"Three provinces and one body," "Three people, there will be my teacher", a great sage like Confucius must reflect on his words and deeds every day, let alone us ordinary people?
Knowing how to introspect and learn with an open mind can be said to be a good thing for personal growth, but not everyone can realize this.
Life itself is not terrible, what is terrible is that we lose ourselves and our direction in life. The self is divided into the inner and the outer, and the inner self is the sense of direction that dominates our lives.
Therefore, if a person does not have a clear and rational understanding of himself, it is easy to go to two extremes: one is the arrogance of the night lang and blind self-confidence; the other is self-hatred and self-pity.
Both extremes are extremely detrimental to personal development, but they are also relatively common. Just like the problem of older leftover women in today's marriage problem. Many women who are still single after the age of 30 have this problem of biasing their self-knowledge, which leads to their own being left behind
The 33-year-old Shulan was a little numb to her 7th blind date, and even wondered if the men who were dating her were not normal.
Shulan is a proper white-collar worker, living in a third-tier city, and the pressure and rhythm of life are just right. Her parents work in public institutions, she is the only daughter of the family, and her life has been relatively wealthy since childhood. She has never suffered anything since she was a child, and her parents are also more fond of her, never scolding her.
Shulan's study and work has always been relatively smooth, especially in academics, Shulan's grades are very good, coupled with the love of his parents, but also created Shulan's more powerful personality.
Before the blind date, Shulan had been in love twice, the longest one was only a year and a half.
The first love, only lasted for half a year, the man could not stand Shulan's nothing to do, unreasonable trouble. It is also the man who feels tired and tired, and can't bear it before proposing to break up.
The second love was a breakup proposed by Shulan on his own initiative. She felt that the man did not listen to him at all, and would never ask her for advice on anything he did. She doesn't want a boyfriend who doesn't listen to herself and isn't in control.
Relatives and friends around her have also introduced many men to Shulan, but Shulan always feels that those men are either too poor in economic conditions or not good looking enough, in short, none of them are their favorite.
From the age of 25, Shulan began the road to love, until now 33 years old, still single state. This also upset her parents. My parents went around looking for someone to help them with blind dates.
In fact, every man before the blind date, are screened by their parents, it can be said that they are more excellent, and they have passed the parental level. And Shulan is also a college graduate, and a white-collar worker, so, on the road of blind date, Shulan is also very confident, thinking that only he can't look at the man's share, and the man finds his own daughter-in-law and steals the fun! I am so good, I don't worry about getting married!
However, after 7 kisses, those men either rejected her, or added WeChat without the following, or they talked for a few days and then dispersed.
Shulan, who was once full of self-confidence, also felt depressed and full of confusion; "I have always felt that I am as expensive as a thousand gold, how come I have been on a blind date 7 times, and I still can't get married?" ”
I think that Shulan's problem is that in her self-perception, she has a deviation in self-perception, and most of us will also have such self-perception errors:
1. We are often used to overestimating ourselves
"There is a mouth to talk about others, no mouth to say to yourself", this sentence is often heard.
Yes, we tend to be harsh on outsiders, and it's easy to blame that person no matter what he does or says something unpleasant.
Conversely, if this happened to us, we would be much more tolerant and might defend ourselves and find reasons to spare ourselves.
Some women become leftover women, and that's a lot of the reason. They are very good, in terms of appearance and body, in terms of work ability, they are very good. But that doesn't mean you're perfect.
For example, there are such women around them, who earn 20,000 a month, but want to find a rich man with a wealth of tens of millions. If the man is not worth enough, he will resolutely not engage.
It can be said that this kind of women are typical representatives of treating others strictly and being lenient to self-interest, that is, because their evaluation of themselves is not objective and higher than reality, which leads to deviations in self-cognition, which also leads to problems in the concept of marriage and love.
2. Love can be impulsive, marriage needs values to match
Every breakup is a spiritual repair, but the failure of marriage brings not so simple as personal growth, otherwise there would be no "husband and wife or the original match", such an old saying.
The cost of breaking up is small compared to marriage failure, and it is easy to get out. Therefore, when in love, most people are impulsive, and they are more concerned about whether the two have feelings for each other, and do not care much about whether the values of the two match.
The fundamental factor that determines whether a relationship can last is whether the values of the two people are compatible.
Nowadays, there are not a few excellent older leftover women like Shulan, so why the 33-year-old Shulan kissed 7 times or failed, which is related to Shulan's own values.
The alignment of the two people's values is a two-way street, and they are chosen by each other, not one-sidedly.
Shulan's personality is strong, which does not mean that she is strong in her feelings. A strong woman can also be a gentle little woman in front of her lover.
Shulan's mistake is that she believes that the strong self should dominate the relationship, and the other party should obey herself, and such values are unacceptable.
Cognition determines life: never be such a woman with such a "thousand gold" heart and the life of a "beard".
Some women have such a mentality: they feel that they are rich and should live a princess-like life. And reality hit the face hard.
A strong woman seems to be very powerful, but in fact, she lacks the ability to love her lover and the ability to pay for her lover.
The women who make men most fascinated are often women who do not coordinate money and material things for the sake of love itself, and calculate gains and losses.
And often the leftover women put the hope of changing their lives in the future on each other, ignoring the real characteristics that they should have.
Advice to all older unmarried young women:
Instead of focusing on others, it is better to look at yourself rationally and comprehensively. Analyze your strengths and weaknesses and strive to make your heart more beautiful, stronger and kinder.
Such a woman is the most attractive, and we can be treated as a thousand gold by others, but we cannot always feel that we are as expensive as a thousand gold.