Many parents are very eager to understand the inner world of their children, but children, especially children who have entered adolescence, are not willing to talk to their parents deeply, which makes many parents feel very painful.
Today, I will support you parents with a few tricks!
Let's start with two sets of dialogues —
Dialogue 1:
Dad: How was it going at school today?
Bob: It's okay.
Dad: Is "okay" good or bad, and the teacher criticizes you again?
Bob: Oh, no!
Dad: That's pretty good!
Bob: Well, it's ok.
Dad: It's really three sticks can't make a fart, I don't know what you're thinking every day!
Bob: It's really nothing, Dad, I'm going to do my homework.
Dialogue 2:
Mom: Come, eat more carrots, rich in vitamin A!
Bob: I'm most annoyed with carrots!
Mom: Carrots are delicious, how can it be annoying! And it is very good for the long body, ah, do not be picky eaters.
Bob: (took two bites) Well, I'm full.
In these two sets of dialogues, parents' intentions are good, they want to understand their children's life in school, and they want their children to eat more vegetables.
However, at the end of the two sets of dialogues, Xiaoming took the initiative to end the chat position, an attitude of "can't afford to hide".
Is Bob too rebellious? Not necessarily.
In both sets of conversations, the way parents chat is very problematic.
What's the problem? It's just too purposeful.
01
When chatting with your child,
Please let go of purposeful thinking
What's so bad about a conversation that's too purposeful?
Let's look at an example from life, which is a conversation between two young men and women who have a good feeling at first.
Girl: It's really unlucky, the computer is dead again, the document I just wrote is not saved, 55555
Guy: How did it suddenly crash, was it a virus?
Girl: I don't know, maybe...
Guy: Install xxx antivirus, or XX antivirus.
Girl: Thanks, but I seem to have pretended.
Guy: That's too low, how big is the memory?
Girl: Uh, forgot. Let's talk about it tomorrow, I'm going to take a shower.
Guy: Okay, bring the computer tomorrow and I'll fix it for you.
It's a conversational record of people's indignation.
The girl's focus is on expressing emotions for comfort, but the guy is always dominated by purposeful thinking, trying to solve the problem of the girl's computer, the whole dialogue looks boring and boring, and the girl has to end the chat with the excuse of "bathing".
Such a dialogue should exist between computer users and technical customer service, not between young men and women who have a good feeling for each other.
Purposeful thinking is the thinking that has been promoting human development since the primitive hunting life.
Primitive societies, without purposeful thinking (hitting prey), humans could not meet the needs of survival.
So this kind of thinking is accompanied by alertness, opposites (where there is prey, how to kill prey).
Unlike chatting and making a living and hunting, emotional communication comes first.
Parents and children chat is the same reason, if the purpose is too strong, not only makes the dialogue seem to lack emotional interaction, but also makes the child's psychology and emotions in a state of stress.
For example, in "Dialogue 1", the mental activity of Dad and Xiaoming is like this -
Dad: How was it going at school today? (There's something wrong with this kid, is he causing trouble again at school?) ）
Bob: It's okay. (Alert!) alert! Daddy is spying on the military! ）
Dad: "Okay" is good or bad, the teacher will not criticize you again, right? (Don't fool me, there must be something!) ）
Bob: Oh, no! (Oops, Dad's going to get mad!) ）
Dad: That's pretty good! (Is it really okay??) ）
Bob: Well, it's ok. (There's really not much to talk to him about.) ）
Dad: It's really three sticks can't make a fart, I don't know what you're thinking every day! (Ask what not to say, how to communicate with him!) ）
Bob: It's really nothing, Dad, I'm going to do my homework. (Hurry up and withdraw...) ）
02
Avoid preconceptions,
Ignoring the child's emotions
Some parents are always anxious to draw conclusions when chatting with their children, or are eager to negate their children's views with their own views.
For example, the mother in dialogue 2 is eager to correct the child's "hate carrots" view, and the result is that the child does not obediently eat more carrots, but directly ends the conversation.
Let's look at another set of examples -
Dialogue 3
Bob: Dad, I don't want to learn math!
Dad: Why?
Bob: Math is too difficult, and many problems can't be done.
Dad: You are afraid of difficulties, or you are not serious about listening to the lectures.
Bob: But I listened carefully to the class and studied hard.
Dad: Mathematics is very important, in the future we will also learn physics, chemistry, mathematics is the foundation!
Bob: I know it's important, but I just can't learn it.
Dad: That's because you haven't worked hard enough, you have to learn if you can't learn, do more practice problems, understand every question that you can't do, can you still learn well?
Bob: Oh.
It can be seen that Xiaoming's father is actively "guiding" Xiaoming, he believes that Xiaoming has insufficient understanding of the importance of mathematics, not only with "fear of difficulties" and "not serious about listening to lectures" directly labeled and draw conclusions, but also given "solutions" such as "doing more practice".
However, children are not unaware of the importance of mathematics, "do more problems", "correct the wrong problems", the reason is understood, but why still do not want mathematics?
In fact, the child's complaint that he "does not want to learn mathematics" is not really not going to learn mathematics, he is just venting his bitter emotions and seeking comfort.
You will find that strong purposefulness, direct conclusions, and a focus on solutions, with these characteristics of the way of dialogue, can not let the chat into a relaxed atmosphere.
Parents who chat in this way do not focus on responding to their children's current emotions, but focus on the future.
So, what does a good way to chat look like?
03
What is a pleasant, relaxing way to chat?
The way to relax people chat is to make things specific rather than generalized, to respond to each other's emotions and emotions rather than to solve problems as tasks.
We all have this experience, when chatting with friends, we will not be as nervous as in front of customers or leaders, will not tense up the nerves and always think about the purpose and intention of the other party, but respond to the emotions of friends and tell their feelings.
For example —
"Autumn is really coming, it feels so cool." (Feeling of the moment)
"Yeah, this temperature reminds me of the time last year when a few of us went to Momiji Valley." (Respond to each other's feelings, tell the memories of the connection with the other person)
"Haha, I remember you brought back a few red leaves to make specimens." (Respond to each other's memories and make the conversation more specific)
"I have collected a lot of autumn leaves, as well as the ones I collected in XX the year before..." (specifically, divergent)
Similarly, like Dialogue 1, we could have talked about it like this—
Improved Dialogue 1:
Dad: Did today's lesson have fun? (The topic incision is very specific)
Bob: It's okay, the language texts are boring. (Express feelings)
Dad: Some of the texts are not very interesting. Nature class will be better, don't you like nature class? (Response to feelings)
Bob: Nature class is fun, today I talked about a lot of ways to identify directions. (Concretization)
Dad: What's the way, Dad will only look at the sun to discern the direction. (Talk about yourself, re-concrete)
Xiaoming: Dad is so stupid, you can also watch the Big Dipper at night, and you can also see which direction of the canopy is thicker. (Emotional interaction, further concretization)...
You will find that by focusing on responding to each other's emotions and engaging in moderately divergent chat methods, you can make the topic continue endlessly, and the chat can continue, so it is very simple to know what information.
04
Talk to your child like this,
Can't stop at all...
1. Start with specific topics.
The topic of "how is life in school" seems very abstract and general, and it is difficult for children to answer.
The more specific the topic, the better, the course, recess games, recess meals... can be used as an entry point.
2. Start with someone else's business.
Children may be instinctively alert to parents directly asking about their own situation, so they may wish to talk about other children, neighbors, classmates, etc.
For example, like this -
Dad: I just saw Li Lei downstairs, and he didn't seem to be very happy. (From the child's peer chat)
Bob: Well, today he was in class and talking at the same table, and he was criticized by the teacher.
Dad: It's definitely not good to be criticized by the teacher, no wonder he's not happy. (Empathy)
Bob: Yeah, when I came back from school with him, I didn't say a few words. (Describe the details, get into the chat atmosphere)
Dad: Haven't you been criticized by your teachers? (Topic Migration)
Xiaoming: Well, a long time ago, Teacher Li said that I was careless in doing the problem.
Dad: Will you be sad when the teacher said you? (Focus on emotions)
Xiaoming: At the time, I thought it was a bit, and later I would check it well after I finished doing it.
3. Do not deny, first empathize.
The child expresses negative emotions, do not rush to deny, but first show understanding.
For example, dialogue 2, in fact, you can talk like this -
Improved Version Dialogue 2
Mom: Come, eat more carrots, Mom thinks it's delicious.
Bob: I'm most annoyed with carrots!
Mom: Huh? Do you dislike its texture or taste? (Do not deny, first identify with the child's feelings)
Bob: Taste.
Mom: Mom didn't like it very much before, but later heard that eating more carrots is good for the eyes, and slowly I ate more. (Talk about yourself, empathy)
Bob: (I tasted it) Next time I put it in the stew, I think it's better than this stir-fried.
Mom: Okay, next time stew with your favorite ribs.
4. Just listen, don't preach.
When many parents chat with their children, they always think of "educating" and "guiding" their children, ignoring the creation of a good atmosphere and letting the children speak their hearts.
In fact, being a listener, it is easier for children to say a lot of heartfelt words, after such a long chat, children's trust in parents will be greatly improved, and they will like to talk to parents more and more.
END
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