Everyone has their own principles of doing things, some people's principles of doing things will make people always be in the beneficial aspects of life, and some people's principles of doing things are only for their own selfish desires, and they will impose their own private principles on those around them.
The former do things to tell the truth, logic, and reason, and the latter only to satisfy their own current desires, so their behavior can only keep them in a useless aspect.
How do you measure whether what a person is doing is beneficial or unhelpful? It depends on whether they are doing things for others, for society, or just for themselves.
Someone might ask? Doesn't it say that psychology encourages people to pursue themselves? Is there something wrong with meeting your own needs?
At first glance, such a question may seem fine, but the truth is not so simple.
In the first 4 to 5 years of life, babies learn from their nurturers how to treat people and develop the ability to get along with others, that is, the principles of doing things (called life style in Adler's individual psychology), that is, how to think, act and make decisions.
Therefore, if you want to understand a person's principles of doing things, you need to understand his early childhood experiences, and the more detailed the better.
We all know that children must gradually develop the ability to deal with society, others and groups in kindergartens and schools, that is, social adaptability.
This ability, in the family of origin, cannot be developed by living alone with the most important nurturer.
Because the child can only learn to get along with the nurturer alone (mostly the mother), to put it bluntly, how the nurturer educates the child, the child will grow into what it will look like. He could not adapt to living in harmony with others other than his mother.
However, the state needs to assume the ability to cultivate social talents and promote the harmonious development of society, but the state and the government cannot have direct contact with these children.
So there are some educational policies issued to the school, and the school will take on the responsibility of educating the child.
In the miniature society of the school, the child will be exposed to people who are completely different from his parents (teachers, students, etc.), and he needs to show different images in the family and school to meet the needs of teachers, classmates and parents.
The uniqueness of the family environment prevents the child from expressing his or her complete and true self in front of the nurturer, and the school will stimulate the other side of the child that he cannot show at home.
The so-called other side is the only principle of behavior that children learn at home with their parents. In other words, children apply what they learned from their parents as children to their relationships with others.
This way we will know if these children will be able to integrate into group life.
Adler believes that "school is like an experiment or a test strip, whether a child can properly adapt to society and face problems, immediately know when he arrives at school." The wrong style of life is often hidden at home, but when you get to school, you will have nothing to hide. ”
Everyone, whether a child or an adult, needs to develop the ability to contribute to others when they are alone, such as listening, comforting, helping, tolerant, respecting, trusting, and problem solving.
Because in fact, all the troubles that can bring practical meaning to people are interpersonal obstacles.
When you don't get along well enough with others, when you're misunderstood by others, when your actions can't achieve commitment meaning, when you don't face a relationship honestly, all kinds of troubles arise.
In the family environment, the individual is only the recipient of the information and does not have enough power to be his own. And only what the individual does when he enters the group is what the individual wants to look like.
For example, children who are active and unable to concentrate in class are destroyed by their ability to pay attention to certain things for a long time while they are at home, and on the other hand, they need to rely on unhelpful behavior to get the attention of others.
This is enough to show that this child is either "spoiled" in the growing environment to be concerned by his parents all the time, or he has been ignored by his parents for a long time, so that he hopes to regain the attention of others in his own way in the new environment.
These acts of undermining the rules and order of society must be opposed or guided, otherwise the meaning of helping children develop a sense of society will cease to exist.
In short, what the teacher has to do is to correct and guide the child's irrational behavior, and actively observe the child's behavior, and communicate effectively with the child's parents in time to achieve the purpose that both parties can better understand the child.
Because only when we truly understand the purpose of the child's behavior can we guide it correctly.
In this way, when children's behavior is continuously corrected and guided, they will gradually develop the ability to adapt to society, and they will realize that their original way of doing things cannot be in harmony with the group.
In order to achieve the goal of living in harmony with others, they need to make some behavioral changes.
Having the ability to live in harmony with others, i.e. a sense of society, is the ultimate goal of people. No one wants to go on a lifetime without contact with anyone. Usually people with depression have inner ills that stem from thinking they are understood and amplifying their emotions.
Having harmonious interpersonal relationships and being interested in the needs of society and others is the basic ability of people to coexist with society.
However, people who do not fully develop this ability will move upwards towards the unhelpful side and eventually do something that is beneficial to themselves and cannot enhance their sense of society. Examples include embezzlement, theft, or other things that satisfy one's own needs for the purpose of harming others.
They are undoubtedly violating the bottom line of morality and law, and in a short period of time, they may also find people who have no social common sense and social sense like themselves, but from the perspective of the whole life, they are naturally isolated individuals who are very difficult for normal people to accept.
In other words, individuals who can contribute to society through their own meager strength are the ones who truly have a sense of society and will be accepted by social values.
The reason why many people will walk towards the useless aspects of life without scruples is because they think that they have no superior ability to become the object of praise and recognition of other people.
In fact, they don't need to put so much pressure on themselves to complete their mission and be the most perfect person. As long as you start from the relationship in front of you, doing something practical is enough to fulfill the feeling of being needed by yourself. For example, cooking a meal for your family, chatting with your parents or friends often, learning to listen, and being more efficient and focused when dealing with work.
Continuous self-improvement, and then showing the reshaped self to others, will make it easier for you to get along with the people around you. Gaining a sense of society and the attention of others is not as difficult as you might think.
Society is made up of all individuals, and each of us needs to work and live in this community that we all build together. Therefore, having a sense of society and building harmonious interpersonal relationships should be the common goal of people. I also hope that more and more people can figure this out.