Today is the 3111th day of intensive reading to accompany you throughout your lifelong growth
Recently, the derivative variety show "Welcome to the Mushroom House" of "Longing for Life" is being broadcast.
It is said that because the program team has limited funds, it "uses local materials" and uses the filming location and staff of "Longing for Life 5".
Although the program does not even have an official blog, and the publicity is too small to be pitiful, it still caused heated discussion on the whole network after it was broadcast.
The main reason is probably because the first guests, the 07th Happy Male Voice, are exactly Chen Chusheng, Su Xing, Wang Quexin, Wang Zhengliang, Zhang Yuan and Lu Hu.
07 Fast male relationship is a recognized fact, and these few on the show are the 6 with the most iron relationship. The innings between acquaintances are undoubtedly the most fun, the most authentic, and the most natural.
Only when they are familiar with each other can they complain to each other unscrupulously and "eat and lazy" with peace of mind.
There is a small episode in the show, 6 boys prepare dinner, and everyone tacitly opens the division of labor.
Someone cooks:
Someone helps cook:
There are also people in the yard who "have nothing to do" to repair the chicken pen:
At first, it was Lu Rover who noticed that there were several chickens running out of the chicken pen, because there was a big hole in the bottom of the chicken pen, so he proposed to repair the chicken pen with Zhang Yuan.
In the process of repairing, Zhang Yuan seemed reluctant, thinking that if he repaired it, he would also repair it in vain, because as long as the chicken flew easily, he could fly out of the chicken pen.
But Lu Rover insisted that it made sense to repair the chicken pen, so he picked up the tools and began to work in a serious manner, while Zhang Yuan stood by and watched silently.
At this time, there were a lot of bullet screens above the screen complaining that Zhang Yuan was "too lazy".
It was not until later that Lu Rover and Zhang Yuan exchanged positions that Zhang Yuan's image was barely salvaged.
Later, Zhang Yuan mentioned this matter at the dinner table.
He said that when everyone was busy preparing dinner, he wondered if he should do something. But after thinking about it, I found that I could actually do nothing.
"Suddenly I thought, great, I can do nothing!"
Su woke up and took over the stubble, saying that with Zhang Yuan's personality, if he was recording a program with a group of other people, he would always take care of other people's feelings, and even often became very tense because he cared too much about the feelings of others, and only with old friends could he relax so much.
This conversation made me have an epiphany: Man, as long as you figure out the three words, life is much simpler.
These three words are: a sense of boundaries.
With people you know well, the boundaries may be blurred, but when you get along with people you don't know well, you must always maintain a clear sense of boundaries.
Most people in life do the same. Therefore, there will be many people who give good tempers to outsiders and bad tempers to the people closest to them.
But in fact, no matter how close people are, they must also retain certain boundaries.
There is a famous saying in the field of psychology: every high-level relationship has a golden distance.
That is to say, no matter how good the relationship, if you lose the boundaries between each other, you will eventually cause mutual harm.
01
Marriages without a sense of boundaries are dangerous
Recently, the sister article of the divorce variety show "Goodbye Lover", "Spring Day Delays Departure", is also popular.
The program team invited seven divorced single men and women, and the reasons for their divorce were various: third parties, gambling, illness, emotional indifference... Among them, the most "outrageous" is rock.
The reason rock divorced was simply because he didn't like his ex-wife to celebrate his birthday.
Although he had made it clear to his ex-wife that he didn't like to celebrate his birthday with great fanfare and only wanted the two to celebrate in a low-key manner, his ex-wife would quietly prepare a birthday party to surprise him.
This reason for divorce sounds very nonsensical. After all, who would divorce someone for such a trivial matter as "birthday"?
But many viewers have a deep resonance with rock, and the "me too" barrage has been brushed.
This small matter, which seems to be a difference between the two couples in concepts that are difficult to reconcile in terms of ritual sense, is actually an offense to one person's "sense of boundaries" to another person.
What is a sense of boundaries?
The sense of boundaries is the degree of judgment or importance of boundaries.
When a person lacks a sense of boundaries, he may unconsciously impose his will on others, inviting others to cross the boundaries they should have, or forcibly stepping into the boundaries of others.
Rock's ex-wife's behavior, which belongs to the latter, forcibly crosses the border of the husband.
Ex-wife, as rock's closest person ever, faced with her husband's particular preferences, her approach is not respect, but – I'm going to change your mind.
It's an affront to the boundaries of others.
In fact, this offense was not intentional, after all, throwing a party for one's husband could not have been out of love.
But it is this kind of "good for your good" sugar coating that makes the offended person a little "ignorant of good villains".
"I've done so much for you, how can you not be happy?"
At this time, accepting everything arranged by his ex-wife, Rock was not happy; but to refuse, he could not bear it.
In the end, it can only fall into internal friction until the feelings are slowly consumed.
The most terrible thing in marriage is that what is given is not what is wanted, what is asked is not required, and thus resentment arises.
Intimate and intimate, maintain a certain sense of boundaries at any time, in order to reduce unnecessary tearing and internal friction between each other.
02
The contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law stems from the lack of boundaries
A few days ago, I saw a post about my mother-in-law.
Netizens said that when his son was sick, because of the drip, it was inevitable to leave a few needle holes on the back of his hand.
After the mother-in-law came, she saw the needle hole on the back of her son's hand and directly taught her grandson to scold: "Nasty doctor." ”
Netizens exploded as soon as they heard it, and immediately told their son very seriously: "You are sick to see a doctor, the doctor has cured you, you have to thank the doctor, how can you turn your face and scold people, this is not right." ”
Since then, netizens have never handed over their children to their mother-in-law alone.
There are many similar complaints, to sum up, basically the mother-in-law came, the original life order of the family was disrupted.
The reason for this is that the boundaries of the family are broken.
In the absence of the mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law is the master of the family, and the whole family runs in an orderly manner according to one rule and principle.
After the mother-in-law came, she slowly replaced the daughter-in-law's position as the master of the family, the original rules were completely changed, and the relationship also quietly changed.
For example, the mother-in-law in the TV series "Double Sided Tape" often walks into the room of the small two without greeting, tidys up the bedroom, and folds the clothes neatly on the bed.
In addition to taking care of housework, she will continue to instill her own view of money in the two couples, and once the daughter-in-law spends money "big", she will have to "educate".
The mother-in-law seems to take care of the family, but in fact, she is worried about the things she should not worry about, manages the things that she should not manage, and does not give the young couple their own living space, nor does she give them the respect they deserve.
In the long run, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law got along naturally and frequently.
I know that the previous respondent shared his feelings after living with his mother and mother-in-law for a period of time, and found the key to cracking the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
When the mother came, the family relationship was very harmonious, because the mother always positioned her identity as a "guest", and everything was answered by the Lord. Whether it is the way of raising children or the housework, they all follow the Answerer.
But as soon as the mother-in-law came, she immediately wanted to become the head of the family and wanted everyone to listen to her. Between words, they always treat the little two as children who don't understand farts, and they teach people and teach people at every turn, and contradictions often occur at once.
Through comparison, she came to a conclusion: if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law want to get along harmoniously, they must abide by the rule of who is in whose house.
03
Parents who lack a sense of boundaries, the deeper they love, the more hurt their children are
There is a post on Douban: "What suffocating love have you seen or experienced?" ”
A netizen's answer resonated with many people:
"From childhood to adulthood, I was surrounded by the 'meticulous' love of my parents.
As small as what to eat, what to use, what to wear, to what friends to make, what school to go to, and what major to choose. Pushed by his parents since he was a child, he grew up reluctantly and naturally.
Sometimes I want to resist and flee, but I don't dare to imagine the consequences of falling out with my parents, so I can only live numbly. ”
This is the true state of children and parents in many families.
These parents seem to be very "concerned" about their children, but in fact, they bring a lot of pressure to their children.
Because they don't know, behind their "care", there is "intrusion and control".
If we feel it from the child's point of view, we can perceive:
When parents are too concerned about their children's learning, the learning materials that are the icing on the cake are no longer simply "concerned", but become a source of anxiety;
When parents are accustomed to evaluating with their own preferences and values, the greeting that is worried about their children's friends is no longer a curious "inquiry", but becomes a forced interference;
When parents use the wrong way of communication, they take the initiative to understand their children's words, and they are no longer idle "nagging", but become the exertion of pressure.
Many Chinese parents are like this, in the name of "love", constantly invading their children's boundaries, depriving them of the opportunity to be independent and autonomous, and affecting the healthy development of their children's physical and mental health.
Finally, children who grow up in such an environment often cannot face their boundaries correctly, thus forming a flattering personality, or also becoming a person who lacks a sense of boundaries, affecting interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships.
The famous Japanese mystery writer Yasuhiko Nishizawa once said:
The so-called normal interpersonal relationship is to maintain a certain distance from others to establish. No matter how intimate the relationship, it is necessary to respect the other person's 'personality', which is a natural "rule".
The so-called "certain distance" is the psychological boundary between people and people, which restricts us from invading the territory of others at will, and at the same time protects ourselves from being disturbed.
80% of the contradictions between people are caused by the lack of "sense of boundaries".
Everyone needs to "treat others as others" and treat each other as an "other" who is completely independent of themselves.
Knowing what is your own and what is someone else's, not imposing your own will on others, and not forcing yourself into the boundaries of others, can you have beautiful, long-term and advanced feelings.