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Notre Dame de Paris: "It's the twilight sun, but we think of it as the dawn of dawn." ”
Sober people do not regard the twilight sun as the dawn of dawn, as long as the confused person will make such a mistake.
The "confused people" mentioned here are divided into two situations: one is that one's own cognition is limited and it is impossible to distinguish between right and wrong; the other is that on the basis of one's own limitation, one is deceived and deceived by others, so that they cannot distinguish between right and wrong.
For some people, right and wrong are not as good as "the sun at dusk and the dawn of dawn", they do not have a firm standard of judgment in their hearts, blindly thinking that "seeing is believing, hearing is false", but they do not know, seeing is not necessarily true, and hearing is not necessarily false.
Such people often become victims of feelings, thinking that they have met true love, cannot listen to the advice of others, and finally can only recognize their mistakes in misfortune.
The marriage problem of the woman below is related to the above problem, let's take a look at it together.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
After experiencing an unfortunate marriage, I found that many things need to be viewed from both positive and negative aspects, not one-sidedly looking at the problem, not only looking at the surface, not staying at the superficial understanding level, otherwise they will be self-pleading.
For example, the phrase "do not listen to the old man," and suffer losses in front of you, should neither blindly affirm nor blindly deny, but need to be comprehensively viewed.
I made the one-sided mistake of thinking that my parents' generation was old-fashioned and that they were not in the same world as the young people, so I blindly denied the advice they gave me, thinking that they did not understand what love was and had no right to prevent me from marrying true love.
I also made the one-sided mistake of treating "true love", staring only at how good men were to me on the surface, believing only in the promises that men made in front of me, and never thinking deeply about other possibilities.
What he actually needs is not a wife, but a free nanny for the in-laws of 5. But he never told me the truth, but only around this ulterior motive induced me to fall step by step into the trap he had set.
He said to me: "After getting married, I am responsible for making money to support the family, you are responsible for serving my mother, let me bear the hard work, and you can enjoy the blessings with peace of mind." ”
What a beautiful and affectionate sentence! I was so touched at the time that I once again firmly believed that I had met true love, and when I thought that I could enjoy the blessings after marriage, my smile involuntarily floated to the corners of my mouth.
Therefore, after marrying him against the will of my parents, I directly implemented the division of labor of "male outside, female inside", only to find that it was not so at all, not as beautiful as I imagined, and even, there was no beauty to speak of.
I did not enjoy the blessings, every day from morning to night, not only to take care of the food and clothing of the in-laws of the 5 people, but also to bear all the major affairs and small feelings of the in-laws, which is equivalent to saying that the work that the original family of 5 people needed to complete was all thrown to me alone.
Hope turned into disappointment, the resulting psychological gap turned into complaints, I told him that I did not want to continue this division of labor model, it is better to let me go to work, at least the work will not be so tired, and there is money to earn, and to work as a free nanny for the in-laws, do not get any returns, and often be complained about.
After listening to my words, he revealed his true face and said what was in his heart: "From the day you married into the in-laws' family, you were a member of the in-laws' family. As an outsider, if you want to gain a foothold in your in-laws' family, you must behave well, you must be dutiful like a nanny, otherwise why would I spend so much money to marry you? Let you come and eat and drink for free? ”
I was stupid, as if I had suddenly woken up from a nightmare, looking at his hideous face in a daze, not believing that he was my lover, not believing that the sweet words I had heard came from his mouth, as if the promises that were all whispers in the dream, and the vulgar words of the fierce gods I heard at the moment were the reality.
My ears remembered the advice my mother had given me: "Don't you see that he is drawing bread for you?" Don't you feel that he is a foolish man? He won't be your patron saint, it's just your nightmare, and if you don't listen to my advice, sooner or later you'll regret it! ”
I really regretted it, and my intestines were blue. I want a divorce, I don't want to stay in my in-laws' house for a day, I don't want to live with a foolish man for a day.
With the help of my mother's family, I escaped from the cave. Although I can't get rid of the psychological shadow brought to me by that marriage in a short period of time, it is good that I don't have to look at the face of my in-laws anymore, I don't have to serve the 5 members of my in-laws anymore, and I don't have to worry about it anymore, and I won't let my parents worry about me anymore.
Seeing my mother send a circle of friends saying "my daughter is finally divorced, so happy, she finally understands who really loves her", I silently nodded a thumbs up, both as an affirmation of my mother's words, but also to remind myself that in the future, I should polish my eyes, and let my parents help check when dealing with marriage, which is not a bad thing.
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
The kind of problem mentioned at the beginning is a very real problem, indeed as she said: when dealing with major events in life, we should not insist on going our own way, we should not look at the problem one-sidedly, and we should consider it comprehensively.
Marriage is a major life event for women, it must be treated carefully, it must be considered comprehensively, otherwise why should you easily get happiness?
There are a lot of people who can't figure out what "comprehensive consideration" means, and they never even think about it. Take the woman's "don't listen to the old man, suffer losses in front of you", many people simply do not know how to deal with this view.
Some people do not listen to their parents' advice at all, and some people obey their parents. I ask you, which of these two attitudes is right or wrong?
Bad answer!
Some people who do not listen to their parents' advice get happy marriages because of this, and some of them fall behind; the same is true of those who obey their parents' words, some marriages are smooth, and some marriages are bumpy.
You will find that there are many variables, and the key to variables is: in the end, the concepts you and your parents hold, which is right or wrong?
This question needs to be considered in a key way and needs to be viewed in the light of the actual situation: if you are sure that your point of view is correct, you can not listen to the advice of your parents; conversely, if your parents' advice is correct, you must listen to your parents' advice; if both sides have reasonable points of view, you should consider it comprehensively and discuss a new point of view.
Combined with the woman's marriage, from the results, it is clear that her own view of marriage and love is full of errors, and her parents look at the problem deeply and presciently. When she should have listened to the old man, she insisted on going her own way, of course, it was a tragic fate.
For others, my advice is: don't wait until you're about to get married to rush to discuss who to listen to, maintain emotional communication between parents and children in their daily lives, and don't avoid talking about emotional issues. Talking clearly in advance can avoid disputes and contradictions at the end of the day, so that you can fundamentally avoid unhappy marriages.