to
Today, let's get to know the promise of a very wise and especially methodical mother of Sanwa:
The eldest son primary school to go inside and outside the system, running all over China, Germany, like computers, Fujian University Penn University graduated into the Amazon headquarters; the second son of the school bully climbed the vine unexpectedly, the top famous school graduated she said "this is a grateful thing", this year he graduated early with excellent results, won the favorite offer; the third son is different from the "science and engineering bully" brothers, in the case of mathematics has not yet been opened, he found a road that no one at home has ever thought.
All of this is inseparable from the efforts and encouragement of a wise, gentle and determined mother: "It is much more difficult for middle-class families who do not worry about eating and wearing to dig out the internal driving force of their children than to evaluate their children by only relying on scores." ”
In the more than twenty years of accompanying her son to grow up, she has summarized these four effective methods of pro-testing, and taught them all: frustration education, prominent advantages, understanding of weakness, and "poetry and far away".
"My mother always hates me for doing my homework, but the problem is that I used to write it early and then make another roll, since this is the case, I might as well do it slower..."
"My mom wants me to spend 90% of my energy on studying, but I can't get rich on the first exam, I don't want to be so bitter, there are so many fun things, I spend up to 60% on learning, ah don't tell my mom." 」
"Every day from childhood to adulthood was arranged by my mother, where she went, I was her tool person, and the tool person didn't have a soul and only listened to the arrangement?"
Raising this generation of middle-class children is not easy.
The book says that what a good child must have is internal drive, self-discipline and a sense of purpose. The question that plagues the soul of every middle-class parent is estimated to be: Obviously we have worked so hard (chicken flying dog jump), why does the baby still have no internal drive, procrastination, lying flat is the biggest hobby in life?!
Promise Mom and three handsome sons, envious
Hello everyone, I am Promised, the mother of three sons, often called a warrior (laughs).
Parents are a child's first college, but unfortunately, parents don't have to be trained.
Someone asked me before, why didn't your son go to graduate school? I laughed because they were under financial pressure. I told them that your parents would only provide you with college graduation, and then you would all be on your own. I do what I say.
This generation of urban children is too comfortable, especially boys are too well protected, the house and car tickets are ready, materially happy, but may deprive a person of the process of life challenges and self-growth.
All the way is full of birds and flowers, what else to talk about the internal driving force?
Today, I will share a lot of things that have never been said, you will see that I have also made a lot of mistakes, and this open-ended sharing, I hope to help you.
#01
I also had a Harvard dream
But he was grateful for his son's failure to climb the vine
Every parent must have dreamed of Harvard and Qingbei.
When the third eldest was born, my husband said that I hoped that all three of my sons would go to Harvard. In his opinion, the father is from the California Institute of Technology, the mother is from Penn wharton, and the child should go to the Ivy League.
It is too normal for parents to expect their children to have a prestigious school, and everyone wants to give their children the best education.
But slowly, as children grow, I begin to find that standardized expectations are "unrealistic."
My family has three sons, all born of the same mother, and my father has never changed, living in the same house, eating the same meals, and going to the same school, and the personalities are very different.
For example, before the exam, I will let them estimate the score first and then compare the results, the boss is expected to be closer to the result, the prediction of the second is always far lower than the result, he may be 90 points after the test 60 points, and the third is just the opposite, saying that the 90 points of the test are almost 70 points.
It is not difficult to see that the second older personality is conservative, introverted, has high requirements for himself, typical science and engineering bully, when the grades are good in the upper and outer secondary schools, the high school went to the top boarding high school, and also graduated with the highest grades, according to the convention, the top ten of these two schools are basically Qingbei jiaofu, The Vine School is picked at will.
But the second brother exploded a big cold door that year, and climbing the vine failed.
At that time, everyone suggested that he apply for Bin university early, his mother was an alumnus, his brother was reading, and his own strength was placed there, not to mention steady progress, the probability was higher.
But he wanted to rush to Princeton and fight for the dream school, and after discussion, we also respected his ideas, and after being rejected, he went to New York University, which is a very good school, but it was indeed a blow to him who was full of spirits at that time.
Parents often have the obsession, only a certain primary school, middle school, university, it is possible to succeed, can not go to a famous school, the child's life is over.
In fact, when it comes to that day, you will find that the world has not collapsed, and life still continues as usual. We accompanied him, taking setbacks as the norm of life, what to do during the holidays.
And when the psychological quality of the boy mother must be strong, my suggestion is that the boy mother must give space, let go, do not be afraid to make mistakes.
I made a lot of mistakes.
For example, in the choice of school is quite aggrieved second, where his brother goes he will follow wherever he goes, but his personality is not as cheerful as his brother, and later learned that he did not make friends in a certain school for a semester. For introverted children, less tossing and turning, it is more important to have a sense of security.
Including going to Meigao is also, he is a science and engineering bully, to go to Meigao to receive humanistic education can be more whole-person development, he is also willing to go, but if you go again, I am also reflecting, if he stays in the upper foreign annex will be more suitable?
But there is no absolute right or wrong in life, so what if you go wrong?
How many pits parents have stepped on, children also have to step on to know how to go.
If the parents cleared all the roadblocks, the children were all the way to the shade of trees, birds and flowers, a wide and beautiful road, no challenges, no possibility to enjoy the unknown adventure, of course, no curiosity and motivation.
After setbacks, the second oldest is now very mature.
During the pandemic, he was determined to return to the United States. One day, he almost never sent a circle of friends, to the effect that the reason he returned to New York was that he did not want to affect the interview because of geography: "I sent countless cover letters in the dormitory, very lonely but persevered, today I finally got the job offer I wanted the most, I did it on my own." 」 ”
It is very difficult to raise boys in the city, it is late to mature, there is no pressure, it is too well protected, and it is easy to lose the internal drive and fall into comfort under the smooth sailing.
After this time, I was the least worried about the second eldest, he had too much more important resistance to setbacks than the aura of the famous school.
#02
The counterattack of the non-academic bully
"To make up for the shortcomings is to be averaged"
Yuval Harari, author of A Brief History of the Future, has made this bold statement: "In 20 to 30 years, more than 50% of jobs are replaced by artificial intelligence. "In this way, children living in the future must have some characteristics."
My third brother is very different from my brother, in terms of scores, he is not a bully, and he can try to get into the middle of the school, and when he was in junior high school, he had not yet opened up mathematics.
Like most mothers, I was anxious at first, almost telling him how you are inferior to your brother, and then going to make up for the math and make up for the shortcomings.
We have also tried to make up lessons, but his initiative is not highly conscious, let alone learn well, just learning is not happy, the results are small things, and the enthusiasm for learning is miserable.
At that time, I happened to be studying the Tao Te Ching, and my mind was more open, so I told my husband that we would work together to find a different shining point for the third elder.
We found that he was good at socializing, empathetic, had many friends, had high emotional intelligence, especially his language skills and writing skills were very strong, so I suggested that he try drama, and since then he has been out of control. He especially liked it, and also became a key member of the drama club, and after going to high school, he had a stronger advantage in drama, and he was also famous for his theater expertise in school.
I was also quite surprised that my whole family was studying science and engineering, and he had a talent for art.
But this experience led me to discover the importance of strength education. I have always encouraged the third brother, you should be what you are really good at, even if other weaker it does not matter, you average nothing.
To make up for shortcomings is to be like everyone else, just like the fate of being averaged.
It should be reminded that parents should not overly participate in and plan the development of their children's interests.
A common mistake many parents make is that when the child is still in A, he thinks of Z.
As soon as the child said that I was interested in the violin, the mother was eager to bring the music conservatory professor to the class, and in a few days the child's interest turned to ballet, and the mother went to develop resources in this regard. After a few times, my mother would be annoyed: "I have paid so much for you, why don't you insist on it at all?" ”
There is a saying that as soon as the mother is in the heart, the child gives up. When too many expectations are poured out, this thing that was originally a child's interest becomes a mother's dream.
My three sons play the piano "halfway", saying that they don't want to play it, it doesn't matter, as long as there is a legitimate reason, then don't play, I can accept it. It's possible that if they meet their other half or encounter something in the future, they will regain this hobby, right?
I've also been wondering, what the hell did you do to raise such a good child?
The answer sounds a bit empty, but what I did was to believe them from the bottom of my heart, and slowly make inaction management according to the child's situation, and achieve reasonable progress and retreat.
Of course, parents must grasp the degree of goodness, sort out which are principled issues, and must push a push.
I know that sports help them, and at the beginning they sent every week without moving, and now my three sons have been playing football for more than ten years.
One year I wanted to let the third elder go to Bao Pengshan's Chinese culture class, and at that time, it was difficult for him to do it in the fourth grade, and if I told him directly, I would definitely not go. I thought for a long time how to convince him.
Finally, I wrote a letter to him in the name of the principal, congratulating him on his admission and describing how interesting the next trip would be, how fun the classmates would be, and how much the teachers were looking forward to his arrival.
I believe that as long as the eyes of parents stay on their children, truly believe and pay attention to them, parents will definitely find ways to manage them.
The book recommended by the promised mother, "Gaze" written by Dr. Tao Yong: The destroyed life can be rebuilt, because the glory of human nature is eternal.
#03
Mom should learn to show weakness
My son is happier than going to a prestigious school
"Learning is the only thing you need to care about."
"You only need to read, child, and the mother will take care of everything else."
"I'm too busy reading, I'm too late doing housework, and I never let my children worry about these chores."
I often hear mothers say this, the intention is good, but it puts the cart before the horse.
Reading is to live a better life, when there is no life, how can you read a good book?
In my family, my proudest thing is that my sons are especially good at cooking, and this year's epidemic home I have eaten fat, especially blessed. And because of cooking, the sons also experienced the joy of life.
When they were young, I was still in the entrepreneurial stage, mr. was particularly busy, I would show weakness, tell them that my mother is tired and tired, can you please help?
I remember once I was too busy to eat, and when I rushed home, I found that the third elder had made me three dishes and a soup, which was much happier than when he went to a famous school.
Let the children participate in family affairs, they will be responsible, our whole family will be divided when they go out to travel, such as dad is responsible for driving, mom is responsible for purchasing, sons are responsible for cooking, they must participate in the things of life, can not be isolated, can not be a tool for family life.
With life, there is a keen sense of life and an interesting soul. I'm an alumni interviewer at Penn, and I've always joked that if anyone is applying for college writing to do housework, I'm sure to recommend it (laughs)
Like the third elder likes drama, I encourage him to find materials from life and express the things he experiences in life with drama. He wrote and directed a drama on the theme of school bullying, which was very profound. He also particularly likes to hike, and has been to many places at home and abroad, and has encountered several dangers, once vomiting to half death, but this kind of walking is particularly helpful for him to discover himself, find direction, and set goals.
Also, don't underestimate the influence of parents on their children, I remember once the boss told me to be like my father in the future, to do the work of my father, which surprised me.
First of all, to explain a background, my husband has a particularly good advantage, always encouraging me, always doing it right, standing with me unconditionally in front of my children. But he was really busy, from kindergarten to high school, and the teachers who didn't know me thought I was a single mom (laughs).
For good parent-child interaction, I suggest that he talk for ten minutes every day before going to bed with the boss, just such a simple measure, so that the son can see the efforts of his father, but also see the efforts of his mother, and he also hopes to become such a hard worker.
When it comes to companionship, many parents say that it is not enough for me to accompany my children from morning to night. But some companionship is of low quality, even if it is communication, it is also with presuppositions and judgments, and over time the child is unwilling to share, and the bond of parent-child relationship is loosened.
As soon as there is a change in the parents, the change in the child is obvious.
Once, my friend walked in the door and saw the child playing an iPad game and was ready to hide. Most parents must have been angry and scolded at first sight. My friend's first reaction was to tell the child, Mom is so sad, you are so insecure at home, you still have to hide. After empathizing with the child, the child was also surprised, originally thought that the mother would be angry, are ready to be trained, so that he himself is embarrassed, said mother I know I was wrong, this thing is particularly fun, I can't control myself now, you come to help me manage well?
I don't have much time with my children myself, 0-3 years old is when I regret not spending more time with them, young parents at this stage, have time to spend as much time as possible with their children.
When you grow up, efficient companionship looks at quality rather than quantity, "chicken babies are not as important as chickens themselves" words and deeds are too important, and the sense of purpose and internal drive that parents pass on in life believe that children must be able to see.
#04
Every middle-class family
There should be "poetry and far away" in the heart
Nowadays, the problem of psychological depression in adolescents is becoming more and more serious, especially the middle-class children in the city who do not worry about eating and wearing.
I've seen a data before, released by the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, that shows that 24.6% of adolescents are depressed, with severity reaching 7.4%. Adolescent children, in particular, are confused, miserable, and do not know why they want to live.
From the Report on the Development of National Mental Health in China released in 2020
Many parents say that my level is not so high and I don't need to think about such a lofty issue, but I feel that for most urban middle-class families, this problem is already imminent, which is the lowest value of a family and will affect many decisions.
Everyone should have heard a lot of stories about more and more children choosing to end their lives, in the face of life and death, what are the achievements?
My husband has a prediction that is not necessarily correct, he said that in the near future, 95% of people will not need to work, in such a big environment, in the social media vulgar culture spiritual emptiness of the present, if there is no tall thing to support the belief, after the material conditions reach a certain foundation, if the spiritual level can not keep up, it will gradually lead to nothingness and collapse.
Whether for parents or children, the pursuit of the spiritual world is a necessity for the middle class.
Parents begin to consider such problems, but also to guide their children in advance is to think about their own life should go, role models and beliefs are very important in the parenting process. For middle-aged mothers, how to live for themselves in the second half of life is not only for their children, but also for their own soul questions.
One day, a friend came to me anxiously and said with great distress, "What can my son do if he has no dreams?" The conditions are so good, why do you want to be a salted fish? The child listened and asked:
So, Mom, what about you? What is your dream?