If the child plays abnormally, or has to choose a university far from home, how will parents respond?

This year's college entrance examination is about to give out scores one after another, and the hearts of candidates and parents are raised in their throats.

I hope that parents will not be blindly worried and anxious, but take the initiative to imagine different college entrance examination results. If the child performs normally and does the test ideally, then of course it is best. But if the worst happens, the child does not do well in the test and faces some important choices, parents also need to think about how to deal with it scientifically and rationally. Otherwise, it is easy to cause psychological harm to the child.

For example, if the test score is seriously not as expected, should I choose to repeat it?

If the test score is satisfactory, what should children pay attention to when filling out the college volunteers?

Moreover, when children make choices, they are likely to expose some signs of mental and psychological problems, parents should know how to identify, and solve problems in time before their children go to college, and try to avoid children's subsequent depression, bipolar disorder and so on.

01. If the child's college entrance examination is abnormal, should he repeat it?

Some children usually have good academic performance, but they play abnormally in the college entrance examination, and the college entrance examination results do not meet the expectations of children and parents, and there is even a large gap.

In this case, the child will definitely be devastated, and it is likely to shut himself in the room and cry, not talking to his parents, and the whole person will be depressed and depressed. Parents are also inevitably disappointed, anxious, and sighing.

It is completely understandable that parents have such a mood, but I hope that parents will adjust their mentality, control their emotions, do not complain and accuse their children, but have an in-depth understanding of the deep-seated psychological problems of their children's abnormal performance in the college entrance examination.

This part of the child is likely to have test anxiety, the most typical performance is that the small test results are good, the random test and monthly test results are more ideal. However, when it comes to the big exam, such as the final exam and mock exam, it is very nervous, even fearful, and finally the performance is abnormal, and the ranking plummets, which obviously does not match its usual academic level. And when I got the test paper afterwards, I saw that they could actually do many questions correctly, but they lost points because of so-called "careless" reasons such as lax examination.

This indicates that the child's anxiety before and during the test has exceeded the normal level, reaching a moderate or even severe state of anxiety. Under this strong negative emotion, their cognitive content begins to be catastrophic, resulting in a decline in their attention, memory, awareness and thinking ability, so the questions they would have done were not done correctly.

Some children even have physical symptoms, such as shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, and even panic attacks (feeling of suffocation, imminent death, paralysis or fainting, etc.) before the test, and need to be rushed to the hospital. This is a test phobia. But in general, children who can take the college entrance examination have not yet reached the level of test phobia.

In fact, test anxiety disorder is the most common manifestation of severe learning disabilities, and severe learning disabilities are likely to be early signs of mental and psychological disorders such as depression and bipolar disorder. Therefore, children play abnormally in the college entrance examination, and parents should attach great importance to it.

In this case, the child is often faced with 2 choices - either repeat or, according to this year's grades, attend a relatively less satisfactory university.

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The following we analyze the situation to help parents guide their children to make choices as rational as possible that do more benefits than disadvantages, and solve the psychological root causes behind them.

In the first case, the parents want the child to repeat the study, but the child strongly disagrees, or even gets emotional and rebels against the parents.

Many parents think that their children's usual academic performance is obviously very good, but the college entrance examination is smashed, and it is really a pity if they will go to an unsatisfactory university. They hope that their children will be able to persevere and spend an extra year to repeat their studies and work hard again for the future. Moreover, they think that children will be more experienced in the second test, and after studying for one more year, they will definitely be able to do better.

But the child does not agree with anything, is very emotional, and even has violent conflicts and conflicts with his parents. Parents can't understand why their children are so resistant, and even feel angry, accusing their children of avoiding problems, not being motivated, and not being able to endure hardships.

In fact, this reaction of children is likely to indicate that they have suffered a lot of superimposed psychological trauma in school, especially in high school, and their hearts are very painful and depressed. Instead of a so-called bright future and a better university, children want to get out of the environment of high school and get rid of pain.

Therefore, parents should understand their children and respect their children's wishes. The results of the college entrance examination are only the results of the stage, and do not represent the achievements of the child's life.

Even if the child goes to an unsatisfactory university, he can also improve his or her academic qualifications in many ways, such as college promotion, graduate school entrance examination, and continue to study through self-study examinations after entering social work. Even if you do not improve your academic qualifications, if children pay attention to cultivating their comprehensive quality and interdisciplinary learning when they go to university, it is entirely possible to become talents favored by society.

It is hoped that parents will have time thinking and learn to look at the college entrance examination from the perspective of their children's lives.

Although some children do well in the college entrance examination and go to a good university, they may not be able to really succeed, and the case of Bao Li and Zhang Yingying of Peking University is a typical example.

Although some children do not do well in the college entrance examination, under the active guidance of their parents, they continue to work hard and struggle, and it is also possible to make some achievements and realize the value of life.

Of course, before parents respect their children's decisions, they can peacefully analyze the pros and cons behind this with their children. The advantage of not repeating is that the child's learning pressure and psychological pressure can be significantly relieved, and it is relatively easier after going to college. But the disadvantage is that when children enter the society in the future, they may encounter certain difficulties in finding jobs because the school is not good enough.

If the child still does not want to repeat the study after the parents have analyzed the pros and cons with the child, parents can respect the child's choice, but guide the child to learn to take corresponding responsibility for his own choice. If you encounter difficulties in the future, do not push the responsibility to the outside world and others, but you can actively ask your parents for help and actively solve problems.

Parents can also guide their children to do a good job in life planning, take college as a new starting point, strive to improve themselves, make up for the regrets left by the college entrance examination, and try to give full play to the advantages of the choice of "not repeating" to avoid drawbacks.

In the second case, the child indicates that he must repeat his studies, must repeat his studies, or even have to be admitted to a certain university. This part of the children seems to be very combative and not afraid of setbacks, but there are actually a lot of hidden dangers behind them!

Generally speaking, if the child wants to repeat the study, many parents will show support and encourage the child, and think that the child is facing difficulties and is not afraid of suffering and suffering, and parents feel very gratified. However, parents must not take for granted that after their children repeat school, they will definitely be able to get better this year in the second year, and the result may be the opposite, and there are many such examples in reality.

Why is that?

As analyzed above, students who perform abnormally in the college entrance examination often have test anxiety, which is a common manifestation of learning disabilities.

If these students' learning disabilities are not dealt with and solved in a timely and effective manner, and coupled with the blow of failing the first college entrance examination, their learning disabilities may be even more serious. They may blindly "beat chicken blood" to themselves when re-reading, constantly put pressure on themselves, and their spirits are highly tense.

This may be a fruitful start, and the child has done very well. But this state is difficult to maintain, it is physically and mentally exhausted, and it is likely that it will soon be unable to hold on, and the learning state will decline significantly. Although I studied for one more year, I didn't improve much, and I might even be worse than the previous year.

In addition, repeat students often bear great psychological pressure, and they will be very nervous and anxious when they retake the college entrance examination, which in turn will aggravate their test anxiety, which may not perform well. If the second college entrance examination is really dysfunctional, they will suffer a major psychological blow again, the risk of major depressive episodes is high, and in severe cases, they may commit suicide.

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Therefore, parents should understand the hidden dangers behind this.

Similarly, parents can analyze with their children the pros and cons of rereading this decision. If the child still decides to repeat school, parents should guide the child to realize that he has a learning disability, and enhance self-awareness and self-adjustment ability.

At the same time, parents should learn more about learning disabilities, find ways to solve their children's learning disabilities, and if done well, they can even shape an efficient learning state for their children, so that they can do more with half the effort when repeating.

Here is a brief introduction to learning disabilities. Learning disabilities are not problems with the child's IQ or brain, but that the child has suffered a lot of superimposed psychological trauma related to learning behaviors and situations. For example, often encounter setbacks in learning situations, be severely criticized by parents and teachers, lack of recognition, and always feel angry and aggrieved because of this.

Parents should consciously help their children repair these psychological traumas, create a good learning environment for their children, and try to let their children combine pleasant emotions with learning behaviors and situations to help children rebuild new and positive conditioned reflexes on learning.

In fact, even the children in the first situation above, they do not choose to repeat school, but their learning disabilities must be dealt with, which helps to have a good learning state at the university level. It's just that because the learning environment of many universities is relatively relaxed, this problem is relatively less urgent, but I hope parents can realize this.

Like the patient we have received, Wei Tao, he has excellent grades in three years of high school, and teachers and classmates say that he is the material of Peking University and Tsinghua University. But in fact, he blindly "beat chicken blood" for himself in 3 years of high school, and sometimes he was obviously very tired, and he forcibly transferred himself to a state of excitement to continue studying. This learning rhythm and mentality is very unscientific.

As a result, because he was too nervous, Wei Tao played abnormally in the college entrance examination and suffered a huge blow. Although he did not choose to repeat his studies, when he was an undergraduate, he continued to study hard with the pace of high school, vowing to be admitted to a graduate school at a good school and vowing to prove himself.

Later, he was admitted to graduate school. But because he had been suppressed for too long, he was extremely excited after receiving the good news, and quickly swelled his heart, becoming arrogant and unsightly, and had a manic episode. Because of this manic experience, coupled with the major depressive episode he developed after grad school, he was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder and suffered from what is known as "major psychosis".

It is hoped that parents will take this as a warning and guide their children to adjust their scientific and rational learning mentality and learning methods in time.

For children, the abnormal performance of the college entrance examination is a very major psychological blow, parents should first understand their children, empathize with their children, and listen to them talk about their pain, sadness and resentment. Wait until the child's emotions are relatively relaxed, and then gradually guide the child to gain experience and lessons from failure, continue to grow, and even shape a high adverse quotient that is more and more courageous through this setback.

If this can be done, this so-called "failed" college entrance examination experience can become a child's life treasure and provide them with a steady stream of motivation.

02. If children want to go to university in farther places, should parents support them?

For children with relatively good college entrance examination results, they face another major choice - filling in college volunteers.

Assisting children to fill in the volunteer application is a great test of parents' educational philosophy and wisdom. Moreover, the importance of filling out the volunteer is not inferior to the college entrance examination, and different choices may affect the child's life.

In general, filling in the volunteer should comprehensively consider a number of factors, such as the child's score ranking, the child's interest intention, the admission line of each university in previous years, the comparison of the professional strength and comprehensive strength of the college, the employment situation of different majors, the trend of social development, the economic and cultural level of the city where the university is located...

In particular, when it comes to prioritizing between schools, majors, and cities, almost everyone has a different opinion.

If the child has a good score in the college entrance examination, knows the major he likes very well, has a very clear goal, and has a clear life plan, which is in line with the trend of social development, then he can "snipe" the most powerful colleges and universities in the major when applying for the exam.

If the child's goals for the major are not particularly clear, then I personally believe that the first consideration is the city, followed by the school, and finally the major. That is, the order of consideration is, city, school, major.

Why put cities first? Because when children go to college, they learn more than just what they learn in the classroom. For many college graduates, when they really enter the society in the future, the professional knowledge taught in the university only accounts for 30% to 50% at most, and what is more important is their social ability, way of thinking, level of thinking, cognitive height and breadth, and deep understanding of society.

The cities where they study, live and work play a very important role. Generally speaking, the more developed the economy, the more open the culture, and the higher the degree of civilization, the easier it is to nourish a person's temperament and quality.

Therefore, I suggest that when filling in the volunteer, parents can guide their children to give priority to economically developed cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Shenzhen, or schools in the Guangdong-Hong Kong Bay Area and the Yangtze River Delta region.

In addition, if the child fills out the volunteer, it does not matter whether he chooses the major or school, but he must go to a university far from home. No matter how the parents guide, if the child is unwilling to change the decision, parents should be highly vigilant at this time.

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We found in clinical psychological intervention that if the child is very stubborn to choose a school far from home, or even as far away as possible, it is likely to mean that the child has suffered a lot of superimposed psychological trauma from parents in the process of growing up, and has accumulated a lot of negative emotions for their parents, and they feel very depressed and painful at home, thinking that their parents are "controlling" themselves.

Some children have even developed psychopsychological symptoms that are enough to be diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. It's just that some parents still lack the awareness of recognition.

So after the college entrance examination, these children just want to stay away from their parents and their original families and get more freedom and relief. It is hoped that parents will improve the parent-child relationship, communicate with their children in depth, and understand their children's real thoughts.

But there is another situation that is more alarming. Some children are "good girls" and "good boys" on the surface, with excellent character and learning, but in fact, they are very depressed in their hearts, easy to suffer when alone, and may even have self-harm behavior, and even suicidal thoughts cannot be ruled out.

They are positive on the surface, but they are intentional or unintentional "disguise", which is a long-term simple and rough education learned by parents to observe words and colors, deliberately cater to parents' preferences, and perform very well.

This condition fits the characteristics of "smile depression," an extremely insidious and sinister type of depression.

Therefore, parents should take advantage of the fact that their children have not yet gone to college and are still by their side, hurry up to carry out "self-family therapy", deeply self-reflection, change and improvement, and improve the family atmosphere and parent-child relationship.

Otherwise, the child goes to college far away from home, the parent-child relationship is not good, and the child encounters any setbacks and difficulties that it is likely to not tell the parents at all, endure it silently, and do not know how to deal with it correctly. This can easily form superimposed psychological trauma, which will eventually lead to an emotional breakdown of the child and even a sudden suicide!

It is hoped that parents will seize the time of the last summer vacation before their children go to college, accompany their children with high quality, strive to be able to enter the child's heart, and even become a "teacher and friend" relationship with their child, so as to reduce the risk of mental and psychological problems after their children go to college.

In addition to the choice of city, children may also struggle in choosing a major. Some children want to study medicine and psychology, and as a psychiatrist who practices the Multidisciplinary Diagnosis and Treatment Model (MDT), I have recently provided a lot of analysis and advice on this aspect.

It is hoped that candidates and parents should make sufficient psychological preparations, adjust their rational and peaceful psychological state, and respond positively and scientifically no matter what the result is, so as to turn "bad things into good things"!