What to do if the child procrastinates? Instead of constantly urging him, it is better to accompany him to find the source of the problem

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The other day, in a group of mothers, a friend asked this question:

13-year-old boy, what to do if you procrastinate?

Child procrastination is a problem and problem that many mothers face. But speaking of Versailles, our family has never encountered such a problem.

The child practices the piano every day without procrastinating, and also said that his favorite is the piano; First-grade assignments are basically unaccompanied, and most of them can be completed by themselves.

So I don't really have much experience and say in changing the issue of procrastination.

But a recent experience of my own gave me a lot of inspiration.

It made me understand why children don't procrastinate and how to keep them from procrastinating.

Certificate that dragged on for 3 years

Just the other day, I got my CFA certificate. This was supposed to be a happy thing, but it wasn't actually a hands-on experience.

I took the CFA Level 3 exam in late 2020 and received the news that I passed the exam around February 2021. In other words, at that time, I was eligible to apply for a license. But it wasn't until today, two and a half years later, that I really started doing it and became a licensee.

Why did it have been delayed until now?

My own explanation is that applying for a certificate requires paying a lot of membership fees every year, and I have no intention of changing jobs, so whether the certificate is of little significance or not, so I will not waste the money.

This reason also sounds plausible, and I have been convincing myself for more than two years.

But is this true?

In the past two years, whenever I have seen some opportunities to say that CFA is preferred, or that the unit statistics hold certificates, there are always some fluctuations in my heart.

Don't I really want to be licensed? Don't want to waste money, is it really not careful, or is it to cover up something?

What was I thinking when I procrastinated

When deciding to apply for a certificate, I also carefully analyzed my feelings and wanted to find out what the reason for my procrastination was.

Is this really hard?

After passing the Level 3 exam, I saw the guidelines for applying for a certificate issued by the group, which introduced the general process and requirements.

We need to fill in several types of information on the association's page, including our basic information, work situation, etc.

Among them, the more difficult thing is the introduction of the work situation, you need to explain how long you have been engaged in the work related to investment analysis, and you must also describe the content of the work.

The guidelines also say that if the association has objections to your work history, it will also notify you to add it.

Seeing these introductions, a lot of questions popped up in my mind.

How long are those tables? What do I need to fill in about the job? Do you want to describe the work in detail? Can I describe it clearly in English?

So, relying on my own imagination, I defined this matter as dozens of questions, huge long tables, describing each job in detail, and it must be similar to funds, securities, and other work directly related to investment analysis (mine is not).

Then, in my head, I managed to turn it into something really hard, something very big, something I didn't think I could achieve.

But what is the real situation?

When I really went to apply, I found that I didn't need even half an hour to fill out the form, my work experience was very suitable, I didn't need a complicated introduction, and I didn't even need 3 days to pass the application.

Why don't you even have the courage to try?

In fact, it is not difficult to understand this matter, it is very simple. Just log in to the association's website and open it.

However, in more than two years, I haven't tried it once.

What makes me rather find a reason to fool myself than to find out?

One day about three years ago, when I came home from work, I felt very tired and a little uncomfortable. So, I was alone for a while.

I don't remember the specific cause of the whole incident, probably in the communication with other people, who said something that made me feel "uncomfortable". But what exactly are you uncomfortable with? Actually, it's not clear in my heart.

In the past, whenever I encountered such a situation, I only stayed at the "uncomfortable" step, persuaded myself not to get tangled, diverted my attention, and used various methods to let the emotions pass.

But that day, I suddenly became very curious, just wanted to stay with the emotion for a while and see what was behind it.

I lay on the bed, allowed myself to relax, and went with the flow of my feelings.

It felt like being in a pool, and the body kept sinking and sinking.

At first, everything around me was not clear, and I felt that I had to face something that scared and scared me in particular, and I wanted to escape.

I insisted and told myself to see what was so scary.

Slowly, I entered a scene where the perception in my head became clearer.

It was when I was a child, surrounded by the yard where I used to live, and I was in the middle of the yard. That time, it should be that I didn't do well in the exam, or something didn't do well, my dad reprimanded me very harshly, and after saying that, he turned around and left, and gave me a blank look.

I was very afraid that if I was not good, my father would not like him from now on, and I was afraid of being abandoned.

That exploration of emotions made me understand that in fact, in many moments, my inner turmoil and helplessness were closely related to the past.

I thought it was the current situation that made me angry and anxious, but in fact, it was just the stimulation of the moment that brought me back to the state I used to be and reflected how I felt at that time.

It was also that time that I found the biggest stuck point in my life - fear of being denied and seeking recognition.

I finally understood that whether it was the attitude and tone of others in communicating with others, I felt "uncomfortable", or I cringed when faced with something and did not dare to try. Although they manifest themselves in different forms, in fact, the source is the same - the childhood self who feared being abandoned for doing wrong and thought that poor performance was not worthy of being loved.

If you don't apply for a certificate, you don't even dare to look at it, but I am afraid that if it is rejected, I will become an outcast. And in order to escape the feeling of being disliked, I would rather not do it in the first place.

Why children procrastinate

After saying so much about my feelings, I actually want to experience what children may be experiencing and why they are unable to act in the face of a thing.

On the one hand, we have to admit that there are some things that are really boring. For example, writing homework and practicing the piano.

When a child is faced with two things, the preference for choice will appear. And usually, the things that must be done must not be as interesting as the optional things because of the "must" restrictions.

This is a fact.

On the other hand, when children procrastinate, they must find it difficult.

But this difficulty is not the difficulty of objective standards, but the difficulty of children's subjective experience.

Just like when I applied for a license, it was as simple as petting a cute cat, but in my heart, the image given to it was a huge dinosaur.

The subjective difficulty is actually that the brain applies the previous feelings and automatically establishes a connection between certain things and certain feelings. When something similar arises, the feeling automatically jumps out.

It's like every time I face something that might be judged, I have to do it. It was because of that scene of being evaluated that triggered me to be said to be bad as a child, and even felt abandoned.

The same is true for children.

Although we have no way of knowing which feeling the child is activated. But when we feel that the child's procrastination cannot understand, why everything is procrastinating, and obviously very simple things have been unwilling to do it, we need to know that the child is not only facing this thing in front of him, but also many experiences in the past.

What to do if the child procrastinates

Stand with your child

I once heard a sentence that touched me a lot, and it also became my action guide when my child encountered problems later.

The phrase is: Do you solve the child with the problem, or do you solve the problem with the child?

When we see a child dragging himself and not doing something, our first reaction is to urge him.

When do you start writing assignments? Why don't you write your homework yet? How many times have you said it, but you haven't started writing yet?

When we approach problems with this attitude, we are actually standing with the problem. The child's feeling is that we are the opposite of him, helpless and isolated.

This way, not only does not help the child, but amplifies the problem and gives the child more pressure.

Or take the child's homework as an example, many parents may feel that their duty is to keep an eye on the child to see if he is doing it right and whether he writes neatly.

But I think the most important meaning of parental companionship is not to ensure the quality of homework, but to ensure that children can be supported every time they encounter difficulties.

Every time I accompany my children to do homework, I will read a book or code word next to me. I would ask her before I started, is there anything I need help with? She will also tell her that I am here and call me whenever you need help.

It's not that I don't care about the quality of my child's homework, I just feel that the primary goal of first grade is not to ensure a very high quality of homework, but to build her confidence in completing her homework.

This confidence is not because of how good she writes, but because she knows that when she has to do something, any difficulty can be overcome and solved.

This knowledge is not due to being told over and over again, but from our response and action every time, every day.

Reinforce good feelings

Some time ago, our family was "cut leeks".

Here's what happened.

One Saturday, I was playing with my children at the mall and met a certain program group interviewing.

The other party told us that they were from a certain program group, and the video of the child being interviewed, after they went back, they would look at it, and if they passed, they could go to the audition.

I was still more cautious, afraid of encountering scammers, so I searched for it on a certain degree, and it said that this show does not charge, and the content is mainly to lead children to find some traditional craft experience. (There is no bottom line here to condemn a certain degree...) ）

I thought it was good and I could let my child try it.

A few days later, we received a call from the program team asking the child to audition.

Just got the news, in fact, the child was a little resistant. She asked us, do you have to go? She didn't want to go.

The girl has not been a particularly willing child in front of people since she was a child, and she must feel nervous, and I understand it. But as she grows up, I also hope to be able to push her a little bit to make her more confident.

So I told her, yes, I made an appointment, I had to go.

She looked a little reluctant, but prepared a self-introduction and a short show.

On the day of the audition, her father accompanied her to the scene. She introduced herself very generously, danced, and also performed prominently in the follow-up impromptu imitation session, which passed very smoothly.

Then, we learned that to participate in the recording, we need to pay money, almost 5,000 yuan.

My husband called me to discuss whether to pay the money. My first reaction was, how does this feel like being scammed? Is it an IQ tax? I am more hesitant to pay money.

But the husband said that he felt that he should let the money be paid and let the child go.

He said that after the audition, the child told him that the name that the teacher read at that time, the first two were not her, she felt nervous and a little lost, but when she read the third name, the word "Yang" came out, she knew that it was herself, very happy!

After listening to his story, I immediately agreed to pay for the child to participate in the recording of the show.

Later, I talked to my husband about this again, and recalled the whole experience, and we found that in fact, the child did not want to go, she was actually worried that she would not do well.

He also said that we need to be clear about what the five thousand dollars are doing, it is not buying a recording program watched by outsiders, it is to get a complete and enjoyable experience for children.

As I said earlier, seeing that the child is hesitant to go, I hope that she can go out more confidently and actively. But what could give her such power?

It's not that we tell her you're great every day, or that we teach her how to do it, but from her real experiences and feelings.

When she experienced the joy and accomplishment brought by this event, when she encountered a similar scene, her own brain would immediately associate it with the pleasant feeling. At that time, without us saying more, she will make her own choice.

This method of building up a good feeling about a thing is also often used in our daily lives.

For example, when children play the piano, they will always learn new knowledge and encounter new problems in stages. At this time, I will design various small games to help her master.

Another example is to put some snacks next to you when writing homework, and eat something you like after the phased results are completed.

However, the purpose of this is not only to learn knowledge and complete homework, but I hope that she will always have fun thinking about playing the piano and writing homework.

Such a link can make something that is objectively difficult become subjective and not so difficult, which reduces the possibility of children wanting to procrastinate.

Break the fear of the unknown

Just like I've always found it hard to apply for a license, a lot of times we don't want to do something because we don't really know what it is.

Looking back on my experience, there are many times when some things are delayed and unwilling to start, but after really doing it, I find that it is not so difficult.

Children feel the same way.

They don't want to do it, sometimes because they don't know what to do. And the unknown is the easiest thing to be afraid of.

In behavioral design, there is a principle called the "five-minute rule".

When we are faced with a large and complex task, we feel a lot of pressure and find it difficult to start acting. At this time, tell yourself that only 5 minutes are done, no matter how much 5 minutes are done, it is a success.

When we really do 5 minutes, we will find that things are not as complicated as we think, and in the end we have done more work and even completed the task.

The 5-minute rule works because it solves 2 psychological problems.

One is to simplify complex tasks. What you do in 5 minutes is not too difficult, which makes it easier for us to accept.

Another increases the sense of control. Because knowing that you can choose to stop after 5 minutes, this certainty and selectivity reduces your sense of powerlessness.

Some time ago, I told my child about the 5-minute rule, but before I introduced the concept to her, we were actually acting in a similar way.

As she learns new tunes every week, she will chant new difficulties. I would tell her that every piece of music, until you have played it 5 times, don't think about whether it is difficult for her or not, just play it 5 times.

After playing it 5 times, I will ask her, is this piece difficult? She will answer immediately, not difficult.

After telling her the 5-minute rule, one day I came home late from overtime.

She finished her homework and told me that she was actually a little worried before doing oral arithmetic, but she thought of the 5-minute rule and started writing, and later found that it was not difficult.

The eternal topic we face in our lives is the unknown and change. Those who we look radiant are not only extraordinary, but also have the courage and ability to fight in the unknown.

And the cultivation of this ability is to face fear again and again in the process of growth, choose not to escape, break the unknown, and find a way out.

I've seen many parents say that their children procrastinate and want to get their children to do things faster. But in fact, procrastination is not only a matter of efficiency, but also a problem of psychological strength.

In the face of procrastination, instead of constantly urging him to solve the current problem, it is better to accompany him, find the source of the problem, and help him gain the strength and ability to use for a lifetime.

Instead of always urging their children to grow up quickly, parents should reflect on themselves: Do I really understand?

Parents need to keep learning, always reflecting, seeing themselves, and really seeing their children at the same time. And many times, the road is there, and what parents lack is only the key to open that door and walk that road.