What should I do if my child is bored with school?
This has always been a headache for parents and even confusing the whole family. When children are tired of school, parents should pay attention to it and actively solve it as soon as possible.
When the child's boredom with school is very serious, it is even more urgent to carry out professional psychological counseling.
Experts of this issue: Listen to the director of the Psychological Counseling Center - Zheng Qijuan
PS: In this case, the written authorization and consent of the parties concerned has been obtained, and their personal information has been technically processed.
01
The first time I met XiaoWen was two years ago, when she was 14 years old, just in her third year of junior high school, and was brought by her mother for consultation due to school boredom.
During the eleventh holiday after the start of the new semester, I saw Xiao Wen, with a sad face, next to my mother, and seemed very silent. As soon as my mother saw me, I said anxiously that the child had just been in the third year of junior high school, which was supposed to sprint for a year, but the teacher reported that the child's state was not right, and found that the child had become unlearned, often sitting for several hours without completing the homework, the teacher forgot what he said, and was unwilling to communicate with his parents.
In the past week, he said that his body was very uncomfortable, headache, dizziness, stomach discomfort and chest tightness, refused to go to school, could be taken to the hospital for examination and there was no illness, and the doctor suggested that it be dealt with through psychological counseling.
When my mother communicated with me, Xiao Wen took out her mobile phone and brushed it down, and her mother immediately stopped her softly, as if she did not hear. My mother complained to me: "This child is really rude, and she doesn't listen to her." I watched the mother-daughter interaction and continued to inform them of the professional settings of psychological counseling.
After the introduction, I asked their advice which one to start talking first, and the mother couldn't wait to say that the daughter put away the phone and looked at me. I stressed the confidentiality setting to XiaoWen again, and told her that if she wanted to communicate with me first, it was okay, and my mother could go outside to rest first.
She nodded, and I respected her wishes, so I invited my mother out of the counseling room first.
02
After her mother went out, Xiao Wen began to tell her story sadly:
She is the only daughter in the family, and her parents are more demanding and hope to be admitted to a key university.
Mom is an anxious person, often nagging, urging herself to study hard, she is also the same for her husband, dad in order to escape mom's chatter, often hide outside and go home less. Even if you take the first place in the class, your parents will never affirm and encourage yourself, your father never cares about learning, and your mother always emphasizes the "sense of crisis" - you can't be proud, you can't advance or retreat, and you must always work harder than others to maintain excellence.
I feel like Sisyphus (a figure in ancient Greek mythology, see Notes), who has to work hard every day to push the big stone of learning to the top of the mountain, and if there is slackness, the stone will slide down the bottom of the mountain, and I have to start again.
I did well in elementary school, but I slowly felt that I couldn't keep up, especially in junior high school. The more I couldn't catch up, the more I was nagged, criticized, and urged by my mother, and now my father also joined my mother's camp.
Mother is very dissatisfied with Xiao Wen's results, in order to be able to greatly improve in the year of the third year of preparation for the junior high school, in the summer, the mother helped Xiao Wen report an elite intensive counseling class, every day from morning to night high-intensity study, preview, review, all day down the head is dizzy, the pressure is very large, sleep badly at night, no spirit during the day, the body appears insomnia, headache, emaciation phenomenon.
After the end of the summer vacation class, the new semester began, Xiao Wen found that he could not study normally, wanted to read books, wanted to listen to the lectures, but could not see, could not listen, felt that the brain could not move like a paste, often hid in the quilt at night and cried, unwilling to talk to classmates, there was no friend who could speak the truth.
She herself did not know how to become like this, she was originally a girl who loved to learn, and now, in the face of her mother's request, Xiao Wen felt very depressed and powerless, her heart was very broken, and her body became weak.
03
Xiao Wen's upbringing and her parents' education methods made her face great pressure on her studies, and the elite class during the holidays caused her last psychological defense line to completely collapse.
In the depths of Xiao Wen's subconscious, learning is equated with feelings such as pain, depression, helplessness, and depression, but whenever he touches on things and situations related to learning, such as reading, attending classes, and doing homework, he instinctively falls into the encirclement of these negative emotions. She was so wrapped up in these emotions that she had difficulty finding an outlet and developed early symptoms of depression.
Therefore, according to the current situation of Xiaowen, the consultation should be divided into three steps, and gradually break through:
Process and transform Xiao Wen's inner suppressed emotions and improve her depressed state.
Counseling for parent-child relationships, improving the family atmosphere, becoming a nourishing energy to help her get out of depression.
Help Xiaowen reshape the value of learning and turn passive learning into active learning.
04
After talk therapy, Xiao Wen and I initially established a relationship of trust.
Later, by creating a "free and protected" space in the counseling room, I encouraged her to express her inner thoughts - her repression came more from anger towards her parents, which she could not express with her parents in reality, and had been suppressed in her heart, but anger did not disappear due to suppression, it was like a flame, accumulating more and more, holding her almost collapsed, and at the same time, she would also blame herself for not being good enough, incompetent, and difficult to meet her mother's expectations.
I used the empty chair technique of Gestalt therapy to help her talk to her "parents" through image dialogue and shout out her inner feelings. At first, she didn't dare to say it out loud, but whispered", "I'm uncomfortable."
I encouraged her to continue, louder, and she slowly let go of herself, "I have been forced by you to have no way out, I am going to collapse", "You know to study and learn, you don't care about me at all", "I am sick, you never ask me how I feel, you know to learn and learn"....
After the release, I guided her to say how she wanted her parents to treat her, "I wish my mother could say less, I'm grown up and know what to do", "I want my dad to talk to my mom more so that my mom doesn't have to stare at me all the time"...
I asked her to imagine how her parents would respond when they heard her say these things. When she responds from the perspective of her parents, she can slowly understand her parents, and she can also feel the difficulty of her parents and their love for her.
Once, when she expressed her hope for her mother, "Mom" said, "I wish I could talk less and worry less, but I couldn't control it and couldn't help it." I'm so lonely, your dad doesn't want to talk to me, I don't have friends, you're my daughter, I don't tell you who I'm talking to," she said as she cried.
I guided her to sublimate this understanding into inner strength, and finally, she said to "Mom":
"Mom, I can understand your loneliness and loneliness, but your emotions are breathless. You are an independent individual, you have your life, you have to be responsible for your life, you can talk to your father well, get along well, you can also go to find friends, if there is no friend, then start to communicate now. In this way, I can be more relaxed, I can do my own good, I hope that my mother can trust me and respect me. ”
After each consultation, she felt much more relaxed, Sisyphus's stone was getting lighter and lighter, and she had a little more understanding of herself, her parents, and her relationship with her parents.
After this treatment, Xiao Wen's physical discomfort has gradually disappeared and he can return to school.
05
As a counselor, I will see the problems in the client's family system in the counseling room, and suggest that parents participate in the counseling and form a healing alliance, so that the child can not only feel the "island of safety" in the counseling room, obtain the growth of inner strength, leave the counseling room, return to the family can also get the "freedom and protection" space, from which to get the nourishing power. After consultation and guidance, many parents can adjust their education methods for their children, and moderately improve their own problems, improve the parent-child relationship and their quality of life.
Xiao Wen's mother originally hoped that the child would fall in love with learning and learn happily, but because of her poor relationship with her husband, the husband and wife lacked emotional communication, so after the birth of the child, she put almost all of her energy on the child, stared at the growth of the child, forced the child to be excellent, but let the child feel controlled, forced, depressed, and tired of learning.
After discussion, Xiaowen's mother realized that her education methods not only did not achieve results, but also let the children go to the brink of boredom and depression, she made up her mind to change herself, so I agreed with her not to belittle, criticize, and accuse the children during the consultation period, feel lonely and anxious, and timely shift their attention to work and housework, and strive to do their own work; after the mood is peaceful, communicate with her husband and daughter, learn to understand and encourage, talk less and listen more, and reverse the previous communication mode.
After several consultations, the mother has changed a lot, from the beginning of the child to say a sentence she said ten, to the child said five sentences she said five, and finally can quietly listen to the child to speak, so that Xiao Wen is very happy, the relationship between mother and daughter has become much warmer, she also began to dare to express to her mother.
Xiao Wen gave me feedback that once she saw her mother wanted to nag again, but remembered the teacher's explanation and had to hold back, at that time, her mother's appearance was very cute.
06
When XiaoWen's depression eased, we had a positive discussion about her learning problems.
Influenced by the "theory of the uselessness of learning", she also feels that learning is not of much use, and learning is more like a routine. We discussed her hobbies, her dreams for the future and what kind of person she wanted to be.
She said she didn't have much hope for the future because her parents had already helped her plan for herself – study hard, go to college, find a job, work well; I can't find my hobbies, I'm not interested in anything; I don't know what kind of person I am now, and I don't know what kind of person I will be in the future.
I believe this is a true feeling in her heart, but I also know that there is more motivational hope and strength hidden within her.
In detail discussed "Who am I?" After that, she has a clearer understanding of herself, and has a better understanding of her present self, past self, and future self (this link is not achieved overnight, it needs to be carried out several times, and it needs to be deepened and consolidated).
Finally, Xiao Wen revealed that he actually admired a writer like Haruki Murakami and dreamed of becoming a writer, but he felt unrealistic, and his writing level was not good enough.
Together, we explore her strengths and strengths, discuss how to get close to her idols, achieve such a writing foundation, literary foundation, and emotional experience, and refine the goals to what we can do at each stage.
After discussion, she began to give new meaning to learning—laying the foundation for becoming a good writer, honing her talents, and increasing her experience and experience.
On the question of whether to still attend the tutoring class, Xiao Wen expressed her reluctance. From the bottom of her heart, the mother hopes that the child can continue to go on the holidays, so there is a conflict. I summarized the child's situation with my mother, and my mother also saw that the respect and trust for the child can make the child more and more motivated to learn.
So, under the guidance, the mother and the child reached an agreement. The child's recovery to learn the knowledge in the classroom is the first priority, in this case, the child decides whether to participate in the tutoring class according to the progress of learning.
Over the years, it can be found from various adolescent psychological counseling cases that in fact, many times, children's hearts are very simple, if not affected and distorted by the outside world, their ability to learn and their interest in exploration are intact.
Adolescent children experience the transition stage of "becoming adults", and they want the respect and trust of their parents more, and to take back the right to free choice from their parents. Otherwise, the interest in learning is distorted.
In the case of a good interest in learning, children will think, overcome and solve challenges and difficulties on their own; if children are bored with learning and unwilling to go to school, parents will blame or persuade them bitterly, and the child is also "in Caoying, the heart is in Han", and it is difficult to calm down and study seriously.
Instead of this, parents should give their children the right to make decisions in moderation, let her think and choose for herself, and learn to take responsibility for her own decisions.
The mother later reported that her change had an unexpected gain - the child's father came home more and was willing to give more companionship to the family. Although she did not participate in the tutoring class, she took the initiative to buy some tutoring books to learn, and her grades are also steadily rising.
Now that Xiao Wen is a sophomore in a key high school, she has been assigned to the liberal arts class as she wished, one step closer to her dream.
▎ Notes
Sisyphus, a figure in ancient Greek mythology, was punished for offending the gods Zeus and Hades, the king of Pluto, and punished him for pushing a boulder to the top of the mountain, and when the boulder was about to be pushed to the top, the weight of the stone forced him to retreat, and the boulder rolled back to its original place, so he had to push it again from the bottom of the mountain.
The process is repetitive, tedious, and never ends. The gods believed that there was no harsher punishment than to carry out such ineffective and hopeless labor.
Zheng Qijuan - Chief Consultant