By now you may have noticed that finding a good partner doesn't really make a difference. Whatever you want, the more you look among a large number of potential suitors, the more you will find one inappropriate object after another.
Why?
In theory, actively looking for a partner sounds better than passively waiting. Yes, action is better than inaction, but the quality of your actions is also important. There is a middle ground between forcibly looking for a relationship and doing nothing to wait for someone to fall from the sky. Just looking for something haphazardly has very little effect.
If you notice that most people around you who have happy relationships find a partner without obvious effort. Sure, they put in the effort once the relationship is established, but the process of finding it seems easy. They just meet this person "randomly" through a mutual friend, a dating app, or anywhere.
Why is that?
When people simply prepare for a good relationship and then get people to come to them, they get more success. It's the way they approach dating that makes the difference. A lot of times, they don't even try to go on a date at all.
Think about it: in your life, people come and go. The odds of finding a good man are great because men are everywhere. If you don't find the right person, the problem isn't that you're not making the effort to find it, but that your life isn't attracting the right person.
How to attract a good boyfriend
I'm not here to judge you or tell you how to live. There's nothing wrong with being single. But if you don't want to be single anymore and you want to start inviting great men into your life, take a look at these tips on how to date differently.
1. First, stop trying to avoid bad boyfriends
You may think you're focused on positive qualities in a man, but that's not the case. Most people don't.
Often, people think they're looking for a "good boyfriend," but in reality they just want to avoid a bad boyfriend.
There is a difference between these mindsets.
When you want to avoid a bad relationship, your energy is put into disqualifying the person you're dating. You'll silently judge them, trying to pick out the little "signs" that they don't deserve. If a man doesn't meet your requirements, you'll kick him out quickly.
I know a guy with this style of dating. She was a little older and had been ridiculed many times before. Because of this, her dating life is about observing the men she's dating with a paranoid attitude and waiting for them to show "disrespectful," "mischievous," "arrogant," and many other vague adjectives.
She was looking for a reason to reject them without even realizing it. She probably does this because, deep down, she knows it's much easier to reject a guy than to take an emotional risk to try to date him, even if he's not perfect.
You might understand why this is an unrealistic way to date.
Instead of trying to avoid an inappropriate partner, focus your attention on traits you really want. Maybe the first guy you meet isn't what you're looking for, but he may have some qualities you can appreciate. Enjoy what he has to offer and then move on.
Learn to discover and appreciate what you like about other people, and you may suddenly notice that there are already a lot of potential good boyfriends in your life.
Does this mean you should tolerate a man's really bad behavior? If he really disrespects you, insults you, constantly breaks promises, or physically hurts you, can you accept it? Of course not.
When you're too focused on what you don't want, when you reject men prematurely for it, try to capture that.
2. Don't think you know what you want
That sounds ridiculous, right? Who knows better than you what you want?
Well, yes, you are indeed the ultimate decider of what you want in your life, and it's true that no one can know this better than you. It's just that even you may not know that few people can do this without enough experience, and even then, our desires may always change randomly.
Many people have a mental list of the partners they want. However, all of these are theories, and as you gain more dating experience, you'll find that a lot of them are worthless. This is why a lot of people feel disillusioned when they first start dating (or throughout their lives, if they are stubborn enough). It's completely different from what they want or expect.
The solution to this problem is to let reality smack you in the face. Don't just sit there thinking about what you want in a man. Don't just theoretically say what kind of people are your "good men". You need to go out and experience different people to better understand the relationship.
So, before you try, don't assume you know what you want.
3. Recognize that no one else knows what you want either
If we don't know what we want ourselves, certainly no one else will know. Few of the people you meet will give you objective, impartial, and practical love advice. These people are almost as rare as unicorns.
Most people don't want to be biased when they give advice to others. They have good intentions, but usually, their advice comes from their own plans. In other words, what they tell you may actually have nothing to do with you or your situation
Maybe Akane has been hurt too many times by those indifferent men, so now she advises you not to date a guy again because he missed a few of your calls. ("He must be playing you.") )
Maybe Xiaolan has a long-term boyfriend who is too clingy and suffocating, so now she encourages you to ignore a guy who shows "too much" interest in you because he's "creepy".
Or maybe your mom is pressuring you to marry the doctor or lawyer or the garbage collector who has good family conditions but you don't like them at all.
Each of these people has a plan. Although they may be well-intentioned, what they really do is find a boyfriend for you that they like, not a boyfriend who really fits your needs.
Instead, use your social circle to find people who have already been "censored" socially. For example, if your friend is a person of good character, there is a good chance she will also be involved with such a man. Maybe you can find a good boyfriend among them.
4. Avoid getting tangled up in what you "deserve."
Like many women, maybe you have a long list in your mind of the traits of a boyfriend you can accept. But does that bring you one step closer to finding the True Destiny? Don't get me wrong, it's important to have standards. Just make sure those standards make sense.
There are many people in this world who laugh at others for stupid, superficial reasons. Many people reject potentially good people simply because they believe they are "worthy" better. Do you have this attitude hidden deep within you?
Truth be told: have you ever felt a little offended by an unattractive man approaching you? Why does he think you're going to date him, right? Does he really think he's in your circle? How can he insult you so low-key? Doesn't he see that you deserve better?
That is, not dating someone you don't think is attractive. However, conflating what you want in a relationship with what you "deserve" from life is just a right. Aside from the obvious things like having a man who respects you and is a decent guy, you shouldn't be "matched" on a certain type of boyfriend. If you have a strong attitude towards entitlement, you're either not going to attract anyone or you're going to have a bad relationship based on superficiality.
Do you find yourself saying (or thinking) things like:
"This queen deserves a king."
"I need someone who can handle this."
"I need a man who appreciates me because I'm a strong, beautiful, amazing, heartwarming, excellent, better woman than anyone else."
These claims are actually quite common. A lot of memes on social media are showing this mindset. Sometimes, a good man might tolerate these narcissistic pranks, if you don't live that way.
However, if you really think that way and live with a deep-seated sense of superiority, good luck. People who really have a strong sense of self-protection and will be a good boyfriend will run away from you.
5. Establish boundaries and enforce them strictly
That being said, you certainly should have your own standards. You need to have boundaries about the behavior of men you can accept. This is because a person's behavior is a reflection of his character.
So if you tell a guy that you don't like people coming to your house without calling first, and they want to come whenever they want, that's crossing the line. If you tell a guy you don't want to have premarital sex, but he still mercilessly forces you, then that's another out-of-bounds line.
Don't take this sort of thing lightly. If he tries to find your personal space and boundaries in the early days of the relationship, he will completely disrespect you later on. You want someone who can take your principles and personal boundaries seriously, even if he doesn't agree with them.
6. Open yourself up
Just as some people are taught from an early age to ignore the needs of others and live a self-centered life, some people are taught from an early age to ignore their own emotional needs and never show them.
What do you want? What do you really need? Do you have the courage to let others know?
Sometimes people are afraid to open up and express their true feelings. What's more, they are afraid to ask for what they need because their potential partner can just say "no." Sometimes people even judge us for our weaknesses, which makes us want to hide them even more.
Still, opening up is the way to build a good, affectionate relationship. A good boyfriend will be willing to accept you as you really are and you meet your needs. He will also be willing to be as vulnerable as you.
When you spread all your cards on the table, there's no game left. If you want a healthy relationship, take the initiative and be completely open to the person you're dating. That way you'll attract better men.
7. Pay attention to the needs of the other party
What makes a "good person"? Do you know? It's nothing. Nothing makes a person a "good man" or a "good boyfriend" because there is no such thing as a "good man" at all.
Whether a person is "good" or not is completely relative. After all, for most women, their definitions of "good boyfriend" and "unfit person" dovetail very well with their personal needs for men.
It's funny, right? It's as if the idea of whether a person is good or bad can always be completely biased. At best, you can only know what makes a man your personal ideal.
Okay, so people are biased. So what?
Well, the problem here is that if you want to take it for granted that "good" = "someone who can meet your individual needs", then you're missing a big part of this equation. Relationships are a two-way street, and it's not always about you and what you need. (Although your needs should certainly be met).
Don't forget that others have their own feelings, desires, and needs, and those needs aren't always centered on you. If you meet someone who seems to be perfectly willing to give you everything you want without asking for anything in return, then the person is most likely out of whack. They may have boundary issues, they may have a hard time saying "no," and maybe their whole sense of self comes from pleasing others.
Such unilateral acts are at the root of interdependence.
Pay attention to the needs of others (and your own) early so you can weed out these low-quality partners. On the other hand, if you make everything centered on you, then men who could otherwise be good partners will run in the other direction.
8. Be yourself
When we enter a romantic relationship, it's natural to want to bring out the best in us. We want to make ourselves look good in front of the people we're dating. But how far can we go after it becomes dishonest?
Well, it's a gray area, but basically, the line is at the point where you're fundamentally lying about who you are. It's not that you avoid picking your nose in front of him out of courtesy and thus acting as if you don't have snot at all.
Are you hiding your important views and worldview from your date because you think they might agree with you? Are you hiding important aspects of your upbringing that could affect your future relationships? When you're around someone you're interested in, do you act like a completely different person?
Naturally, only low-quality couples will tolerate this behavior for a long time. People who deserve dating want to see the real you. A good boyfriend doesn't want to be pleased, but wants a real connection (physical, emotional, and otherwise) with you.
All of this dishonesty is hindering the kind of true connection that all people crave. Yes, it can be hard, especially when you're afraid of rejection. However, the only way you want to find a good boyfriend who really loves you is to show the real you.
Like what you just read? I want to know what you think about it. So, leave a message in the comments section. In addition, remember to search for Fei on WeChat to talk about emotions, pay attention to Fei'er, Fei'er guarantees that Fei'er will become the lucky charm of your beautiful love life.