A few days ago, I received a private message from the headline jun, inviting me to participate in the ideal marriage, #婚后经济各自独立, is it reliable # topic to express their views.
It just so happens that I've been thinking about the ideal marriage. Let me discuss with you about my own marriage with my parents, what kind of marriage is the ideal marriage?
First, my happy marriage
First, let me start with some of my changes in thinking about the ideal marriage.
Before marriage (before the age of 30 to be precise), my vision of the ideal marriage was as follows: marry a person who loves himself and loves himself, has a warm little family, can not be rich, but do not have to worry about food, clothing, housing and transportation; he knows that I understand me, I also greet him warmly, two people love each other, rely on each other, and support each other through life.
Well, at this point, you should talk about me, I'm telling fairy tales.
No. I believe that at the beginning, everyone's yearning for marriage was the same, just like the lyrics of "The Most Romantic Thing": "The most romantic thing I can think of is to grow old with you, until I can't go anywhere when I'm old, and you still regard me as a treasure in the palm of your hand." 」 ”
Such a marriage, we really should call it a "fairy tale". Because, in real life, such marriages are rare, and it is a surprise to meet, and it is normal not to meet it. Normal marriages are almost all chicken feathers, and the days are lived as a make-up.
Before marriage, I was actually a more traditional and idealistic person, thinking that marriage is a lifelong thing, that is, marrying a person who has been around for ten thousand years, having a baby like a doll, and then living a life as beautiful as poetry.
As a result, as you can imagine, I was naïve and ignorant and whimsical. So, it led me to not marry until I was 34.
After marriage, after living together for a long time, I found that everyone was looking at each other with a filter before marriage (both men and women were the same), and the TA under the filter was elegant, cute, gentlemanly, warm, polite, and romantic.
Once you enter marriage, I don't know if I feel 100% secure, I began to reveal my original form: the elegant posture of sitting on the sofa has become Ge You lying down, plus cutting your toes; you like to be neat and clean, but he likes to be sloppy;
You want to be romantic occasionally on the weekend, want to watch a midnight movie hand in hand, but he feels that it is a waste of money and tired, it is better to lie at home to watch; tired from work, occasionally want to steal a lazy and do not want to cook, people immediately pick up the mobile phone to order takeaway, the result is that none of your favorite food, all his own favorites;
When pregnant with a child, the happiest is the man (perhaps the men feel that this is evidence of the strength of the man, anyway, the special happy, the special hectic), in short, after the happiness, the birth of children, raising children has become a woman's business alone...
In short, you will find that all the mountain alliances and sea vows and surprise romance are gone, the feelings have once dropped to negative values, and life is only a chicken feather.
At this time, you will suddenly wake up: marriage is really the graveyard of love. However, many times, you can't climb out of the grave, and marriage becomes a dilemma.
Fortunately, in marriage, there are still some things that I want, for example, children (children in marriage is definitely a factor that makes people happy), and there is a husband who is very diligent and self-motivated, and he is also very concerned about the family, and the money he earns is basically used at home (although his money is not spent for me, but the family's mortgage, car loan, and child milk powder money he bears), I earn it myself at my disposal, I am very content.
Second, the happy marriage of parents
My parents' marriage is very similar to the marriage of Ren Xuetang and Shen Cuixi in "The Head of the Family", they are considered to be the marriage of the parents' fate.
In my parents' marriage, my father's family (my grandparents' family) climbed my mother's house (my grandparents' house) very high, because my father's family was very poor, and there were no cattle to plow the land, and every spring ploughing the land, the cattle either borrowed or rented, which was really difficult in the era of using cattle to cultivate the land.
At that time, my mother's family was a relatively wealthy family in the village, with cattle farming and sufficient food and clothing. Therefore, at that time, my grandmother was interested in the conditions of my mother's family, and my grandfather was interested in my father's diligence and self-motivation, so it became this family affair.
After marriage, the parents have a clear division of labor, the male owner outside, the female owner, the father is responsible for the heavy work of the family: farming, pulling the car to earn money (in the 90s, the father had his own tractor, by helping people to make money); the mother, is responsible for taking care of the home, the home is spotlessly cleaned up by her, the family's pigs and chickens and dogs are like a sperm, and when they see their mother, they are particularly happy, and she is collectively greeted at the gate as soon as she returns.
All the money earned is handed over by the father, and the mother keeps and distributes it. It is by relying on the accumulation of our parents bit by bit that our family is getting better and richer, and it is also relying on the foresight of our parents that we have to go to college, go out of the mountain nest, and pursue the life we want.
In fact, my father had a crush before he became a parent, and when he was a child, he often mentioned that person when he was drunk. When I grew up, I once heard my aunt say that on the day of my father's and mother's wedding, my father ran downstairs to stay with my sweetheart for a long time. I think my mother should know this, and her heart should be sad, so in my memory, she seems to give all her love to her father, even as children, we can hardly share a little love.
The celebration is that the father finally obeyed the orders of his parents and finally kept his heart. This is my parents' marriage, and I think it's the marriage that represents most people in the 50s and 60s. Bland, real. There is no excessive love, blandness is the main color, but I think their marriage is happy.
Third, the main points of a happy marriage
After my own marriage and the marriage of my parents, I have a clearer and more thorough understanding of marriage:
1.
Marriage should be pragmatic. In a marriage, both parties should have what they want, whether it is money, status, people, always have what you pursue, and there is nothing wrong with each taking what you need. Of course, marriage should be based on good faith and not do anything illegal.
2. Marriage must have a certain economic basis. Marriages with love and no economic basis will eventually lose to the rice, oil and salt in life. So, when your parents try to dissuade you from marrying a poor boy, don't be in a hurry to blame your parents, you first imagine, can you live a few years of hard life with him? 1 year? 2 years? 3 years? Probably, you will say that you will work hard and make your days better day by day, such a spirit is very good, but not a saying: "Tomorrow and accidents do not know which comes first", life is full of uncertainty, but also full of pressure, difficulties and obstacles and tests. Illness, children, houses, and cars can all be the tests you can't pass in your marriage.
3. In marriage, we must learn to face up to and accept the reality of weakening feelings. Because, very few people can always maintain 100% attention and enthusiasm for a person. It is your parents who can consistently love you, and there is no such thing in love.
4. In marriage, we must learn not to be careful. Many things in marriage, too much calculation, everything is more true, then you are not angry, you will also die of exhaustion. In marriage, we must learn to be a prime minister, and the prime minister should hold a boat in his belly, and learn to be appropriately indifferent to what the other party is doing. Of course, it can't be something like cheating or other bad customs.
5. Learn to be independent in marriage. First, even if you are married, you must properly maintain your premarital hobbies, leave yourself an independent space, and do what you are interested in (even if you have children, even if you want to bring children). The second is to be financially independent, even if you are a full-time housewife, you must also learn to generate income, now there are too many things you can do at home, such as learning to manage money, learning self-media, learning handicrafts, etc. Can generate income, once you disconnect yourself from society, it means that you are burying yourself, but also burying your marriage. Of course, this also tells him that I am not raised by you.
Fourth, I understand economic independence and AA life
Finally, let's talk about the independence of the economy after marriage, is it reliable? If you say that economic independence after marriage is the money you earn, you spend, the money I earn, the family expenses are evenly shared, and the AA system of life is engaged, it is not reliable.
#婚后经济各自独立, is it reliable? #
#你对婚后夫妻AA制有什么看法 #
After all, the two people in the marriage are not corporate partners, and they cannot pay attention to more work and more justice in everything. The principle in marriage is love, it is giving, if you are not on the person in the marriage, then the marriage is doomed not to last.
Today's young people seem to be independent of each other's economy, earning their own money and spending their own money, and the family expenses are discussed and solved, and many relatives and friends around me are in this situation. After all, people today, unlike people in the 50s and 60s, are all about food and clothing, and there is no unnecessary spiritual pursuit.
But today's young people are different, in addition to material pursuits, but also pay attention to spiritual pursuits, even if married, have a baby, their own interests and hobbies are not willing to give up.
Therefore, the financial independence after marriage as I understand it is not AA life. Both spouses may remain financially appropriately independent after marriage, but not fully independent. That is, the appropriate income can be retained each month for their own discretion, but the rest must be allocated to the family for household expenses and family economic development.
In this way, both people in the marriage can properly maintain themselves, develop their own interests and hobbies, and enrich their spiritual life, which is also the happiness value in the marriage and the motivation for their hard work.
A good marriage should be a long stream, gentle and calm, do not need such vigorous love, plain and simple. Maybe the nature of marriage is bland. Even if it is vigorous at the beginning, after the grinding of time, it will eventually return to plainness, becoming a daily chai rice oil and salt and a daily bump.
In real life, we are all ordinary people, we just want to have ordinary love, hold the hand of the son, and grow old with the son, that is the happy marriage we yearn for.