and he also has a lot of needs for intimacy and marriage in his heart, but he will feel that he has to flee, and he has to stay away from the partner who controls him.
The party chasing is aggrieved in the heart, and the desired partner does not know how to meet, so the excessive pursuit method is becoming more and more intense; the fleeing party is also aggrieved, never recognized, and continues to be attacked, so it is difficult for the escapee to stop in the marriage.
In the chase mode, both husband and wife are "victims", both hope that the other party will change, and both hope that the other party will come to understand themselves first.
So the marriage is constantly being chased away from the mode, the contradictions between husband and wife accumulate more and more, the distance is getting farther and farther, and finally they are strangers to each other.
After experiencing betrayal, in the process of marriage repair, similar to this mode of pursuit and escape is often staged, and the betrayed person always chases the betrayed party to let him change and return.
Only in this way can one's inner need for inner security and intimacy be seen by the betrayer, so that one can know how to satisfy oneself.
The betrayer may often be the fleeing party, and in his heart he may also want to actively work hard to return to the family, but he can't see the needs of his partner's accountability, he can only see his partner's attack and denial of himself, he has to choose to avoid the problem, and he has to shelve the confidence of return.
In addition, when a marriage encounters a marital crisis, it may be that before the marriage crisis comes, the marriage has already fallen into the mode of pursuit.
Repairing a marriage can not only solve similar problems such as "how to choose betrayal, whether the other party will really return", break the inherent bad pattern between husband and wife, or more precisely, break the "chase" model, so that the relationship can be truly repaired.
03
If you want to break the chase and escape mode, you must start from why the husband and wife will fall into the chase mode, find the reason, and the corresponding state will have the opportunity to change.
From the perspective of attachment, each individual will form their own attachment patterns from birth to growth, including secure attachment and insecure attachment; insecure attachment is divided into anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
The secure attachment individual, who is well taken care of in early childhood, has a close and secure relationship with his parents, which also makes it easy for him to have an internal sense of security in the relationship in adulthood and to handle intimacy very well.
An anxious attachment individual may not receive good attention in early childhood, and he needs the attention and closeness of his parents, but the neglect or departure of his parents may make him feel frightened, and he lacks inner security.
This also makes him an adult with the same uneasy pattern in intimate relationships, repeated experience of uneasiness, the need for relationships to partner and the need for adhesion is relatively high, easy to make the relationship contradictory.
Individuals with avoidant attachment may also have certain problems with their parents in early childhood, and they are reluctant to face their parents' neglect, departure, and negative emotional interactions.
So they choose to avoid, indifferent to the expectation of their parents' response, and no longer express their needs to their parents too much, pretending that they don't need it, and therefore lack of security internally.
In its adult intimate relationship, it will also lack of security in the intimate relationship, and the mode of treating the partner will invisibly return to the state of getting along with the parents in childhood, and it is often a state of avoidance, rarely expressing their feelings and feelings, and rarely taking the initiative to understand the feelings and needs of the partner, so that the relationship lacks connection and response.
Both husband and wife in the chase mode, the internal attachment type is often insecure, may be the same anxiety, avoidance, or may be one each.
No matter what kind of combination, both parties actually carry their own "not enough satisfaction, not enough security" side, expecting the partner in the intimate relationship to understand themselves, give themselves, and satisfy themselves.
04
The wife may think that finding a partner who can make herself dependent and know how to care for herself is the purpose of her marriage, and she can be cared for and cared for in marriage, so that she can have a sense of security.
Husbands may think that finding a partner who can bring him ease and recognition and make himself valuable is the purpose of his marriage, and he can feel recognized and appreciated in marriage, and he will have a sense of security.
Inner needs drive both spouses to demand the sense of security they want in marriage.
Both parties regard their partners as the perfect partner in their hearts, and because they both lack a sense of security and do not know how to properly express love and respond to love, so the needs are not met, and then anger and disappointment, emotions and behaviors are uncontrolled, which promotes the "chase and escape" model.
If you want to break the chase and escape mode, you need one party to be aware of the state of husband and wife, and at the same time see the real reasons and needs of their dissatisfaction with marriage and mutual dissatisfaction with each other.
The conflict between husband and wife, the contradiction between the two sides after the forgiveness of the betrayal, are pushing the two people to the opposite side, and in fact, the real need of the couple is love, the need to repair the marriage after the betrayal is also love, love needs the sincere interaction of the husband and wife, and the husband and wife need to be able to see each other's needs and know how to give.
One of them perceives this, and the mode of interaction between husband and wife, the mode of repairing the marriage, will also change, and the perceived party will know that some contradictions are not the problems of the partner, but his "ability" is insufficient, he cannot see, cannot understand, and may not know how to give and respond.
The same is true of the process of repairing a marriage after a betrayal, which may not be a positive return, but a person who does not know how to act, does not have the strength to return, and does not have the confidence that his marriage will get better and that his security needs will be satisfied by the marriage.
05
In a marriage, each party can be the one who breaks the chase pattern, as long as the chaser no longer chases, or the fugitive no longer flees.
Then carefully build a "safe base" for the marriage: respond positively, at any time and sincerely to the partner, not only have the courage to express their feelings, but also be willing to try to understand the feelings of the partner, and give love and security with practical actions.
Normally speaking, in a marriage that has experienced betrayal, it is reasonable to change from the betrayer to the party who stops the pursuit mode, and to make up for the marriage with his actions, but why should the betrayed party change?
First, the betrayed person bears more pain in his heart, if the betrayed person can not grow by changing himself, it is easy to be wrapped in pain, so that he will be trapped in "marriage is unfair to himself, his partner is not willing to live up to himself" for a long time, and let himself be constantly consumed.
Second, for the betrayed party, the problems that arise in the marriage are also a growth signal, and the betrayed person only has the opportunity to know himself better, see his own needs, and know how to meet his needs in an appropriate way only by changing himself.
It may also bring a more relaxed and peaceful happy life to partners, children and parents while satisfying themselves.
Third, as we mentioned earlier, if you want to solve a problem in a marriage problem, you may have to jump out of the shackles of "problem" and see betrayal not as a problem, but as a "relationship problem".
In this way, the problems in the marriage are solved from the "point" to the "system", and it is easier to solve the marriage problem than to tangle a point, and it is easier to improve the marriage system.
Of course, the betraying party also needs to change, and it is even more necessary to take responsibility for the betrayal and actively work hard to repair the marriage, but this is the self-realization and self-improvement that he needs to complete.
His change may bring some changes to the relationship, but it will not help the betrayed person to be freed from the pain of being betrayed.
The betrayed person needs to gain a sense of security from the change within himself, to change his attachment pattern in intimate relationships from "uneasy" to "safe", to have the courage and confidence, and to have the initiative to act for his own happiness.
06
The change of the betrayed is not the same as compromise and humble pandering.
When the betrayed person feels that the way of "changing and repairing the relationship through themselves" is incomprehensible, there are often still many insecurities in their hearts, and it is not so much that they feel that this way is unfair, but that they are afraid that their efforts will be despised or disappointed again.
Voices such as "compromise", "no bottom line", "humble pandering", "inability to leave", etc., will make the betrayed person dare not accept the way he has changed.
The betrayed person believes that only if the partner actively returns and gives an absolutely safe environment, he can try to believe him, and if he makes an effort to change, he will make the partner think that he does not have to change, and he will not feel safe without changing himself.
Turning back, these are still the subjects that the betrayed person needs to overcome and grow in his heart, change is his own growth, never to cater to his partner, change is to benefit himself, but also indirectly to benefit the marriage, may also benefit the partner, but not loss.
For the betrayed, growth can change in two directions:
One is external change, economic ability, one's own state, intentional cessation and optimization of certain emotions and behaviors, etc., to give oneself the opportunity to build inner awareness.
The second is inner change, inner independence, and most importantly, awareness of one's own inner pattern of security, and awareness that "one wants to be truly independent in marriage."
Jump out of the shackles brought by insecure attachment to yourself, realize that you have grown up, have the ability to give yourself a sense of security, and no longer expect and passively wait for your partner to understand yourself and take the initiative to give yourself.
After the change, there is a conscious and powerful way to establish a "safe base" for their marriage, and through their own changes, they change their own state and change the state of their marriage.
Growing up betrayed people will understand that the choice to forgive betrayal is not 100% happy to belong, and they must have the courage to choose to forgive their partners, seek closer intimate relationships, and a more stable family state; they must also have the courage to accept even one percent of the expected results.
In this way, pain is the nourishment of growth and the beginning of a new chapter in marriage.