01
Ten sentences that hurt a child's heart the most
"Stupid, useless stuff."
Tell the child: You are not stupid.
Who labels children "stupid"? If you don't want your child to be "stupid", please appreciate your child in the ordinary, raise your thumb, a simple word, may affect the child's life.
"If I say no, I can't."
Don't play the "because I'm your dad/mom" aerony.
"Arbitrary action" is not the best way to educate, fear is not the same as convincing, respect the child's choice, learn to consult with the child, listen to the child's advice.
"I don't care about you anymore, just do as you please."
Don't say it without strength.
Don't impose parental will on your children and stop empty preaching. Respect is the best way, when criticizing the child, pay attention not to hurt the child, tolerate the child's "not doing the right thing", do not force the child to do things he does not like for the time being.
"Shut up, how can you just be disobedient?"
Don't insist that your child obey you.
Give children the right to argue and raise children with opinions. Learn to talk to your child, and silence will be more powerful when your child talks back to their parents.
"If you score a hundred, I'll buy it for you..."
If you... We will... take the child's performance as the condition as the goal and plan. The decision is up to the parent, not the child. The goal set for the child should be to jump to touch, to let the child know what they are cute for, to let the child know that learning is his own business, and not to take the child's score too important.
"The guts are too small, there's nothing to be afraid of."
Fear is actually a normal phenomenon in childhood.
Denying the child's fear is equivalent to denying the child's self, causing the child to feel powerless and frustrated. When the child feels afraid, it is better for parents to show timidity like a child, let the child know how normal it is to be afraid, and slowly eliminate the feeling of powerlessness in the child's heart.
"You're doing it wrong again, how can you be so stupid!"
"Oh, how come you are again..." Words full of complaints or helplessness are easy to blurt out. Allow children to make mistakes, give children the opportunity to grow themselves, and children after failure need more affirmation. Educate children to be neglected rather than blocked, do not label children randomly, and tell children to do one thing well every day.
"I don't have much to do when I see you, and in the future..."
Set the balance of expectations.
Never say to your child: You can't do it. To be a confident parent, the child needs to be appreciated, eager to be affirmed, give the child a chance to exercise, and drive away the shadow of inferiority in the child's heart.
"They are all children, how can you be inferior to others!"
Every child has its own uniqueness.
Educating children should not be unified, but should be taught according to their aptitudes, telling children that success does not lie in the size of the role. What is the key to making children good? Let the child learn to race with himself, let the child grow at his own speed.
"Just know how to play, but when it comes to learning, you don't have the spirit."
It is in the nature of children to like to play.
Let the child use the heart of play to learn, let the child learn in a relaxed environment, let the child play a video game appropriately, can not deprive the child of the right to play, play the child's self-confidence.
It's not me nagging, it's you who don't understand! Are you still like a boy/girl? Hear me, stop calling me! ......
02
The 4 aspects that children lack the most today
The absence of childhood joy
Lack of spiritual culture
Lack of affectionate communication
Lack of fulfillment
03
5 tips for mom and dad
1, growth is more important than success - children who can afford to lose are the most successful
2, experience is more important than ranking - excessive coddling causes children to be incompetent
3, pay more than give - give your child the opportunity to love you
4, dialogue is more important than confrontation - do not "compete" with children
5) Motivation is more important than accusation – appreciate your child and tell him "you can do it"
Educating children is a long and wise process, please use more positive and positive language to encourage children, less sarcasm, irony, so that children can grow up healthily in a warm and harmonious family environment!
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Do not know how to awaken the child's internal strength, you tired into a dog is also in vain! (Incredible case)
Wen | Qu Gang
This blog stems from a recent conversation I had with a young mother from a small city in Sichuan who loved her daughter so much that she brought her 12-year-old daughter to Beijing to learn English from me and stayed in Beijing for half a month. In addition to learning English, almost all the conversations she had with me were about her daughter's education, and it could be seen that this mother was trying to transform all her love for her daughter into the best education.
But a recent conversation with me made me discover her confusion: don't look at her single-mindedly seeking the best education for her children, but she is vague about the general direction of educating children, and her confusion represents the general confusion of contemporary Chinese parents about educating children. So I blogged my conversation with her here to inspire more parents on how to love their children.
"My daughter was admitted to Harvard Yale,
I'm worthy of her."
The mother asked me very solemnly: "Teacher Qu Gang, in the past 12 years of having a child, I have always had a great wish, that is, to give my child a great gift, this gift is to let the child go to Harvard or Yale University in the United States, I brought her to Beijing so far to learn English from you, all in order to achieve this big ideal." But I have never known how this ideal can be realized, you are so in-depth and meticulous in your research on education issues, I trust you, can you help me design a long-term plan to help me send my daughter to Harvard or Yale University step by step? ”
When the mother said the above, her expression was dignified, her posture was upright, and she had a pen and a notebook in her hand, and she wanted to write down what I said. She hastily recorded many of the things I had said to her for half a month in this book, and this book (and all the books in her bag) was full of the educational methods she had collected everywhere, and how thick her books were, how good her daughter's performance was.
I once said to her daughter: "Your mother will leave you a precious gift in the future, that is, these books she writes every day, when you grow up, you must keep these books of your mother, whenever you encounter difficulties, see it, feel this great love, there is no difficulty in life that cannot be overcome." ”
However, at this time, I was faced with such a sudden question - how to go to Harvard Yale, I was speechless for a while, because I had never been to Harvard Yale myself, how to give advice to others?
I was stunned for a moment, and suddenly found a way to keep the conversation going, and I beckoned the mother to sit down and give
She poured a glass of water, relaxed the atmosphere, and then asked her with a soothing look: "Why do you have to send your daughter to Harvard Yale, why?" When I asked her this question, I thought to myself, although the parents who are bent on letting their children be admitted to Harvard yale are not the majority, but parents who look forward to their children being admitted to first-class universities such as Tsinghua Peking University are not everywhere? Let's just delve into how parents think about their children's education in their hearts.
In the face of my question, the mother answered me firmly without thinking: "The best university in the world is Harvard Yale, and letting the child go to the best university is of course the best gift for the child, if this wish can be realized, the daughter is admitted to Harvard Yale, I will be worthy of her, even if I have completed her education, I will no longer care about her in the future." ”
I smiled and said, "You've taken so many notes to raise your child, will you leave her alone?" Wait and see, you will never give up on your daughter in your lifetime, in the future she will grow up and become a family, marriage and children, you will all intervene, be careful of the future pair Oh. Ha ha! ”
"The daughter's excellence comes from all over
I'm a mom with constant supervision and effort."
Mom was amused by my words, and the pen she was holding in her hand loosened. Seeing that she was in a relaxed mood, I immediately said: "Your daughter is the best, there is no doubt about it, let's say that she came to Beijing for half a month, her English progress is faster than some college students, just by virtue of her excellent strength to develop all the way, will it be difficult to enter a first-class university?" She is now in the sixth grade of elementary school, waiting for her to enter the university, maybe the Harvard Yale branch school is on your doorstep, then maybe there will be eight caravans to invite your excellent daughter to Harvard Yale, what are you worried about? Ha! ”
Listening to my words, the mother did not easily echo my smile, but a trace of hard-to-find sadness flashed across her face. After I laughed, the mother said sincerely: "Hey, Teacher Qu Gang, I admit that my daughter is very good, my daughter is famous in our small city, or how dare you give up the school course to ask for leave to learn English, because the school's course is not a problem for her at all, and delaying for half a month will not hinder things." But who knows, my daughter's excellence all comes from my mother's momentary supervision and efforts, she went to primary school for six years, I have not relaxed the supervision and supervision of her for a while, no matter the child's grades will decline, to be honest, I have exhausted with my children. She is a little older, after going to middle school, I really can't move, my daughter has now shown a little slack in learning, I am worried that one day in the future, she will rebel and stop, I don't know what to do then. ”
"Then how did you get your daughter to get into Harvard yale?" I asked her.
"Hey, in fact, it's not my real idea to let my daughter get admitted to Harvard Yale, I just don't know what kind of way to find a way to keep my daughter's learning motivation going, just challenge Harvard Yale, challenge the best university in the world, I hope to use the highest goal to arouse my daughter's motivation to continue to work hard, all the way." 」
"So how much do you know about Harvard Yale, and how influential have these two universities had on the world?" I continued to ask.
"This...", Mom couldn't answer, "all I know is that they are the best universities, and a lot of successful people come from there." ”
"So how much effort do you make every day to achieve your daughter's goal of going to Harvard yale?" I asked again.
The mother immediately said: "I now devote all my energy to my daughter's study, an average of 6 hours a day, I want to take care of all her life, send her to and from school every day, check all her homework after school every day, supervise her to memorize analects and learn something, memorize English words, and everything is busy until more than ten o'clock in the evening." ”
"What about your own work?"
"I... I've given up work to stay home full-time with kids. ”
……
(Parents, I have written the conversation with this mother in its entirety, in order to allow you to compare whether this is also the case with your children, and if so, or similar, the educational diagnosis results I will talk about below are universal to you.) ）
It does not awaken the internal force of the child's life
None of the parents were qualified
After the mother had finished all the words, she found that my expression was quiet, and she felt as if I was not casually chatting with her, but using rambling to bring her into a conclusion that I had designed in advance, but she did not know what conclusion I wanted to say, so she did not say much, only tentatively asked me: "Teacher Qu Gang, what I did was not wrong, what is wrong, although you said, I came to you to learn English, half of it is to solve the educational confusion ..."
Seeing that the paving is fully mature, I said bluntly: "All the sacrifices and efforts you have made in educating your daughter can be described as singable and touching, but unfortunately, like many, many parents in the world, you have ignored a major problem that should be done most in the education issue - awakening the awakening of the inner strength of the child's life!" ”
This mother listened to my speech and wanted to write it down immediately, but when she heard "awakening the awakening of the child's internal force in life", she stopped and she was stunned by this sudden strange term.
When the time was ripe, I said directly: "Please forgive me for speaking very bluntly, very meanly, and even very viciously - all the parents who do not awaken the inner strength of their children's lives are not unqualified parents, they are stupid parents, they are parents who have buried themselves and bet on their children at high risks, and they are still the parents who have mutilated their children!"
You have to be careful, all your sacrifices and intentions to your children may not get the best rewards, children do not necessarily follow the Harvard Yale route you envision, children are older, go to middle school, and you will fall into a difficult relationship of double tiredness and mutual hatred, just like the relationship between countless middle school students and parents, falling into the deadlock of not buying each other. ”
My words really startled this mother, she heard me deny her hard work, she inexplicably expected me to expand the words, expect me to wake up... Make sense of everything.
I said in one breath: "According to my experience of studying psychological problems, there are two forces in everyone's body, one is the physical force that we can see on the surface, called the external force of life, and the other is the psychological force that we cannot see on the surface, called the internal force of life." Man's physical strength is obviously weak, even the most powerful Hercules, his strength is not as strong as an ordinary cow, and the weight he can lift is limited.
Once people's psychological power is awakened, it is huge and infinite, and it can change the world, indestructible, and unstoppable. In the past, it was said that all human miracles are created by man, but today I tell you, specifically, it is created by the internal forces of man's psychology. Whether a person's life is strong or not, successful or not, happy or not, whether he is happy or not, does not depend mainly on his physical strength, nor does it depend mainly on his intellectual strength, but mainly depends on his psychological internal strength. ”
I continued: "A common misconception about education in contemporary society is that 'knowledge is power' or 'technology is power', and even excessively distorted into 'test score is strength', 'famous schools are strength', 'going abroad is power', and going farther and farther in this direction, all because people generally do not realize that psychological strength is the most powerful force. ”
"The internal force of the mind is an incomparably great force that God has justly placed in each person's body, and it exists in everyone's body like an incomparably huge nuclear battery. But God and everyone made a little joke that they didn't tell people about the existence of this huge battery, and only let a few people activate and wake up this battery through education.
All the educational activities that people receive are activating and awakening this huge battery in the human body. If the psychological forces are not awakened in the end, all educational activities will fail. And as long as this psychological force can be awakened, you can go to what school, what major to study, where to go to school, and what education you can receive. It's as if you can reach the other side of the river and take any bridge. ”
"The biggest mistake you make in educating your children is to regard the small goal of completing homework every day and which school to enter in the future as the big goal of educating children, and not realizing that awakening the psychological inner strength of children through educational activities is the overall goal of education." All the impressive achievements you and your child have made are not the result of the awakening of the child's psychological internal strength, but the result of the combination of your physical strength and the child's physical strength, and these two weak physical forces are not much bigger no matter how screwed together, so your mother and daughter have worked hard to complete the education of primary school students, and even you have no confidence, how far can this arduous road go..."
My words made the mother both stunned and curious, she did not care to take notes, but quietly pondered silently, trying to find out what questions to ask me, and could not find problems for a while. She thought for a moment and asked me: "Teacher Qu Gang, according to your point of view, all successful people rely on psychological internal strength to succeed, right?" ”
"Yes, but the success I said may not be the same as the success you said, the success you said may be more by name and profit, that kind of success does not necessarily depend on psychological internal strength, rely on relationships, rely on opportunities can also succeed, and when I say success, I mean that the heart is not weak, there is a sense of happiness, there is a sense of satisfaction, there is a sense of achievement, there is freedom, there is dignity of success, this kind of successful people may be obscure, not ostentatious in fame and fortune, but they can say to themselves without shame, a lifetime of happiness and no regrets." 」
I continued, "You put it bluntly when you send your child to Harvard yale, don't you want your child to be strong, safe, confident, happy, and free all his life?" Then I tell you, no matter how famous the university is, it is just a brand, not a safe, only if the child's psychological internal strength is awakened, giving her a lifetime of great power, is the best gift you have given her. ”
Source: The picture and text come from the network, invaded and deleted.
EDIT: Xiao Huang