After graduating from 985, relying on his father to help find a job, how should this child be raised?

Text | Rice grain mother

Recently, I brushed an old father's complaining post, which detailed all kinds of disappointments in his daughter.

Looking at the full text, in addition to the daughter who "does not argue", the rice grain mother also saw a father who took the initiative to be "gnawed old".

The girl was a computer science graduate of 985 college, failed graduate school, and did not look for a job.

The girl was planning World War II, but she was not in much of a hurry, but her father was so anxious that he began to urge her from March and April: the graduation thesis is almost enough, or concentrate on preparing for graduate school.

But the daughter didn't take it seriously at all, stuck on a code for a long time, so the highly educated father solved it.

Finally able to get back on track with her graduation thesis, her daughter's progress was still slow, and her father was anxious to help again.

After graduation, the school has a temporary assistant job, a salary of 4,000 yuan a month, although it is not much, but there is a learning atmosphere, and the father also wants his daughter to experience the feeling of independence.

Unexpectedly, because her daughter couldn't stand not providing accommodation, she simply gave up the application and chose to go home to prepare for the exam.

After graduating, my daughter was still just playing around with her classmates, and my father saw that other classmates had a place to go, but my daughter didn't, and she began to get hot again.

As soon as I got on fire, I began to reflect on myself: I have done so much for my children.

Originally from his daughter's college start, many courses were completed with the help of this old father.

Okay guys, who's going to this university?

But this is not the most sad thing for the father, he said that he did not understand why he helped the child so much, but the child did not appreciate it, and even disliked his own advice.

The full text summarizes in one sentence that the father helps again and again, but the child not only does not succeed, but even impatient with the father.

Some people may think, isn't this a little white-eyed wolf?

But the rice mother just wants to say that behind this "new type of gnawing the old", there is a lot of learning.

In the past, when it came to "gnawing the old", young people's faces changed abruptly, and they were resolutely unwilling to let themselves be associated with this word.

Parents are even more reluctant to raise children who eat white rice, after all, it is not a shame to say it.

But now, the trend has completely changed.

Take the recent rise of "full-time children" (rice grain mother wrote about this: "full-time children" are out of the circle, when did gnawing old become so fresh and vulgar?). ), after graduating from college or resigning naked, he worked full-time at home every day as a child and received a salary.

Doesn't it sound ridiculous, but it's a relatively common phenomenon.

For example, the father, mother and grandmother of a post-00s daughter earn 18,000 a month on a pension, and a daughter in her early 20s can receive wages from her parents and elders when she does housework at home.

Daddy and grandma each take 2000, mom takes 1000, absolutely transparent salary composition, no workplace bullying, no need to leave early and return late, relatives are bosses, is there a more comfortable job in the world?

As for the work content, it is simpler.

Contract three meals a day, a variety of housework, conscientious will also provide value-added services, including but not limited to warm chat, private car driver, mother and daughter afternoon tea, etc.

There are more full-time children who only need to appear at home and provide emotional value.

But unlike the traditional gnawing of the old, this way of full-time children is mostly promoted by parents.

The reason is nothing more than feeling sorry for the child is too hard, plus the family does have this strength, so simply let the child lie flat.

Mother Migrain also knows that some children take advantage of the time at home to keep studying and work hard to prepare for the public entrance examination, but very few are really determined to go ashore.

Because such a day is so comfortable.

But the question is, can parents really raise their children for life?

Without the skills and means to make a living, when the harbor of shelter from the wind and rain of parents is no longer there, how can children grow up in an instant and shoulder the responsibilities on their shoulders.

In neighboring Japan, a man named Shin'ichi Makioka was a full-time son for more than 30 years, and he never went out to work even though his father was suffering from cancer and his mother was suffering from Alzheimer's.

After both parents died, he survived on his parents' meager inheritance, eating quick-frozen food every day until the inheritance ran out, and at the age of 56, he starved to death at home.

It is touching affection for parents to accept everything about their children with open arms, but simply letting their children hide under their wings just because they feel sorry for their children's suffering and fatigue is not to bury greater risks for their children's future.

Parents who actively are "gnawed" do love their children, but they also inadvertently let love turn into harm.

If parents are happiest that they can help their children, then what makes parents sadder is their children's unappreciation, but such stories are not uncommon.

Take the simple purchase of gifts, Mi Grain's mother brushed the chat record of a netizen and her mother a while ago.

The mother was traveling and wanted to buy a bag for her daughter, so she sent two backpacks that she thought looked good in the group for her daughter to choose.

But neither bag is the type her daughter likes, so she directly rejected her mother, clearly telling her "this is not wanted, I don't carry this backpack".

But my mother seemed to turn a blind eye, and was still persuading "you can all carry it cross, this is not a backpack."

Then, even though her daughter refused again and again, her mother finally paid for a bag and told her daughter: "This bag is very beautiful, if you like it, you will carry it when you come back." ”

This chat record is really suffocating across the screen. Parents ignore their children's needs, forcibly help and make decisions, and it is not a harm to children.

Just like the daughter who has her father to help study courses and write papers, is she in college life, she also thought about experiencing everything by herself, but at the urging of her father, she had to become a daughter with her hands spread and did nothing?

Breaking the child's plan and taking over the child's responsibility is actually to make the child an outsider in his own life.

In this way, even if the parents pay more, the child has no real feeling, let alone appreciation.

In addition, children's complaints about their parents' help may stem from the idea that this is not my business.

When we were in school, we often heard this sentence: Do you think you learned it for me?

Don't say, some children really don't take learning as their own business.

Mother Migrain saw such a story in the book before. Boys in elementary school have the bad habit of procrastinating, homework has to be put off until bedtime to write, and some manual extracurricular homework is not wanted to be done until the last minute.

In order to let the child have enough sleep, parents do not "do it for them", but in this way, the child's procrastination is aggravated.

Finally, parents made up their minds to help their children change their bad habits and supervise them forcibly every day, but they did not expect that their children became more and more resistant, and even brazenly grinded foreign workers.

The reason is that from the moment parents reach out to help, children think that learning is not their business.

In the matter of homework, he has no opportunity to choose and be responsible, he will be very anxious if he can't finish, and it will also be very frustrating to rely on his parents to complete, so he has a strong sense of resistance.

As Jia Pingyu wrote in the article "Father and Son": "Fathers want their sons to be themselves like snake molts, but sons are quite willing to fission like cicadas shedding their shells." ”

Children want to grow, but parents are worried that the transformation is too painful, entangled to the end, and delaying the child's progress.

You can't do it for you, and you can't leave it alone, so how should you master the degree in between?

Rice mom thinks that the recent popularity of "lazy parenting" is the best example - after setting the rules, it is all up to the child to play freely.

A blogger who wants three children to do housework will first state that "grandpa will take you to the amusement park in the afternoon", so the children are responsible for cleaning after meals.

After the instruction was given, the blogger immediately shut up and watched a few children clearly divide the work, washing dishes, cleaning up the table, cleaning up the garbage and a series of small things were arranged in an orderly manner.

But children are children after all, and the way of brushing dishes may be a little clumsy, and the tidying up of the floor is a little slow. Perhaps many parents have long been unable to hold back in this link, either starting to guide their children, or starting to do it themselves.

However, the blogger always adheres to the principle of "invisible and inaudible", allowing the child to toss himself, only responsible for the final check, and the completion will be encouraged, and the deficiencies will be pointed out for the child to correct immediately.

After some operation, the child has mastered the skills, and the parents are more worry-free.

Doing housework is still a trivial matter, and some bloggers also pursue "lazy education" in pocket money.

Give your child a certain amount of pocket money every week, spend it as you want, but tell your child that every amount of money must be booked, and the next distribution day will be exchanged for pocket money with the account book.

At the beginning, the child was inevitably a little proud, and spent a week's pocket money in three days, and the mother couldn't bear to remind her, and of course she didn't have a soft heart to advance in advance.

At the end of the week, the mother takes the account book and reviews with the child, which money should be spent, which money should not be spent, and which money can be spent slowly, guiding the child to think together.

After a long period of review, the child also formed the habit of rational management of money. Most importantly, he began to understand that there were more and more things he could control and take responsibility for.

In this way, parents do not need to "save flowers" to their children every day, let alone worry about their children "spending too much", and easily complete the money education.

Rice mother believes that the biggest benefit of lazy parenting is to maximize the initiative of children, liberate parents, and reduce the contradictions between parents and children, which is simply three birds with one stone.

In the end, not helping casually is to avoid making children feel that everything is covered by their parents and that there is no fear.

Pretend not to see or hear, control the hand you want to help, give your child the power to choose independently, and let him explore the mysteries of this world on his own.

You know, supervised communication is not education, and agency cannot allow children to grow.

Only when we are determined not to be gnawed "old", children will not become "small" who need to gnaw the old.

Personal profile: @米粒妈爱分享 rice grain mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning dry goods, educational experience and further education.