introduction
In the practice of education, we have found that many parents are often troubled by problems such as children's homework procrastination and rubbing, but they are struggling to find a suitable solution.
To solve the problem of procrastination and rubbing, we must first understand the real reasons behind the child's misconduct.
When a child behaves inappropriately, it is often not a phenomenon that we see on the surface, and we need to see the child's hidden behavior "password" through this phenomenon, and then prescribe the right medicine. Otherwise, our erroneous response not only failed to solve the problem, but also exacerbated the development of the situation.
Behind each of the child's misconduct, there is actually a purpose, and we can only find the purpose of the child's behavior through the appearance to truly solve the problem in a targeted manner.
01 Adler's "misbehavior theory" brings us educational implications
The famous psychologist Adler believes that all human behavior is stimulated by goals.
There is also a conclusion in psychology: children do not do things that have no purpose and reward. From the external form, the child's confrontation, rebellion and other behaviors seem to be random, but in fact, they are all for a certain purpose.
Adler further put forward the view of the "misconduct theory": that is, all the misconduct of children is basically derived from the following four purposes:
One is to seek excessive attention;
The second is to seek a certain right;
The third is out of revenge;
The fourth is self-abandonment.
Therefore, the external behavior of children writing homework looks similar, but the reasons and purposes behind them are different. Only by understanding the deep-seated motivations behind children's behavior can we obtain the "code" to crack children's misconduct.
When we find a way to identify the purpose and thoughts behind a child's misbehavior, we can help the child achieve their true purpose in a targeted manner, help the child regain a sense of worth and belonging, and thus solve the child's problem.
02 Behind the different scenes is the real motivation of the child's behavior
Let's take the child's homework grinding and procrastination as an example, first look at these four representative homework grinding and procrastinating scenes, different scenes behind the real motivation of children's behavior.
The first scene: parents ask the child to write homework, the child looks obedient to sit at the desk, but the small name hall is particularly many, one moment said to find stationery books, one moment said thirsty to drink water, one moment said that they could not hold back to go to the toilet, in short, quiet for a few minutes to toss a bit.
At this time, the real motivation behind the child's behavior is actually to "brush" the sense of existence and get the attention of the parents.
The second scenario: parents tell their children to write homework, but the children are reluctant to write homework, and even bargain with their parents.
At this time, the real motivation behind the child's behavior is actually that they are seeking rights with their parents, hoping that in this way, parents will give up their right to discipline.
The third scenario: Parents tell their children to write homework, but no matter how much parents urge, the child just stares down at the homework book but does not move the pen, muttering in his mouth that he will not do it.
The fourth scenario: the parents ask the child to write homework, but the child is very cold, ignores the parents, and does not look at the parents at all.
At this time, the real motivation behind the child's behavior may be related to the conflict between the parent and the child, and the child tries to express his revenge psychology through this uncooperative way.
At this time, the real motivation behind the child's behavior is the inability to write homework and self-abandonment in learning.
We understand the real motivations behind a child's misconduct and help us crack the "code" of a child's behavior.
03 "Three-step method" to crack the "password" of children's misconduct
We can use the following "three-step method" to crack the "password" of children's misconduct:
Step 1: Emotional pause. The point is that parents should not be provoked by their child's misconduct;
Step 2: Look for the password. That is, to find the real purpose behind the child's misconduct;
Step 3: Prescribe the right medicine. Solve practical problems with your child.
In the above four scenarios, the same parents ask the child to write homework, the child does not cooperate, but the purpose behind the child's behavior is completely different, and the purpose behind different behaviors has a matching correct response.
The first behavioral purpose: the child wants to seek the attention of the parents
The right encouraging response from parents to this is to make the child feel the attention of the parent by involving the child in a useful task.
1. Usually accompany children more;
2. Establish daily rules;
3. Respond to your child's recent performance in a timely manner;
4. Warm your child with love.
The second purpose: the child's right to claim independent choice
The right encouraging response from parents is to give their children a certain range and degree of autonomy.
1. Express ideas firmly and kindly;
2. Act in accordance with the agreed rules;
3. Cultivate mutual respect between parents and children;
4. Give your child a limited range of choices;
5. Solicit your child's opinion when setting reasonable limits;
6. Guide your child to use rights on the positive side.
The third purpose: self-abandonment
The right encouraging response from parents is to show trust in their children.
1. Constantly encourage children to overcome the difficulties in front of them;
2. Teach children basic learning skills;
3. Usually pay more attention to the advantages of children;
4. Affirm the child's daily efforts and regain the child's self-confidence;
5. Create opportunities for success;
6. Based on the development of children's interests.
The fourth purpose: the psychology of revenge
The right encouraging response from parents is to deal with their child's hurt feelings while inviting their children to sit down and communicate and exchange ideas.
1. Avoid punishing children for emotional influences;
2. Reflexive listening to children;
3. Make up emotionally;
4. Encourage the child's strengths;
5. Sit with your child to communicate and exchange ideas.
epilogue
If parents try to solve their children's problems in an emotional state, this will only make the problem itself and our parent-child relationship worse.
In this case, parents can first press the "emotional pause button", go to the emotional pause corner to do something to relax their body and mind, and wait until their emotions become peaceful, and then communicate with their children.
When parents can find the real thoughts behind their behavior through their children's misconduct, they will find that educating children has become more comfortable, which also prompts children to devote more energy to independent learning.