Curator, Writer / Chris
Editors / KY Creators
This week, the background received two messages like this:
I believe that many people have, or have had similar confusion: when getting along with friends, they have some ideas that go beyond friendship, both worried that they have missed the most intimate person, and worried that they will break it, and finally even their friends will not have to do it.
How should I transition from friendship to love? What is it like to go from friend to lover? What is it like to be in love with a good friend? How to judge whether a good friend can develop into a lover?
Today, we will talk about the matter from friendship to love.
*The discussion in this article applies only to heterosexual contexts, and sexual minorities may have different situations.
There are many ways in which love happens.
We've seen at least two examples in our lives, in the television media—
1) Strange men and women fall in love at first sight in social occasions and fall in love in romantic dating;
2) Friends slowly develop attraction between each other, and finally in the middle of the night finally reveal their hearts to each other...
However, many times when it comes to romantic love, people will naturally substitute for the first scene. Even psychologists tend to focus only on the former when conducting various studies on love (Stinson, 2021).
The researchers analyzed a sample of published articles on how love begins and found that 84% of the articles involved dating initiation romantic relationships, such as dating attraction, shame, and so on.
Only 18 percent of articles involved friends-first initiation romantic relationships, such as studying sexual attraction in relationships.
Arguably, psychologists have put considerable effort into studying the spark of attraction that comes with when two strangers meet for the first time, while largely ignoring the way to start a relationship from a friend.
One possible reason is that it is relatively easy to control various variables and realities than to conduct studies related to attraction and favorability among strangers in acquaintance relationships, and it is relatively easy to draw meaningful conclusions.
Another possible reason is that psychologists are also limited by cultural scripts (Stinson, 2021). That is, because of the influence of the cultural environment, there will be certain stereotypes about the specific behavior of love. For example, does the following process feel familiar to you?
Love begins
Men feel sexually attracted to women,
Thus taking the initiative to take action "pursuit",
Let women know their interests;
And women focus on staying attractive,
Waiting for men to act,
……
In many cultures, there are scripts that rigidly explain the process of love beginning, but there is no corresponding cultural script to describe the process of developing love from friends (Mongeau & Knight, 2015).
This may be based on the differences in our imaginations of love and friendship – lovers are charming, mysterious, and attractive, while friends are not (Aron et al., 2008). These cultural biases may be preventing people from discussing the various ways in which love happens.
Therefore, in the subtle influence, the process of people "from friends to lovers" is strange and confused, and there is a lack of professional information and research for reference.
Even sometimes, people still have such a doubt: is the love that develops from friendship true love?
While we may still know very little about the process from friend to lover, researchers have found that "first friends, then lovers" is a common way of falling in love.
A meta-analysis that looked at seven sample populations found that two-thirds of nearly 1,900 participants reported that they and their partners were "in love from friends," and that their friendships with their partners lasted an average of nearly two years before they became lovers.
In addition, compared to starting with a colleague relationship, a classmate relationship, a friend introduction, etc., 47% of people believe that "a friendship turning romantic" is the best way to develop a romantic relationship (Stinson, 2021), (in addition, people think that online dating and blind dates are the two worst ways to fall in love).
This may have something to do with the human experience of intimacy. Researchers have long discovered that there are at least two types of intimacy (Berscheid, 2010):
One is passion-based intimacy, an intimate experience that includes emotionally positive romantic arousal, sexual attraction, and passion, of which dopamine is an important participant;
The other is friendship-based intimacy, an intimate experience that includes cognitive, emotional, and psychological interdependence, warmth, and understanding, of which oxytocin is an important participant.
Under the influence of cultural scripts, it is easy to stereotype that love should start with passionate dopamine, and then slowly experience oxytocin that makes people feel interdependent and trusting.
In reality, however, the biological behavioral connection between these two intimate systems is two-way (Diamond, 2003). That said, the opposite is entirely possible – the two develop a deep friendship and then experience the passion of dopamine at some point in the future.
As consulting columnist Ann Landers puts it: Love is friendship that has caught fire.
People naturally become friends, and then, after getting to know each other, feel attracted and interested, which is the "love of friendship" (Storge, from the ancient Greek στοργ).
Friendship love, a love based on deep friendship, is a kind of love that people slowly build attachment to, filled with warm trust in their partner, and then produce lasting commitment. It doesn't depend on passion, so it tends to be more stable. For true love should be deeper and richer than pure passion.
What a happy and enjoyable thing to be able to turn our best friend lover into a lover who is intertwined with our lives.
In heterosexual friendships, there is often a possible choice question: do you want to continue the friendship, or do you develop love?
So, what kind of friendship may develop into love? Let's take a look at some of the common situations we've summarized, from friendship to love!
1) Friendship, which is inherently "impure in purpose", develops into love after ambiguity
Obviously, some friendships are not really platonic. Hidden passion desires are the real motivation behind this relationship. After all, about 30%-60% of friends of the opposite sex report at least moderate sexual attraction to each other (e.g., Halatsis & Christakis, 2009).
The beginning of this kind of heterosexual friendship may have a romantic element, but it may be temporarily out of such considerations, the two chose to maintain a friendship relationship. This type of friendship often develops into love after a brief period of ambiguity as the degree of understanding deepens.
2) Because of some opportunities, the essence of friendship has changed and sublimated into love
There is usually no "exclusivity" in friendship, no "sexual meaning", and it is an equal partnership. However, in the process of heterosexual communication, sometimes there will be some opportunities to "spark", such as a pouring out of the money, or a night of conversation...
At this time, they will begin to re-examine the relationship with this friend, so that the "exclusivity" and "sexual meaning" that should not exist in the friendship begin to sprout - the friendship is sublimated into love.
3) The essence of feelings has not changed, and the growth of the concept of mate selection has brought love
Most people have had close friendships with the opposite sex, especially when they were students. Although it is often difficult to maintain close heterosexual friendships after leaving campus (Marshall, 2010), many people choose to fall in love with their classmates of the opposite sex.
When we are young, our understanding of love may be tainted by film and television works — love must be heartwarming, vigorous, and blind. Therefore, we simply classified the students who cared for and helped each other as friends.
As we get older, we may begin to understand that love can also be a long stream, plain, deep and solid. At this time, looking back at this familiar person around you, knowing each other for all these years, are you a friendship, or a missed love?
First of all, there is a big premise in discussing this issue, and that is that there is true friendship between you.
In true friendship, you and your good friends know each other, respect and trust each other, get along easily, can sincerely feel happy for each other's success, and you can feel that the other party is your important social support.
Only when you and the other person agree that you are important friends with each other will your emotional needs be seriously considered by the other party, rather than being used by the other party (such as developing into a "gun friend").
Second, you have a strong enough willingness to commit and can give up other potential romantic relationships for the sake of the relationship.
Many times, the reason why a good friend can't develop into a lover is that in this intimate relationship, the individual's need for intimacy is not sufficiently satisfied, such as lack of passion and desire. Only when most of an individual's needs in an intimate relationship can be met in a person that he or she has a strong enough willingness to transform friendship into love.
If you're still hesitant, you can think hard about what's holding you back, or that's why you can only be friends. If you're willing to commit to your best friend, it's time to escalate that friendship.
Finally, if you're willing to risk losing this relationship and turning this friendship into love, then pluck up the courage to test it!
It takes courage to move towards love at any time. Sometimes you like a good friend, but the other person's attitude is ambiguous, and you need to take the risk of failure.
But it doesn't matter, you don't have to play a straight ball to confess as soon as you come up. You can observe whether the other party has this idea in your usual interaction. Are you two lovers, or are you being sentimental? Is he tickling me? Or did I think about it too much? The scientific method of identification is here!
If you find that the other person does not accept the offer at all, you can readjust your expectations of the relationship. If the other party's response makes you very confident, then congratulations, confession is the clarion call for final victory!
Writing this, I would like to ask everyone: Do you like (ever) your good friend?
Good night
Interaction Today: Have you had the experience of developing into a lover with a friend? Do you have such examples around you? Welcome to the comments section!
References：
Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., Strong, G., Acevedo, B., Riela, S., & Tsapelas, I. (2008). Falling in love.
Berscheid, E. (2010). Love in the fourth dimension. Annual Review of Psychology, 61, 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318
Diamond, L. (2003). What does sexual orientation orient? A biobehavioral model distinguishing romantic love and sexual desire. Psychological Review, 110(1), 173–192. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.110.1.173
Halatsis, P., Christakis, N. (2009). The challenge of sexual attraction within heterosexuals’ cross-sex friendship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(6–7), 919–937. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509345650
Marshall, T. C. (2010). Gender, peer relations, and intimate romantic relationships. In Handbook of gender research in psychology(pp. 281-310). Springer, New York, NY.
Mongeau, P. A., Knight, K. (2015). Friends with benefits. In Berger, C. R., Roloff, M. E. (Eds.), The international encyclopedia of interpersonal communication (Vol. 2, pp. 692–696). Wiley-Blackwell.
Stinson, D. A., Cameron, J. J., & Hoplock, L. B. (2021). The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science.Social Psychological and Personality Science